A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm 14 and I really need help.I'm going through a really bad time in my life right now and I don't know what to do. Life sucks pretty much. All the stress from school and pressure i put on myself to do well in school is really getting to me. It's very overwhelming because I'm already dealing with a gillion other internal/personal issues in my life. And I have to do it alone. I don't have such a great relationship with my parents so we barely talk and I don't have any true friends that I can trust. I pretty much hate high school and everything about it. And the fact that I'm not able to understand my classes and get straight A's like I used to is really crushing me and stressing me out. Idk what to do, I just feel lost in life in general. I have no idea what I want do for the rest of life, I have absolutely no interest in anything...sometimes I feel as though I'm just a waste of space. What should I do? Anything I can do to try and turn my life around without talking to a counselor or therapist? cause I really don't want to have to do that. thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): I think this is the age where many teenagers feel this way. Were trapped between childhood and adulthood. I feel the exact same way in my life. Its a time when everyhthing doesnt make sense and we feel like there is nobody to talk to. Im sure you will overcome this stage soon. You have your entire life ahead of you. And remember that you can learn something from everybody.
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reader, jodieleigh  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 live up to your expectations and not other peoples. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys. I want to think you so much for taking time out of your life to help me and I'm greatful...all of you had great advise and it really made me feel a little better. And some of you mentioned almost exactly the scenario I'm going through.
I am male, a sophomore and will be 16 in Nov.
The think about school is that I have a lot AP and honors classes so I'm Bumbarded by homework, studying and things i have to memorize every night. And AP biology is not my favorite. And also My social life is not that great, I pretty much don't have one. Ever since the 7th grade i mildly started to seep into a depression state and now it's just worse. So I've become really quiet, antisocial and faded into the wind. Basically a shadow.
Me and my parents don't get along because the don't understand me and they thing everything they do is right. I'm not a kid anymore and I believe I deserve some freedom. But they're very overprotective and annoying so I basicly gave up fighting with them one day..and now I barely talk to them.
And I do have a lot of internal issues, and i constantly have to fight myself. Self doubt, My looks, caring what people think about me, doing things to please other people, My sexuality, the fact that I'm pretty much alone in all this and ton more things that i'm not gonna get into.
And I say I have no interest because i kinda really don't...and it's probly my fault for feeling that way. When I fell into my depression I pretty much Gave up on everything.. I lost interest in everything I stopped watching tv..I barely watch tv now. So i basicly gave up on life. But all I'd do was go online and talk to people.because that's where i felt comfortable and could possibly find people who understand me. But im just worrying about what im gonna do for the rest of my life because I want my life to be better in the future, not worse. And I dont want a job thats gonna require ages of college and get a lot of money doing that job but i end up hating everyday of it. That would be a nightmare.
But over I'm very glad this site exists and you took your time to help me. Thank you very much. I tried messaging tome of you but it wouldn't let me.
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reader, SillyB +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Okay kido,
First you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. At your age you do NOT need to know what you will be doing the rest of your life. That's what your teenage years are all about - figuring out some basic things about yourself, but even then these things evolve into your 20s and I assume even later...I'm only 27 and still figuring out myself(as are the other 20 something year olds I know). We're like big kids, still learning about ourselves and figuring things out ...that will never end. I work with a 60 year old doctor that has decided he wants to pick up french and go to law school. Haha, see, even he's learned something new about himself in his older age. I had a patient with a broken hip who at 71 decided she was going to pick up snowboarding...cool! Figuring ourselves out just never ends.
My little brother is 4 years older than you and I've watched him go from confusion in his early teens to becoming quite happy and confident. Honestly, the ages of 13-16 suck the very most. Its all the hormones, school dynamics with other kids and a changing relationship with the parents that can all add up. I remember always crying and being upset over everything when I was 13/14/15. And then by grade 12 it all just cleared up...poof the hormones mellowed out and things just seemed a bit better. Of course, the relationship with my parents I'm still figuring out...and so will you.
First, take a breather. You are being way toooooo hard on yourself. You didn't mention what your internal issues are so I can't really comment. HOWEVER, first and foremost try to open up to your parents. In life they should be your greatest support. I'm not sure what they're like (abusive or just really annoying parents), but they probably don't know what is going on with you. Some insight might help them help you.
Second, about the grades. If your parents have money, have them get you a tutor for after school. If not, have your teachers tutor you. Ask them for extra help. Its really important not to be left behind in school. YOur building a foundation in math/sciences/english right now, so you have to keep on top of these things. Tutoring works wonders, but you'll have to invest your extra time in it. Schools your #1 priority as getting into a good school and having an accomplished career is very important. A great career just opens up doors to everything - travel, money to buy things, personal happiness. It all starts at your age, so really invest the time in improving in school. Tutoring is the way to go.
Second, there is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist. An objective third party can help you clear up your thoughts. I'd highly recommend it, its better than having all these feelings bottled up.
Third, don't worry about friends for now. Focus on improving yourself and becoming happier. Pick up an extra curricular activity - something you like (playing guitar, running, mechanics, computers) through which you can meet people with similar interests. Good quality friends are hard to find. Some people will fall into that 'acquaintances' category, others into the 'fun friends' category, others into the study buddy category and a very special few people once in a while into the 'true friend' group. So dont' freak out on how 'good' your friends are really. Look at their actions, if they seem to fall into the 'lunch buddy' category than just see them at lunch and draw your boundaries. Not everyone is going to be your best friend.
Everything will be ok - it'll just take a little hard work on your part in school/tutoring and some communication with your parents/teachers. Big hug for you!
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 September 2010):
I think your attitude might be the cause behind why you feel this way.
Almost every teenager goes through a phase where he or she feels stuck, awkward and unhappy. How you deal with that has makes the difference in staying that way or getting out of it. You say you have tons of issues and a gazillion problems. Why not be specific for yourself? Write them down. All of it, everything that is bothering you in your life right now. That way you'll get an overview, which means: control.
After you made the list, leave it and don't look at it for a day. The next day when you're calmly sitting somewhere, grab the list and read it over. Categorize the problems in big, medium or minor issues. Be rational. Are all of these problems really worth losing sleep over and getting worked up about?
Then tag each one at which you think you can do something about. For example:
- the relationship between your parents. Why is it bad? List reasons and don't just put the blame on them, but also look at yourself. Parents often feel lost raising teens and that can cause a rift if you turn your back on them. Try to work things out. Talk to them.
- your lack of friends. Are you withdrawn and quiet? Are you lacking in social skills? (i.e. usually letting someone else take the initiative). Try and speak up more. Ask people about themselves. Keep up with them (hey how's your dog doing? You said last week that it was sick?). Initiate stuff.
- Your lack of interests. There must be something you like! Do you enjoy watching dance on TV? Or are you secretly a fan of some sport? Sign up for classes! It's a great way to meet people who don't have a prejudice against you from school!
- Your grades. Why do you find it hard to understand classes? Is the teacher moving along too fast? Don't you get your homework done in time? List the reasons, then make a plan of action. Try to involve your parents (i.e. "mom and dad, I made a homework plan I need to stick to. Will you help me out?") They will appreciate the opportunity to be a part of your life. Don't be afraid to raise your hand and admit you don't understand. Or before class starts ask the teacher if he can give more extensive explanations for you.
You're only a waste of space if you let yourself be. The most accomplished people you'll meet in life were not always confident and happy. They also had bumps and holes in the road. Their will to make something of their lives made the difference. Will is everything. The will to act. And judging from your post, you are willing. Don't let yourself be the downfall of you.
After you got all that done, you will feel better already because you're not sitting helpless thinking about your problems but DOING something about them.
As for the rest, you might want to try downplaying their importance. My dad once told me: "it is only a problem if you make it one". Though this may sound dead obvious you may be surprised how many obstacles on your road may be thrown onto it by yourself.
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reader, FLIPPER66 +, writes (5 September 2010):
 rule # 1 don't do things to please others do it to please you.
rule #2 sometimes stress may seem to be the pits in ones life . however its how we deal with it that makes the difference in our lives. if we take one day at a time and just deal with the problems that come that day we 've accomplished alot. problems arise as a test of our abilities
our courage and fortitude. even if we fail them one day we still have a chance to pass it another day.
rule #3 solve the problem with relationship with the parents
many times we're our own worst enemy and try to blame them for all our problems. i know of no maladjusted children that have good relationship with their parents. as a christian the bible says honor your parents its the only law of God that has a blessing attached to it.
rule #4 friends are a true treasure when you find one ,problem is we sometimes cut ourselves off to those that may be trying to reach out to be a friend. if someone shows more than a passing interest in us we get paranoid and think their up to no good wack we cut them off and push therm away. this sounds like your problem. learning to trust someone even when trust seems like it s hard is a hard thing to do. but its something each of us has to do if we expect to have any friends at all. biblicall saying thats true to have friends 1st show yourself friendly.
example here is i don't know you your 14 i'm 63 but yet i'm sharing with you some secrets that will help you in the long run.
rule #5 yes you have something deep down in you that you think you might like to do but your so down on yourself that you think theres no way that thats going to happen.
you've admitted subjects came to you easily at one time . no one gave you a dumb up pill or a studid pill i'm sure.
your just as smart now as then but you've cloacked yourself in problems so you've lead yourself to believe that you just can't get it.
i've had people respond back to me saying or asking "do you know me or something" no but in a way i've been were your at when i was your age.
also many of the others that posted here have some good points you should look at also. main thing is take control
don't let others or situations control you . i'm not saying to become a jerk or a mean person just realize that God doesn't make junk and he has a definite purpose for your life.
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reader, jodieleigh +, writes (5 September 2010):
this is normal i think for a teenager. but think of it this way. High school is only a small part of your life. you cant be good at everything. no one is perfect. and throughout school you will find your place. you will find something you passionate about. and major in college in that and you will find friends with the same interests. and screw friends from school. you will never hear or see them after school if you realy dont want to. but you should talk to someone. a stranger is better to let it out to.. but be careful. :)
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reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Hiya. Everyone has a purpose in life even if they are unsure what theirs is yet. :) Maybe you could take up a new hobby or a sport to give you something to be passionate about and take your mind off things? you might discover a hidden talent too :)
Good Luck ^_^
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): I feel the exact same way. Dont worry about what you are going to do for the rest of your life, you still have time for that later. Talk to people. About things you like, like bands, sports, girls you think are hot, anything. Just think positively. Its normal to be stressed especially at this age. Dont worry, good luck.
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reader, fallenangel95 +, writes (5 September 2010):
I can relate to you, really I can. I'm 15 and I am dealing with a lot of stuff too, and i don't want to go to a therapist either. I don't have a good relationship with my parents either, all they do is yell at me..first of all you just need to take a step back and breathe, people in your life can and WILL wait! Next think about what yuo can do about your situations in life and how you can improve them. After that you need to find someone special, someone that makes you smile and will make you life, enjoy life again. And someone who will never judge you. Don't be shy! Try new things like sports,art etc..it will be alright even though for the both of us it doesn't seem like it...hang in there.
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reader, Universe Man +, writes (5 September 2010):
When I was in high school, I hated everything about it, and I always thought that life would truly begin when I graduated. And it did! College was far from perfect, but it was a damn sight better than high school.
You could consider dropping out, getting a GED, and going to community college. It's possible you'll feel even more socially isolated, but at least you'll be in charge of your own life. Look for a book called "The Teenage Liberation Handbook."
Don't worry about grades. You know what the difference is between great grades and okay grades in high school, once you're an adult? Diddly squat. They say no one on their death bed has ever said, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." By the same token, no adult I've ever known has ever said, "I wish I'd spent more time studying." Yes, people who make great grades go to different ("better") colleges than people who make okay grades. But that means more studying--which they are good at, and they presumably enjoy somewhat. People who make okay grades, on the other hand, go to colleges that don't require so much studying, and that works better for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): It sounds as if you're in the same place that many of us were at your age, be thankful that you have the internet, lots of folks gutted it out without any ability to reach out to others.It sounds like most of your life is OK, good grades are important as that is one of the keys to advancing from where you are to someplace better. I my experience the key is to find an activity that you find interesting. From me it was the technical side of the theater. I had ZERO interest in drama, but liked to build things and learn about sound and lighting tech. I totally change the group I was trying to fit into (basically, the heads- we could smoke in school back then, I hung out in the official "smoking area"). Today, I know that this isolated me from a lot of people that I would have liked to have known. So, at around 16, I found the theater crowd, they were fun, had great parties and were very open to making new freinds. FYI: This was nigh school, at 14 I assume that you're in middle school). This provided me a place to hang out after school and often till mid-night when we were doing rehearsals. This was GREAT, as I didn't want to interact with my family, and they were all asleep when I go home.I did this for 2.5 years and made GREAT freinds. After HS, I went to college (didn't pursue this in college) and the freinds I made in HS are more involved in my life today (30 years later) than all but about 2 of my college freinds. Best move I ever made, and it wasn't exactly a 100% conscious one. I never expected it to work out as well as it did.At 14 your naturally going to be at odds with your parents, they were with theirs, their reaction to you is more about their own worries and anxieties, in about 6 years you all will be past this. Also, feeling lost is normal. At 14 how are you supposed to get direction? From whom? You're still exploring life. IMO, this is also about finding something that your excited about and then getting involved. Find someone to teach you, and then start teach others (you learn MORE from teach than you do listening...).As for stress, this is likely 99% self-imposed. I took HS and college WAY to seriously, and missed out on some of the fun. Keep your grades up, but a B, or even a C is not the end of the world. Some teachers just can't teach, and an A in that case is hard. If life starts getting too heavy, talking to someone who can help is usually the BEST solution. Find an Aunt or an Uncle if possible- these family members are usually distant enough to be able to provide you with good advice w/o dragging your parents into the mix. Avoid relying on outside stuff (alcohol, drugs, food...) from being a method that you use to change how you feel. These have a very serious side effect at your age, and that is people who start young, don't mature properly and don't learn to deal with stress. It's very hard later in life to learn this and a decision to use at 14 or 15 can have lifelong effects- wait till you're older to try that stuff, your life will be better for it.Good luck! You can get past this and excel, just remember you are FAR from the only person that's been where you are, hopefully that will encourage you to continue to reach out, as there are lots of us who will help!
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Yeah, I remember high school. What I wish I had done now is keep a detailed diary of every conversation,every thought,every emotion. Because when you get older you'll rember high school was the best time of your life! Like Simon and Garfunkle'ws lyrics say;"Preserve your memories,they're all that's left you. Get a grip you are eligible to have the best ten years of your short life on this planet. Dojn't let one breath go to waste. Word!
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reader, kinkydude +, writes (5 September 2010):
hey man! I went through the same stuff. Life is not easy. But, as I was going through these problems, my survival sense started up, and I knew I had to make some big changes.
ultimately, if you want to save yourself, the desire has to stem from you.
unfortunately, being in the situation, its hard to see how to save yourself. But be very careful because negative thinking can be a downward spiral, and its
also very self indulgent and egotistical, when you start to think profoundly about it.
What to do:
1- for one thing you should sleep and eat healthier.
I bet you don't sleep or eat well do you? This can SO drastically effect how you feel. sometimes its hard to determine between depression and
fatigue, just being tired. And nutrition too. If your just eating instant soup all the time, your not going to be feeling that great. (just making some assumptions here)
2- change the way you think. I bet your very critical of yourself. Don't be.
learn to love yourself- if you continue to think negative, nothing will
EVER get better.
3- stop watching tv and playing video games. The reason you may not know what to do with your life is because you haven't given yourself a chance to explore- constantly keeping yourself amused by negative thoughts or outside influence.
4-Make some positive drastic change in your life.
5- maybe change schools.
6- make friends
and lastly, you may be clinically depressed, in which case, perhaps you need medication. I would look in to that.
7- you've got it tough because you don't seem to have any support mechanism, but I sense in your message, a desire to survive. What you're learning now, is what most of us learn much later. that the only one for you is you. "you are your own light" as krishnamurti once said.
So don't let yourself get out of hand- let the survival mode kick in
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reader, 21w +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Honey, I am 31 and sometimes even I feel that I am lost and don't know where to go on. But you have to get through that. Maybe you think that you can't, but most of the time we don't know our own strength.
I would start by calming down about the school. You doing your best right? Maybe you need to talk to some teacher you like and ask for help? Or maybe there is some friends who can help you out? Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is not sign of weakness but in fact, it's a sign of strength.
Another thing I would think about is your relationship with your parents. I would talk to them, ask for help too. Explain what do you feel about the whole situation. They love you and I am sure they will understand and will try to help.
And last thing...just remember-all that will pass. Try to enjoy every minute of your life! Because it is beautiful no matter what. It all depends how you look at it.
Wish you all the best baby!
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 September 2010):
Hi there,
Been down that road myself, until I was about 17 years old and realized why I was doing all that. I wanted my family to be proud of me in with school. I did not want to end up in bad situations that I heard my family talking about all the time, like “do you want to spend your life picking up garbage, or living on the streets”, and so on.
But then when it all said and done, you have to do the work and live your life for you, and the best way you know how. Your family and friends can only point you in the right direction, but it’s you that have to live your life. Be around people that make you happy, not ones that make you sad or depressed. Never take on someone else’s misery as your own. Set rules for yourself and try to stick to them.
I will give you this one piece of advise…Try your best to enjoy your school time, because when you are in the working world, the stress does not get any easier. Stop trying so hard to be an adult, and just be you. Take a deep breath, let all that crap go, ask yourself what would be fun to do right now…And go do it.
Don’t wait for this world to make you happy, go make the world happy. It’s already a better place with you in it.
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