A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been having an affair with a married man, although not for the usual reasons.Before people criticise me, I didn't know he was married at all - not one bit.In fact I didn't even know until now, as on Sunday night we were at the pub drinking and eating, and his friend said about him being out with the wife and kids at the weekend. He'd said about him having wife and three kids, which I never knew until know.We left the pub, and had a furious argument, and he said to ignore him, he's making trouble.But it seems there are people who know him well enough to prove he's married.I feel sick and disgusted, and probably can't trust another man for a while now. I thought my boyfriend was a nice guy, but now I lost all respect for him.I ditched him on Monday, but since then he's been phoning me trying to get me to get back with him.He's not been stalkerish in tone, rather more over-emotional and weepy, and saying he'll divorce the wife and kids for me and saying he genuinely means it, but how can I ever be sure?I feel like I can't trust men but I want to be able to, how can I?How can I ever be sure that I'm not going to just be some married man's bit on the side again??Joanne
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female
reader, babymama99  +, writes (3 July 2009):
 "How can I ever be sure that I'm not going to just be some married man's bit on the side again"Every man is not like this low life. Take a little while for yourself and then get back out there. You live and learn. Use this as a learning experience and next time ask out right to begin with, are you married? AND look for the signs like him not being available to you, you not being able to contact him when you want, you not being invited to his house etc. But please don't get obsessive about it, you may meet a perfectly nice guy who by no fault of his own will end up in the 'my ex hurt me so I going to take it out on you' zone. The next time the low life calls you trying to get you to get back with him tell him that his time would be best spent trying to woo his wife because you are over him. This man will not leave his wife, but even if he did the last thing you need in your life is a man that you know beyond a shaddow of a doubt is capable of cheating on his wife and then lying to you out right to your face.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): Unless him, his wife and his kids want to start some sort of polygamist thing and it's OK with you, then I'd move on. Men cheat because they are bored. Women cheat because they are bored. I have come to accept that both sexes cheat if not physically then mentally. It's almost like claiming that you don't burp. The sad pathetic thing is that no matter what kind of relationship you are in it is inevitable that the Gods will throw their dice at your expense and you will find yourself inexplicably and irrevocably in love with someone that just pops out of nowhere whether you are married or not. It just happens.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (2 July 2009):
 hun that is horrible! and too right no-one should judge you! you weren't even to know how would anyone know you'd just trust the man and what he says which he clearly lied about.
i'm glad you got rid of him! and it will be tough for you trust another man again, but he shouldn't be trying to get you back into his life i mean how can you trust that he will actually divorce her? and if he is THAT unhappy then why didn't leave a while ago instead of leading two lives?
one with a wife and the kids and happy family home and one with the girlfriend so getting his needs fullfilled everywhere and anyway he can.
and you're right how do you know you won't just be his bit on the side?
i've seen most of my friends go through guys promising them the world the perfect life and does it ever happen....................?
nope not at all because the guys make all these big promises but never actually do anything to achieve them he's just saying he will leave this woman for you to get you back and he probably will NEVER end up actually doing what he's said he would do because he's got no balls he's not man enough.
don't let yourself be taken in again by this fool.
you're alot better than that!
i wish you all the luck in the world :)
message me if you want to talk further
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): joanne, you are one of the luckier ones, you found out this mans lying cheating ways early on. by his behaviour it indicated that he just wants you on the side. now he is weepy and claiming to leave her for you. what a load of bull. he was caught with his pants down. plse do not believe the lies about leaving the wife and 3 KIDS. they never leave, just claim that they are in the process of ending it. it is the fool mistresses who end up with nothing BUT HEARTACHE AND PAIN. now that you know the truth what are you going to do. hope against hope that he will leave her. NO. what you do is up to you, how you handle your married man is up to you but if you stay with the married one then don't complain about your life. this is a hard approach but a necessary one. so many women know about a mans marital status and continue regardless of the consequences, then even years later, cry about their situation. just read the stories here. your relationship was breeding lies and deceit how can it possibly survive anything. trust , what trust? your married man was caught with his pants down. please you have been a fool up to now unknowingly but now that you know there should be no excuse anymore. you deserve better than this bastard. i am sure he has done this before. so convienient to not mention a wife and 3 KIDS. he is a piece of work. and please crocodile tears are for a 5 year old, not a grown man, who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
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A
female
reader, flicka23  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 No, don't fall into the trap. Statistics say that there are very few men who leave their wife and children for the mistress. Have you thought that if you never found out, you would have continued to be with him and he would have continued to lie to you. He has not said anything about his marriage because he wants to have his wife, his children, his home and on top of that a girlfriend. Married men will only bring you sorrow and in the end you would end up being humiliated. You had the courage to break up with him as soon as you found out. Now do not believe his words and do you want to be responsible for the wrecking of his marriage?
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A
female
reader, ange1ange1 +, writes (2 July 2009):
listen. if he cheated on his wife and kids... don't you think that he would cheat on you too if you and him ever got serious.. let's look in the future and OPEN YOUR EYES.. fo real.....and this also means that he is a liar. you have to have trust in a relationship or you will fail but not every guy is the same... but honestly you can't tell if you going to be some married man's bit on the side.. do you believe in god? if you do you should pray and ask god for the right man and be patient. and you will definetly know..no doubt.. just try again.. you never know until try... but you definetly need to DROP "THAT MESS" LIKE ITS HOT!!!
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 You can only take it one person at a time, of course men to have had similar experiences with women (although some readers won't believe that) so its not a man specific problem. Its more about relationships and finding the person who will fit best with you and that often requires sifting through the stuff we don't want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): That's a pretty crappy situation to be thrown into but you have to move on, by that I mean completely end it with this guy and take your time to learn to trust again (not him).It will take a good bit of time but you can't let this destroy your faith, it would be easy to let this make you bitter and alone, you have ensure that doesn't happen.You can never be sure the person you date is who they claim to be, that's where trust comes into it, we don't immediately trust people but we can learn to and we have to or face a life alone. My philosophy I will trust anyone until they prove otherwise, I'm not gullible nor am I more of a fool than anyone else but I've never let someone's betrayal of my trust destroy my faith.
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