A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was transfered 2 work from a different twon for 6months leaving my husband i got involved with a man whom we even had sex, my husband got 2 find out everthng.its being 2yearz bt he talks lyk it jst happend,i hav no say n the house now its 2much he comes midnite if i askhe remindz me of my affair.what shuld i do?pack my bags nd leave or the heat wi cool help .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): I was listening to a sexologist on radio today: the topic related to affairs. She advised cheaters to be sensitive to their cheated partners and for them to allow their cheated partner all the time in the world to work through the betrayal.
I also agree that the OPs attitude is a bit of concern. She shows no remorse, no guilt and no compassion for her wrongdoing.
How do u expect your hb to deal with your betrayal? Whether 2 years later or 20 years later, trust is very fragile and needs to be earned.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Two years is nothing after such a betrayal.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I'm going to go out on a limb and say just seeing the short cuts and the bad spelling you used in this post makes me think you are really mad at him for getting caught.
Like you want to tell him, "So what, it was nothing to me, a one night stand, get over it already"
That attitude is why your wise man (and I'm sure you know he's smart, that's why you liked him right?) is still on to you. You sound like you have no guilt about this, you do not feel his pain, this makes you still sitting in the guilty box waiting for a verdict. I suggest you feel his pain fully.
You have to understand his pain, not your inconvenience.
There is alot to learn here, especially about your ability to be so aloof about things of the heart. Maybe your heart is a stoney cold river from something you've been hiding that goes deeper than any mans penis ever could.
I say you dive into that cold river and drown in your guilt because when you come up for air, you'll probably find a relief from a past event that tied a rock on your ankle years ago.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You cheated. It's that simple. He is obviously the type who cannot forgive or forget that happened. And honestly, he has every right to remind you of it. You decided your marriage was worth losing when you slept with the other man. Look at it from his point of view. Would you have been upset if it was him who had cheated? I would leave because it probably won't get any better and he probably will never trust you again.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 March 2011):
Yes. You should leave him for the sake of you two. Trust can't be repaired. He will never forget and he will always hold this on your head.There is some people who actually get to forgive an affair. But almost no one is able to forget. In your particular case, your boyfriend didn't even forgive you. So, there is no much hope there. You better learn this lesson for your next relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Once the trust has gone, it's difficult to repair, I bet your husband is still hurting everytime he looks at you, you either talk about it and get everything out in the open and move on with your relationship and try to build the trust again or leave it, after a while everything becomes poison if you're both prepared not to face the reasons why you had sex with another man.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 With the cheating you have destroyed his trust and he has not forgiven you for your betrayel. For many an infidelity is a deal breaker and he no longers see you as the wife he married but as the women who cheated. Talk to him, love him and gain his trust. He has no right to mistreat you so you need to clear this out, but you have to gain everything else back. I really hope your relationship can survive this turmoil!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Seeing as you are the one who betrayed his trust, you're going to have to deal with it. He's likely to still be hurt, especially if you haven't made any significant effort to acknowledge it. "It's in the past" is not enough. You need to show him that the past will not be repeated.
Facebook is horrible for this. Everyone puts everyone they know as friends, regardless of how well they know those other people. And with your indiscretion, every guy on that list that he doesn't know will only make him more suspicious that you might have, or might be having sex with one on them. If you are friends enough with any of these people to keep them on your friends list, then I would advise introducing him to them. Make sure that your husband is around any time you go out with any guys. That way, you're displaying to everyone else that you are taken, and you're giving your husband the opportunity to assess them for himself.
I think it's a given at this point not to take any trips (business or otherwise) without him. Also, if you have to interact with the guy you slept with for work, expect making things better to be long and hard. And if you are talking to this guy outside of work, forget about your husband ever trusting you again.
With time, your husband should begin to see that you are behaving in a trustworthy way. He might even become comfortable with a couple of your guy-friends enough to be okay with you hanging out without him. And if he doesn't, despite you working on it, then he doesn't want it fixed and it'll never be worth it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 March 2011):
 He hasn't forgiven you, and it's turning the relationship into a disfunctional one. That's not good. You two need to seek some counseling or consider a divorce.
You made a mistake, but in order for your relationship to survive, it has to be put in the past. Your bad behavior in the past doesn't excuse his bad behavior now. And that line of thinking is very destructive to a relationship.
You have two options, actually work THROUGH the problems you two are facing, or leave the relationship. This will not blow over or go away without effort from BOTH of you.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (9 March 2011):
 You may have come to terms with having the affair, but he still feels a lack of trust and probably compares himself to the other man (wondering why he pales in comparison). He has a lot of unanswered questions. So, if you want to stay with him, then reassure him and help him regain trust in you. Example: Talk to him openly about the reasons that lead up to why you cheated. Avoid high emotion during your explanations and speak simply with him, (whats done is done). More importantly, tell him how you'll avoid temptation in the future. Both of you can come up with a plan; ideas on how you two can strengthen your relationship to ensure affairs won't happen in the future. The planning and making goals will hopefully give him the trust he needs to be comfortable with you again. Good luck.
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