A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This question is especially for young single women. If a young single man who has everything going for him financially and career wise decides to settle down and approaches you but doesn't want to date you but asks you to marry him. Would you say Yes? I mean why would you say No to a man who wants to go directly to your father, ask him for your hand, build a home with you, have children with you and has the necessary material and financial means to realize this? Why I'm asking this question is because I think this whole courtship thing is a farce. Seriously ladies, if a man makes it clear from the start he wants to have a family with you and you know that he has the money and resources to do it, then what's the point of trying him out as a boyfriend first? If a man wants to marry you, honestly does it make any difference, wether you marry him straight away or date him first? Obviously the reason why you're involved with him in the first place is because you hope to one day spend the rest of your life with him. If he cuts to the chase and offers you marriage, why say No? Very much interested to get your responses ladies.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): Dear Cupid,
I'm a woman who would very much like to get married and have children and I've been pretty patient trying to find the right one.
Recently, I've met a man who also wants the same things as me. I was initially excited about this, but every time we speak he seems to take no personal or intimate interest in me. Our conversations are awkward and he only talks about his money and how manly he is.
I get bored often. He's has no sense of humor and he can't tell a story to save his life. Recently, he proposed to me. I'm not sure what to do. I hardly know him and to tell you the truth, I don't even like him very much. I'm not convince he really even knows much about me.
All that said, his money is so attractive...
Do I get married, use his money, and distract myself when he's not around? Or should I pass him up hoping for a man who makes me happy and and who feels more like a companion than a professor lecturing me about my role?"
Women are more complicated than you think OP.
Good luck out there.
A
female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (18 August 2012):
OP, you're welcome, as I am always up for sharing an opinion when asked for it and am able to provide one. Of course it is what I think and want, since that was what your original post was about, wasn't it? " Does it make a difference to date first if he's able to sustain you financially and willing to marry you from the start?" Hence my answer, which clarified why I think dating is important etc.Onto the other question you asked me in your follow up. You say it yourself, "evaluate yourself and me and come back with the answer". Therein lies your answer- I, like all the ladies here, have no mean nor way whatsoever to 'evaluate' you {which is, by the way, a rather cold term to use under the circumstances}, because I do not know you, just like you do not know me. For all you know, I could be a 60 year old man, or a drug addict 30 year old woman or a lesbian or a transexual. Say I do say yes, that I want to become your wife and mother you children. How can you be sure we're a suitable match? Sure, you could rule out the age/gender doubts by meeting me just once in real life, even just on our wedding day, but what about our personalities? How about our interests, are they even compatible at all? Would I be good handling money and the finances of our household or would I just waste it all away on clothes/jewellery/alcohol? Would we be mutually attracted to each other physically? Am I a loyal and faithful long term partner, one who doesn't cheat nor stray? All those things you'd find out only after we'd get married- when it's too late to do anything about them, except getting a divorce. This has nothing to do with my confidence in myself as a potentially good wife and mother- it has to do with the fact that, as a confident woman, I'm not going to pick my life partner blindly as though I was choosing my next outfit {which, by the way, are all carefully picked too.}. You're going to save yourself a lot of heartache if you try and find out about all the traits and habits and flaws before marrying a person rather than afterwards- I'm really only talking with your best interest at heart here.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 August 2012):
those are the only terms there are. To be honest I know that you would know if you had issues that required accommodations in school. If you are not sure, ask your parents.
OP let's start with this:
how far did you get in school?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 August 2012):
 Google these yourself: Austism, Aspergers or ADHD...and study hard, why make SVC do all the work?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Tisha 1 would you PLEASE be paitent. You asked me to answer 'so very confused' first. I just want her to clarify what those technical terms MEAN in everyday language. When she has done so, I'll answer to the best of my ability & then get back to you so just RELAX.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2012):
 I see he is unable to answer the questions without an over-reaction, drama, and he now has added name-calling of himself. Is this typical of Aspergers? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Oh Chigirl. Why are you trying to tear me apart like a piece of paper? You reject my ideas you reject me. How would you feel if a guy seperates your body from your emotions? Just wants to get laid with you tonight & leave in the morning? A guy who's only Interested in your body & not your heart. This is by far the cruelest thing you've said to me. I wonder wether if you'll ever get married. I don't want to talk with you anymore.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): I don't know what DSM, Autism or Asperngers or whatever it is you're refering to 'so very confused'. I'm not a professional mind analyst. Please give me their non-technical names. Names like looney, nutjob, wacko, fruitcake, insane, mad, crazy, deranged, the names which everyday people like me can clearly understand what you mean.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 August 2012):
I agree with Tish's idea, I think he is UNABLE to answer these questions rather than unwilling.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 August 2012):
 Oh, and YOU are not being rejected. It is this idea of yours that is being rejected. This idea of yours is not YOU. We are rejecting the idea of marrying a stranger. We are not rejecting you. How can we, we don't know you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2012):
Take So Very Confused's question first, then run through the list I provided from previous answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2012):
Here are all the questions that were asked of you that you ignored:
Would you buy a house without knowing anything at all about it? You know what it looks like from the front and where it is, but you don't know anything else. Not the inside, not how many rooms, not even the price. Would you buy it?
Why would you want to legally bind yourself to someone for life if you don't know much of anything about them?
what kind exactly of " financial stability " can a young lad 22-25 offer nowadays, I´d be curious to know
Do you have Austim or Aspergers or ADHD?
Tell us a little about yourself, big guy. Have you dated a lot and are just tired of it or have you never dated and are afraid of it?
Are you capable of sustaining a conversation or is there a social anxiety issue going on here?
What does your family think of your plan?
Do you have some learning disability we need to know about in order to help?
You have some very specific expectations of gender roles. You need to do some basic filtering of potential wife candidates to ensure your proposal would be directed to women with similar expectations. Is there some reason you aren't able to do that? As SVC has asked, are you on the autism spectrum?
OP, how many women have you proposed to besides Trisha?
I do know one girl who shares your mentality and pretty much told her bf she could see him marrying her after their first date- do you want to know what she's like? An insecure, clingy 30 year old who behaves as though she's 15, who constantly feels the need to mark her territory, sees everything as a threat to her relationship and is pretty heavily made fun of from not only her bf's friends, but the bf himself too {shameful of him, of course.}. Would you really want someone like that?
Do you have some learning disability we need to know about in order to help?
Are you capable of sustaining a conversation or is there a social anxiety issue going on here?
What does your family think of your plan?
Those are the questions you've been avoiding answering. We'd be interested in your responses.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2012):
I have asked tons of questions and NONE have been answered. Do you have a DSM diagnosis? This means you have been evaluated for emotional and mental issues such as Asperger’s Syndrome, depression, bi-polar disorder or Autism. Had dinner with my 28 yr old PDD-NOS kid last night… he’s very black and white also… no shades of gray.. He KNOWS what is a proper response and what society expects but he can’t figure out how to get there… you strike me as high functioning Autistic… or very very Aspie….
So in black and white: Are you on the autistic spectrum???
You say “I don’t want a girlfriend I want a wife” well how in the world do you think that most folks get a wife? They DATE…there are two types of dating.. there is casual let’s have fun dating and then there is the serious “I want to get married” dating.
Even in very religious communities where there is still arranged marriage I know that the couples meet and date to make sure they are compatible… perhaps not long term… but three four or even 6 dates over a couple of months… then if their ideas match, they plan a wedding. BUT I can tell you that in my ex-sisters in laws both have marriages like this… IN one the husband stays but he’s miserable and one of their 5 kids has committed suicide because the gene pool is so lousy. The other stays in an abusive marriage because she feels she has no choice…. Neither knew their husbands much before they agreed to marry, and here you sit expecting a woman who does not know you at all to marry you just because you ask.
It saddens me that you are so rigid in your thinking. What I find amazing is the way you justify a person saying NO to your proposal. Their refusal to marry you is not about their wanting to get to know you but rather you have deemed any and all women who turn you down as not being confident and secure when in actuality it’s the opposite.
THE only women that will take you up on your offer are very confident in your offer and they don’t care about their ability to be a wife and mother, they are not thinking about the long term issues.
When you receive a NO from a woman, you can’t even accept that perhaps the offer you make is not a reasonable offer.
Even mail order Brides could say no if the man was that outrageous.
Bottom line, OP, do you or do you not have a DSM diagnosis?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Okay, Tisha you've made your conclusions about the man & his offer as I have made my conclusions about the women who rejected the offer. Please ask the questions you claim I didn't answer & I'll try my best to satisfy you. Welcome back Chigirl. So you DO want to be a wife & mother after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 August 2012):
" Evaluate yourself & me"
There is nothing to evaluate!!!! We don't know anything about you!!!
You asked if women would marry a man they don't know, you did NOT ask if we want to marry you! You asked a question, and you got answers. Maybe you should try to read them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2012):
Though the lack of interest in learning about a person's personality and looking only to find a warm body to fill a role defined by him suggests a narcissist. But then there's that not learning from past mistakes thing, and an unwillingness to learn from others. Hm. I don't think it's social anxiety, but perhaps that's what lies as the base of this and the rest of the posturing and fixed thinking and pronouncements are a way to avoid the anxiety brought about by courtship. Perhaps he has tried asking women out and has been rejected, which is very painful and upsetting. That's why he repeats asking a ridiculous question of each of the women who post here. The low self-esteem would force a construct by which he doesn't feel rejected and blames the woman for her inadequacy, namely, not consenting to be his wife sight unseen. We all know the only logical answer to a stranger's proposal like that is "no." So why can't he?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Okay Tisha 1, go ahead & ask your questions. I'm being rejected anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2012):
I don't think he's able to answer the questions we ask. Repetition, rigid thought patterns, fixation, irrational beliefs. Aspergers?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Diamond Shards, thankyou, but that is what you want & that is what you think. If you don't want to marry a man who is willing & able to be a husband to you, it's simple.Say NO. So let him proceed to OTHER women who want a husband MORE than a boyfriend & are more than willing to let him take the lead in their lives. I'll say it again, I DON'T WANT A GIRLFRIEND. I WANT A WIFE. I WANT TO BE A HUSBAND & FATHER. CAN YOU BE A WIFE TO ME? Evaluate yourself & me & come back with the answer. I hope that's straight forward enough for you to understand where I stand. I'll only recieve either a yes or no. But whatever you choose, that's your own decision. As for me personally if you said no I can only make three conclusions: 1- You have no confidence in the offer, 2- You have no confidence that you can fulfill the roll of a wife & mother yourself,& 3- A combination of the two. That is my conclusion when I recieve a NO from you. And you make your own conclusions about me based on the offer I made to you. SO CHOOSE ME OR DON'T. Lord have mercy! The circle just keeps turning & turning.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 August 2012):
Why do you think we're saying no? Has any of the information hit home or are you ignoring it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2012):
I'm doing my best to help you find your wife. You don't appear to be listening, or paying attention. My name is Tisha, not Trisha.
I'm with So Very Confused, that you likely are on the Autism spectrum and have trouble reading or decoding what the rest of us take for granted. The way you wrote your question sounded like a proposal to me.
Perhaps your approach needs refinement and you need to find a pool of potential matrimonial candidates who will be willing to entertain marrying a man they have never even had a conversation with. That's my point.
Do you have some learning disability we need to know about in order to help? You seem to have very strong beliefs and a code of conduct that has little room for flexibility or compromise. You don't seem to be able to answer our questions about that at all. You hold rigidly to a stated goal, yet when offered advice that may help you attain that stated goal, you throw it back in our faces. Or at least that's what the way you respond seems to be doing.
Are you capable of sustaining a conversation or is there a social anxiety issue going on here? What does your family think of your plan?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Trisha 1, when I said 'you' I was refering to a single woman not you. Please be happy that you're all married women & have men in your lives, & let me find my wife. You've all made it clear countless times, that you all will say NO to ANY MAN that does not want to date you first. Fair & square. Fairwell Ladies..........Anonymous male.
...............................
A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (16 August 2012):
I am a young single woman, thus the demographic I suppose interests you.
I see courtship in a very different way than you do- it is a sometimes annoying, sure, but otherwise fascinating moment of the 'finding a mate' process. Not only you get to know the other, see how truthful at least part of what they say is, how their words translate into actions, observe how they can handle uncertainty {neither of the two can ever be really sure of the result}, but you get to work for each other. You see, I'm a fighter and somebody who rarely gives up and I seek the same quality in somebody who's going to become my partner. He has to be able and has to want to put work and effort in getting a relationship with me {a reasonable amount, of course}, just as much I am willing to do- if a guy thinks even that is too much, it is an instant turn off for me. So, you see, I view the stage of courtship in a completely different way than you do. It's not even about 'being chased' -I've been known for being a very go-getter sort of girl, actually-, but about testing the waters to see how deep their interest in me is.
This may sound pretty jaded to you, but we do live in a world where people lie, deceive and mistreat others. Some don't even do it intentionally- but we still have to look out for ourselves and see who is the real deal and who is not, men or women.
I disagree, lastly, on your view of gender roles as a whole- first off, I would not want a guy who thinks he has to go to my father and ask for my hand, as that is a decision my parents have no say in. I'm a firm believer in the fact that women should find satisfaction in a career outside the home as well {many women may disagree with me on this, of course}- personally, I know I would never feel satisfied just taking care of the house or cooking. I want to reach and expand my potential in other areas of my life and such a clear cut division of what is a man to do and what is a woman to do would not do it for me as a whole.
Is there something wrong in wanting to belong to somebody, like you expressed? No, nothing at all, but you have to remember that a healthy relationship is not one made up of two 'halves' making a whole, but of two wholes meeting and deciding to share their lives with each other.
Actually, I did meet a guy who was somewhat similar to you and somewhat suggested I move abroad with him {and hinted at marriage} after meeting me once. I was flattered, but turned him down for the reasons I told you. I'm sure he meant well, like you probably do too, but this approach is likely to scare away more women than attract them. That is, if you want a strong, smart woman who's able to look after herself as well as you. I do know one girl who shares your mentality and pretty much told her bf she could see him marrying her after their first date- do you want to know what she's like? An insecure, clingy 30 year old who behaves as though she's 15, who constantly feels the need to mark her territory, sees everything as a threat to her relationship and is pretty heavily made fun of from not only her bf's friends, but the bf himself too {shameful of him, of course.}. Would you really want someone like that? My guess is no.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
I said "yes" to my husband 37 friggin' years ago. Flawed logic indeed and last word.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2012):
I said 'yes' to my man who asked to marry me. And So Very Confused said 'yes' more than once, so your premise that no woman will marry a man who asks her seems to me to be incorrect. You're basing your approach to achieving matrimony on flawed logic.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
Heck fire, I'm can't even type.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
Heck fire, I'm can't even get the last word.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 August 2012):
“No woman will say yes to a man who wants a wife”…. INCORRECT.
I’ve said yes. FOUR TIMES… well three if you count the fact that this time HE wanted ME to propose… but OP, why do you think he wanted to get married? WHY do you think a man who did not believe in marriage wanted to get married?
Tisha, I’m so jealous you got a proposal and I got a goodbye…
OP, how many women have you proposed to besides Trisha?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2012):
Let's see, I'd have to divorce my lovely husband of 18 years, whom I've been with for 21 years, and known for 23 years total, for a stranger who has rigid ideas about gender roles and no interest in courtship. A stranger who wants to get straight into the hard work of marriage and having a family with no preliminaries whatsoever. Hm. Let me think about that for one minute, it sounds like such an interesting idea.
Poster, I think you missed one of my posts here.... So now I can add "lack of attention to detail" to the list of your known characteristics.
No, still not seeing this as a good move on my part.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
Well Trisha, whatdaya say? He just wants to make it real for you. Ask him for some upfront money, you know for travel expenses, maybe a trousseau, etc... just make sure it's a cashier's check......
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Well Trisha 1, no woman will say yes to a man who wants a wife. So there's really nothing I can do. I've made up my mind that I don't want a girlfriend. So for me it's really wether you want to be my wife or not. And again, the choice is yours. I'm just waiting to make it real for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
Tish, I know where to find you....
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2012):
"If a young single man who has everything going for him financially and career wise decides to settle down and approaches you but doesn't want to date you but asks you to marry him. Would you say Yes? "
Getting back to your original question, if a young man had asked me this question back when I was single, I would have said 'no' very rapidly. A guy who shows up, knows nothing about me or my family and expects me to say 'yes' to life's biggest decision? Um, that would indicate a guy who has some control issues.
Just trying to explain that to the girl's family and friends, "Yeah, I met a guy and we are getting married!" "What do you know about him?" "He says he has a good job." "That's it, that's all you know?" "Oh and he has some ideas about gender roles in marriage." "That's the sum total of your knowledge of this individual?" "Yes." "You're crazy."
That's how that conversation would play. You'd have to approach something like 250,000 women in hopes of finding the one who would accept such a proposal.
By the way, DearCupid is not a dating or matchmaking site.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
...sigh
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2012):
I've been married for 18 years. We dated for 3 years and were friends for 2 years before that.
You really do need to pick your pool of candidates better.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
Ahem, last word.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Thankyou, Trisha 1. I will say it again. Marriage is being offered to you. Take it or leave it. I'm done with women who'll throw this offer back at my face. I don't need & want a girlfriend. I'm looking for a woman who wants a man to belong to, a woman who wants marriage & family. If you're single Trisha 1, then good luck with your single life. And if you have a boyfriend, I hope he finally decides to marry you. I'm done here. Bye & thankyou once again to all you women out there for answering.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2012):
You want to go straight to having babies and being the "man of the house." That requires a level of trust. You haven't spent the time to build the trust. There's no way to know if you are sincere or you are lazy or what is going on wit you.
There are very few healthy women out there who would be willing to bet the rest of their lives on a promise from a guy who has no history or evidence of his qualifications to be a husband. You may as well hand over the keys of the house and car to the guy you just met in the subway. Just because a person has a vagina and another person has a penis, and there's a bank account and a job in at least one of their lives, doesn't make them a good match for one another.
You have some very specific expectations of gender roles. You need to do some basic filtering of potential wife candidates to ensure your proposal would be directed to women with similar expectations.
Is there some reason you aren't able to do that? As SVC has asked, are you on the autism spectrum? There seems to be a great deal you are leaving out. Having a penis, a job and some ideals doesn't automatically make you every woman's dream husband. There are a few more things that matter as well.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Again, 'so very confused' I GET IT LOUD & CLEAR. No woman is ever going to accept me proposing to them without dating them first. No woman will be willing to give me a chance to be a husband to them even though that is my honest intention & I have the necessary means to be that man. In the end, it is ESSENTIALLY an offer. The CHOICE is yours. Since most women who've posted will reject this offer then I accept all their positions. I'm not trying to control any woman in this space, just trying to understand why a woman would pass up the offer to be the wife of a man who is WILLING to be her husband without having to date first. Thankyou VERY much. I've got more than I asked for.. I wouldn't feel disappointed if I constantly get rejected. Because eventually, I'll find a woman who doesn't B******t (pardon the language) & will expect me to the a man & take the lead in her life. Goodbye so very confused.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 August 2012):
OP, do you even READ what we write? I was a mother before YOU WERE BORN honey. MY BABY is older than you… I was NEVER unsure of what I wanted. I am NOT getting married AGAIN to have children. I am way past that phase of my life… my fiancé will not give me children. Nor do I want children with him.
I understand totally what you are saying and what you desire. I just don’t think you are going about it the right way and AGAIN I can’t help but wonder if you have been diagnosed with any disorders on the autistic spectrum including ASPERGERS syndrome… It’s very hard for Aspies to make social contact and perhaps that’s why you are viewing the world as you are.
and don't try to have the last word.... it's not going to work.
NOTE how you can't control the WOMEN on the internet how the heck do you suppose you will be able to control a woman in real life???
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 August 2012):
Ok, NOW I have the last word.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): Please people can we bring this forum to an end? I get it already. No women will desire to be my wife if I propose to them. Not even you 'So very Confused'. I know I am a man & as a man I know what I want. And that is to raise a family. To be the builder, provider & protector of my house. And I am looking for a woman who shares this vision with me. A women who wants to have a man to belong to & wants to bear his children & support him in the process. I can explain, & explain this come judgement day & you will STILL not understand. Be happy that finally after all these years of being unsure of what you wanted from a man, you've finally realized that you wanted to be a wife & mother all along. Now you have a man who can give you that. Once again, CONGRADULATIONS on your engagement. Best wishes to you. I know you'll make a very good wife & mother because you are a highly intelligent women. Goodbye So very Confused.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): Fine Chigirl. You made your point. I propose, you decline. No harm no foul. Goodbye.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 August 2012):
First of all I never said you were wacko. By you saying that I said you were wacko that tells me that you think you are wacko and are looking for other wackos to validate your opinion.
I also don’t think your views of man/woman relationships are that far off from mine. Thankfully my much younger fiancé is also very traditional in that I do the cleaning and laundry and he takes care of the trash… we have very traditional roles in our home… our money is combined, there are no secrets and we have dinner together every night… usually I cook and clean up even though I’m the one working….
For what it’s worth, I chased my fiancé. I went after him. He’s the one who never wanted to marry and fell in love with me… even though I am so much older than he is….
You think that having the faith from the start that you are who you say you are is enough. It’s not.
200 years ago, marriage was something folks who were unhappy endured. You stayed together as a business deal. My current engagement is very much a business deal…. And yet we’ve been together going on two years and we know that while it’s far from perfect, it will work for us.
You want to cut out what you see as the hard part…. It’s not the hard part. The hard part is staying together no matter what… folks give up on marriage now. I do. My last husband did…
I know you are for real. I find it interesting that you have REFUSED to answer any of my questions…. That tells me a lot about you…. And that your views are colored by your perceptions of how the world SHOULD be and not how it actually IS.
I am betting that NOT one woman you have proposed to has said yes. NOR will any normal healthy sane woman. So you continue to go off and propose to any women you deem functional in the wife department, taking your chances that she is what you hope and dream she is… and continue to be shot down by the sane rational ones… The one that says yes is probably mentally unstable, with baggage you won’t know about till you get to know her… The beginning of all relationships are fun… it’s “the honeymoon” period.
I hope for your sake if you do manage to find a woman that is foolish enough to take your offer, that she’s not too unbalanced. Be advised that mental illness is genetic so that your warped views which are probably caused by some neurobiochemical imbalance, when mixed with the genetics of a woman who is foolish enough to agree to your plan will probably lead to children that are very difficult to raise and probably will require long term, life care due to mental illness.
As the parent of an emotionally disabled adult child (with views much like yours) I feel bad for you, any future wife and most of all the innocent children you may bring into this world.
IF I had known about genetics and the mental illness in my ex husband’s side of the family coupled with my ADHD, I never would have had children… it’s not fair to them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 August 2012):
Wasn't it Rev. Sun Myung Moon who matched up people and then performed a mass wedding back in the 80's? Maybe the Unification Church (as the group Rev. Moon founded is called) would be a good source for women who are willing to be matched up in such a way.
Mail-order brides may be another source though I think they want more wooing than just 'will you marry me?'
Essentially, you seem to have a patriarchal approach to life and thus should look within cultural groups in which that is acceptable.
The thing about your approach is that is also sounds like the love scammers' tactics and I expect most people will lump you into that category, if not the outright weirdly idealistic and fantasist category.
Asking random strangers if they would marry you isn't likely to lead to any success in your endeavor. You do need to do some work in filtering out a pool of candidates who may be inclined to entertain marrying a guy who has only ever spoken a few words to them. It sounds like you haven't put in that basic work.
As you realize, the vast majority of the world's population does it a different way. As you are the one out of step with the majority, you need to adjust to the reality of the situation and do some basic research. Wishful thinking won't find you a mate.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 August 2012):
You didn't ask me to be your wife, you asked a hypothetical question. I will let you have "the last word" for all I care. But I think you need to get realistic here, because you're living in fantasy land and it's going to hit you hard.
Say you meet a woman who says she wants to marry you. She wants to have your babies and be a housewife. She's okay with you saying you have money, without you having offered any proof of this money, or having offered any proof of you being who you say you are. She's game, she says yes. You marry. Then turns out she's an alcoholic who drinks away all your money. She takes the birth control pill behind your back so she doesn't get pregnant, and lives for free at your house, doing no housework at all.
Would you think that's okay? Because as much as you believe yourself to be a good husband.. there is no guarantee that she will be a good wife, just because she says so when you first meet.
Or maybe less extreme. What if I told you I want to marry and have babies etc. I actually do want to be married, have a family, have a husband who can support me. I'm not declining a proposition because I am not ready. I am declining because I want the absolute best for my future children. I want a man who wont slap them. I want a man who is capable of giving them love and support. I want a man who wont cheat, who will stand by my side until the end. But there is absolutely no guarantee that you will be able to give me that. For all I know, you are an unemployed man behind a computer lying about his age and money. Saying yes to that is plain dumb. For all I know you approve of hitting children, for all I know you want to raise children into a religious cult... For all I know you get mean when you are angry and will slap me around.
How do I prevent this from happening? I get to know you first. That's how I ensure safety for myself, and for my future children.
If the world was a fantasy place where everyone were nice, all the time, and never lied, but were always sincere and honest... If the world was such a place where if you did good things, good things would happen to you... If the world was such a place that if you were a good husband your wife would be good to you.. Then yes. I could have accepted a random proposal. But the world is no such place.
I would like to warn you a thrid time, and say that a woman who agrees to marry you without knowing you, most likely is hiding something about herself. Perhaps she has a lover on the side, perhaps she is in need of money to pay her debts, perhaps she has children with other men that she hides from you. Perhaps she's already married to someone else. You wont know, because you don't know her.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 August 2012):
I want to have the last word.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): Chigirl. I'm for REAL. I'm ready to be a husband & ask you to be my wife. You were not prepared to be a wife so you said no. Thus, I conclude that you are not wife material yet but need time to be matured enough to recognize honor in a man's words. I have accepted your decision & so must move on. This forum has officially closed. Please! let me have the last word. Love you & Take Care. Anonymous male.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 August 2012):
Oh man.. you're not for real. Good luck to you, that's all I can say.
I would suggest you learn more about social conduct before you attempt getting married. When you don't even know who to sucessfully approach a woman, how do you expect to get married? Ask her dad and have him force her? Might as well ask how many camels he wants for her...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): I wasn't offended and I wasn't having a dig at Islamic marriages OP, I have Muslim friends that are lovely one got married a few years back and it was arranged and he loves and adores her.
My point was Muslim women have a different role in their societies and are far more likely to be okay with what you propose.
I think you're expecting something from women you're not going to get, so maybe you'd be better off finding a woman from a culture where that kind of thing is more acceptable. Russian women too are very into the idea of marriage.
The point we're all trying to make is you want to buy a car without test driving it first or buying a meal you have never tasted. You may not be happy with the results.
The reason we date is to test compatibility because we no longer live in societies where marriage is a concrete forever thing whether you're happy or not.
I did a lot of historical research for a project I was doing on courtship in Ireland early last century and you'd be surprized how many of those women were bitter and felt they had their lives taken away from them. Only a few of them felt lucky to have found the right guy and even among those a lot of them wished they had more freedom because it was actually illegal for married or pregnant women to have jobs back then.
OP by having the views you do I can seriously tell you that you discount about 95% of western women.
You may want to adapt your thinking if you want to find a good wife and partner. I do know plenty of women that dream of becoming a housewife, raising kids and making a beautiful home but even they want to vet guys and make sure they find the right one before they take that step.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): To all of you wonderful people out there, this has been a very great forum AND a wonderful educational experience. I will leave with these parting words to all those who contributed. Eyes wide open: Yes. I'm not a stranger to dating. But I'm just not cut out for such a life style. I want a wife. A women of my own to give love AND affection to AND recieve honor AND respect from. So very confused: Having a different AND perhaps radical point of view of man/woman relationship to yours doesn't mean that I'm a wacko. You prefer men to chase you AND woo you before you say 'Yes I will marry you.' I prefer it if women had the faith from the start that I am husband material more than a boyfriend. BTW CONGRADULATIONS on your upcoming marriage.To Chigirl: Yes, I'm still single potential husband AND father in waiting because no woman is game enough to take me up on my offer.. BTW you are wrong. I do seek happiness but in this short life, I've learnt that true happiness is given, not recieved. Sooner or later you will reach the stage in your life that your own happiness will mean squat,compared to the needs of others you love. If you're not prepared to make sacrifices, I just don't know how you'll cope when the day comes. But I do appreciate the insights you've given. Love you. To Cerebus: Your view of manhood is totally different to mine. The points I made has no bearing on you as a man. If you felt it did I apologize. These are just my thoughts. You are definitely the kind of man that wants to chase around women. If that makes you feel like a man then good for you. I just think its silly chasing women you want to marry. BTW don't judge Islamic people as women haters. Muslim men love their women just as much as you do. Just not in the same way or how you think they ought to. Personally, I think 7 years is too long to make up your mind AND too long for a woman to wait. But CONGRADULATIONS on your upcoming wedding. You are finally a man. Best Wishes to you AND your fiance. To perhapsnot: This question was just to get single young womens thoughts. Well, I got what I asked for.. I don't have a nasty personality. I'm a pretty approachable person if you get to know me. Yes I might fail with Western women (though I seriously doubt it) but Cerebus was kind enough to point directions for me. You are right. I have no idea how to romance a woman, that's why when I'm married I will learn how to from my wife. Thankyou for giving me the challenge. I know it will be hard but I'll find what I'm looking for if I search hard enough. Love you AND goodbye. Finally, to Ciar: I am a man who desires to build a home AND raise a family. All I need is a woman who is willing to support me in building my home AND bring forth children with me for both of us to love. That is the intention of my proposal. I'm offering family. I'm not forcing you to be a wife or mother if you don't want to. But if that's what you truly desire for a man to give you, his love, children AND a home, then reach out your hand to him in trust AND confidence. Otherwise just say no AND walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 OP, your question is based on the assumption that women ONLY want to get married, breed children and dote on a man. It may have seemed that way in the past but that was because there were so few options available to women. A great many remain single because they want to. They've made a conscious decison to forego, delay or end a marriage because we love the freedom and control (over our lives) that earning our own living provides us. We can spend our money, or not, as we see fit. We don't have to ask for it anymore or make excuses or hide purchases. We love travelling, sight-seeing, reading, learning new skills, getting together with women friends and peace and quiet on our own. The whole point of a courtship is to size up one's potential partner and determine, for oneself, a suitor's sincerity, stability and compatibility. Even business parners and prospective employers do this. Surely you wouldn't just take some woman you'd just met at her word, would you? What kind of father would you be if you had no screening process?Yes, there is some merit to seeing a marriage as a business partnership. Perhaps if more people put the same forethought into the former as they would the latter, there would be far fewer divorces. But if all you're looking for is someone to carry out certain functions in your home, why not just hire one or two or as many as you need? The screening process would be shorter and once you pay them, they can go home and get out of your space.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): No, I would not marry you. You say the courtship thing is a farce. It sounds to me like what you want is an attractive business deal, not a marraige.
Courtship is the opportunity to get to know someone, lay the ground rules of the relationship, expose our emotional secrets, see if there are any quirks or deal breakers in the mix. It is not all about candlelight and roses, dinners or evenings out on the town.
If you want a business deal like what you are proposing, then go to a country that promotes arranged marraiges, because to me that sounds like that is what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (13 August 2012):
 Clearly your very stubborn mind is already made up. You're not really hear to listen; you're just here to argue your unrealistic, juvenile point of view. Since you're obviously in the right here, why don't you go right ahead with your plan. Why ask us? Go right ahead with your brilliant idea and ask a women that you barely know to marry you. Take note of their responses and maybe some sense will seep into that brain of yours. Maybe all the rejections and failures will turn on a light upstairs....maybe.
It is very clear to me that you have no idea how to romance women... nor do you know what you're doing. I am willing to bet anything that you have no game at all and that you do very poorly with the ladies.... probably people in general. From what little I have read on your outlook in life, I say good luck to you. The only women or men that will take you into their lives (aside from your family) are people that are weak with no mind of their own and uninteresting. Anything with half a brain would steer far away from your nasty personality.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): "The only reason why a woman would refuse to marry me is because she is afraid to fail as a wife."
No it's because they'd think you're an absolute nutcase and they wouldn't be too wrong from what I've just read.
"I want a woman who is willing to support me as a man, bear my children, nurture them, cook my food, clean my house, manage the finances & at the end of the day after all her hard work I come back home to her & thank her with a kiss & let her rest from her household chores in my arms."
Then go find a Muslim woman or one from a nation where women are still property.
"You have emotional needs(aka having an emotional connection with your husband), I as your husband meet them."
Oh yeah and how do you know?
OP I've had more girlfriends and lovers than you've had wanks, want to know what I've learned? Not one single girl has the exact same emotional needs as the next and not all of them can be fulfilled by you. Enjoy your life of shitty sex with a woman who can't cook because you didn't bother to get to know whether she could do those things well before you invoked your God to bind you both together forever.
"WE DON'T KNOW OUR ROLES AS MEN AND WOMEN ANYMORE."
I SURE AS HELL DO!!! My role is to be me, to share myself with my woman and do all that I can to ensure her and my needs are met in our relationship.
7 years we're together OP and will be getting engaged in the near future. Neither of us give a crap about marriage in any major way but we owe it to our friends and family to have a big fuck off party, with tonnes of free drink and food, and dress up to thank them for all the years they've supported us and helped us become the couple we are. Especially our mothers because Irish mothers basically don't think their mission is accomplished until their children are married with their own kids.
We don't have roles because we don't need roles, we just use our natural abilities to supplement each others lives and add what we can to progress and success of our relationship.
She's better with money than me so she handles all the finances, she earns more than I do and frankly she always will, her career prospects are that good. I'm a far better cook than she is and my job allows me lots of time off during the summer and xmas so I do the majority of the housework which is basically nothing because we have automated everything in our house, a robot mower, automated hoover etc.
Why bother cleaning when live in a world where you can earn enough money to have a machine do it?
You know what your problem really is? You're inept or at least you think you are. You're what me and my friends call a guy with small penis complex. You want everything to be handed to you on a plate so you don't have to do any work. Well go buy a Russian bride then or convert to Islam. but don't for one second think even those women are just going to be drones there to be exactly how you want them to be. You're going to have wait another 20-30 years until we can make proper androids that are programmable to your exact specifications, that way you even have to do the all that boring and annoying emotional needs crap.
OP no woman, apart from the mentally challenged, is going to take you seriously at all until you get rid of this whole confusion you have.
Besides you're missing out on all the fun it is to be a man, to be a hunter, to be out there dating women and being successful because while you consider past relationships failures, I consider them all successes and wouldn't trade any of those experiences for anything in the world. Because that's what life is, experiencing love, experiencing people and taking the good with the bad.
You're not going anywhere in life until you understand that modern social conventions mean women aren't just your warm comfort hole who stay at home all day gleefully singing about how much they love their husband and serving him, women are free to make their own choices. By the way, women who did have to live like that generally hated it, if they didn't hate it they were usually medicated or they had have a bottle of wine or two every day to cope.
You honestly should seek professional counselling for this OP, it's an exceptionally strange way to view the world, you sound like you're living in a fantasy.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 August 2012):
With your brilliant idea, why are you still single? You can't just assume every woman here is single just because she'd turn down a marriage proposal from a complete stranger.
Marriages FAIL, in case you haven't heard. The protestants in England were the first to allow divorce, and before that any who wanted to re-marry would have to murder his wife first. Which was a completely common thing to do in the royal families prior to protestantism.
Marriages fail, and like I said yours most likely would fail. Leaving you broke, as divorces are expensive, and you being financial stable you''d probably have to still support your wife after you divorced. Which is why you don't just jump up and marry the first and best you see.
People who have dated and are still single are single because the ones they dated were not suitable! Had they married that person they'd be MISERABLE in life. Sure, they'd be married, but they'd be MISERABLE.
Maybe you don't care about being happy in life, but most of us care about that. Men too, for that matter, you're the only person I ever heard of who wanted to blindly marry a random person.
As for what it'd take for me to accept a proposal? I'd have to love him, trust him, know he's honest with me, good to me, respects me, and he needs to be someone who makes me happy, and someone I want to make happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 August 2012):
So you don’t think that women have sexual needs or that men have emotional needs? How can a woman have a connection with a man that sees a marriage as a business deal?
You could not, in the scenario you present convince me that you could meet a woman’s emotional needs. If you do not meet a woman’s emotional needs, she will not meet your sexual needs. What happens if you come home expecting dinner and sex and she says “not tonight, I’ve got cramps, fend for yourself I’m going to bed.” Has she broken the contract?
I never played a ROLE as a mother. I was a mother.
As for your belief that you provide enough for upkeep without a second income… highly HIGHLY unlikely. Usually in this world both partners are working full time outside the home. And then the wife usually still bears the brunt of the housework and child care.
Children are often fed by the fathers and need to be nurtured by them also. It’s not so very black and white… Again do you have Aspergers or ADHD or AUTISIM? Or anything on that spectrum???
Your view of how life work are so black and white I can’t imagine they are not colored by some perception issues.
So in your mind the role of a woman is:
Run a home
Feed the man
Give him sex
Feed and clothe and bathe his children
And the role of the man:
Go out work and bring home the money
I will be happy to discuss this with my fiancé when I get home from work.. He’s home running the house now…
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 August 2012):
Tell us a little about yourself, big guy. Have you dated a lot and are just tired of it or have you never dated and are afraid of it? And don't shout.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): To so very confused, you say I view marriage as a business deal. Why could that be so wrong. You have emotional needs(aka having an emotional connection with your husband), I as your husband meet them. I have physical needs (aka sexual intercourse), you as my wife fulfill them. You play your role as the mother of the house by managing & taking care of everything concerning its upkeep. I as the father of the house make sure there's enough resources for its upkeep. You as the mother feed & nurture our children. I as the father teach them the values of humanity. I can go on and on and on. You honestly can't tell me that this is not fair. That's how a marriage should work. The problem is when YOU don't know your role as a woman & I don't know my role as a man. That's when we get confused & make a mess of our lives. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS ARGUMENT. WE DON'T KNOW OUR ROLES AS MEN AND WOMEN ANYMORE. IF WE DID, WE WOULDN'T BE WASTING OUR TIME DATING. YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR YOU TO BE MARRIED. AND I WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO & HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN WHEN I CHOOSE TO GET MARRIED. IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO REALIZE?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 August 2012):
I can think of something else that's bound to "wither away", into a stubby little nub most likely.....
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 August 2012):
My God, a man who finally understands me!
All these years I pretended (or deluded myself into believing) I had a need for adventure, excitement and challenge. I always thought I could have some of that by travelling, reading, day trips to the cinema, visiting a museum, learning new skills and meeting new people. I even thought a life partner would be someone who shared the same interests with whom I could build a life and a future.
And to think...all I really wanted and needed was diapers, dish pan hands, a 'thank you' kiss, a half hour break and the sole responsibility of making a marriage work.
I really can't thank you enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 August 2012):
If you date someone and it doesn’t work out, you end dating them.. no marriage
If you date someone and it works out… marriage… not sure what the disconnect is for you OP…
And to be honest I Think that most of the women that answered you are married…. Or partnered long term (I’m engaged)
You said: “The only reason why a woman would refuse to marry me is because she is afraid to fail as a wife. If she is confident that she is competent domestically & will be able make a home that this man is willing to provide for her, then she has no reason to refuse marriage.”
Umm… are you serious? Just because she can cook, clean, take care of a home and have sex makes her a good choice? How about a woman refuses to marry you because you have no ability to have an emotional connection to another person?
You seem to view marriage purely as a business deal. Love and affection has no play in this correct? You want a business partner that you can have sex with, that cooks for you and cleans for you and takes care of you. You don’t care if she likes or loves you or if you like or love her?
You will be alone OP because there is WAY more to wanting to marry than a business deal.
I can cook.
I can clean
I earn more money than my partner
I have had children but my current partner thankfully does not want any so we will not be having children in this marriage.
BTW what do you do for her as a wife after she cooks, cleans, bears your children, does your laundry, services your sexual needs?
If you think that the ONLY reason a woman says NO to your proposals of marriage is her lack of preparedness to be a spouse, you really don’t understand human nature.
Do you have Austim or Aspergers or ADHD???
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): Okay, fair enough. Most of you will say a downright NO. If that's the case, then why are most of you still single? If most of you are honest you'll all admit of having failed dates, which gives no substance to your argument of getting to know someone as a prerequisite to marriage. With dating you are allowed to fail. With marriage there's no room for failure. And that is what I believe is the heart of the matter. The only reason why a woman would refuse to marry me is because she is afraid to fail as a wife. If she is confident that she is competent domestically & will be able make a home that this man is willing to provide for her, then she has no reason to refuse marriage. The reason why all of you said no has nothing to do with the man if he is more than willing to make you his wife. The reason is that deep down in your hearts, you don't believe you can make a good wife but this thought is too much for most of you to handle so you will project it to the man & not admit this to yourselves. Being married is being grown up about life. Not dating. I don't want a 'girl' friend. I want a woman. I want a wife. I want a woman who is willing to support me as a man, bear my children, nurture them, cook my food, clean my house, manage the finances & at the end of the day after all her hard work I come back home to her & thank her with a kiss & let her rest from her household chores in my arms. Please... If the answer is a No it's a no because of your unpreparedness as a woman not mine. I would be a fool to ask a woman to become my wife if I'm not prepared to become her husband. All your answers, as a man, make me sad. I know you all have so much love to give a man, but you are all preoccupied with getting more than you want to give. That's why you all will still remain single & God forbid wither away. You all haven't relinquished this girlfriend mentality. LOVE YOU ALL.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 August 2012):
I have a question for you OP, why would you approach a woman you do not know and ask her to marry you?
What do you think that marriage is about?
If a man I did not know came to me and asked me to marry him citing financial security and a desire to be coupled and a parent I would decline. No young woman wants a business proposition...
If a man I had been dating a year said he loved me and wanted to build a life with me... that I would consider.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): Since all of you said no, then what would it take for most of you to say Yes to a man?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 August 2012):
This is a rare combination of being cynical and incredibly naive at the same time. I didn't think that was possible actually. On the one hand you are cynical in that you think women can be bought with a ring and should be happy with that. On the other you are naive, because you think marrying someone you don't know is actually going to make you happy in life.
Any future marriage of yours that has started off like this is likely to end in a fat allimony sent to your ex wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 I am not a young single woman , but I am still a woman, with a couple of ounces of common sense too , and, sorry pal, but any normal single girl would probably call the paramedicsfor you, presented with an offer like you mention.
You seem to come straight out of a Jane Austen´s novel : the simple fact that a man offers marriage and financial stability ( what kind exactly of " financial stability " can a young lad 22-25 offer nowadays, I´d be curious to know, but that´s another story ) should be enough to overwhelm and overjoy her, yessss! a Husband !!!, and it should be per se such an honour and a prize, that she should be just grateful and not be too finicky about the details, right ? Stuff like,, if she is in love with you, if you are physically compatible, if you have matching personalities that allow you to get along in everyday´s life and handle arguments and disagreements in a positive way, if you have similar or compatible ideas about important stuff like money handling, personal freedom, kid raising etc...
There are a lot of things to hopefully find out before deciding to commit your entire life to another person, and, while a pinch of optimism is necessary because after all you never know completely another person and they may always surprise you even 10 or 20 years later.... still, one has to at least TRY getting to know, really know, the perspective mate BEFORE getting hitched. It´s just plain common sense,
wanting to get settled and make a family does not mean that anyone is acceptable as long as they are game. One would not buy a house or apartment, just ANY house or apartment that´s available and maybe looks nice at first sight- just because they are sick and tired of paying rent and want the stability of homeowning. It all depends WHICH home you´d be owning- it has to be the right one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (13 August 2012):
 Were I single and this was asked of me, I'd say no, because it's not like all women want in life is to get married.
I'd need to date someone before I married them, to get to know if we're compatible!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): Just because a man is well off in life, doesn't mean we are compatible. I don't look for a man who will be able to support me financialy, I don't care about that. I'm looking for a partner, someone I can have fun with, someone who makes me laugh, someone who is interested in what I do in life... I have to date first to know if all of that is there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 August 2012):
 I'm not single, but I'd bite anyways.
No, for all I know he is "only" good on paper.
Arranged marriages work, but not as much as they "used" to, because now women want more then just a "husband". They want LOVE too.
Just because you can take care of my materialistic needs doesn't mean you can take care of my physical, spiritual and emotional needs. So I'd have STUFF but be bound to a man I share nothing with. No chemistry, no love, no lust?
Sounds more like you want to "BUY" a wife.
Personally, I wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive. I wouldn't buy a horse without having it vetted and spend time around the horse to see if we click. And there is NO way I would just marry a guy because he can "afford" me.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 August 2012):
"This question is especially for young single women. If a young single man who has everything going for him financially and career wise decides to settle down and approaches you but doesn't want to date you but asks you to marry him. Would you say Yes?"
NO!!! Just because he may want to marry me, start a family, and be finanacially stable does not mean I'll be happy with him. What if he's verbally or physically abusive? What if his personality is just odd and/or doesn't suit your own? It can be as simple as not liking the way he smells or chews his food that could make you want nothing to do with someone else. I'd rather be single the rest of my life than share it with someone I could not stand, regardless of what they had to offer.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Would you buy a house without knowing anything at all about it? You know what it looks like from the front and where it is, but you don't know anything else. Not the inside, not how many rooms, not even the price. Would you buy it? Of course not.
Dating is not a farce, it is how people get to know each other. Marriage is not the be all end all of a relationship. It's not as though this is a movie and as soon as the wedding happens the credits start rolling. A marriage is making a lifelong commitment to someone. Why would you want to legally bind yourself to someone for life if you don't know much of anything about them?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): It takes min. probably 3 years to really know what you are getting in terms of a partner. When you first meet them, they are the best of themselves. You need to see also what the worst is before you commit to marriage.
Having said that, if I had the right instinct about someone, then I would marry straight away. It would have to be a very strong instinct, though, and that is a rare thing. Usually there is attraction, and possibly liking, but this isn't enough to base it all on. Has to be:
Either - very strong instinct that this is your other half (rare)
Or - tried and tested over some time, so you know what you're getting
It isn't just a question of money and correct procedure and wanting to have and support a family - it's also the emotional thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (12 August 2012):
well if hes a foreigner as in someone who would need a visa, then he could want to marry you for papers. that is just one angle of the possibilities of course. but if he is such a good catch why would he make himself seem so desperate? remember if something is too good to be true, it usually is.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Why say no? Because "dating" has to do with getting to know someone and finding out whether or not you are compatible. People who are not compatible should not enter into a lifetime commitment. While some cultures have arranged marriages, most do not because they recognize the importance of this "getting to know one another" period.
YouWish has an excellent response for you. Please take it to heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 August 2012):
 When it comes to marriage, there *is* no cutting to the chase. There are no shortcuts. You need that time to get to know someone.
A marriage vow is a lifetime affair, even if it ends in divorce. The effects reach through the entire life, be it children, finances, family, friends, etc. Many times in a courtship, things come up that, big or small, can be red flags. Are there addictive personalities? Emotional issues? Financial incompatibility? Religious differences? Parenting style clashes?
Simply having the money and wanting to have a family with you is no reason to just say yes and make a hasty decision, nor is it reason for a guy to simply get married without spending a lot of time getting to know the woman they want to marry.
The very idea of courtship is to get to know the entire person, good traits and bad, and deciding whether the bad traits are okay to live with, and the good traits make you a better person and vice versa. Nobody's perfect, but can the imperfections still exist and be compatible? Also, spending time tends to weed out the impulsive, flaky, people with ulterior motives (men and women), liars, and many red flags.
There is never a rush when it comes to marriage. So what if there's an extra year or 2 or three when it comes to making a 30-40-50+ year commitment? Take the time. Consider courtship a gift, not a farce.
...............................
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (12 August 2012):
 1. I would want to be sure I'm marrying the right person! I don't want to marry someone just because he's financially secure and wants to have a family. I want to marry a man that I'm in love with and don't want to spend a day of my life without!2. Women enjoy courtship. It's when we get to go out on dates, when we expectantly and excitedly await your phone call, when we get to know each other by having fun and doing things. Getting married right away would cut all of that out and fast forward the relationship to the more mundane, everyday things like taking care of the house, the kids, etc.
...............................
|
