A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please advise me, i have recently gone back to my marriage, which ment me moving to the country where my husband is from, i am here because of my husband and to save our marriage, as i believed that if i had not come over to him our marriage would be finished as he was not willing to move back to England. I am currently going to school to study the language which I am finding very difficult, plus the fact i am away from my family and friends and every so often I cry as i am finding it very difficult. He has promised that if i stay and give it a try he will eventually move back with me to England, but now he is talking about settling here, after we had discussed this in great detail. He wants children, but now i feel i have to be very careful not to get pregnant as i feel, it would be worse if things did not work out. I know people say, it you really love someone then it should not matter where you are, is this true? also, he met and married me in England, my gut feeling is telling me that he will remain in his own country and he will be very unhappy to move when the time comes. Am i wrong to be like this, can you tell me what you think please....i am not happy at the moment and dont know what to do, i love my husband but there are these issues (and we have discussed these over and over again)
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 I don't know how long you've been in this foreign country, but it sounds like you have a bad case of culture shock. I would check out resources to help you get over this -- hook up with local English people who can help you get used to the way things are done in the country and lend a sympathetic ear to your problems, find English-speaking local people who can help you adjust, read books and websites about culture shock to help you understand what you are going through. Keep working at that language and learn as much as you can about the local culture.
It usually takes a while to overcome culture shock, but in time you will feel more and more comfortable with the country you're living in. I would suggest hanging in there a bit longer. Don't give up until you've really given it a go -- at least a year, preferably a couple.
Good luck, and look on the positive side. This is an opportunity that a lot of people would jump at -- a chance to experience a foreign culture from the inside.
A
female
reader, tulipan  +, writes (8 May 2008):
My advice from being in a similar situation and also not happy but with five year old child!! If you have a child it will make it worse and not better in this situation. Your husband sounds like my partner (he can't be bothered to marry me, he's already been divorced once) and he is very unlikely to change his mind. If he isn't willing to consider your need to be near your family and in your own culture when you have small children - which is the time when I most wanted to be near my family then he is putting himself and his needs before you and you are not a priority and he is selfish and self-absorbed. Consider escaping before it gets too complicated is my opinion....Sad to say, but true. The only thing that keeps me from leaving is that my partner is a good Dad to my daughter and I think it is better for her for us to be together at this stage of her life but it isn't easy and I feel I am living in this country under duress. My partner will not move even if it means that he would lose me and his daughter, whom he has said he will fight for custody over if I do try to leave. Go figure!!
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A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (18 February 2008):
I know what you are going through as i too live in another country,not my birth country. But unlike you I'm male and am loved,as only a woman can love her man. With us men togetherness is most cases is often more about our sexual needs,not about love. I would guess that these needs are not really being met in your relationship,if they were you wouldn't be quite as lonely even in a strange land.We can keep on giving and giving but there comes a time when you have to ask yourself, "What's in it for me"? And should I run? or stay? And only you are the one to answer those questions of what is best for you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 I agree with Namatjira and, as is often the case, with Irish49 (my hat is often off to her). This is the heart of the matter: if your relationship isn't strong enough for either of you to live in the other's country, then perhaps you should not be together. However, reality isn't always that easy. Being the son of people from different countries, having four such relationships in my family, and having been witness to some other similarly made couples, I think I can add an opinion.
First, this is more complex than it seems. The poster went to her husband's country to save the marriage. Perhaps we can assume, then, that there are deeper problems than just where the couple is to live. There were disagreements already. Maybe this is why he went to his own country?
Second, the husband made a "take it or leave it" offer. Or, if you prefer, "an offer she couldn't refuse". Either she went or she lost him. The husband would also need to love the poster enough as to stay in England. Or at least it should have been a decision they made together.
The poster accepted to go to her husband's country. That puts her at disadvantage. She gave in and now it's difficult for her to say she doesn't want to live in her husband's country. I wonder if her not wanting to be there is that she doesn't like the country, or that she doesn't like the marriage that much, and this is her way to soften the blow of wanting to go back to England. I think the poster needs a little thinking to do in this regard.
Let's suppose it's the country.
I don't think we're talking about Europe, because travelling is easy there, or any Anglo country, because they would speak English and the poster wouldn't need to learn the language. I think this country must be much poorer and very different.
If you have always lived with a certain level of comfort, or within a certain culture, you find it very, very difficult to accept certain things, and sometimes you just can't get used to them. An easy example: if you have always had electrical power, a country with frequent blackouts is terrible for you. But of course it gets more serious than this.
I knew the case of a Russian woman who came to this country and found it unbearable. First of all, because of the heat. There's no way to change that; the tropics are hot, by definition (and then there's global warming). But, above all, so many of the things she took for granted in Russia just do not exist here, and even less in the region where she went to live. The husband's family was too different from her and considered her somewhat slutty. It was too much for her and she returned to Russia. The husband, by the way, said he wouldn't go back with her.
There's a country, which I will not mention here, that we find very difficult to live in, because of the cold. A cousin of mine went to live there. Going to live there is a huge advantage for him, professionally and economically. He speaks the language fluently and he loves his girl (by the way, who wouldn't?). But, while in this country we live at 30°C, and the temperature changes very little throughout the year, the winters there often bring days with -25°C. We are used to dressing lightly and to go out anytime we want. We are talkative and informal. We are used to frequent personal contact, and the weather only rarely makes us stay home. That is not the case in this country. My cousin wanted to come back as soon as the winter came.
I suppose it's not only the weather or the culture that the poster is worried about. But if it is, perhaps there are some ways to soften the blow.
I know about another couple. The husband was smart not to say a word when the wife managed to maintain a very strong connection with her country of origin, not only with her family and friends, who she calls and e-mail regularly, but with her former employer, who is also giving her some assignments from time to time. This wife travels often to her country, and sometimes will even stay there for a month or so. For her, living in this country is not as burdensome because she is not disconnected from the world she used to know. And, should things go wrong, she would find it very easy to go back to her country and restart her life there. I think the husband was smart because he stayed out of her way and let the wife handle things the way she would want it. I'm afraid this is not the case of the poster, but perhaps she can suggest it to her husband.
But, poster, think carefully whether this relationship is really what you want.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 February 2008):
 I assume you were married in the UK? What drove your husband back to his home country? How long were you apart and how long have you been married?
~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): You are so right to hold back on having kids, you need 100% love and understanding in a marriage and you certainly havent got that right now, or you wouldnt think like that. I think you need to have a very deep and meaningful conversation with your bloke and put across to him all that you have told us. Tell him how you feel. If you are not happy in his country then please do not stay there for the sake of him. If you love each other then it should conquer all, but it isnt in your case. Why do you have to be in his country? Why not yours? If he loves you then why cant he live in your country? Think about it, you only get one life so why be this unhappy?!! You deserve to be 100% happy too, so stop trying to please him and get your own life in order. If he doesnt want to move to your country and the marriage isnt going the way you want it, then put a stop to it now. And keep away from the baby lark, you will regret it if you have kids in a foreign land and you two split up. There is little chance that you will get to have them, and worse still you may never see them again until they are over 18. Be mindful of these things.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, princess*d* +, writes (18 February 2008):
 hiya,i suggest you wait for a week and if you still feel homesick and uncomfortable then tell your husband how your feeling and if he doesnt care then you will then know that he is not the perfect man for you, and dont worry about becomming pregnant it would be a part of you so you should be proud
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): I agree with the comment that was told to you. If there is a true, deep, committed love, then where you live should not matter, as long as you are together. You've both hit a barrier here and this is big. It doesn't sound like the two of you have what it takes to make this marriage strong and far reaching. Because, your marriage has no way of working this through unless one of you compromises and makes a decision to be with the other., out of deep love and support for the other. You both are married and each of you has a long-standing loyalty to his/her home country and likely family/friends that live in these countries. This is probably something that you both have ignored or thought would change over time, with each other. This is a huge core value difference in your marriage and one of you has to make the sacrifice or this won't fly. Plain and simple.
I think it's time for you and your husband to use some personal courage, some soul-searching and be as truthfully honest with each other. This has to be a mutual, joint decision, where both of you are happy and satisfied. with the choice. My personal opinion? This marriage doesn't appear to have the solid base of love and committment to keep it afloat. If you can't reach a happy decision on this, one of you will always be unhappy and that will ultimately cause probelms. So no, do not get pregnant. Bringing a child into this shaky marriage will be the most selfish thing a couple could do. A child deserves a a happy upbringing with two happy parents. You could consider marriage counseling, but I am not sure if that could give you both...the ability to commit and love each other, in the way a marriage requires to keeping it strong. Those abilities have to come from your hearts and souls. No one can give that to you. It should have been in place, already before you made the choices to marry each other.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (18 February 2008):
You need to be secure in the relationship and happy with the country you are living in before you consider having children.
As far as the issues are concerned, have you tried seeing a relationship counsellor together? If not that is worth doing and persisting with.
Otherwise I think you have some serious thinking to do.
Good luck.
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