A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is going through depression and I want to help him. Any suggestions?He has always had this, even before me, but I feel like it's partly my responsibility to help.I've brought him chocolates, I wrote him a poem and left it on his night stand for him to find later. He's seeing a therapist, but he's still feeling anxious and just miserable to the point where he looks like he wants to cry all the time.What else can I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Don't physically do things for him, he wont necessarily feel comforted by anything at all. Be nice as usual, but remember that this isn't a broken leg, you don't show you care by writing "get better" cards. So doing things for him is nice, but don't do things you normally wouldn't do for him either way, ok? Don't do special things you wouldn't do every day if he wasn't ill at all. Just do normal things, and lead your own life.
You can't help him. Which is the first thing you must accept. Only he can help himself. And I know it is hard to stand on the side and watch the crash as it happens in front of your eyes without being able to do anything, but that's how it is. If things get hard you need to distance yourself, not move closer.
The way I choose to deal with a depressed person is to be understanding, but firm. No pitying or dilly dally like it was a baby or small child. No comforting. If they cry, then let them cry, and offer a shoulder to cry on if you have the emotional surplus to do so. If they want to rant, let them, but don't let it get to you. You are of much better help to them if you ensure you keep your sanity!
Keeping your own sanity, while staying with them and seeing it through, is the best you can do. Lead a normal life! Don't treat everything like it needs special attention, and don't accept or allow things you wouldn't normally allow. Being depressed is not a "get out of jail for free" card. Sure, you can allow them not functioning at their best, but they aren't allowed to yell at you for example, or disappear for ages without notifying you. Things like that, that's what I mean by being firm. You need to maintain the idea of "normality", set routines that are to be followed. If you let everything fly, and abandon all rules of a normal relationship, it can very well lead to the depressed person sinking even further into depression because nothing is there to hold them back.
Be the normality and stability of their lives. Act normal. Be strong. Maintain your sanity.
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