A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm really stupid, I met a perfect man, he is 32, funny, good career, sweet, good looking, from same background. We met 3 months ago in a club, I am 31 female And we got on great. Problem was in always felt a bit awkward in bed! He was good at certain stuff, amazing even, but the actually sex part was always not quite right.I have a pretty high sex drive so big deal for me! Anyway as a result I was reluctant to see him and use to cancel on him about a million times. Then last week I got talking to friends, I realized I'm only single one and that's his actually perfect in all other areas and who cares if sex isn't so great, fades anyway. He'd be a wonderful father and husband and friend. Just as i realize this, he messages to say feels bad but his ex got in contact last week they are giving it another go and good luck in life! I'm really gutted, it was exactly that moment I thought yeah this guy is nice and I'm too old to chase the fun. I know think I'm going to be left on the shelf :( 31 only single one I know!
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male
reader, eek +, writes (16 December 2011):
 31 is not old. My last girlfriend was 34. There is still time yet to find "the one"Also you said the "sex part was always not quite right" and that it is a big deal for you. After time that may have started to annoy you which could cause problems in the relationship. (it did with me and my ex we went from 4 or more times a day to once a month) you say it fades away though as long as you both make am effort to keep passion in a relationship why should it? Like you i like a good healthy sex life and im sure if you find the right person you can have that. Stay positive. You wont be left on the shelf. Like you im hoping there is someone out there for all of us. Good luck :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Thing is, when you had him you didn't really want him. Remember that. Don't settle for 'good enough' just because there's no one else on the scene at the moment. Basically that's it in a nutshell.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 You know what OP, when you decided to compromise and settle for him, that's exactly what it was. A compromise. You were ready to look beyond something that was important for you,because you are starting to feel (unreasonably so!) that you are getting older and you need a husband and a man to have a home with, even if it means having to compromise a bit.
Its not the man you're feeling bad about, its the feeling of being alone. And this is exactly where you need to get a hold on your feelings and stop comparing your life to others. 31 and the only single person? What about all the others who're stuck in dead end relationships and envying YOU for being so lucky for NOT having the burden of the wrong man?! Stop comparing your life to your friends'...obviously everyone advertises their life like its the best, and you don't really know what someone is really going through. You're only seeing the glossy outer cover, not what's inside.
Mark Twain once famously said, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Follow it! That's what I believe in. Don't just rush into a relationship just for the sake of it or for that goddamn invisible biological clock.
Trust me OP, when the right person comes along, you will know it. He wont be a stupid rebound and you wont have to convince yourself about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Fear of being left on the shelf is a crazy reason for deciding he's the one for you. He is not Mr. Wonderful because he used you. Have you not thought of that. Stop being so desperate and something may happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): It was not just as you realised how good he was. It was when when you realised you may miss the boat. For him, he has made the best decision as for his choice of partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I'll never understand why ladies feel that way to be honest. I mean I get why it is, I understand the pressures from society and the biological clock thing, I understand being raised to see men and relationships as the ultimate goal in life is just what happens but I never understand why people hate being single so much or let it get them down. Especially women.
My point is attracting a man isn't the be all and end all of life. We make a good addition to a woman's life some of the time but we're not essential to a woman's long term happiness or health. I know there's tonnes of guys that are same but it doesn't seem to effect the ones I know so profoundly as it does the girls I know, because single girls are usually pitied by other women and constantly being quizzed on why they don't have a man.
The most ironic thing of all though is that women who are independent, confident and happy being single are the most attractive ones to us guys. I have one girl friend your age OP who has put her career first and is very happy living her life single and sees guys as an unnecessary complication, yet she is constantly being chatted up, asked out by some pretty high quality guys in all kinds of places. The women that sit there forlorn wondering why they're still single and wishing they had a man then have a very tough time of it because there is a fine line between wanting a guy and being needy and desperate. They date guys that are idiots and let things they really shouldn't, they lower their standards or as in your case they view one failed conquest with a guy who was on the rebound and who they had no chance with anyway as their last chance at getting a great guy.
OP this guy was on the rebound, you don't know how great this guy would have turned out because it was only 3 months. Not only that but regardless of whether you didn't blow him off it was only going to take one phone call from his ex to for him to go running back to her. You just tided him over while he waited for that call.
It's not your fault and you're not stupid because you didn't stand a chance anyway and you're certainly not too old nor on the shelf. Just move on, there are plenty of other guys out there looking for love and if you take the time to enjoy being single with the independence and confidence that can give then you'll meet plenty of other guys that want to share in your life. Next time don't go for guys that are just out of a relationship. Rebounds suck and you shouldn't lower your standards to a guy who would do anything that walks just to have a woman to give him what he misses about being with his ex.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (16 December 2011):
He was obviously missing his ex. At this moment you are panicking over being left on the shelf. It`s hardly heartbreak is it? You wont find love, it will find you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 December 2011):
I actually think that you made the right decision not seeing him again, and that what worries you more is being left on the shelf, rather than losing him.
For all this guy's good points, there was a point at which you weren't connecting. You have a high sex drive, and you thought that it was awkward between you. You admit that this was a big deal, and whilst you say that sex drive fades, that doesn't happen for some time, and for women it often comes back!
To add to that, you didn't see him after deciding he wasn't the one, and only became worried when you:
a) Realized you're the only single one.
b)Thought you'd be left on the shelf.
And even if that hadn't happened, the guy went back to his ex, meaning he can't have been over her and wouldn't have been that great after all.
I think that overall, choosing to not see him again was the right thing to do. He had some things he needed to deal with, and you realized that perhaps you weren't connecting as you'd like. He just wasn't the one. And he only text you that he was getting back with an ex - it's not like he was a real gent and he told you in person.
The first thing you need to do is not worry about 'being left on the shelf'. That attitude, I'm afraid, has sent women straight into the arms of unsuitable men. I've heard women say that before, and they are often very unhappy because they didn't wait for the right one. If you take that attitude and you worry, you will pick the wrong man, and Mr Right will walk right on by.
As for being too old! Rubbish! You're only 31, and you still have time to meet good guys and find the right one. If you do want to meet the right one though, don't think negative thoughts. All you have to do is be yourself, and get out there and meet new men elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Thats life isn't it! Its probably just as well you didn't get attached because he probably would have gone back to his Ex anyway and you would have been hurt.
You mey be the only 31 yearold YOU know who is single, but there are many others all over the UK. Now you have decided you want something serious, ready to settle down then you will attract the type of man who also does.Start looking in other places, not Bars n Clubs.
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