A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is watching porn while your in a relationship a form of cheating? I've found out my boyfriend has watched porn a few times and confronted him about it. I told him that I feel degraded when he looks at that stuff because he has ME, so why should he need to look at other naked girls you know? I was pregnant at the time and I didn't like to have sex. He told me it wasn't like he was going to "meet" the person he was watching so it was ok. But to me it was NOT ok. What's the difference between watching a naked porn star or a girl across the street that could be naked. It's the same thing! Basically it's a slap in the face. If anyone feels the same way please let me know.If any of you feel differently please do tell the reason because frankly I see no reason.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for all of your answers
A
male
reader, dannn  +, writes (11 February 2011):
If you're not having sex with him is that really fair? Porn shouldn't be a threatening thing, men and women watch it all the time, usually as a way to turn themselves on to masturbate. He's probably not going to fantasize about the porn stars or meet up with any of them so why should that be a concern? If it bothers you so much maybe you can watch it with him.Be happy that he's using porn to vent his dissatisfied sex life and not looking for other women.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): To the sweet woman below, I'm glad I helped. I can be a bit snarky at times but I'm glad I didn't rub you the wrong way (that phrase sounds wrong in the context). I also want to make a correction: Child porn does not "often" speak of horrible mental issues, it "always" does. If that's what your man is into get him help, or leave him, or both. Probably both. Yeah, definitely both. Also move.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): To the latest anonymous male reader(who posted on 10 February 2011)...I really want to thank you for your intelligent and humourous response to the poster's dilemma. I have worried myself absolutely sick over my husband's secretive use of porn, imagining all kinds of horrors have been perused when I'm out of earshot/eyeshot (excuse the pun)...namely if he is lying about "regular" porn use, is he maybe using those chat sites, or looking at really horrible stuff...or looking at the live webcams (absolute dealbreaker) etc (goodness...exhausting stuff) :)The lenghty minutes he whiles away in the bathroom with the iphone and earphones particularly infuriate and upset me...I have truly felt abhorred - or like I'm being taken for a mug.But, because it's such a touchy issue (he has a habit of immediately adopting the angry/defensive position...no matter how delicately I attempt to broach the subject)...it is becoming a major grudge and cause for upset. I tend to adopt the "classic" female response...feeling a curious mixture of idignancy (how dare he look at that offensive trash when he a) should be morally repulsed by it and b) he has me(!)) combined with massive insecurity (why does he need to? I'm pretty attractive, I reckon :)) The insecurity I feel is palpable - I will likely make more effort with hair and makeup when this is on my mind, but conversely,feel much less up for a shag (how sad!).I am a pretty liberal and open-minded woman - I know loads of blokes (and a few women) view porn - i also know that many choose to hide it from their partners - I just want us to be different - no lies, please!I struggle with the aspect of degradation/objectfication that is unarguably present in the vast majority of internet porn...and am concerned with the corruption and abuse in the industry itself...but I understand that this is not at the forefront of a bloke's mind when he is knocking one out. In fact, I would be lying if I said some porn never turned me on...but because of this dichotomy, and because he first hid and then lied about it to me (literally swearing to me (on my life) that he did not use it, in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary) this issue has never had the opportunity to be a non-emotive topic of conversation - that moment had passed.Enter: resentment, intense pain and mistrust.Soooo...I have been looking at these blogs, not to find some way to demonise my husband, who (despite his inability to always trust that he really CAN talk to me and be open if he chooses to), I adore...he is my BEST friend...but instead I was looking for an intelligent, non-inflammatory male perspective that would help me talk about something that sadly is too touchy a subject for my marriage to handle right now.So, thank you...you might just have helped me out quite a bit :) I hope to be able to feel a bit calmer and less insecure or angry...I HATE that it's ever become an issue, and will do my damndest to make it a non-issue...Thanks again - V
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Sex in a relationship ought be a monogamous thing. That is without question. However, attraction is not. Every person in a relationship, in the world, ever, has felt attraction to someone other than their mate. Porn is something that allows you to take the urges you feel and release them in a way that is safe and presents no threat to your monogamy. It allows you to not have the urge for variety (an intense urge in the male mind) that destroy a relationship.In addition, many people have kinks or desires that their partner would find unenjoyable or even painful. I rather enjoy deep blowjobs, but my girlfriend isn't really capable of it, nor would I ask her to do something that could hurt her. Solution: I work out that particular fantasy on my own, with porn. Some guys have a thing for anal (I don't understand that one). Their girlfriends may or may not be down, and if they're not, it oughtn't be a deal-breaker. Porn to the rescue.Guys hide it because it gets a bad rap, because when you're around and available he doesn't need it, and to avoid you having to puzzle out what's going on from the wrong perspective. They also hide it to avoid having to lie about it, and to avoid hurting you.Porn "addicts," while I concede that I can imagine such a weak willed creature, are mostly a figment of the collective imagination created to justify righteous indignation, and often "support" material comes with religious overtones. In short, you've got about as much right to demand he not look at it in his own time as he's got to announce that you are forbidden to use a vibrator, read a romance novel, go watch Twilight, or do any of the other silly things that women do which men can't comprehend from their inherent perspective. It's also interesting to note that the rise of porn coincided with the decline of the mistress as an (almost) acceptable social tradition. And, while correlation does not necessarily imply causation, there might be a historical argument to be made that porn decreases the rate of infidelity.Important caveats: Child porn is something else entirely. They cannot consent, and attraction to it often bespeaks of horrible mental issues.If he is a legitimate porn "addict," meaning basically that he's whacking it till his penis looks like aged leather, he should stop. Note: stopping does not require a shrink, badgering, or Jesus. You just have to stop.Unless said otherwise, he should be keeping it discrete. Not out of shame, out of politeness. I love my girlfriend, but I don't feel the need to share every given bodily function with her. It's not polite.If none of the above conditions apply I'm going to give you the same advice that I give guys who spend time obsessing over how many guys their girl has been with: feel free to obsess, even leave them over it, but realize that the issue lies with you, not them.Take care and I hope that everything works out.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovegame  +, writes (9 February 2011):
hi, i had a huge problem when i discovered my bf watching porn.. i felt betrayed. However i did alot of research and spoke to alot of ppl and its ok in MODERATION.. guys are visual and porn is fasinating to them .. they dont see it as a form of cheating, kinda like us women reading a dirty book or watching twilight as it makes us feel good watching and reading romance, guys not so much. Although i have to say my partner watches so much porn these days that he expects me to dress and act like a porn star at night.. disrespectful. if your man is still loving, kind and doesnt nag you for sex when you dont want it i think it is fine. Its takes some getting used to but i think its worth while considering his needs.
...............................
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (8 February 2011):
It's not cheating and more women actually watch porn than admit to doing so.
you are just watching two people having sex. if you think about it, you can sometimes pick up new ideas.
if they didn't want you to watch them, they wouldnt film it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Hi. Many, many men and women watch porn in private. I'm a woman and I like to watch it with and without my partner. I know he does when I'm not around. I have alot of male friends and they watch it too.This is something he may have done for a long time without you knowing. I must say that if it works in your relationship knowing that he watches it then fine but if your not happy just make that clear to him. Men masturbate even in relationships, as do women, and watching porn aids that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I feel that it is cheating. If he is going to imagine having sex with all different types of women, then how is an orgasm with me and more special? If he wants to imaging touching them and being with them, then it's his way of having his cake and eating it too. Sure, he wants to be married to have sex with someone regularly, but if he also wants to have sex with every other woman, then what's the point?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I definitely feel that it is cheating. If he wants to sit and imagine having sex with a bunch of different women, then why be with me? Those images stay in the mind and are called up any time they want. It is disrespectful and degrading to women.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): I'm a woman. I watch it for leisure if he's not around. I watch it to get ideas on how to have better sex. I don't consider it cheating. If you had a favorite sitcom that you needed to watch to periodically to wind down, and you liked and empathized with a particular character, would that be called "emotional cheating"? Absolutely not. Porn is just a fiction you unwind with.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): I do. Especially when it takes the place of you. It's just as damaging. Might sound extreme to some people because he's not "doing it" physically but it's just as bad. It can become an obsession and a replacement, then who knows what it can lead to. If he has to hide it...That's the real killer. Honesty is awesome, no threats really...as soon as they lie or deny...There is a problem. I feel for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): I think it is degrading and my boyfriend eventually was signing up for swingers club!! Is not about having a porn star body... I think is more about repressed emotions, when men masturbate, they feel an ease.. it takes a load off. In a relationship your attention should be on your half... if people were more cautious on their partner's feelings there wouldnt be so much misunderstandings.
...............................
A
female
reader, missm83 +, writes (4 February 2011):
 I think I watch more porn then my man does... I don't see anything wrong with it. We like to watch it together ..try that ..goodluck :)
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 February 2011):
 I don't think it's cheating, or anything close. When guys watch porn we are usually watching the act taking place and using it as a stimulus for masturbation. It's really nothing more than that to many of us. It is different than watching a person across the street, because that person isn't knowlingly performing for the person watching. They also aren't getting paid. They are also more real because they are right there, versus in some studio or hotel room god knows where.
Person12345 is right. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker to you. You never need to accept anything in your relationship you don't want to, but gaining an understanding of porn, and possibly an acceptance on some level will likely make your life much easier. A majority of men do watch porn, so it can be tricky finding one who doesn't.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Somewhere between 55-75% of women dislike porn in their relationship (the lowest percentage I've seen is about 55 and the highest is 90) and somewhere between 25 and 50% of women consider it flat out cheating.
This is clearly not something you are OK with, so you need to let him know this is a deal breaker for you. If he's unwilling to compromise it can be helpful to talk to a couples counselor.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (4 February 2011):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-he-looking-at-porn-when-he.html
...............................
A
female
reader, melody11 +, writes (4 February 2011):
This is an issue that I think sadly comes up in just about all relationships these days, specifically with young people like us who are dependent upon the internet and consider the computer just another necessary household item like a refrigerator or a bed. I recently discovered my boyfriend's interest in internet pornography and I nearly had a break down. I told him how I felt about how degrading pornography was towards women and that in my heart, he cheated on me, especially because although we do have an active sex life, for every 3 attempts of mine to initiate, we only follow through once. Although I disagree with pornography, men seem to be conditioned to think its a part of life, just as masturbation is for them. I personally never use either, and do not see the need for it, but men seem to think differently. They find masturbation and pornography often as an escape from stresses in reality and rationalize using pornography as their way of not cheating when the urge of sexual activity is strong and that they are in fact noble. You could try to come to terms with it. I have as much as it makes my stomach turn when I think about it. It's gross to admit, but a lot of men do it daily and to things that we would find horrifying and disgusting. These men usually have no interest in doing it in real life and this is just their way of getting off, again they don't see that release as intimate and personal as we do. They just see it as something they do in their own time by themselves to feel good, just like we might have a bowl of ice cream or take a bubble bath. Obviously, if it is an obsessive and addictive thing (which I do feel pornography has addictive qualities just as drugs do) then you should nip it in the bud as it could become a thing where he needs kinkier and kinkier to get it off or he could start wanting to bring it into your bedroom or somebody else's. You said in your question that he had only done it a few times, and if that's true, that's actually not horrible. It is likely he has done it more than he told you, but if it's something you recently discovered, it's obviously not dictating his life so I wouldn't be worried too much. If you morally feel that pornography and masturbation are cheating, make that hit him hard. I read earlier in an article on DC that a committed couple should sit down and talk about what defines cheating to each of them. Is porn cheating? Are webcams? Kissing? Flirting? Going out for coffee? etc. Describe situations where these things can come up so that your boyfriend knows where the lines cannot be crossed. If you differ, explain why you each feel a way about something and compromise or accept. My boyfriend and I hit a bump recently and he is trying to prove to me that he doesn't need these things to keep him going. I made an oath in return that if he works on not using porn as much (as it makes me feel uncomfortable) I would try to work on my vices, such as emotional over-drinking and self deprecation. You guys will be all right and when the dust settles, you will feel better. Maybe a little jaded, but much better. Good luck with him and remember that communication is entirely what makes or breaks a relationship. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, ailemaaax  +, writes (4 February 2011):
My boyfriend did the same thing. I think it's a kind of male curiousity that's natural for them.
For me, it doesn't bother me because he's looking at other naked women, I don't know why. It bothered me because I felt like he was being immature and dirty -- I feel porn is a habit for curious little boys and filthy old men, not real men -- they don't need porn because they have girlfriends.
Anyway, I think it's natural for you to not want him to watch it for whatever reason. But even if he thinks it's okay and his mates might think it's okay, if he can see that you clearly do NOT think it's okay, he should stop doing it just to make you happy.
...............................
|
