A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well here goes : i'm just 40 (look about 30-32-so i'm told)n seem to be having a mid-life crisis!! I've lost over 6 stone and feel great.Background: I'm married with 2 young children and a lovely caring husband who is the same age.Problem: I've been spending A LOT of time with my friends 16 year old son both at work and leisurely(not your average 16 year old-he's been thru experiences as a child that no child should ever be exposed to). It is no exaggeration to say we have spent 12-14 hours a day together, school runs, work, squash, bike rides, cooking etc. We laugh n have fun the whole time and it makes me feel young again. Now I didn't think there was much wrong in harmless boy/girl flirting (nothing more)as long as you kept to the boundaries. My friend(his mum)casually dropped into a conversation she doesn't see any problem with age gap relationships so i'm guessing she picked up on a bit of chemistry n was trying to gage my reaction! I was able to play it down.The thing is He's gone on holiday for a couple of weeks and I find myself missing his company to the point of tears in just the first few days. He does have his dads old mobile with him but his mum has forgotten to giv me the no. (she is also on holiday.) I think she is trying to see if this all cools off n of course she's right- but I can't stop the tears or feeling that i'm missing him. Help Needed: How can I make this feeling go away? I leave myself open to your advice/comments/abuse-(if u feel the need!)If any1 had told me this would be the case 6 months ago I would've laughed- and now I just feel so rediculous!There..... i've said it now-deep breath. I await your comments. x
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female
reader, lover06  +, writes (31 August 2011):
you have kids your self , put your self in your friends shoe, what would you feel and do if that was happening with your child. you'll know what you should do next...........
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): I'm probably one of the few posters that can speak from experience so here goes.When I was around 16 or 17 I fell completely in love with an older woman who was, at the time in her late 20's, married and had kids. She also fell in love with me and got a divorce(she said her marrige was pretty much over before I even entered the picture). Due to certain laws that exist, social stigma and people who would see her as a "predator" I ended the relationship. Basicly I didnt contact her for half a year during which I probably suffered from an emotional melt down cause I couldnt stand it and went temporarily insane when no one was looking. What made me end it was thinking of her, I didnt want her to ruin her career because of me, I didnt want people to find her repulsive because she was dating some one ten years younger than her; at the time I would have been just another mouth to feed and didnt want to burden her in any way. So I had to be the adult in the relationship; make the most difficult decision i have ever made and end it. Tahnkfully for you there is time to end it with minimal scarring for both parties. I'm not saying you cant be his friend but you should find other things to occupy your time and decrease the amount of time you spend with him. You could think of your husband as well, how would you feel if he was spending a ton of time with his friends teenage daughter? Anyway I hope you find your answer, right or wrong, just make sure you have no regrets. =)Sincerely, SleeplessInDallas
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 If you really care about the kid, you'll find a way to stop seeing him so much..The worse thing in the world for a male is to feel "used" so you can't let this go too far. It will warp his self-esteme and ruin his ability to have a real relationship down the road. It's good you've forseen this as a problwem rather than just let the exist. relationship evolve into something you'll BOTH be sorry for .Good on you and good luck
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (4 August 2011):
Whoops, managed to click send without finishing my answer :)
The end of the second last paragraph should read:
... the kind of relationship you have now would not stay the same if you were to try and make the relationship more than what it is now.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (4 August 2011):
Humans are designed to live in loving harmony with other humans, play together, have fun, enjoy life, be creative and spontaneous. We also have to work to create the world we want, deal with our responsibilities, and with the complexities of life.
We live in a world which is unbalanced, where we spend a far greater percentage of our energy working and fulfilling our responsibilities as adults, and not enough egaged in play, laughter, spontenaety, creativity. Your life probably reflexts this, like most of our lives, where we spend most of our hours at work, and at home we have chores and responsibilities. Our husband and wife relationships are taken up with household routines, and become regular and unspontaneous. You love your husband, but you fall into tedious patterns, and the fun part of your life is neglected.
Then, you find yourself spending lots of your time with a young man. He is young and has a youthful disposition, he doesn't have the same responsibilities as you do. He becomes an outlet for the part of your life that is being neglected, the fun part, where you can joke, laugh, be young and spontaneous, and this is also the part of us that forms connections and love. You can see that in this way, it would become natural for you to form loving feelings towards him. If he is attractive to you physically, you might also generate feelings of attraction and sexual desire, which is normal too.
It is good for us to form loving connections with other people. We should try and form loving, playful, spontaneous, creative relationships with as many people as we can in our lives. However, this can be disastrous for us in certain circumstances. For example, if we haven't created a loving, fun, playful relationship with our partners, and we form them with other people outside of our primary relationships, it can put tremendous pressure on our relationships, and on ourselves internally where we question what we should do, whether or not we are in the right relationship, etc. For this reason, it is important that we consciously spend time and energy creating a fun, loving, playful relationship with our partners.
The other disastrous circumstance is if we cannot distinguish between a loving, fun, playful connection and a sexual one. This can happen if we aren't fulfilled in our sexual lives, but it can just as easily happen if we aren't fulfilled in our emotional lives due to a lack of fun, play, and creativity in the rest of our lives. It can also happen if we also haven't had enough experience of sex, love and relationships to be able to tell the difference between them all, and how they relate emotionally.
Whilst you have a great connection with this young man, it would be a mistake to think that you could form a great relationship with him in an adult sense, like the one you have with your husband. Apart from the fact that you are married and he is still a child and not yet mature enough emotionally for a sexual relationship, the kind of relationship you have now would not stay the same if yo
It is lovely for you that you have found a relationship that makes you feel young, that you have a lot of fun in and can laugh and play. However, it is also hard, in that it shows you what you haven't created in your relationship with your husband, and what you are missing, and what you need to be able to create if you are going to have a fulfilling relationship with your husband. I know it is hard to find the time to do this with your husband, you probably don't have as much time with him, and you both have adult lives and adult responsibilities, but you need to set aside as much time as you can do do things together that you can have fun doing. You might need to help your husband remember how to have fun, a lot of adults forget what comes naturally to us as kids.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (3 August 2011):
 This not a good thing. At 16 I could understand he would think about you and fantasize about you in his thoughts. That is normal for a young boy/man growing up. Been there myself. But they are all part of growing up and starting to be attracted to girls, masturbating and dating.
You would be wrong to persue anything here, simply because you are married and he is your friend's son and the age difference and developement is so far apart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your helpful responses. They are pretty much as I expected and completely right. But I had to get it all out of me & see the responses in black & white so I cud make the right choices if that makes sense!
I will put distance between us. I will put distance between us. I will put distance between us. I will put distance between us!!!!!!!!
Head rules NOT heart! Watch this space for an update.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (3 August 2011):
 But you are married. You have a husband and family. Please don't throw this away. The 16 year old obviously enjoys your company and probably gets excited when he is with you. But please try not to encourage things anymore. It would be best to see him less often and gradually begin to pull away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): "i'm just 40 (look about 30-32-so i'm told)n seem to be having a mid-life crisis!"
Trust me, people in that age group and younger would not mistake you for being their age!
"My friend(his mum)casually dropped into a conversation she doesn't see any problem with age gap relationships so i'm guessing she picked up on a bit of chemistry n was trying to gage my reaction! I was able to play it down"
I'm very confident she was NOT referring to her 40 year old married friend preying on her son!
Sure a 16 yr old boy is hormonal and very vulnerable but you have lost your marbles if you think exploiting this and ruining your marriage and friendship over it, much less thinking the mother finds it permissible!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): This could only ever end in tears. Do yourself a favour and wean yourself off this boy. Go cold turkey, it's the only way.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (3 August 2011):
 You are married. He is 32 years younger than you - not much more than a child. Frankly, it astounds me that you could possibly think there's not much harm in boy/girl flirting, even keeping to the boundaries!
You're not a girl, but a grown woman. Maybe an attractive one, (and kudos for dropping the weight). I know a "crush" can occur, but surely you know better than to indulge it, even a little bit, by spending SO much time with this boy?
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt by recognizing that since he has apparently gone through some very bad experiences in his young life, you wanted to be supportive. But, you know, that's one thing: you have to temper it with common sense, mature judgment, not to mention the fact that you have a "lovely, caring husband."
I urge you to get a grip and take this opportunity now that the boy is away, with his mother for a while to have the resolve to do the right thing, and knock it off!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): What if your husband was spending this much time with a 16 y/o girl? You would find his behavior, repulsive, disrespectful and creepy. Get a hold of yourself and stop this behavior at once. Don't ruin your marriage, your life or your social status.......think before you do anything stupid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): WHEN are u going to relaise that this BOY is a mere child, a child old enough to be your own??your mere presence in his life is destructive and it WILL destroy not only your marriage but this kids childhood.losing so much of weight now makes u feel desirable and wanted, BUT please, not with this kid. if you do have an itch to scratch then do it with someone else.so ask yourself what role model you are to your own kids. Can u imagine a cougar making sexual moves towards your own 16 year old?? this kids mother is crazy to even encourage your "relationship" with her son. she needs to understand what her role as a mother is and perhaps someone needs to tell her that she needs to PROTECT her child.you are going to destroy many lives if u keep up this nonsense. are u prepared for the aftermath of this mess??LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Quite simple - stop spending time with him. You are obviously going through some changes at the moment, and with your new weight loss it will be quite addictive feeling young and attractive again, especially with the attention this young boy is giving you.
You have to realise that you dont want to be with the boy - it is purely the attention you find so addictive and this is why you are so upset now he is away for a week - your source of fun and flattery has gone away and you are missing it.
All you have to do to resolve the situation is turn your attention away from this boy and back to your husband. I'm sure he is incredibly proud of you for losing the weight and thinks you look amazing - why not let him show you how amazing he thinks you look?!
You listed lots of activities that you do with this boy that are fun and make you feel young again - you can do all these things easily with your husband. Cook together, play squash together, go for bike rides....these are all things that you can do with your husband.
If you have to see the boy at work then fine, but leave it at that - make sure it is nothing more than a professional relationship. NEVER see him alone outside of work, fair enough if you are visiting your friend and he happens to be there, but nothing more than that.
And please dont give me any excuses about your husband working too much, or the kids being around etc to do any of those activities - part of being married is taking the time to make it work and putting time aside for activities, just the two of you. So if you do feel like he doesnt have enough time for you - then tell him how you feel! Rather than seeking attention from other men, seek attention from your husband, and if he is not giving you enough then sit down with him and tell him how you feel.
Marriages take a lot of work, so be prepared to put a lot of time and effort in getting yours back on track, and make sure your husband understands the situation (not about the boy though) so he is willing to put the effort into it too. As soon as your marriage is back on track you will forget about the boy and one day you will look back and laugh at your silly crush on this child.
I hope this helps and good luck!
And
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Knock off this nonsense immediately. Get a grip on yourself and leave this kid alone. Stay busy with your bike riding, work, squash, and cooking, but do it without your little boy toy. Out of sight, out of mind.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Whatever his age is, that's not the first obstacle here. You are married. You're taken. Unavailable.
So you either stay married and forget about this kid, or you divorce and only then begin to tackle the issues considering age difference and whether or not he actually likes you back. But that's second priority. Before you can even think of being with him you must be free for the taking, and you aren't.
After going through divorce do you really think this 16 year old would be worth all the struggle? Do you think he'd have a chance at supporting you through life crisis, such as a divorce?
Risks are too high that it'd never work, even if you were single and even if he liked you back. Teenagers change, they outgrow things, and then no matter what experience he's gone though his genes prevent him from developing faster. If he's experience a lot already he will more likely be traumatized and in need for counseling, than he will have "learned and overcome" life issues. In effect I believe you have become his form of therapy, and he will be in no position to comfort you back should you need it. He doesn't have the economy or the rest of his life settled to deal with a grown up relationship either.
But like I said, that's all secondary worries. First worry is that you are married, and you need to choose whether or not you should stay married, without factoring this 16 year old into the equation. See your marriage for what it is, and if it is worth fighting for and keep the promises you made to your husband. Does your husband deserve to be divorced?
I think the rational option here is to save yourself from divorce, potential financial ruin and emotional turmoil, and possible humiliation and rejection. Cut the contact. Spend less time with this boy. Don't call him even if tempted. See him with others present. Don't completely cut him off as that'd cause suspicion, but let him slowly drift away from you. Remind yourself of who you are and who he is, and ignore him. Put space between him and you. Then start spending your hours doing something else (how did you get time to spend 14 hours a day with him anyway??). If you have a lot of time on your hands, use it for something else than mope around missing him. Get a new friend. Get a dog. Start redecorating, or do garden work, whatever it takes to keep you busy and limit your time-availability.
It'll pass! Crushes aren't life long, they pass and fade away as soon as you stop nurturing them.
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