A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why do women lose interest in sex after being in a relationship for a while? Maybe this Isn't the case with all women, but it seems to be like a continuously notorious pattern in my relationships. Women lose interest in sex but I still want it. But the women just never want to. Any thoughts/opinions on why this might be? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): To little information about how you are at sex, be spontaneous and erotic
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 I do appreciate the statement from jls022. I appreciate it for its honesty and because it finally approaches the OP's question: "Why do women lose interest in sex after being in a relationship for a while?"
You mention: "low drive; trying and failing to get my mojo back for months; dreading the thought of having sex with them; each sexual encounter chipping away at my happiness and self-worth; duty sex is not fun or sexy."
This discussion isn't about me, nor is it about your particular experience for which I have sympathy. I have taken on this string as devil's advocate to try and elicit less polarised responses from women who seem to be shifting the blame entirely on men.
Men may be guilty of failing to understand. That isn't entirely their fault. However the shift from bedroom seductress to unwilling participant seems to lie with females if what you say is right. A little more education seems to be the way forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): "'If men were to demand you act more like a whore in the bedroom or they will ignore you, then how would that be?"
Like having sex with most men I have ever met. But only with him though otherwise you are damaged goods.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): Haha denizen 50 shades of grey is better than 90% of sex I've ever had with a man so that doesn't sound too bad. And ironically, that book sums up the difference between men and women so well. Men think women like it cause they're into the idea of being dominated and all this kinky stuff. Women actually like it because the main guy is a good looking, successful man who could have his pick of women yet he is completely and utterly devoted to the main woman from beginning to end. No porn, no other women, he makes her feel like he desires only her, always. That's the dream not the bloody whips and chains! Which is exactly what we've all been saying all along really isn't it...
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (31 August 2017):
'You are saying listen to us or you won't get good or regular sex anymore.'
Yes that's exactly what I'm saying, but not because I view sex as a commodity or a bargaining chip. I'm saying it because it's the only way to ensure a long term fulfilling sex life.
The last poster is bang on the money. Men often approach this problem by saying 'but she should want to to please me' or 'if she loved me she'd want to'. I'd honestly love it if it were as simple as that! But it's not.
Denizen women are absolutely aware that there are two sides to this. We have it drummed into us from we're young that if we don't put out he might stray.
But actually that pressure is part of the problem, because when our sex drive does dip slightly we feel an immediate pressure to just 'do it anyway' because men have needs, and that pressure can kill desire quickly if it goes on for a while. In my case, by the time sex actually started dropping off with my ex, I'd already been trying and failing to get my mojo back for months with no appreciation or acknowledgement that he should also make an effort to change thingst. No, he made it clear it was my problem and one I was expected to fix alone. And the worst thing? I believed that at the time. I believed there was something wrong with me. It's only in hindsight, without the blinkers of love that I can see why it was happening at all - because my needs were secondary to his in his mind. And when I found out I wasn't the only woman who felt this way, it was a relief.
Seriously, I don't know one woman that hasn't continued to have sex for her partners' benefit. And I don't just mean 'taking one for the team' when they are not in the mood one day. I mean 'my drive is so low right now I'd literally rather do anything but this, but if I don't you might cheat/leave me' sex.
Men don't tend to understand that concept - being in love with someone but dreading the thought of having sex with them. But it happens to women more than you know, because we work differently to you! Do you think I wanted to feel that way in my relationship? A constant battle between his needs and my own? Each sexual encounter chipping away at my happiness and self-worth because I was overriding my base instinct to say no? I'd have given anything to change it. But the more I gave the worse it got because it wasn't genuine.
I tried for two years to meet his needs at the expense of my own, assuming that it was just a slump or he'd eventually appreciate the effort and that might inspire him to meet my needs more like I'd been asking him to. Wrong! He took me more for granted than ever before, because the sex wasn't good enough. By the time that relationship ended, I felt like a worn out failure, emotionally alone and with a full-blown sex aversion.
So no, I'm not suggesting that women should ignore their partners' needs. I'm saying that asking us to continually meet them to the detriment of our own emotional needs will not benefit anyone in the long run. Duty sex is not fun or sexy, and in my experience isn't what men want either. Which means the only option is to ensure both parties WANT to have sex. And that's what we're trying to help the OP (and you) with. Because as much a we all wish it would, the idea that 'if she loves him she should want to' ain't going to solve this problem long term.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): Such heartfelt and true responses from the ladies here, and it is strangely reassuring to see the menfolks still baulk in horror at the realisation getting sex will never be easy for them!
I am in my late seventies now and this is an argument as old as time and one that there will never be agreement on. However I will say this. As soon as anything becomes a duty or obligation in a partnership it is already over. These ladies are giving you excellent advice on how to make your wives actually want to have regular sex with you. Because believe me on this, your protests that she should want to simply because she married you will not work. As nice as that would be, the female libido is different and more fragile than the male libido and it does require more nurturing to keep it thriving.
As someone about to celebrate my 60th wedding anniversary, I can assure you we would not have made it if my husband did not realise that my emotional needs are just as important as his sexual needs. He has courted me every day for 62 years and I him, and our desire and love for each other has never faded.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (31 August 2017):
Sorry but I have to return to you detractors. Can you not see what you are doing? You are saying listen to us or you won't get good or regular sex anymore.
You make sex like a commodity that won't be available to men if they aren't behaving in a certain way. What about you?
Turn this argument around and you may see how self-entitled it makes you seem.
Men may be drifting away from you because of your attitude. If men were to demand you act more like a whore in the bedroom or they will ignore you, then how would that be?
What I am asking for is a little more honesty from the women who have written in here. I would like them now to accept that there are two sides to this. If they can't then your sex lives are likely to become stale and unpalatable. Their mates may even look elsewhere. You have to accept some responsibility. If you don't you condemn yourself to a mug of cocoa and Fifty Shades.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): I have to agree . Women do t just start losing interest in sex unless something or usually someone is making us feel pretty unsexy . Unfortunately with these modern days of fast internet porn and women being treated expendable sex toys many men have a knack for making women feel pretty deisposble and not unique or important . The fact is that men start off treating us as if they care about us and we are special then usually end up treating us like we are just holes to be used whilst they dream of every other pissibilty they dream off . Men simply do not value women and women begin to feel it after a while
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): If a woman ever loses interest in sex, it is mostly always the man's fault.
Sorry, guys.
It's just the truth.
Change yourself and/or your behaviour and you will see a big difference in how a woman reacts to you.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 August 2017):
I'm afraid I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you on that Denizen. Sure there might be some women who have low sex drives but pretend to be interested to hook a man - I mean many people pretend to be something they are not at the beginning of a relationship so that wouldn't surprise me. But honestly, I believe such women are in the minority.
Most women here are telling you that there is a direct correlation between how special they are made to feel and how high their desire is. I personally believe that's a more likely reason for a decline in desire (aside from the natural decline that happens in all relationships due to the novelty wearing off) than women collectively deciding we just 'don't like it anymore', but you're entitled to your beliefs.
I'd also suggest that any man who wants a long-lasting sex life would do well to listen to advice from women who have experienced it rather than dismissing it as self-delusion, but again it's entirely up to you what you choose to do with it.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 August 2017):
Well Anonymous 123 the answer to the question directed at me is, 'Yes', unequivocally. But we aren't talking about me.
What I was trying to direct your attention to, on behalf of the OP, was the change in attitude towards how women engage in sex from the start of a relationship to some time later on.
And to jls022 I used the term, 'in denial', because so many of the women who posted on this subject fail to acknowledge the change they want and expect to be manifested in sexual relations in mid to long-term relationships.
You know it's true.
Either they were faking it at the start, or they enjoyed the initial steamy intimacy but then decided they didn't.
And importantly the fact that so many women put the blame entirely on their men for the lack of satisfying sex means there is no dialogue. They drive their male partners away. It doesn't serve women well to adopt this position. I would hope for something better.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 August 2017):
 I'm not going to get into this epistemic debate but I'll try to answer your question.
Women lose interest in sex because you're not giving them what they want. Do you know how a woman orgasms? Do you allow her the pleasure of having one each time that you have sex? Do you pleasure her in different ways or is it just about you? Do you cuddle, kiss, make an effort to look good, shave, dress well, smell nice? Every small thing matters you know
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 August 2017):
Denial in what way Denizen? I can only speak for myself but everything I've here sums up exactly how I feel...
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 August 2017):
I think the women who have posted here are in denial. A little more honesty would be welcome.
As Len Deighton wrote in London Match: "The tragedy of marriage is that while all women marry thinking that their man will change, all men marry believing their wife will never change".
And Einstein capped by saying, "Both are disappointed".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): It doesn't take too much to rouse the sisterhood does it. I think you missed the key ingredient. In the beginning of a relationship you want to engage in sex any which way.
Let's not forget you are getting hugs and cuddles as well. You are getting all the tenderness we can give you. You get the flowers for no reason except to say I love you. We leave you little messages and loving texts.
But men often no longer get the carnal engagement we enjoyed at the beginning of a relationship. It seems like a loss-leader you hand out to reel us in.
We are then relegated to pushing the supermarket trolley and household chores.
Just wake up to how you actually behave with your men. Come on! Be honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Omg the women here ROCK!!!!
For the first time ever I'm hearing women really tell it how it is !
Men !!! start looking at where your sexual attention is going before accusing us of not wanting sex
I've said it before and I'll say it again , for many women feeling desired is as necessary as an erection is to a man !!
Our emotional needs are important !!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): I completely back every chick on here, but I'm sure it will likely go in one eye and out the other with a lot of make readers. Over time, or actually rather quickly, it's no longer about bonding or meeting both needs and it becomes an obligation or chore to keep the man fkd. There's this messed up view that male sexually is something that must be tended to, and women are to meet those needs with no regard to her own. I went through this with my last bf. I was in the mood a lot when we first got together. He tended to my needs and I felt a connection when we did it. But flirting throughout the day faded and the willingness to provide quickies and oral to accommodate his higher drive became abused only to find that despite my efforts to meet his needs, he still lusted for tons of other women and jerked off constantly to them etc. My attempts to explain to him my need for foreplay backlashed. Rather then getting along more or being more affectionate, his idea was to go down on me before hand. That don't work, that's like insisting I get off in the first three minutes so that you can pump yours out and be done. I asked for foreplay and this is what I got. For real I didn't even care about getting off. I just didn't want to feel like I'm giving myself to someone simply to avoid getting cheated on and wanted to know that it was both our sex life, not just an obligation women have for them. When he would be in the mood for longer sessions it was always one sided. "dress up for me" do this do that, but because I'm the woman, my desires and needs went unmet. Eventually I just didn't even want it anymore with him and found that rubbing my own out felt less degrading. It's hard to convince your girl that she's desired and beautiful when that's likely how you feel about every other girl in her prime and she realizes that. But at the same time, feeling that way turns us on more then anything else. Do you have any clue how crappy sex lives can often be for us ladies? It's all give and sacrifice. I wake up, shave from the neck down, style my hair and face, do the whole nine yards only to find you like the end results in the chick at Burger King moreso and will probably pretend I'm her when you bang me. This is society! This is what us women hear, read, see, etc all day everyday. It's a turn off. I can understand rubbing one out in the shower if your drive is way higher then your girl's, I don't understand the need for downloading a hundred clips of unrealistic looking girls getting railed in the rear while the gf is at work etc. Somewhere along the way, men lost their appreciation for a healthy two sided sex life and we sense that. Women are now loosing their enthusiasm . It cracks me up to hear guys say they often want hassle free sex but don't grasp where it's a hassle for a chick to put out when she's completely turned off. I tried putting out when I wasn't in the mood for my ex but unless I acted like a porn star having the best quickie in my life and put on a show all the time for his pleasure it wasn't good enough. It's just all really one sided. It's no longer s couples thing or way of bonding but rather a chore for the guys benefit.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 August 2017):
Couldn't agree with Cindy more! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): The women here have done an awesome job explaining
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 August 2017):
 Anon male reader : ..and some times you just need food, right ? because you are hungry. You just need to fill your stomach, with no distraction, no conversation, no social niceties... You just need to stop the unpleasant stimulus of hunger.
Reason for which, - you'll come to my place and rummage through my fridge without even a " by your leave "... or sit to partake of what I have prepared, without a " hi, how your day was " or " thank you for dinner " or " mmmh, this soup is good "...you won't care if for me it's not dinner time yet, or if I had other plans for the night than attending to your food needs.... you'll just eat, fill up your clamouring stomach , and leave the moment you are satisfied.
No you won't. You might do it once- but surely you won't be called back, or admitted in, for a second.
Why ? Simple. Because there's two of us, and whenever there's an interaction, alas you can't simply get and do the f..k you want the moment you want the way you want. You may have very real, legitimate needs - but they are no more real, no more legitimate, no more important than MY needs.
If your need for a quick , uncomplicated physical release happens to clash with my biological ,psychological and emotional need... too bad , and, if you can't at least compromise and make adjustments, then no dice. Because your wants and needs have not got more value than mine. And not realizing this is half naive and half boorish.
If you want simple, uncomplicated , low maintenance sex, custom tailored on your personal moods - there's always masturbation . It corresponds exactly to your no frills, no hassle, testosterone- based sex. And, as Woody Allen said , " it's sex with someone you love":)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): "It's all very well deferring to the various susceptibilities of a woman's hormonal palette"
Genuine question - as opposed to what? What is the alternative? Because the only one I can think of is you're asking women to 'just do it' without wanting to. Which we actually do as it happens, just maybe not as much as you'd like! However consistently having sex we don't want leads to, you guessed it, a dislike of or even aversion to sex. The exact thing the OP has asked to help him avoid in his relationships...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Ok let's flip this around:
"Boys just need to realise the flood of estrogen we hold back so as not to inconvenience you. Sometimes we just need an uncomplicated hug, without hearing things like: but I've got a boner now; I'm horny; you can't just leave me hanging; just play with it for a while; can't you just get me off even if you don't want to; you're a tease or simply I want sex.
I don't think there's a heterosexual woman alive that won't find something to agree with in there. Sometimes I'm tired of being understanding. How did it come to this?"
Quick question - why is your need for sex more important than my need for affection? Both are recognised needs and both are usually the domain of a committed partner, so why should one be more important than the other?
See, it's a sad fact that, as human beings, we all have needs and desires that we would like other humans to meet for us. It's also a fact that said people don't have to meet those needs just because we want them to.
We have 2 options for dealing with that reality:
1. Berate and complain about the people that don't do what we want in the hope they will change (spoiler alert: they won't)
2. Attempt to understand them and meet their needs so they might be willing to do the same in return (spoiler alert: they might)
One thing is for absolutely sure though. If having regular sex with a woman is important to you, you'd better damn well learn to be more 'understanding' of women's needs because it's the only chance you have of keeping one interested long term.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Well you can listen to another man whine about the fact this happens sometimes or you can listen to all the women here telling you the reasons WHY they lose their sexual desire . It's your call really
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): I have some sympathy for you OP. At the beginning of a relationship women seem to say come on in - don't bother to wipe your boots. This changes. The original carnal lust both enjoyed has to be exchanged for coaxing, persuading, timing, and various other devices to get our male legs over.
It's all very well deferring to the various susceptibilities of a woman's hormonal palette. Girls you just have to realise the flood of testosterone we hold back so as not to inconvenience you.
Sometimes we really need uncomplicated sex and not and excuse like: the neighbours will hear; it's too hot; it's too cold; I'm tired; it's too early; it's too late; pretending to sleep; backache; headache; too full; too hungry; not now, later; mud pack; you're too drunk; you'll wake the children; or simply not in the mood.
I don't believe there is a heterosexual male who won't find something to agree with in there. Sometimes I'm tired of being understanding. How did it ever come to this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): Your clue is here:
I still want SEX but the women don't.
Women want you to want US not an orgasm. I hear so many men complaining that sex is part of a normal healthy relationship, yet at the same time think it's ok for all the romance and sweet talk etc to disappear once they have their woman because it's not sustainable or natural. Or they only do that stuff to get sex, like a dog who rolls over then demands his treat. Here's a hint: if you agree it would be unfair for a woman to 'mis-sell' herself by pretending to be into sex to get you; don't do the same to a woman with romance and affection!! It's the same thing.
Any time I've ever gone off sex it's been for this exact reason, paired with the fact men today seem to direct all of their sexual energy towards porn stars and young in-shape women on the street, giving the reason that men need variety. I even had an ex who went into the bathroom to watch porn to get hard then tried to come out and have sex with me!! The really sad thing is, loads of my guy friends didn't see anything wrong with that. I mean he just wanted to get hard right? Men just need to spice things up sometimes, but he's still sleeping with you and that's what matters.
Really? Doesn't it matter that you've hurt my feelings and damaged my self esteem? Doesn't it bother you that this sort of behaviour is going to erode my sex drive, the very thing you'll complain about in a few months or years time? Because it should.
Men on here talk a lot about how they are wired, with very little regard for how women are wired. We NEED to feel desired. We are the chasees, you are the chasers. That's how it's always been. If you need to see other women naked to get turned on enough to sleep with us, why the hell should or would we give our bodies to you?! Would you be happy if your gf looked at photos of other guys dicks in bed with you to turn herself on more?! I don't think so! And we wouldn't because we know the male ego is fragile. Yet the female ego is dismissed and we're told to get over it and accept how men are. The problem with that approach boys, is that it won't give you the long-lasting sex life you are looking for! It's your choice.
The bottom line is this fellas. Men offering us sex are a dime a dozen for most women. We need all of that other stuff to realise you're the one special enough to give it to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2017): Last poster hit it on the head.
You never stop doing what you did at the beginning of the relationship and the sex does not drop off.
A man starts to take a woman for granted after he is with her awhile (he already has her) and although he may still want sex, she feels unappreciated and not loved like in the beginning. A man needs to always pay attention to a woman. And not drop the ball. Women like and NEED attention. And they need a consistent connection. If a man stops communicating, if he starts spending more time away from her doing his own thing or meeting up with friends, she is going to become distant too. If he does not open up to her emotionally and show her his vulnerability, she will eventually back off. She does not want to invest her feelings in a man who is not equally committed to her. All these things add up. And the resentment starts to build and she pushes away. And then he does the same to her thinking she is no longer interested. When in fact a woman who distances herself emotionally from a man is taking her cue from the man himself. He is usually doing something which causes her to distance herself. And often times, she will do this slowly until she is ready to leave him. Some women even talk to their man and he says he will change. But he never does and it comes to a point where they must terminate the relationship. A sign of unhappiness is always the withholding of sex. They just cannot be intimate with a man they are losing emotionally intimacy with.
On the opposite end, women do not like door mats. So, if you are the type to drop everything for her and over please her, then stop. Women like a challenge. If you are little aloof sometimes. Or do not drop everything at her command, she may actually feel the spark ignite for you. You see, this is what players do. They show interest in her, then pull away and ignore her. It makes her chase him. Not to say use this tactic to manipulate her, but it does work. If you are all over her, eventually she will take you for granted and get too comfortable and that sexual spark, which stood alone and apart from all else, will die. And you will soon become like brother and sister. That is a relationship death. The death of passion. And lust. So sometimes creating tension in the form of slight aloofness can work, if she can handle that and not get so upset that she just leaves. Only you know her.
So, taking each other for granted is high on the list. Getting too comfortable and complacent is part of this.
Stay connected. Laugh with each other. Be silly and have fun together. Do not let real life always get in the way. Practice spontaneity. I believe if you have a true connection and appreciate each other and just have fun together, the sex should never drop.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (27 August 2017):
I can only speak for myself here, but as a woman who has gone off sex with previous boyfriends, I'll tell you the reasons why and see if any of them help.
1. Im sorry if this is blunt, but one of the main reasons I've gone off sex in the past is that the sex just isn't that good. As you know, women often need a lot more work to enjoy sex, and with partners that have put the effort in this is much less of a problem. Yet sadly, I have experienced men that are either selfish lovers or very sensitive to any sort of direction, meaning it never gets better. In a situation like that, the novelty of feeling desired and wanting to please my partner will get me so far, then I'll start to get sick of it. Like I'm just there for his enjoyment. So I'll stop wanting it. Most men say that this isn't the case with them. They are generous lovers and all women they've been with have orgasmed regularly. And that may be true in some cases. Yet my ex also says that, despite the fact I rarely orgasmed with him and I never faked it. In my experience, many men seem to project their enjoyment onto the woman without checking. He was putting in some effort sure (thinking that lasting over 30 minutes = a good lover) but not in any ways I enjoyed.
Which brings me nicely to:
2. I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted. Women are not raised to be open about what we want sexually. We are told to look sexy but not too sexy; to be sexually adventurous but not too much or we'll scare him off; we should try to please our men but don't seem too experienced or he'll think we've had 'too many' partners etc. It's a minefield. It also makes us nervous to ask for what we like or want to try. We also know that many men link their masculinity to their sexual performance, and any sort of criticism can devastate them. Since we are also raised to be kind and not cruel, it often means we don't know how to address bad sex. I'm much more assertive now, but when I was younger it was easier to just put up with crappy sex and not rock the boat. Again, this eventually leads to a dead bedroom. My advice around this? Encourage her to tell you honestly what she likes and dislikes, and vice versa, leaving any ego at the door. Communication always makes sex better but only if people are free to truly express what they think with no judgement or negative responses.
3. The pill. When I was a young teenager (16/17) I was super horny all the time. Seriously. Then I got my first boyfriend at 18 and went on the pill. I was on it until I was 26, by which point I was never in the mood. In fact, I dreaded sex and felt physically sick at the idea of it. I tried 6 different brands over the years and each of them had the same effect. I'm now not on any hormonal contraceptives. While this does mean me and my current bf have to use condoms, I'd argue that a healthy sex drive is better than very infrequent bare sex, right? Well apparently not always. When I told my ex that I was going to come off the pill due to my low libido, he suggested staying on it and 'just using lube' because he hated condoms. I'm sure you already know this, but being aroused is not the same thing as lubrication, and him being happy to ask me to continue having sex even when I hated it so he would have a slightly better orgasm was the death knell in that particular relationship.
3. Porn. I actually watch porn sometimes so I'm not against it, but in the last 10 years I've seen a huge difference in the way men (probably women too but I don't have sex with them) approach sex. The best sex I've ever had was when we actually spent time exploring and getting to know each other's bodies rather than following the porn format of 5 mins of kissing, 10 mins of oral, penetrative sex in 10 different positions then he asks to cum on my face/boobs/bum. Good sex is in the moment, following the sensations of the partner you are with at that moment, not following a set order that's designed to benefit the viewer not the participants. Use your imagination!
Which brings me to my final (but most important) point:
4. I felt like he wanted SEX, not ME. I've had 5 boyfriends in my life. Every one of them started out by making me feel sexy. Courting me, connecting with me, making me feel special and desired. Like he was so turned on by me he just couldn't help himself. VERY SEXY. After I'd been with them for long enough, most of them (present bf excluded) settled into a routine. They stopped making an effort to be romantic and make me feel special because they 'had' me. They'd come in, watch a bit of tv or sit on the internet all night to 'unwind' after work, then approach me before bed and say things like 'I'm horny, fancy it?'. Then when I told them what I was feeling, that I missed the romance and the connection, they'd make an effort again but ONLY WHEN THEY WANTED SEX. Then when it didn't immediately work, they'd get huffy and ask why I couldn't just do it for them.
Now I'm not talking about withholding sex completely, I'm talking about it dropping from every day or two down to a couple of times a week. They'd say things like 'men have needs' and 'sexual release is essential to men', and if I 'wasn't willing to keep him satisfied he would end up cheating'. Again, making it about their need for sex and not their desire for me. In my view, this is the quickest way to make a woman go off sex. If she feels like she's just a glorified hole to stick it into rather than a whole person that you love and desire, she'll lose interest super fast. My advice on this one actually works both ways. We hear from men a lot about how they don't get as much sex as they'd like; and we hear from women about how they don't feel special any more. If everyone kept making the effort they did at the beginning to make the other feel wanted and special (not just when they want something in return), then everyone would be a lot happier IMO.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2017): I'm a woman and can't say how it is for all the women you
Have been with but I can say how it is for me . I've been in relationships where my sex drive has remained high and in relationships where it has dived . In those where it has dived there has been a common thread in that the relationship started of with a great spark and I felt super sexy and enjoyed sex . The man always made me feel attractive and desirable and this was a MAJOR turn on but after time his attention turned to ogling other women when we were out and porn . For me I simply began feeling less desirable and as a result my sex drive plummeted .
With the men where my drive remained high they didn't turn to other women and porn but instead continued to focus their sexual energy towards the relationship and me and in turn I felt super turned on and did the same
For me as a woman feeling desired is equivalent of a man getting an erection and if I doubt my partners attraction or desire for me and feel he is just using me as something to relieve his sexual tension after getting excited over other women it absolutely kills desire
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 August 2017):
 There are probably as many reasons as there are women who loose interest in sex (with other men as well as you).
Women need to feel loved to want sex. Do you make your partners feel loved and cherished? Or do you just demand sex whenever you want it, regardless of whether they have had a bad day or are not in the mood? Do you support your lady friends emotionally? If they want to talk, do you listen? Do you pull your weight financially and around the home?
Do you see your partners as women with feelings and needs, or do you view them just as someone to have sex with? If the latter, then that may be ok at the start of a relationship, while the lust level is high, but will soon make them feel used if things don't change as the relationship progresses.
Do you give lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses, or just lunge in straight for sex as soon as they are within arm's reach? Just being pawed all the time can soon get very tedious for most women.
The other possibility is that you are not sensitive to their individual needs in bed. Everyone is different and has different things which they enjoy or don't enjoy sexually. Do you ask your partners what they like? What feels good? What you could do to make things better? Do you spend enough time on foreplay for them to be properly aroused? (Waving your erection at them and winking or groping them is not foreplay!) Do you have sex like you see in porn movies? Many women complain that their partners just have fast furious sex, changing positions every 10 seconds, which most women find a complete turn-off. Do you have good personal hygiene standards? Having sex with someone who is smelly, dirty or untrimmed can be very off-putting.
Also, most people's sex lives "settle down" once a relationship has been going for a while. The rampant sex enjoyed in the early weeks/months is not usually sustainable long-term. Are your expectations realistic?
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