A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm very interested to know from men how they perceive this man's logic, but also to hear in general from anybody his/her thoughts on this.The other day I spoke with my one year bf and he told me about his ex's. I asked him if he was cheating on the last one (that was a 5 years relationship which didn't function quite from the beginning) and he first said no. Then he asked - what is considered cheating? Then he said that he was with his previous gf 3 times while in this new relationship. I got the impression that he is not considering it cheating. This new relationship wasn't functioning, they would have a fight and he would go with his friends out, drink and accidentally bump into his ex and finish in bed. Then there was a one night stand with some other girl and for that one he felt guilty as there was no fight prior to it with his gf, he had no reason to do it. He also said that his gf was also cheating on him, so they were equal.He also said that he considers cheating maintaining emotional relationship with someone else and sexual intercourse is just an adventure. And that, if he would ever do it, he would make sure - out of respect for his partner - that no one finds out about it.I became a little sad while he was telling all this and he reassured me that our relationship is not like that - we never had major misunderstanding, we are doing fine, he was telling me before that he never had relationship like this, that he can be so open, normal, natural etc. We are planning our future together.But, I'm left with insecurity - if his ethics are like this that there is an option to have sexual intercourse with someone else if he has a reason (misunderstanding, fight, desire for adventure etc.), then in due course of time, and it might well happen throughout the years, when I get, for example, into some bad period and maybe I will not be able to be a giver and we have some misunderstanding, for him it will be normal to have sex with someone else.I'm not sure I'm ok with that, at the same time it is stupid to make an issue of something that didn't happen, we were just speaking in theory.What do you think?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Sorry I disagree with his definition. I define cheating as ANYTHING you can't won't or DON'T tell your partner...
secrets are what kill relationships....
granted I would be inclined to accept a NSA sexual contact with someone way faster than I would an emotional relationship with someone else but then my view of sex tends to be that of the late 60s and 70s free love movement
THAT being said, YOU and your partner need to come up with a definition of what is cheating in YOUR relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): If you say so...but I've never seen more red flags. Good luck...and be careful!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo we spoke about it and I'm convinced he is honest - he said that that relationship was complete mess, wrong (I know it was) and that cheating was also wrong as everything else and that our relationship can't be compared in any way to it. He was really honest and I do trust him. I had no objection to his behavior or the way he treats me other than this conversation which switched on red alarm.
Thank you all for responding and giving different points of view. It helped me to formulate my fears, get some clear thoughts and initiate open conversation.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 "He also said that he considers cheating maintaining emotional relationship with someone else and sexual intercourse is just an adventure"
The general consensus is that sexual adventure of any sort with anyone but your partner is cheating. He can define it otherwise if he pleases, but that's not what the general consensus is...
He's a cheater who doesn't even take blame for it! Bad sign... So what, if you have a fight that's suppose to excuse him shagging someone else? Good thing then if you never fight, not so great if you, like any other couple, have your disputes and you can't trust your man to keep it in his pants. That's like a threat then: "if you fight with me I'll be justified in cheating on you".
Are you sure you want to be planning a future with a man who's moral is like this? At least have a solid conversation with him and explain that while FIGHTS are a part of relationship and will happen from time to other, CHEATING (in the normal understanding of it= sex with someone else) isn't acceptable, and is in fact a deal breaker.
I don't think I'd want to be with this man if I was you though, to be honest. He even said if he cheated he'd hide it so the partner wouldn't find out "out of respect"? That is complete bullocks. If he respected the partner he'd not cheat in the first place, and second of if he had respect he'd leave the partner, not pull the wool over her eyes.
This is, sadly, all you can expect of him now. And if you later on find out he's cheated on you you can't exactly complain as he himself has given you a fair warning. Maybe this bloke just isn't worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Sounds like a guy who can justify just about anything he does, and not call a spade a spade.
"He also said that he considers cheating maintaining emotional relationship with someone else and sexual intercourse is just an adventure. And that, if he would ever do it, he would make sure - out of respect for his partner - that no one finds out about it."
He's told you exactly what he thinks about relationships that are sexual, and you are insecure.
If this isn't your ethical makeup, then run for the hills, because you are in for one hell of a relationship long term.
People cheat who would never even imagine doing it, because of depression, rejection, grief, anger, etc, and they consider it cheating. This guy considers it not cheating as long as you don't find out about it, and considers it an adventure.
He will cheat, and probably already has, in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): It sounds to me like "what they don't know won't hurt them" is his philosophy. Could be trouble ahead.
I don't know if you wanna dump him over his stated outlook like this. But you deserve to hear him say he won't be doing those things to you at the very least. He should realize that his outlook excuses behavior that the vast majority of normal people (including YOU) would think is cheating.
And watch him very carefully.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Yes, it's a double standard and he's also told you he will have sex and not consider it cheating. I guess you could be pleased he's open with you because you can get out now and spare yourself all the hurt, betrayal and drama that is in store for you! Your boyfriend is not sharing from the bottom of his heart...he's telling you he won't be faithful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he is open with me as I'm having a lot of understanding for him. He said he wouldn't be able to speak open like that with his ex (5 years one) because she was so jealous and with me he can be open.
I still can understand the mentality behind these statements, but they are definitely very selfish. In other discussion he said that if the girl would cheat on a man that would be hardly acceptable. Double standards, eh?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Getting in a fight does not justify cheating. He was in a committed relationship with this 5 year girl, so yes...it was cheating.
Sorry, but I would definitely leave him. He is basically telling you that not only does he intend to cheat if you get in a disagreement (which WILL happen at some point in any relationship), but he doesn't even consider sex to be cheating...its just an "adventure".
I would fully expect this guy to cheat on you. total red flag. if you cant live with that, you need to get out now. Good thing he is at least being honest with you tho.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Cheating is using dishonesty or coersion to achieve or obtain what we would would not (or believe we would not) have achieved or obtained by being honest.
If your ex had been frank about his sexual philosophy and made it clear to the women in his life that he'd be sleeping with others and they were fine with it, then technically he was not cheating.
If he withheld that information believing it would jeopardize his chances with them, then yes, technically it was cheating.
Most men (and women), in my experience, would not agree with him, so you can put your mind at ease.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (3 August 2011):
That sure is a complicated definition of what cheating is.
Cheating is pretty simple, isn't it? If you are in a relationship with someone, and you have an agreement that you are exclusive with each other, then if you go and sleep with someone else, you are cheating.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit of a cocky idiot. Either he hasn't been hurt by a girl before, or he is emotionally retarted to not have the capacity of empathy and putting himself in someone elses shoes.
What stops him from justifying cheating on you if he thought the relationship wasn't working out, or if he thought you were cheating on him? Sounds a bit of a nightmare to me.
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