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*rish6311
writes:I am worried about my daughters new relatonship. My daughter is 17, she is a great kid , we are very lucky that we have never really had any trouble with her. Normally I don"t judge the people she chooses to date but I am a little concerned with her recent boy friend. We live in a small town, I have known of Jay and his family forever. 6 years ago when he was 16, his father passed away and his mother remarried shortly after. After his fathers death he got into a lot of trouble, always getting kicked out of school, drinking, he broke into a local business, was famous fro vandelizing property, several break ins into local homes, you name it he did. Then he left, apartently he went to stay with relatives of his fathers. He recently moved back and became my daughter interest. She had no idea who he was so it wasnt like she is trying to rebel and date the wild kid. Besides him being 4 years older than her I am worried about him dating her for other reasons. He seems like a good guy, shy, timid and very blank. He shows no expression what so ever. I have invited him over to try and get to know him and see if he did change. I dont want to hold what a teenager did against them forever if he really did change. but he is so hard to figure out, he only talks when we talk to him and gives us yes sir, no ma'am answers. He look nervous all the time, like he is afraid to make a mistake. My daughter says he is not like that at all when they are alone. The only time I seen him smile was the other day when he didnt realize I was home, I heard them playing around in the den, wrestling. I could hear them laughing and when I looked in he was smiling at her. As soon as he noticed me, he got this stern look on his face got up and sat down and didnt move again until I left. I have no idea what is up with him or what is going through his head. I dont want to try and pick my daughter boyfriends but I am worried he might not be the one for her. What do you guys think is this normal.
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reader, N3m0  +, writes (29 September 2010):
sounds like me when i first met my girlfriends parents. i also had a past.. like i was in a gang at 13 and also i had many fights i sold some drugs. But all in all i just had a bad childhood. Her parents kept and eye on me which i thougth normal since shes an only child but now they completly trust me. Just pay close attention to the dynamics between you guys, and also make him feel more comfortable like offering him a drink or anythin where you have a small conversation try to have you daughter in prensence he'll more comfortable. =) thats how i got more used to them.
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reader, Universe Man  +, writes (27 September 2010):
Are/were his parents very strict? Maybe he thinks utterly passive, blank behavior is what's appropriate when parents are around. And maybe that's part of the reason why he had a rebellious phase after his father died. Try telling your daughter to tell him that it's okay to just be himself when he's around you. He'd probably appreciate having a parental figure in his life that he can be himself around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): It's really hard to know exactly what the situation is here. You did a good job describing, but it's hard to completely get a good sense of what's happening without actually knowing yoru daughter or her boyfriend.
I don't want to jump to a conclusion saying YES he's okay or NO he's horrible. I do want to make a point to mention this though: My father passed away when I was in highschool, after that I started getting into trouble - different trouble then this boy did, but still trouble. The fact of the matter is, the trouble I got into was directly a result of the trauma of what happened. I eventually "smartened" up. Went to university, got a job, a boyfriend and an apartment. People will always see me as "trouble" but it's the people that know me now that think I'm a great person because they can't judge me on what I used to be like.
You seem like a great mother, truly interested in what your daughter is doing and not even necessarily being judgmental of this boy - seeing as how you're trying to give him a chance...you really sound like a good person, and I don't think that you being concerned is a bad thing at all. There's always something about that good old "mothers intuition" that holds true.
Honestly, I think you're doing all the right things. & based on what you HAVE said, I do think this boy is normal. But there could very well be things you haven't said that might make me think otherwise.
IMO, I believe that you'd be best off giving the kid a shot. You say that your daughter is a great kid, and I have a feeling that she must be a sensible girl, maybe you should trust her. The best thing you can do is keep an open dialogue with her. Try to be open with her and talk to her about her relationship. Make sure she knows that she can talk to you. Help her understand what a good and healthy relationship is - from that, she'll make the right decision.
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reader, fordyboy  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Firstly what i am seeing here is a very loving father, and i really do congratulate you on this. Your sensible reactions and ways of looking at this problem really do you credit. I think that the answer here is to keep doing what your doing. You've actually answered your own question. Your daughter needs to choose her own path in life and i say let them be but be prepared to guide them. I know you will be there if it all goes wrong, and i can sense that actually your not unkeen on this lad. Let it be but be there for support and advice to both of them. Your friendship to both is admirable. WELL DONE, fathering at its best.
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reader, SweetindianGirl +, writes (27 September 2010):
yeah hes normal! you are just not used to someone so quiet when you are actually inviting him in your home! givehim tme, hell get comfortable and thennnnnnnn youll be annoyed!
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reader, Anadin +, writes (27 September 2010):
 i am a bit like this in general, i can only relax with my friends and my gf. i am socially anxious and blame this on my very strict upbringing...my gf hates that i cannot relax in public, but its something that is deep in my sub-concious...perhaps his family members have whipped him into shape.
give him time and he will start to relax, depending on how he has been disciplined...hope this helpes
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 From what I can tell this boy is perfectly normal. He is completely in love with your daughter, and that is why he feels comfortable enough with her to smile and relax. He is not in love with you, hence he won't act the same way around you... As well as you being her parents, he is probably terrified that you will dislike him. You know a lot about this boys past. I am pretty sure he is aware of that, and maybe is embarrassed or ashamed, or nervous.
There is nothing odd about him at all. I think you should take your daughters world for him being a good guy. But don't expect there to be any family bbq-ing anytime fast. Looks like he needs a lot of time to feel comfortable and relaxed with new people. Not everyone are easy going. But that doesn't mean theres anything wrong with him.
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reader, RennieGeek +, writes (27 September 2010):
I would say all the trouble he got into was a result of a traumatic experience. When he was sent away, do you know anything about that family or how they raised him? My guess is that while away he was taught to be a certain way with adults and doesn't feel that he can be himself around you.
Whereas when he was with your daughter he allowed to be himself. While it is okay for you to worry, I wouldn't try to push the matter too much, see what happens. Tell your daughter you are concerned for him and let him know he is welcome in the family. It might do him some good and you might get to see his true colors.
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