A
female
age
41-50,
*rancine81
writes:I have dated men for years to realize that they aren't right for me. I see their flaws and see past them and I "deal with it".. in hopes that it may be forever. I am a caucasion Italian female.I'm trying to figure out a pattern but then even when I go for the greatest guy that I think has to be different from the rest cause he's a gentlemen, caring and smart.. that guy happens to be the biggest coniver of them all!That guy I found out the truth in about a month and a half but because of his kind attitude, I thought he was the one guy that would change my luck with men. He was Irish and Mexican (mostly Irish) I fell for him hard just to find out he was married when the entire time he said he was divorced.. for 2 weeks after he told me the truth he first said that he felt divorced and unhappy but by the end of the 2 weeks and me being confronted by his wife.. he decided to work things out with her.my first 4 year relationship.. he was Columbian and Puerto Rican.. I grew out of cause I was young but the entire time I would let him take advantage of me because I cared. His ex girlfriend would show up at the house and call for up to several months into our relationship.. I would work and give him and his old mom money.. I would let him take my car as if it was his own and I just fell out of love with him and he didn't want to let go.Next was a 2 1/2 year relationship, almost immediately after the first. This guy was closer to my age and appeared responsible. He was Cuban, funny, we got along great for a college relationship. (I was in college he wasn't), all this to find out he still had connections with his ex and so did his family but he didn't want to be with her. The truck he drove was in her name and later she wound up taking back from him and we continued to date. I graduated college and he had gotten into drugs. We used to do them together sometimes but, he lost his job and lost any motivation he had. I moved on because I couldn't be with someone who would hold me back. That was the most mature break up I ever had.A year and half of being single and loving it.. finding myself and enjoying life.. I meet my recent ex. He was a tough guy.. Dominican and Puerto Rican.. who wanted to control me for the right reasons.. I was outta control.. partying, etc. I tamed myself a bit to be a good girlfriend but he was the most selfish, cold person to live with. We had a miscarriage at one point and a couple of months later I got pregnant again.. only this time, I decided to move out of state with my family to better myself but we were even going to get married! It was like as soon as I got pregnant he became worse. He didn't visit for the holidays, he called me like once a month and he would only 'text' me to communicate.. we would fight for hours via text messaging! It was pathetic and getting worse. He took advantage of my entire family. My mom gave him money to start his biz which he failed to do with the money.. (he is still working on his career but..) he had my car because I knew he would need it to get around and in hopes... make money for our child.. but he was late every month with the payment and he would lie about everything. I considered it over and slept with the above mentioned.. man that I didn't know was married.. all of this confusion led me terminate my pregnancy at 20 weeks. This guy too had ex girlfriends trying to contact me and break us up for the majority of beginning.In between, I have met some guys that might've been 'good guys' but what do I know? I know that I blew them off.. maybe because I was getting high on the side and they didn't know and I wanted to continue getting high but it made them less tolerable to me.I've been sober now for 5 months. I am no longer pregnant as of a week ago but, I'm still afraid that my choice of men will continue to fail. I do live in a new town now.. where it's predominately white, small town, it seems laid back and relaxed.. maybe this is where ill meet that nice guy? Any advice on any patterns you see or maybe on how I should go about seeing if a guy is right for me?I've made some plans to explore the world in a few months and finish my last year of school to become an elementary school teacher.. so I may casually date during this time but, I'm not sure I should get serious.. it takes so much out of me emotionally.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 February 2008):
 Francine81, I think you have done the right choice in coming to this site for support. This is what we do here. I would encourage you to do a lot of thinking, and, if you feel unsure, to post questions here, so people can give you their opinions. In this way, you will receive a lot of help. I'm sure your experience at Dear Cupid will be just great, as it has been for so many of us who now collaborate with the site.Don't despair. Just give yourself a break and do a lot of thinking. I know for a fact that it works.Take much care.
A
female
reader, francine81 +, writes (24 February 2008):
francine81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondanielepew..i am open-minded and i appreciate your response.
i feel that i may give to much of myself to these guys. they tend to have less than I and usually a not so great family and I want them to feel loved. Im a creative person..i enjoy making gifts from hand for someone I love. I compromise..maybe too much. I like to give my boyfriend freedom to feel he can go out with his friends if he wants to (but they wind up staying in with me or go out with me)..maybe thats because they dont want me to go out or have friends.
i treat them how i want to be treated and i tolerate when they are not-so-nice to avoid arguments. maybe i should be more aware of what i dont like in someone and see it as a possible future failure?
I think now and whats happening over time is, Im afraid to be too nice or give too much. it's like i play a game with myself..i make sure i dont call too much or say more than I should..the guys I go for its usually because we have a connection. like a vibe..maybe im misreading these 'vibes'..I wish I knew what I was doing wrong..maybe dating guys that are less fortunate then i am?
Im not prejudice.. I do have a lot of pressure at home to date a 'white non-hispanic' man. I believe my choice of hispanic men happened because of where I was living at those times.
Im just lonely and depressed now. even after the abortion..i know i did it because I was hating the father for not caring and loving me the way i felt any woman in my position would expect. Theres a thin line between love and hate..the decision I made was head vs heart. Its too late and shouldnt even think about 'what if I didnt?"..
im not ready for a relationship but, i am looking for friendship and support hence, why im here and found this site. I feel pretty lost right now...i walk around and try to be happy or act happy and its all a front. there are times that I just have to cry..im not sure why..maybe its natural after all ive been through the last 2 weeks..but, I am unstable. I agree that I need to know where I want to be in my life..im working on it. i hope my plans work out for me and then I guess, everything else will fall into place.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 February 2008):
I'm afraid this is not what you want to hear, but, when you fail repeatedly with people, you're also to blame. You are not just unlucky; there is also something you're doing wrong. Let's see if we can find a pattern here.
The first thing I would like to say is that, unless you see the problem as it really is, you will continue to fail in relationships, no matter what you do.
I see that all the guys you mentioned are Latin Americans, or at least of Latin American descent. And all of them must be Catholics :-). I need to mention that I'm Latin American and Catholic, too. And I noticed your mentioning that now you've moved to an area that's white, where you hope to expect the right guy. Dear, race doesn't have anything at all to do with how good or bad you are. It should be obvious, but the color of the skin is no indication of how good a person is.
I do see a pattern in your dating all this men. I don't think it was by chance that you were involved with four Latin Americans. My guess is that you dated them because they were exotic. And I see this a possible reason of your failure with all of them. Only too often do we have stereotypes, that this person has to be this or that way because he is of this or that descent. Are you sure you were looking at the person, not the color?
You're white. Are you sure they were looking at you, the real you, instead of just enjoying the fact they were with a blonde?
I don't think, either, that you were just unlucky and three of them had someone on the side. There has to be something in you that attracts the bad apples. Maybe people detect that you don't really put up a defense and they abuse you.
You also seemed to have a wild side. I think this you need to give up. I wonder if anyone goes to a bar thinking "Wow, here I am at Joe's, where they serve beers and people get laid, but I'm here looking for lifelong, committed marriage. That girl over there, the one that's drunk, that's the one".
I do commend you on staying sober. This is the way to go.
I think you should focus on your career at the moment. Give yourself a break and don't date anyone now. You had an abortion recently and I don't think you're emotionally stable at the moment. And I noticed another pattern: in two of four relationships, you jumped too quickly from one to the other. This suggests to me that you dive too fast into a relationship, and then you might do it for the wrong reasons. Because they seem kind and polite. Like I said, perhaps you need to know a person better and see their true colors.
If you want to settle with someone, you need a sense of direction. You need to know what you will do with your life, where you will live, et cetera. This was missing in all your previous relationships, except, it seems, for the Dominican/Puerto Rican.
Have you thought about what you offer a man? What kind of a deal you are to him? I know these men took advantage of you and your family. Maybe they thought you were a good financial deal. But, as to feelings and human contact, what do you bring to the table? I'm not saying this to hurt you. It just happens that once I read a wonderful book by Erich Fromm, "The art of loving". Fromm says we always worry about finding someone who will be "right" for us, in the sense that he or she will have the looks we love, the position we want, et cetera; we worry about being loved by a cute animal, but never about our LOVING. We don't stop to think what we will do for that person. It's not only you, but everyone.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (23 February 2008):
 Yes, there are a few decent guys still out here, honey. I hope to count myself among them. Funny thing is I ask myself the same question about a lot of women...are there any decent women out there? Im sure there are, but I would like to meet her, that one woman who is right for me. But i knnw how you feel... Dating is a grind, finding that right person is a challenge of a lifetime. The lucky ones find them early in life and live on happily. Others like you and me have to do a little struggling, which involves more than a little heartbreak and bad luck. But look the bright side...our stories are more interesting!
Have some faith. Attend to finishing your schooling and try to stay clean... always keep your eyes open for that guy. You may be surpised when he does come into your life.
I'd be tempted to ask you out myself, because we seem to have some things in common. You sound like a very sweet girl. Feel free to email me.
In any case I do wish the best.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (22 February 2008):
Hello,
It seems to me that maybe when you are looking for a guy you are looking for someone to complete you in some way. Do not worry, that is the way it is for most people. What I would say though is that because you have had a few challenges you really need some time to yourself, just to get to know you and to reach a point of being "at peace" with who you are including past mistakes.
This is a really hard thing to do and requires more self honesty than many people can handle but I believe in you and am sure that you can do this.
When you can live your life for you, go to sleep okay and sleep well, go through your day generally happy with life around you and more importantly comfortably with yourself, then you will be more prepared for a new relationship than you have probably been in the past.
Do not worry about time. It does not matter if it takes 5 months or 5 years. It will take as long as it takes. What you must focus on is you, how you feel, what you like and do not like. In the movies "The Runaway Bride" with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, Richard challenges Julia to find out how she likes her eggs. This might seem silly but it contains a big truth. The character Julia was playing had had several failed relationships and marriages that did not succeed and each time she had just accepted the way her boyfriends liked their eggs cooked as her own. She did not really know what she herself liked. In the film Julia takes some time out to find out what she really liked.
That is kind of what you need to be doing right now, finding out how you like your eggs, so to speak. Until you really know yourself well (including your faults) then you will always struggle to find that man who will be good for you and with whom you can build a solid relationship. Of course during this journey of self discovery you do not have to be solitary. By all means go out on dates, see movies, eat out, stay in with chocolate and wine, laugh joke and just enjoy relaxing by yourself and with company - but I would advise against getting "involved" or serious until you know who you really are and what you really want for yourself and a family/partner.
Then when you are ready you will find that someone possibly when you least expect it and life will be so much better.
You go for it girl, and write me if you need to.
:-)
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