A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 37 year old man. I have been married for 8 years with one 3 year old girl. My question revolves around sex. for the last few years i am lucky to get lucky once every 3 months to 6 months, and then i have to almost beg for it. when i try and talk about it with her i get "You and sex, that's all you think about" or "I just dont need need it anymore". But then if someone starts talking about some of the celebrities she thinks is attractive (Robert Pattenson, Ryan Renolds, etc), she says thing like "i would tear him up" or "i would and $%# the @$#% out of him", and it doesn't even bother her to say that stuff right in front of me. Not only that, but she has a drawer of toys in her night stand that she says she never uses, but i know better, especially since the batteries end up right back in them after i take them out. I just dont understand how you can claim no sex drive, but yet say or do the things she does. i began looking at myself and i don't know what to make out of it. I mean in the last 2 years i have lost over 40 pounds, i have a new job that makes me happy and i make more money. So i dont know how i can be less attractive to her. In the past we were very active sexually, and i just don't know how you can that drive completely, and that quickly. Am i wrong to think she might be cheating on me? i dont know how she could just on the aspect of time because although my new job has me working more hours, and i am away from her more, she does care for my daughter alot more than i can which has to take up alot of time. If she wont talk to me about it, what does that say?
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (11 June 2009):
 I know you're really frustrated about the situation, but I think you might have to put sex on hold for a while. It sounds like whatever her problem is, it's pretty deep. It's cool that she's at least open with herself and masturbates, but the fact that it's taking over your sex life with each other is what's wrong. Though at least it is a hint that she still has a sex drive. If she was getting attention from the side, I don't think she would be using her toys as often, especially if it was with other women. I think you are attempting to rationalize the lack of attention toward you with some other solution that just doesn't seem probable. Have you ever considered her age? Women at her age sometimes decrease interest in the entire sex department, and the explanation of her own personal body image could be spot on. Maybe she needs constant reassurance about her appearance? And I think the both of you need to be more careful about checking out other people of the opposite gender. That can really hurt the other person's feelings, and damage body image even more so.
Anyway, you said that you want to write a letter. If you think that this will make you feel better, go for it! Even writing it down and not exactly giving it to her might make you feel better. Just avoid criticizing her. Be loving. Tell her how much you miss her. When it all boils down to it, sex isn't everything in a marriage, and that's something you might have to accept for a while. All you can do is keep building her up. Don't forget. Romance is nice every once in a while. Invest in a day and see how it goes. She might loosen up.
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 Forget about the sex for the moment. You will need some patience for this don't expect a quick fix it will take time but it will be worth it. Start from scratch, in a gentle almost unkowning way begin to pay her some attention. Don't go at this too fast or she will think you are up to something which you are of course. At some stage write a brief but affectionate note and post it to her, don't take flowers until much later, too obvious. Tell her you love her out of the blue, but do it quietly like a whisper and do all of these things and more (you can be creative) a little more often until she stops noticing that it is happening, then you will know you are making progress. Have no expectation of sex at all. Keep this up be consistent. Don't tell her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, she won't believe that because she doesn't feel like it and she knows she's not but do tell her that she is the most beautiful person in the world...to you. Forget about the toys or a possible 'other' relationship either real or perceived. Keep your focus, remain calm do not show any anxiety, never lose it (or all the effort will go in one hit) be the most patient and persistent person. If you work in sales you will know that you sometimes need to knock on a prospects door many many times before you get the result you want, be the salesman...everything depends on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I would try talking to her about it without making her feel too defensive. Ask her what would turn her on sexually, talk to her about her body image, why does she feel fat and unattractive? Tell her how you feel about her and what you would like to do with her...
She may just not be feeling very sexual because of stress and not being romanced. For women, sex starts 24 hours before it actually happens, it is the attention and appreciation that their man shows them all day before. Get her some help around the house, give her a spa day which includes a new hair cut or make up session.
Schedule a weekend away out of town, just the two of you, get a babysitter for your daughter. Get a baby sitter for your child once a week and have a scheduled "date" night.
I don't think all hope is lost, she doesn't sound like she is having an affair, she has just lost her sexual confidence. I think the longer you ignore it and the more you don't just start to have sex the harder it is to get back into it. Is she depressed as well? Or is she going through hormonal changes? If she is in the age range on your post she is perimenopausal and she may have lowered estrogen levels and low testosterone levels which give her her sex drive. She needs to have her levels checked by a doctor and to tell them her low sex drive symptoms because I am thinking that she has this problem....she also may be feeling really tired if her hormones are out of whack.
So suggest she get a check up pronto and don't give up on your sex life! You have been going without for way too long here....it is not good for your relationship or your marriage.
But you know that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionour sex life when we had one was good. she honestly seemded to have fun. after we were done she would say things like, "we got to do that more often", but then it would never happen.
the thing that bothers me, is even though i want to make the effort to change this, why am i the only one who need to make the effort? i know its because i am the one who is looking to get something out of all this, but why do i have to make this sort of effort with a woman who says she loves me. anyone else seem confused with anyone in a marrage having to do one thing to get another? That is not what i signed up for even though i love her to death. what makes a woman who seems to love me to death, at the same time have no desire to be physically intimate.
When i try to talk about it, she refuses to talk. she says, im ridiculous and im ignoring you.
i dont think she is having an affair, i really dont. but i also dont know how a woman that used to "wanna have a quicky" while we have company over, goes from that extreme to this one. Part of me thinks every once in a while that maybe she is getting together with some of these women she met. i dont really believe that but the drastic change makes me think something has to be going on.
I love sex. thats me. another thing that bothers me is the sex i do get seems to be her way to shut me up about it, and less about her wanting to. I want her to want to. I dont want her to feel like she has to.
i know its gay as hell and a horrible way to do anything like this, but when i try to talk about it she stops the conversation. Would writting her be a bad idea. i am leaving for a week for work. would writing her and leaving it at the house right before i leave be bad. inside i feel like it is a bad idea, but at the same time, i feel like i have to do SOMETHING else because what has been done isnt working.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlet me try to answer some of these questions...
First off, her using her toys doesnt bother me. she realizes i masterbate (like all men) and i realize she masterbates. her using her toys is not the problem. the problem is the lack of the real thing. We would never have sex if i didnt try as hard as i do. Just once i would love to feel like i am not making her have sex with me. I would love to feel like she "wants to" and not "has to" to shut me up.
She doesn't go out at odd time or anything but she has gone out more often than she used to, but then again she has met a ton of new married friend on the "Moms like us" web site. I know she loves me, when i am out playing softball or playing poker, she is upset when i am not home with her. I have cut the amount of time i spend out to try to show her i am making an effort but it never seems enough.
Thye last year has been very stressful. in that time we had our house on the market, building a new one, then i got laid off. Then i found my new job and our house is on the market again, and we still want to build. plus we had plans to try for #2. not only that, she is constantly calling herself fat and ugly, no matter what i say. she says thing like "why do you even wanna have sex with this".
she constantly thinks i am out cheating on her, something i have NEVER even though about doing. of course i am like all men and have to look at attractive women, but i try not to do it around her for sure, but i get caught every once in a while. I also have caught her looking. But that's all it is, is looking.
more to come....
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 June 2009):
 Hey there,
Now you may have a problem here - scratch that, you DO have a problem here. It's just a question of whether or not she's cheating, which somehow I doubt. I hope somehow, that soothes you. You haven't mentioned any other indications of her being unfaithful - has she been acting distant, getting phone calls, going out at mysterious times? What has she been doing, besides masturbating and mentioning celeb fantasies, that makes you suspicious of infidelity?
She's got sexual energy, so it's not like she's lost interest. So she's got vibrators and she uses it - she needs an outlet. Much like men with porn - women get upset at their masturbating men, when men maintain that it's not personal, it's them satisfying natural urges. I support this, and I support your woman in finding sexual gratification with you.
The problem with porn, and perhaps the problem with your wife is when you begin to prefer having sex with yourself than sex with your partner. Perhaps she has an addiction of sorts. I'm curious about what sort of effort you're putting into your partner, whether or not you're keeping up your romantic life, which women often connect to their sexual life. I'm curious if you continue to compliment her, make her feel sexy, enjoy a healthy amount of foreplay before you have sex. What is/was your sex life like when it was active? Exciting? Routine? Bland?
Once every 3-6 months seems extreme and it's definitely suggesting that there are problems. You and your wife really need to have an honest talk about what's going on. Maybe she's uncomfortable with your weight loss and success - maybe she feels inferior or like you've gotten all sexy and she's two steps behind. Maybe she feels like she's not as hot as she used to be. You need to talk about what's going on, because you definitely have a problem. But it's fixable! Don't lose hope.
Good luck, give us some more answers and info and let us know what's going on.
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A
female
reader, cindy888 +, writes (11 June 2009):
That's the thing about toys and women and in this case the toys took over your role. Will she give them up? I think that's something she'll have to do before you can get your sex life and marriage back on track. Give up her toy boyfriend and make room for her husband. Was your sex life normal before? Some women can't feel anything unless they use toys because they don't have very sensitive female parts. I'm going through something similar with my boyfriend but we are working on it but I'm not going to replace him with a vibrator. Also, if she's been using toys alot, this can actually make her feel less during sex because this has happened to some of my female friends. They used toys while they were single and now they don't feel as much during sex. It doesn't seem like she'd be cheating because she wouldn't be going through so many batteries.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Had to reply to this one.Sounds like my ex-wife!!She "went off" sex, and whenever I tried talking about it, she used to say that is all i ever thought about, and caused a big argument so we would end up not talking, and not sleeping together!Even tried going to a marriage counsellor to try and get things back on track, but no joy there, she just wasnt interested.She also had various "toys", that we used to enjoy together, so I turned all the batteries round, and then found them all the right way round and working again!Shortly after, she admitted she was seeing someone else, but it had all finished etc, and she was sorry etc.But, I could never trust her again which is why she is my ex!
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (11 June 2009):
I don't really think that she's having an affair...does she even have the time for that while raising a daughter while you're at work? Anyway, the main issue seems to definitely be communication. The first thing she needs to stop is saying things about other men in front of you. Maybe she just says that to make you feel like you need to take a priority in working on your approach toward sex? Maybe she isn't using the toys as much as you think...maybe that's all in your head? First though you should tell her that she makes you feel bad when she says those things about other men. Tell her it makes you feel a bit neglected, seeing as she doesn't want to have sex with the man that LOVES her! Second, maybe try a different approach to seducing her. Attempt to make a small romantic night in. Flowers and a good dinner would be nice. OR you could even offer her to help her out with those toys of hers to get her mood going. Attempt to do new approaches to spice things up and break the ice. If all else fails, just keep trying to talk to her about why she doesn't have sex. When she becomes hostile with 'it's all about sex for you', just respond back 'is it a crime to want to have sex with the woman I love?' She sounds hostile and stressed. Maybe she even needs help around the house? There is only so much YOU can do however, because you are a hard worker and you are obviously a caring husband. Just keep working on her.
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