A
female
age
26-29,
*MARTERthaniappear
writes:I recently dumped my beloved boyfriend and eventually friend, because he has a bad habit of lying. He doesn't just lie when he needs to in pressure, but he just randomly lies about the most craziest things. Things that aren't important whats soo ever. He usually does this to impress me or make me jealous and I got sick of it so eventually I confronted him. He actually blamed his bad habits on his brother. Lame excuse! He admitted to his lies and swore up and down that he would change. It happened a second time after that so I told him we have to just be friends because I coudn't trust him any longer. While we were friends he continued to lie so I just really didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I trusted him more than anyone and I feel betrayed. I shared everything with him. I really do miss him. We dated for 4 years, were friends for a while after, and now we're not even talking. Hes lost my trust but he hasn't lost my heart. Did I overract? Is this just a teenage phase he'll eventually get over? Should we remain friends or should I move on?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 its your choice but i would advise that if you find yourself doubting him and not being able to trust and believe him then you should cut him off. there are a lot of guys in the world and you are very young to just settle for one who seems to have a bit of a problem with telling the truth. i really hope this has given him a wake up call about his behaviour though
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A
female
reader, SMARTERthaniappear +, writes (21 June 2011):
SMARTERthaniappear is verified as being by the original poster of the question He's been contacting me again saying that he's soo sorry and it won't happen again. I really don't believe that so I've decided that we'll just remain friends. If he lies to me one ALL OF YOUR HELP!!! I really appreciate it. I wouldn't be able to make this decision without all of you guys =) If anyone thinks that I'm wrong for giving him another chance, PLEASE do SHARE YOUR OPINION!!! A gut feeling of mine does tell me that maybe I should just end this relationship before I'm emotionally hurt again =(
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 June 2011):
whether he stops lying or not, you have to ask yourself will you ever be able to trust him again?? and if the answer is no, then that tells you that you are better without the relationship. the lies might be silly and quite harmless but the fact that he tells you stupid stuff and expects you to believe it is a sign that he does not respect your level of intelligence, and that is bad
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (20 June 2011):
 You got some great responses here. I just wanted to add that I agree that lying about even small things is a BIG problem in a relationship because, as has been said many times, trust is the foundation of any relationship, friends or romantic.
My observation of someone I was in a relationship with is that often the person who lies constantly also lies to him- or herself. They have a distorted view of reality, where it seems like they believe that if they say it, it will become true. This person, if confronted with the truth, would still deny it, no matter how obvious. It was almost as if she felt she could will it to be true just by saying it. It made me doubt myself, and I needed to ask friends constantly for affirmation of what was true and what wasn't.
It spoke to me of immaturity and arrogance.
As others have said, it is not going to get better unless the person reaches a crisis situation. And you never know how many years, if ever, that's going to happen. So, I would go with your intuition, and break if off now before he drives you crazy.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (20 June 2011):
 Usually I do my best to be moderate in my suggestions to others when making a decision as important as whether to end a relationship. There are too many parts that make up the whole to make some statement like, "Get rid of his ass! Leave him now!"
That being said, I can make this suggestion with confidence:
Move on.
I am from a big family, seven kids. And one of my brothers is a pathological liar. And similar to your experience, most of his lies were about everyday things that mostly didn't matter. Of course he would lie about the big things too.
For so long I thought if I could just catch him in some extremely obvious lies I would maybe have the opportunity to show him that he has a problem, and needed to work on it. But no matter how obvious the lie was, he would never admit to it.
So, I took the time to do some reading about pathological or compulsive liars. I strongly recommend that you do the same. I learned some very useful things. And so much of what I read described my brother's behavior perfectly.
Here are a few things that I learned.
Pathological liars will not respond to evidence of their lie. No matter how strong that evidence is. In their mind, it is literally like it didn't happen. And when confronted they will believe in their version of what happened. Say you had a jar with two cookies in it, and you had a hidden camera, and you taped that person taking the cookie and eating it. If you asked them whether they took the cookie, they would deny it. Their first reaction is to be confused, because in their own mind they have already created their own version of events.
Most of the time they are telling a lie without even thinking about it, or without preparation. It is just their natural reaction.
Pathological liars almost always have self-worth or self-esteem issues, depression, or some other deeper problem. They often go hand in hand. Through lies they are able to better control how others perceive them. Therefore everything they do can be repainted in the best and most flattering light. Others will think more highly of them.
Because they are often not making a conscious effort to lie, and it is more of a reaction, they will almost never respond to someone confronting them about a lie. They will not "see" it as we do. In fact, they become very defensive and upset by the mere suggestion that they have not been honest, because in their own head every event happened just as they say it did. Just as they see it on their own mind's eye.
One of the most difficult issues at the heart of a pathological liar is that the tendency to create a lie is very deep within their make-up as a person. That is why their lies are commonplace in the little things. It is not that they make a conscious decision to lie about a particular event that has major consequences. Telling a lie seems natural to them.
For this reason, it is impossible to change a pathological liar. They can change, but you can't change them. From what I have read (and experienced), it is only possible for them to begin to change after they have admitted to themselves that they have a problem. That they really have a problem with a name. And this realization usually only results from a traumatic experience that resulted from their lies. That is, they usually don't just wake up one day and realize they are a pathological liar.
So if you are wondering what you can do to make him realize he is a pathological liar the answer is nothing.
With that being said, it is SO HARD to be close to such a person. Family is family, you can't just break up with them. But you can choose to no longer be with a significant other.
I took the time to read a lot of messages (like comments after the end of an article) left by people struggling with a pathological liar in their life. They said things like, "If their is any option to just move on from a pathological liar, to get them out of your life, DO IT."
Because pathological liars are ultimately dishonest with themselves first, it is very difficult for them to be honest about anything to someone else. Drinking the last bit of milk, whether they stopped for gas on the way home from work, if they remembered to let the cats out.
After reading up on the symptoms of a pathological liar, I began to observe my brother and I noticed that I could very easily tell when he was lying. He would go into great detail, too much detail. It became very noticeable to me. So, other times I could tell more easily if he was lying when I didn't necessarily have proof.
The other indicator is becoming overly defensive, and just outright refusing to discuss the lie. It didn't happen, and that's it.
For example: I was having a few beers one night at a local bar I frequent. While smoking a cigarette outside I struck up a conversation with a guy I had never met before. He was from New York, and was in town for his brother's funeral. He was around my age (31). We had a very long conversation, over an hour, about life in general. Ambitions and goals. He told me some stories about his brother. At the end of the conversation, as the bar was closing, he took his very nice tie off, folded it, and gave it to me. And he asked me to remember him and our conversation whenever I saw the tie.
When I got home I put the tie in the back of a drawer, underneath the clothes, in my dresser. At the time my brother was living with me.
A few weeks later I ran into my brother at a bar, and he was wearing the tie. At first I didn't know what to say. It bothered me that he had gone into my room (I always keep the door shut), gone into my drawer, and taken this tie without even asking. I also had an issue with my brother taking money, but that is another subject for another day.
I knew he would get defensive, and I knew he wouldn't admit it. But this time I thought I really had him in an obvious lie. He had no idea about the story behind the tie.
I confronted him about it. I asked him why he went into my room, then into my drawer, then took something without asking for it or telling me. He looked surprised, and as if I were overreacting, "I found this tie in a pile of clothes in the living room, you must have left it out." I explained to him that there was no way it was just left out, as I have never and will never wear the tie. In fact, I explained, I know exactly where the tie had come from. It was in the top drawer of my dresser, folded up, and under the clothes. He looked at me, saying nothing at first, with a half-smile on his face. He again denied taking it, and said he can't remember exactly where he found it, but he absolutely didn't go into my drawer and get it.
Then I explained exactly why I knew where it was, and why it was not possible that I left it out. His response, "Stephen, it's not that big a deal, it's just a tie. It doesn't matter."
He never apologized, or explained, or anything. Later that night he made a big deal about making sure I got my "precious tie" back.
I'm going to bring this book to a close, and just reiterate that a pathological liar has behavior that is deeply ingrained in who they are. And almost always it is just part of a deeper problem within that person. So, asking them to admit that they are a pathological liar is also asking them to confront other even deeper issues. There is nothing simple or easy about it. And until they are willing to admit it to themselves, they will not change and they will not make progress. They may admit to some lies to get out of a jam, but they are not really admitting to themselves that they have a problem.
It is not a phase.
And I can promise that you will be better off sticking with your decision to move on, especially at your age. But maybe it would do some good to encourage him to consider that he may have a problem. If you do, try to be as calm and non-confrontational as possible. Don't do it in the heat of an argument.
I hope I have not gone off topic too much, and you are able to find something useful in what I have said.:-)
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 June 2011):
 Basically, men do not "change" their fundamental ways (and I do not believe that women do either). In my opinion, a history of lying and falsehoods add up to being a "basic nature," and people very rarely alter their basic nature, whatever that may include.
They may "tweak" it a little, if absolutely necessary for some reason, as a previous responder indicated, but the "basic nature" will always remain or return in some form or another. The old saying is, "A leopard cannot change it's spots."
People may incorporate certain changes in their lives, such as quitting smoking or drinking and such, but once something like that becomes part of one's lifestyle, the urge and tendency will never really go away.
One example: I have a living brother who has lied about things, trivial and important, since childhood. He still does and will never change. Whenever "caught" in a lie, his story always changes with twists and turns, but never a full admission. He simply cannot change his basic nature.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 June 2011):
 he will not get over his lying ways unless there are consequences for his lying. It's so difficult when love is still there, but trust is flying out the window.Some people erroneously think lying is 'smart', but lying is not smart.Lying is stupid, unethical and you are correct - it is impossible to be with a person you cannot trust. Because Trust is the basis of any good relationship.It also goes to display character.A person with good character and genuine integrity does not lie. With the exception of tiny small lies to save from hurting someone's feelings. Such as when your Aunt knits you a truly horrible sweater, but you say thank you, as you never want to wear it, but you don't mention that to her.As you love this guy, tell him that his actions will decide the outcome. No more verbal promises. Obviously they mean nothing.Changing the habits of a lifetime - this is not an easy task. It takes character, time, and determination to carry it through and it takes character. You have to be able to trust your guy, completely.Tell your guy you will give him one more last chance. If he dares to lie again during a defined period of one week he has to correct the lie immediately and apologise to you. On the first three days he can make a mistake once each day and no more. On the last four days no more than one lie over the whole four day period. Any more lies than this and you are out the door. If he passes the first week test, then In the second week two lies only over a whole week. If he passes this test, then in the third week one lie only over the whole week. In week four no lies at all over the whole week.If he is not prepared to try, valiantly, to NOT lie, then he is a loser. You deserve better. A man who habitually lies is untrustworthy. It is weak behavior. A man of integrity does not lie just for the sake of lieing. It is his choice.
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female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 It's sounds like you are fed up with his lies. Honestly you are the only one who can make that decision. Is he worth it? Will you be able to handle it if he keeps on lying? Four years is alot. Are you able to just stay friends and be there for him even if he lies? Are you able to try to help him through it?
It is a heartache either way and only you know if you are able to continue to have him in your life. Pick the one that is better for you.
Good Luck!
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