A
female
age
51-59,
*uzanne123
writes:I have a huge problem! I started dating this man, he told me that his past wife died, I fell in love, well through time things were not adding up, red flags. Come to find out his wife did not die! He is married. I confronted him and he said he would come tell me the truth, that was two days ago, he has not brought it up comes to see me only to sleep with me.The only thing he said was she does not live with him. What do I do, he has lied to me,my family her and her family. I want the truth,I deserve the truth what do I do? Not only did he break one of the ten commandments he shattered it......
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Excellent!!!!!!!!!!! You go girl and never look back!!!! There are better times ahead!!!!
A
female
reader, hot4shoes +, writes (10 September 2011):
 I agree with AuntyEm. Dump him fast and don't ask questions, he'll just lie anyway. Be strong sister or you'll find yourself in the exact same situation with another guy.
Why do women ignore the red flags then act surprised when the truth comes out? WAKE UP GIRLS!
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A
female
reader, Suzanne123 +, writes (10 September 2011):
Suzanne123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I agree. They both are strange. I already changed my numbers and blocked emails and facebook. Next time I date? Background check.... a lesson learned. Thank you for all your advise it did help and I can say is my conscience is clear now and I can move on......
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 September 2011):
Yes really, you need to step away from the both of them right this minute because you are getting yourself further and further into their lives and you have no need to be there anymore.
It doesn't matter why he lied or why his wife doesn't want to hear it. They sound like a couple of very weird people and it is no longer your problem.
Maybe you are holding onto the romance and excitement that you first felt when you got involved with this guy but the reality is that he isn't who you think he is and if you continue to question and probe the 'shoulda woulda coulda's' you are just going to prevent the emotional healing taking place.
Start your healing today. Cut all contact, delete numbers, facebook frindships, e-mail addresses and ask any mutual friends or your family never to mention him again.
Move on, forget and get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Suzanne123 +, writes (8 September 2011):
Suzanne123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi... update. I talked to his wife via facebook. She does not want to hear it. I asked her what her husband did for a living because because the man that was dating me told me his wife died. She will not answer what he does for a living. Even she wont be truthful.... It is not my cross to bare anymore.
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A
female
reader, Suzanne123 +, writes (6 September 2011):
Suzanne123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. When he knew I found out the truth and he was going to come over to "tell me everything" the only thing he said was she does not live with him.... I know she is in another state, I really hope she is not sick seeking medical treatment. That is the problem when you get caught in a lie and choose not to come clean. The aftermath. When you try to figure out a lie, I could be so wrong it is a guessing game. Family is so hurt. He got this lie by meeting my dead brothers wife while my mom was in ICU, he asked my sister in law who she was and she said that she was married to my brother who died. But your advise has helped me beyond. Yes I do have one more step.... tell his wife. I am going to pray for God's guidence.... thank you all for your much needed help!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): Well, if something is going to get you sympathy, one of the best lines to a woman who cares would be "my wife died from ovarian cancer, it was slow and painful and horrible to watch".
That is sure to arouse the caregiver instincts in a nice woman.
Yeah, he's a real user and abuser. Could you have foreseen this, no, people do this sort of thing.
However, you have one more step. You lied to her about him, which enables his abuse of her.
"she facebooked me"
So, tell her the truth about her husband. It is your turn to do the right thing. Tell her that you thought she was dead from ovarian cancer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Hello. What this character did to you is particularly nasty.
Why did he use a story about his wife? Because he did not see you as a 'real' partner. He had no long term plans for you or intentions of seeing you in any serious way. It was all about his needs, sympathy and sex.
The lies he told gave him a short cut to your bedroom. That is all he was interested in. You cant understand his behaviour...because you are not a psychiatrist. He has problems that you won't be able to understand. So don't waste time trying.
In my opinion he is using his line of work to hook up with patients relatives. Put basically, he is preying on the vulnerable. He has proved beyond doubt that he is cold, manipulative, devious, a dreadful liar and will say pretty much anything to get his needs met. Regardless of how it leaves others feeling.
My concern is that someone of his ilk has vulnerable patients in his 'care' every day. Your mother entered his care as an ill woman and you have all been left traumatized by his behaviour. At the very least, he is behaving very unprofessionally. He should be monitored in the work place because he doesn't sound fit for purpose in my opinion.
If his wife messages you again, i would stop lying and be honest to her. You don't owe her anything but it is obvious she is checking on him. And that could well be because he has done this type of thing before. By lying to her, you are doing her a disservice. You are not protecting her from her husband. You cant protect her from his behaviour. It is her husband you are protecting when you lie.
As far as i can see, you did nothing wrong. You are a victim. You have been used by him. Lying about it will not make you feel any better. Being honest will. You were taken in by an unscrupulous person, who used his position of trust to prey on you and to a lesser degree your family also.
If it were me, I'd report his conduct to the hospital and let his wife know what he is doing. He is behaving very badly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): I think you should tell his wife that he is not only cheating on her but telling women that she is DEAD, in order to do so. He is a con artist.
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A
female
reader, Suzanne123 +, writes (5 September 2011):
Suzanne123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmeant to rate your answer 5 stars.... its not encouragement I need.... just needed some support....
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (5 September 2011):
 He told you a woman DIED to get you to have sex with him.Do you really need more encouragment to end things with this manipulative psychopath?End it and go to no contact mode.
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A
female
reader, Suzanne123 +, writes (4 September 2011):
Suzanne123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers.... it does help... he is an ass beyond.... I just can not beleive that someone would be as low as telling someone your wife died.....(from overian cancer) which is a very painful way to die...I lost my brother 3 years ago, I met this idiot when my mom almost died (she was in ICU and he was her nurse) my family really liked this guy.... I made a huge mistake by thinking he would come tell me the truth, and it ended in bed.... now I am beating myself up over it.....when his wife facebooked me I just told her my family knew a man(with the same name)who was in real estate..... I did not want to hurt her....yeah I will never get the truth but its the lie itself that is so damn terriable....some married people cheat why I dunno....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 September 2011):
Just run. Don't try to get the truth out, don't look for a reason, don't think this man will suddenly turn into a good guy and tell you all. He lied all that time, so he'll lie now.
Just tell him you know and cut contact.
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A
female
reader, Suzanne123 +, writes (4 September 2011):
Suzanne123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers....it is so wrong that he said she died (from cancer) and I can not help feel so sorry for her... she facebooked me and I just did not have it in me to tell her just told her my family knew someone by the name of her husband that was in real estate...the jerk is an ICU nurse.....I am so done with him just hurts because he had me and my family snowed.... I lost my brother 3 years ago... so my parents felt so sorry for him.... what an ass....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 September 2011):
Expecting the truth from a man who has already lied to you is just madness.
He is a bad lot and you need to get rid of him quickly. Cut all contact, change your number and forget him. Just thank your lucky stars you found out before he moved in or took money from you.
Find someone better.
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 He should have told you in the beginning instead of you find out the truth. Didn't you realise,he's not honest person? Can't imagine how much more he had been hiding frm you. Ask him
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (4 September 2011):
 The real question is: why do you need his confirmation? You have already uncovered the truth. Does it make any more true/terrible if he were to tell you he is married? It makes no sense. You say he is avoiding the issue and only visits for sex. Do you want to wait for days, weeks, or months for someone to tell you something you already know? Don't waste your time and move on.
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