A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I being taken for granted?I ma naturally good natured and calm.Recently my boyfriend seems to be taking this for granted. He says he'll do something or be somewhere then cancels. He's more than often late to arrangements. Everything seems to revolve around his arrangements.Is he taking me for granted? And what do I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): Your boyfriend is very lucky to have such a sweet and accommodating girlfriend! Those are excellent qualities and there will be many people reading your post wishing their own partners were as good natured as you are.
However, it does sound like your boyfriend may be taking your natural sweetness for granted. This may not intentional - sometimes, when people get busy, they take the path of least resistance. That means that if you aren't likely to make a fuss if he's late, but someone else is likely to cause a scene if he leaves, he'll go with the latter person. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you - but it does mean he's being a little bit inconsiderate of your feelings.
I think you need to sit him down and very calmly explain that when he behaves like this it really hurts your feelings. Show him how you are hurting, so he understands that there are consequences to his actions: though you might not blow up in his face and yell straight away, you are still getting hurt. Tell him that the constant lateness and cancelling is making you ask questions about his respect for you and the value he places on your time together. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, but you do need to be clear about how this is affecting you. Do remember that he's not a mind reader - if you always seem lovely and sunny, he may not realize that there is anything wrong, and may even believe that you actually like him being this laid back.
It's also important that you get time and space to do the things that you want to do at times. It's good to be accommodating, and to care about how other people feel, but your wishes and desires are just as important too! Don't forget that! You may need to learn to be just a little bit more assertive about what you want in life. One of the worst things that can happen to a relationship is a festering resentment that develops when one party never gets to do what they want but is always running around after the other. Perhaps you can suggest an arrangement where one session a week, the pair of you do whatever you want to do.
I'm afraid that some people (of both sexes), especially when fairly young, can be really very selfish in an utterly unconscious way - they simply don't understand that their own prejudices and tastes in music, movies, shopping etc. might not be shared by their partners, and so will moan about going to see a movie not of their choice, or a shop not of their selection. It's important that they are brought, very gently, to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them, and that there is something rewarding and wonderful about doing something that delights those they love. You can help this process along by showing your appreciation when he does take time to do things for you.
Finally, there should always, always be a good excuse for cancelling. Time apart is healthy, but a guy who loves you should want to be with you first and foremost, and if he's constantly pulling away from your time together to be with other friends, you should think carefully about whether this represents the type of commitment that you really deserve. Of course, if he has other very stressful commitments (e.g. a relation in hospital he has to visit), that's a different situation and it's worth being more patient.
Please remember that you deserve love and respect! Good luck.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 sounds like you already have him pegged Now, the question is; what to do about it? I'd like to throw out a thought...tell him you're sick of his ways and break up. there's a guy out there that will worship the ground you walk on. Go find him!
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A
female
reader, dijoyful  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 I have a man like this, i've come to the conclusion thats just how he is, unorginised. My man also has a lot of responsabilities too which means he often doesn't know what his doing let alone what were doing. It can be very difficult to deal with as you can find yourself hanging on to see what his plans are only to get let down at the last moment. Then it's to late to make other arrangements and your left disappointed! Its up to you to decide if your prepared to put up with this behaviour. If he has just started to be like this then i fear he may be taking your good nature for granted. As i see it if you want to stay with him you need to get on and make arrangments with other people and not be readyly available, i know this can be hard but he will respect you for the fact you have your own life and will most likely realise what his missing and come back to spend more time with you. Remember not to start getting clingy or this will push him away for good.
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