A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Big question. Is it morally wrong to date a guy this young? I'm 22 almost 23, seeing a guy who is 17 almost 18. (We live in Texas so he's legal age of consent). He is wonderful to me, spends all his time with me, shows public displays of affection and talks to his friends about me. He's in the army just waiting to go to basic training. He's smart and vents to me, tells me little things, while also not being over the top which let's me know he gets as nervous with me as I do him. (In a good way). But is it wrong on my behalf to date a man so young? People keep making fun of me, calling me a "child molester", "Pedophile", etc. Opinions please? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DarkAngel334 +, writes (22 May 2014):
 I think what people are calling you is bullshit. I am in my own age difference relationship (it isn't as big a gap as yours but I have been in a 4 year age difference before too) I am 17 (18 in July) and he turned 20 January 3rd. If you really care deeply for the guy then just ignore all the crap people are saying. Your age difference isn't that insane and he's about to be 18 anyway. I've had some people say crap about my relationship too. I had someone say that he was going to go to jail for being in a relationship with me but we dated before he turned 18. Just flip the bird to all the people saying all that crap about you and be happy with him. If you two are happy together then BE HAPPY!!
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female
reader, cardinal +, writes (14 May 2014):
 child molester??? what idiots are saying that?? please. honey, five years is NOTHING. date him if he makes you happy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): I would say there is nothing amoral by it per se, but Id also be shocked if it lasted....
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female
reader, Lolly_Poll  +, writes (6 May 2014):
Me and my fiance have been together for going on 4 years now. I was 17 and he was 29 when we got together. If it feels right then go for it. He's over the legal age so you're not doing anything wrong (although I'm not from the US so unsure about statutory rape laws etc)
You know your boyfriend better than anyone here does. If it seems like it's working for the two of you then ignore everyone else. People will stare, and name call, but words can be ignored.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 No, he should not be able to date whom he wants without people judging, i.e. - without people formulating opinions about it and / or voicing them. People will have opinions, positive or negative, about everything, from dating to fashion to politics to child raising to anything at all . Guess what, they are entitled to . As long as they don't try to STOP you from doing what you want ( if you have the legal right to do it ) , people are not obliged to support or approve or applaud your relationship. They are perfectly free to think, and say, that's inappropriate or unwise or questionable etc..
On the other hand, YOU think that dating a teenager is a good idea, and you are not breaking any law ? Fine, then go ahead and do it , what's the problem. OWN your actions. If you need to take a poll to find out how popular, or impopular, your choice would be, .. maybe you are not so terribly sure about your choices.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe do have a sexual relationship. I just think its kind of crazy, he's 17, sworn into the army, but still shouldn't be able to date who he wants without people judging?
I just wanted opinions. I plan to further my relationship with this guy. Thanks anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): " To state that being 17 makes you a child is a statement that is only true by laws surrounding being able to do particular things legally." The fact is that if a person applies for a mortgage, wishes to purchase knives or alcohol, or wants to take out a loan, then they are asked one simple question. "Are you over 18?"The only two answers are yes or no. There is no provision to say "no I am 17, close to 18, can I purchase a crate of lager please?" If a store was found to have been selling alcohol to a person under 18 years of age they would be fined and taken to court. No ifs, no buts. The argument that the 17 year old who bought the alcohol could be really mature for his age will not wash. If a person is under the age of 18, or whatever the age in there country/territory of reaching adulthood is, then legally and morally they are a child.Take the age of consent - in the UK it is 16. Yet some 14 year olds will be more mature than many 16 year olds are. That doesn't make it right for a 14 year old child to engage in sex. I would love to see the responses to the question "Im a 23 year old male and want to know if its okay to have a relationship with a female child." ;-)
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female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (5 May 2014):
Normally I would say its best to ignore other peoples name calling and opinions and if you are both happy then so what. However, I don't think in this day and age that it is appropriate for any person to put themselves into a position where by they are being called a "child molester", "Paedophile" or anything similar. Not even as a joke. Maybe its a little different for a woman but if a mans friends joked about him being a paedophile it could have consequences and misunderstandings. When responders on here talk about "statutory rape" I do feel a little uncomfortable also. I respect peoples views on age gap relationships but I also feel that when one of the two people inside that relationships is still legally a child, or barely into adulthood, then it could be an issue. Yes he is over the age of consent but that doesn't mean its okay for an adult to sleep with a child. Obviously I don't know if your relationship is sexual but if I had a 17 year old son or daughter I wouldn't be too happy with them having a relationship with someone approaching their mid twenties. Yes some 17 year olds are very mature and some 23 year olds are very immature, but the point remains that until he turns 18 he is still legally a child. Whether he is 17 or 7 the law is the same - he is still a minor. I say again, I don't know (and its non of my business) if you sleep together but although he can have sex as he is over the age of consent, I do personally have an issue with children of 16 and 17 having sex, albeit legally, with an adult.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2014):
 I see no problem with it if you are both happy as long as you are not sexual for 6 months. Even if the age of consent is 16 with you being over 21 it could still be statutory rape and I would not want to tread with that.
5 years is a lot in your teens but as time progresses it's not that bad...
I will comfort you with this... when my husband turned 17 I was 30. I did not know him at that point and I doubt if I had we would have ended up together (we did not meet till he was in his 30s)
Age gaps can work... women live 8 yrs longer than men on average and it's better for the man to be a bit younger in that case...
some 17 yr old boys are very mature... some 23 yr old women are very immature.
it sounds like you two fit well and your only concern is what OTHERS think... let that go.
I hate being called cougar.
I loathe it when folks say "you robbed the cradle" umm... NO he robbed the grave them... SERIOUSLY?
do not break up with him over what others think or might think.
BUT, he's going to go to boot camp and then deployment... so in addition to an age gap you will have a long distance relationship for how long? over that period of time people change.... consider that.
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 May 2014):
 In response to Fi The Tree..."I just think it's inconsiderate to make assumptions based on what little information we have regarding OP's boyfriend."Erm...then how do I answer the question? I have to generalize as I don't know the guy. I can only give a generalized statement in regards any question on here as I clearly don't know the full facts of a persons life, personality or situation. Plus, and I mean this in a general sense and not just this post, we only have the OP's side of the story when a question I presented on here. "There is a massive variation on defining the exact time that someone becomes an 'adult'. We know very little about this ladies boyfriend, just because he is 17 does that make him naive and immature?"For sure we all mature at different rates, some people have experience at a young age which force them to grow up fast and so on and so forth. Some young people have a older head on young shoulders and many people older than the OP are very childish. Again I can only give an opinion based on common sense, life experience and the realistic expectations of the average 17 year old. I don't think it was unfair of me to claim that most of us at 17 are naïve and immature. Very few people at the age of 17, and the OP says the BF is six months off 18, have the maturity and realistic world view we usually gain through a few years of living an adult life. At 36, like most people, I look back on myself and my friends when we were 17 and realize A: how grown up we thought we were and B: how naïve, immature and inexperienced we actually were back then. "To state that being 17 makes you a child is a statement that is only true by laws surrounding being able to do particular things legally."If the law in his country states that he is a child then he is a child. At 17 he cannot get a mortgage, buy alcohol or take out a lone. Neither can he go abroad without written conscent. There is a reason for this. The law in that particular country has decided, rightly or wrongly, that anyone under the age of 18 is a minor, a child. He may act differently to other 17 year olds, he may be more mature and grown up than most 3 year olds but that does not make him an adult. I fully understand that maturity, worldy wiseness (not a real world I know), and being an "adult" are hard to measure or define. It is therefore impossible to say person A is an adult and person B is not. However, it would be fairly clear to say person A (who is 63) is an adult, and person B (who is 12) is not. The area in between is grey. "Women are not necessarily expected to settle down in their 20's now as there are more career opportunities available."..."OP is still young, and may not want to settle down just yet either."I absolutely agree - When I said the OP MAY wish to settle down, again I was talking in a general sense and in terms of moving on from teenage things and gaining life experience. I meant becoming more realistic, more world weary, more mature as most people do in the first half of our twenties. The Op is at the stage of her life where a lot of people leave behind the planning and dreaming of there adult future, and start living the reality of it. Again I can only generalize in answer to the Ops question. I don't know he Op and short of doing a detailed review of her life, personality, friendships and seeing into the future, I can only give an opinion based on common sense, experience and my own life, that of my friends, family and of curse other users of this site. I was not trying to pigeon hole, stereotype or anything of that nature. Simply stating that at 23 the OP is likely to find some of her friends taking on mortgages, stressful jobs, having babies, money worries, etc. as that is all part of life. Maybe not for the OP herself but maybe for her friends. If her BF and his friends are all teenage lads then clearly there's likely, and I use the word likely, to be a discrepancy in maturity and outlook. "Society is very influential in making us believe that relationships of this nature are wrong, and that we should find partners are own age in order to not upset the world."Its not about not upsetting the world, its about protecting sometimes vulnerable people from possible abuse, exploitation or harm. I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT IS THE CASE HERE. However in the UK the age of consent is 16. I am a 36 year old man. Are you saying it would all be fine and dandy if I was sleeping with a sixteen year old girl? In some countries the age of consent is 12...would it be okay for me to go and live in those countries and have sex with a 12 year old?Again its common sense to say that its fine for a 50 year old to have a relationship with a 40 year old. No problems. Its okay for a 50 year old to have a relationship with a 70 year old. Its fine for a 18 year old to have a relationship with a 20 year old. But, and I know the distinction between right and wrong is blurred, but at some point there is a point where an age gap relationship is morally wrong. An 18 year old inexperienced girl and a 45 year old man? Hmm. A man of 50 and a girl of 17? We have lots of questions on here from both boys and girls around the age of 17 who are clearly being taken advantage of from older partners who know who to do and say the right things to exploit the younger person. AGAIN I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT OF THIS PARTICULAR INSTANCE! But we see it so much on here...teenage girls being flattered by older guys who tell them how mature they are and act in mock surprise when they find out they are only 17, teens been told that "its okay because your practically and adult". "fi The tree" my previous Gf was 52, some 16 years older than me. Previous to that my GF was 47 and 12 years older than me. What two consenting ADULTS do is there business. I appreciate the definition of ADULT is a difficult one to call and measure, but when one is legally a child I don't think it is right. I'm all for age gap relationships, but when one side of the relationship is a grown woman and the other is legally a child, with little or no experience of adult life (because they are yet to become an adult), I don't think its unreasonable of me to state that I feel there is an issue. Whether this guy is 17 and four thirds or 13 and a half, he is still legally a child. Yes he may be very mature and sensible, but you could say that about a 16 year old, a 14 year old....where do you draw the line? Mark
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (5 May 2014):
 To Mark1978 - There is a massive variation on defining the exact time that someone becomes an 'adult'. We know very little about this ladies boyfriend, just because he is 17 does that make him naive and immature?
When I was 17, i went through a major transition in my life, i lost a parent, and i personally feel that it was at that moment that I knew i would never be the same again. People around me noticed a positive difference in me that i was somehow more grown up. To state that being 17 makes you a child is a statement that is only true by laws surrounding being able to do particular things legally. Society is very influential in making us believe that relationships of this nature are wrong, and that we should find partners are own age in order to not upset the world. My boyfriend is 4 years my junior (granted he is mid 20 and I'm nearly 30) but I have dated guys my age, and they honestly bore me to tears.
This is not designed as an attack, I just think it's inconsiderate to make assumptions based on what little information we have regarding OP's boyfriend. Times have changed. My mum was married had 2 kids and a house by the time she was 27 in the early 10980's. Me, I'm nearly 30 and am not yet looking to settle down just yet. OP is still young, and may not want to settle down just yet either. Women are not necessarily expected to settle down in their 20's now as there are more career opportunities available.
To OP, people may very well be calling you a child molester, but he is above the legal age of consent in your state so you are not doing anything illegal. He will turn 18 soon, an hopefully the comments should stop after then as in the eyes of most laws, he will be able to do whatever he likes. If you enjoy his company, and get on well with him, then why should you break up over a few comments from people who have no insight into your relationship?
However, if these comments do indeed bother you, then maybe a break up is for the best, but you saw his reaction. It's clear he cares about you and wants to be a part of your life if he looked like he wanted to cry.
I hope I have been of some help today, and Mark1978 - I would like to express again that this is not an attack against you, merely just another point of view.
Good Luck OP :)
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 May 2014):
22-23 year old lads date younger girls for a reason. Usually those lads are immature, more likely to impress an impressionable, inexperienced girl than a woman there own age and like a hot young body of about 17. Plus girls of 17 can wear heels, make up and look older anyway. If this guy turns 18 in 6 months then really he is as close to 16 as he is to 18. He is a boy really. He may well seem mature and sensible, etc. but realistically he is still a kid. As I said in my first response, he wont suddenly get up on his 18th birthday as a grown man, an adult. I'm all for age gap relationships when both sides are over the age of about 27 because as we age the age gap becomes less of an issue. There wont be much difference between a 40 and a 50 year old. I'm 36 and I've dated a woman of 52 and a 47 year old. No problem with the age gap apart from the odd funny look which never bothered me. But I wouldn't go out with someone who was under the age of 26 because they are at a different stage of life, have a different outlook, and a completely different attitude. They would still be learning, developing and maturing. You are at an age where, in the next few years, you and your friends will be evolving into different people. Children, mortgages, stressful jobs, responsibilities, etc. Maybe not you personally but certainly some of your friends. How are you going to juggle seeing your friends as they become responsible adults and your boyfriends teenage mates who will probably still be into clubbing, drinking, adolescent antics and laddish larking about?There's a five year gap between you and your friend and him and his friends. Five years is an awful long time when your young and its amazing how much people mature and change in that time. How will your friends accept your boyfriend if he's still legal a child and they responsible adults? I don't think you are a predator but I do disagree with the fact nobody makes a fuss about older lads and younger girls. If a 23 year old man had a relationship with a 17 year old girl then I do think a lot of people would be suspicious of that. I also think there's something a little "wrong" with a grown man or woman, well not adulthood, waiting for a partner to reach the age of 18 before starting a relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): I'll just give you 1 piece of advice: if you want to sleep with him, wait till he's 18!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI turn 23 in 5 months, he turns 18 in 6. Almost an exact 5 year age gap. I didn't expect this stuff to happen. I live in a small town and we all just know each other.I'm actually pretty mature. I usually go for older guys or guys my age, but this just happened. Its not like I go out looking for young guys, and I'd never go under 18. We just spent time around each other and the feelings were there. I'm aware its probably not gonna last, seeing as how I'm on a different level than him. I mean it could, but who knows.Yesterday I told him our age gap is too much, and he looked like he was gonna cry. I don't want to leave him. I just wanted to know do people look at me as a predator?I can get used to looks. I can get used to people talking mess. I just wanted some outside opinions.Because 22-23 year old guys date younger girls all the time, and no one seems to make a big fuss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): I think it's morally questionable (not necessarily wrong) unless he's only 2 or 3 months from being 18 when it started. Age gap relationships, regardless of who's older, are for people who learn to ignore the looks and comments. If you can't do that, I think you'll struggle quite a lot. The only reason this age gap matters to people is because he's still legally a child and they also wonder why a 22 year old woman would want to date a 17 year old boy, when the majority (not all) of boys mature slower than girls and you already have 5 - 6 years on him without the potential maturity speed up. He wasn't even a teenager when you were his age. However, if you like each other and he is literally a couple of months (under 3) from turning 18, I don't think there's anything major to be upset about for anyone else, but you'll have to learn to ignore the looks and comments because they should stop when he's 18.Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): I was 22 when I met my husband, he was 17. He told me he was 22 so I spent the first day with him. His friend told me he was only 17 and it troubled me terribly. He convinced me to continue seeing him, so I did. We had a few problems in the beginning with some of his friends telling him he is dating a grandma. As our relationship lasted....people stopped teasing us, and the bond between us made us a strong unit. We eventually married and had three amazing children.
I was always worried he would leave me for someone younger eventually, but he never did. He actually left me for someone even older, and continued to date older woman, so the worry I had for so many years was pointless and a waste of negative energy.
I was worried about his mother thinking I was a cradle-snatcher and not liking me, but we ended up being great friends. She saw that we loved each other. I also think she was pleased he had a decent kind clever woman to take care of her son :-)
The strength of your relationship over time is what people will see and admire. When you are into your mid and late 20's the age gap starts to disappear and becomes unimportant. What really matters, is how you feel about each other, and if you feel like equals together.
So no, I don't think the age gap is morally wrong.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 May 2014):
To be honest I think the age gap is an issue. Legally there si no wrong doing of course and you are not a child molester but at the risk of sounding slighty pedantic he is 17 and therefor a child. You are a woman in your twenties and an adult.
You are both at very different stages in your lives. You are at the age where you will be soon looking to settle down, you will become more realistic as life experience shapes you into a full blown adult. You will no longer see the world through the same eyes as you take on responsibilities and the worries of adult life. On the other hand he is a teenager. He will see the world through very different eyes and have different expectations and more idealistic ambitions.
I don't wish to sound slightly rude but I do have to question your maturity here. Most people approaching there mid twenties would see a 17 year old as being a kid and would want a partner there own age for that reason. You are a woman of nearly 23 and should want something very different from a relationship and have a different outlook on life to someone of 17. If that's not the case then maybe you need to ask yourself why?
You say he shows you public displays of affection, talks to his mates about you and spends a lot of time with you, but at 23 you should be looking for something more than that. Im guessing that you are not very experienced as you say you still get very nervous with him? Maybe that's why you are drawn to a younger partner.
If your friends all have partners who are grown men and women and you have a BF who is barely an adult then you could end up being excluded and seen as immature. With the best will in the world there is nobody of 17 who has the life experience, maturity and so forth of a 23 year old (assuming the 23 year old is also mature and experienced).
In a few years you may start to feel the need to settle down, and obviously you will be living an adults life with responsibilities and yet he will still be at an age where he wants to do be free and experience new things. in a couple of years you will be 25 and he will be 19...you will be a full grown adult who has HOPEFULLY pretty much finished maturing and becoming a fully fledged adult. he will still be a teenager.
At 17 he is still maturing, developing and making the transmission from adolescence to adulthood. He will change a lot along the way and a year or two from now will be a very different person with completely different views on life, love, relationships, etc. Yes he will soon be 18 but nobody gets up on the morning of there 18th birthday with all of the skills, knowledge, experience and so on that one needs to be an adult. That takes years to acquire.
You need to find yourself a man your own age, someone who will be sharing the same emotions, setbacks, reality checks and joys of adult life as you, rather than a teen who will ineviatebly be niave, immature and have a different outlook to you.
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