A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 5ft8 and a size 12-14 which ive always thought is pretty normal. My bodies in proportion and ive never really had an issue with it. Until i got with my boyfriend and now am sexually active, i was before but only little flings, ive never been this close to someone and slept with someone every day if you understand what i mean. Being British im pretty good at taking a joke at my expense and joining in with it too, but i dont like my boyfriends jokes about my weight. Well the other week i'd had enough and said i wanted to lose weight and i needed a goal size, my boyfriend said i should try an 8 when really i wanted him to turn round and say you dont need to lose any weight stop being silly. Then the other day we were in a shop and i bought a dress that i knew would fit me, the worker asked if i wanted to try it on and my boyfriend joked "well if she doesnt fit into it i'll starve her" and i didnt take it too well. I feel concious that he's looking at me as if im a fat trollop and hes always eyeing up other women which makes me think he wants me to be more like them. I know i shouldnt change for anyone else and ive never had an issue with my body til now and his jibes about it, so what can i do?
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female
reader, babymama99  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 I'm 5'8" and I wear a size 14. In my college days I wore a size 10 and weighed 136 pounds soaking wet. I was tiny and couldn't gain weight to save my life. If ever got down to a size 8 It would be because I had some kind of eating disorder or was sick with something. I'd be skin and bones.Don't let your boyfriend get you down as long as you love your figure I see no problem. The very next time your BOYfriend mentions something about your weight tell him that if he has a problem with it than he can feel free to move on and you can find someone who will love your beautiful physique.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2009):
 One more thought for you on the negative consequence choice; save up some lovely little barb/jokes of your own. If he says something like he did to the shop clerk, "If she doesn't fit into it, I'll starve her." Say to the shop clerk something that makes fun of him, oh, I don't know, something like: "He's just looking for an excuse not to buy me a meal, he's actually quite poor, and I'm just with him out of charity."
And what size you should be is based upon YOUR body and your health, not on some idealized notion of beauty that comes from an airbrushed, emaciated, diet-pill-popping fashion culture. If you are fit and healthy, you are fine. Don't let him chip away at that. If he's as lovely as you seem to think, he'll get the message quickly. If he's a lunkheaded idiot, you'll be able to see it too. The problem early on in relationship is that your judgement can get clouded by lust and attraction...just keep a clear head here, okay?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2009):
You've had some good advice; my tactic would be behavior modification. Reward the desired behaviors and ignore or give negative consequences to the unwanted behavior. Don't blindside him, though, let him know very lovingly but firmly that you really don't appreciate his little 'jokes' and that you would prefer that he stop doing them. Explain further that the 'jokes' are actually little verbal barbs--it's just a semantics game here, people hide the nastiest comments inside purported 'jokes'--and that they have exact opposite effect that he intends. They make you want to eat more, to exercise less and to really sink into your lovely plush body. (I'm exaggerating for effect here, by the way.) Whereas when he's lovely and supportive, you want to make yourself 'hot' for him.
He's feeling proprietary about you and your body, which isn't a bad sign in and of itself, it's just that your body belongs to YOU, not him. I agree with the others who say it's a sign of immaturity.
So once you have this loving, gentle, but airclearing talk, then you start delivering the consequences when he makes those joke/barb comments. I might completely ignore the comment and him for the next hour or two. Just be very vague and look like you are lost in thought and didn't hear him; meanwhile staring longingly at other men who are more fit than he is. Whatever you do, don't acknowledge that he has even made the comment or let him see that you heard it. It's going to take some acting skills, but you can do it.
You're not trying to get into an argument here, you are doing what dog trainers do all the time. Reward the desired behavior--when he's lovely, treat him the same way. Ignore the unwanted behavior. Or if you have to, deliver negative consequences. He makes a remark, suddenly, you're not available, you drift off and completely ignore him--there are probably many other negative consequences that you could think of, but you get the idea. You're not trying to be mean, you're trying to be firm. He's got you on the defensive about this, take back your control over yourself and don't allow him to get to you.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help! See the thing is, he generally makes me feel really good about myself, and he doesnt always put me down and does compliment me sometimes as well, and it just seems that his put me downs are jokes. I dont know if im simply just overreacting to his jokey ways and if i should forget them and remember how good he is to me? He doesnt flirt with other women, he doesnt abuse me, hes a good man and always looks after me. I must also add in a comment he made about me having short hair as welll which hurt me. Sometimes he makes hurtful comments and other times he makes nice comments. More nice comments than bad ones.
Hes really been tested with me and is still around so should i just forget the odd joke??
Also i must say i havent been holding back from commenting on other men, especially Robert Downey JR and i can see its really starting to piss him off haha!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 June 2009):
 I'm 5'8". I can wear a 10, a 12, and a 14 in clothing depending on the item. Women's clothing is hardly standardized. Your boyfirend is ignorant. Maybe he's into boys because that what you would look like at a size 8. Ask him if he's gay.
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A
female
reader, CupidLover  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 Many of my friends have issues with their boyfriends throwing silly slurs at their girlfriend's weight and body image. and let me tell you this,from the stories i've heard my friends tell me and from my own experience; a boyfriend not accepting and embracing your figure and natural beauty will have a terrible impact on your self-esteem...you need a MAN to accept you for the way you are.
If he loves you,he will sub-consiously compliment your figure and natural beaty. Trust me..thats what TRUE LOVE is all about!!
if you need to feel better about yourself,being more active and going to the gym always boosts your self-esteem!
if you need more tips,contact me :) and goodluck beautiful!
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A
female
reader, B6  +, writes (21 June 2009):
U shoulnd't loose wait because of him, if u do, do it 4 yourself, u know? he shouldn't make u feel like that, why is he with u if he want's u to change? I'm a 5.8 and size 12 as welland ok, maybe sometimes i don't feel soooo great about my weight, but a BF ain't there to make u feel bad, but to make u feel beautiful and that he cares about u, no matter your looks... Maybe if you talk to him... and teel him that bothers u... or start eyeing some really hot guys in front of him, and making comments like "uh... he looks like... great..!"
PS: I kinda like revenge haha.. =)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): No man should make you feel like that and least of all your boyfriend. Why don't you start commenting on his appearance and then start eyeing up some fit blokes - if I was you I would mention someone's amazing 6 pack or tight butt about someone on the TV. Who on earth does he think he is, treating you like that? Undermine him and then dump him for the abusive man he is - he will only get worse because when your self esteem is low he will find other things.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 June 2009):
 This guy is a complete idiot (I thought of many stronger words but didnt feel they were appropriate for this site!). Leave him right away is all I can say, he has no right to say those things to you and is a poor excuse for a man!
It sounds like you have a great figure, the size you are is perfect for your height and you have no reason to worry about your weight! It is your boyfriend with the problems not you! If you were a size 8 then you would be underweight, you would look anorexic and all skin and bones. If that is what your boyfriend is attracted to then he can f*** (sorry about the language but this has really wound me up!) off with a girl that doesnt eat, you are a gorgeous woman with an actual figure and I bet many guys would bite off their right arms to be with you!
The only thing you need to do is get rid of this man, he is a negative influence in your life and you deserve so much better! I am a size 12-14 and I'm only 5"3, and I love my curves! So I bet your figure is amazing, you are tall yet you still have curves, I bet you look fantastic! There are plenty of guys out there that love women with curves, and want their girlfriends to have a real figure instead of looking like a pre-pubescent boy! Get this man out of your life, and fast!
I cant believe he said that in front of the shop assistant, he has no right in saying something like that in the first place never mind in front of someone else! He is rude, bad mannered and pathetic, you dont need him in your life! He is just trying to control you by telling you that you need to lose weight, he probably likes your figure but he wants to make you feel insecure and he wants you to need him. So by being mean to you, he wants you to feel insecure about yourself hence tou will never leave him because you dont feel attractive enough to get another man.
This guy is bad news and the controlling behaviour wont stop with your weight, he will start to try and control every aspect of your life until you just stay at home all day because you hate yourself too much to go out. Stop him in his tracks before it is too late, get out of the relationship!
Just remember you are gorgeous and can have any man you want, he will be losing out not you!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 June 2009):
 Tell the man that, should he keep making stupid comments, you will come to me. I would take you anytime.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (21 June 2009):
 This is so common amongst young, mostly immature men. I would bet that most men find your body shape to be quite spectacular. To me, you sound like perfection!
Young men are very insecure about all sorts of things, but mostly about themselves. If any of your boyfriends mates have made even the smallest throwaway comment about your weight, he will think that his mates consider you to be too big, and will become defensive. His comments show him to be somewhat inconsiderate, and unfeeling about the effects his words may have, even if they are meant as a joke.
He clearly likes you and is happy, or he wouldn't be having sex with you. Peer pressure can do strange things to young men. Please do not think you are fat. Try not to use the word trollope in self description, as I am sure you are not one of those. There is absolutely, positively no reason for you to think about diet, or change. Be yourself, and enjoy your great body. You sound like a level headed girl, so please do not let his thoughtless jibes have any effect. Size 12-14 is perfect, and considering the average size is 16 in the UK, I think you have no worries.
The one thing that pleases me is this - you say you are in proportion. Thats fantastic. Most men think hourglass bodies are perfection. I think your boyfriend is not aware of how lucky he is.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (21 June 2009):
 dont let your bf make you feel bad about yourself. your a normal size, your not exactly obese!
if you want to lose weight do it for your self, and make it clear to your bf you dont appreciate him making fat jibes infront of people.
if he's a good guy he'd lay off you!
good luck!
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