A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for 13 years and have been together as a couple for over 18, over half of our lives, and have multiple children together. Tomorrow, we are supposed to meet with my wife's friends, maybe some of their husbands, and one friend has a boyfriend whom I have never met. Tonight at dinner, my wife asks me to "pretend like you are someone else" when meeting the boyfriend and to "not be obnoxious". This request is not the first time she has made this of me. Meanwhile, I have never made this request of her. Some of her friends like me the way I am and some do not. One friend even said one time, "We only put up with you so we can see her ... but not for much longer," which my wife dismissed as nothing of consequence.(In case anyone is wondering, I am not a hateful or hurtful person; nor do I deliberately try to embarras my wife. The friends and I simply have substantial culture clashes.)Right now, I feel as if my wife is embarrassed to be married to me. After how many years of a relationship is it no longer acceptable to act as if you are embarrassed by your significant other? How long into a marriage is it considered hurtful, unkind, unloving, or simply wrong to not say to your friends, "This is who my spouse is. If you cannot accept them for who they are, you cannot accept me." Or am I completely wrong? Is being married supposed to mean you give up who you are just so your spouse's friends who think they are better than you do not have to have their presumptions of the world challenged?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):
I hear you, man. I am somewhat conservative and opinionated. My wife is also conservative, but very artsy and her crowd has a lot of artists, actors, and the like. They believe in astrology. I believe in science. We just clash. My wife can bridge both worlds, but many of them can't. It hurts me when my wife tells me not to embarrass her or outright refuses to invite me, but that's life. She feels uncomfortable around my straight-laced friends. My advice to you is to take her advice and try not to be obnoxious. Sit in the corner and smile a lot. Her friends will think you are shy, which is better than them thinking you are a jerk. Most of my wife's friends think I'm a jerk.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Your behaviour is NOT who you are. It's what you do and no, your wife is not obliged to like and accept it just because you're married. Nor should she have to lose friends because of it.
Would you tell a battered wife that her husband's violence is just 'who he is' and that she should accept him because they're married? Of course not. I'm not accusing you of being a batterer, merely pointing out the flaw in your reasoning.
You mentioned that speaking to her about this was pointless because she didn't seem to understand where you were coming from. But did you understand her? Were you prepared to really listen to her or were you only interested in convincing her that you were right?
I agree that it would be more helpful if your wife gave you specific examples. Perhaps you could have another sit down with her, but this time LISTEN as you want her to listen to you.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (18 December 2011):
 We need a little more information - has she given you examples of how you are obnoxious? I'm sure this isn't coming out of nowhere. Do you have a pattern of being loud or rude or judgmental or instigatory in your opinions/comments in social situations? And NO your wife does not have to accept your commentary/actions in social situations as "this is who he is". Embarrassing is embarrassing no matter who you are to her. You need to get examples from her, not argue about them and REALLY think about how you behave. There is a standard and etiquette to being classy in social situations, it sounds like she's just telling you that you do not behave accordingly. This is something very important to reflect on and change negative behaviors.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (18 December 2011):
 She's not embarrassed, she just wants you guys to get along.
I've told my boyfriend to tone it down before, because he's an obnoxious person at times. He teases people in a "friendly" way, but sometimes he goes overboard.
He made an enemy out of one of my friends, because of his teasing, So I ask him to tone it down when he meets my friends.
I dont know if you are a teaser, but sometimes a woman knows when a possible conflict may arise, and she'll want to make sure it wont arise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Hi, Tyedyedturtle. Original poster here. Thanks for the response. The culture clashes boil down to three things. (1) Some of them think they are 'better' than me because they have more money or the same money and no children. (2) I am eccentric. (3) One of them, the one with the new boyfriend, thinks she is 'better' than me because ... my apologies if this comes across as insensitive but I have no more diplomatic way of saying it ... because she is a hated filled snob. So long as none of them are looking down their proverbial noses at me, we get along just fine. However, as soon as it starts, I understandably feel compelled to stand up for myself, which embarrasses my wife because she thinks I am making a scene.This has come up before and I have tried talking with her about it. Unfortunately, she falls back on the argument of "But you /are/ obnoxious when you meet new people or around my friends or my family or etc. etc. etc." or something like it. So, talking with her has not helped the situation and I am reluctant to try again because, to borrow a line from an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond', if you shock the monkey a thousand times, he eventually stops reaching for the banana.Because I love her, I said she should go ahead without me and I might catch up with them later. I am not going, though.And, to jonas (thanks for the reply, as well), if any of my friends do not like her, they have not said anything to me about it. However, even if they did, I would never ask her to pretend she is someone else just to satisfy them because she is my wife and my friends are not.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Like me..it sounds like you just need to EDIT your speach. I always seem to say what I think(not a good idea)My wife has always told me to not embarass her so I just keep quiet unless spoke to. That annoys her too so there's no winning. Just pre-edit all speech.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I think the key phrase here from your wife is "pretend like you are someone else". On your wedding day, did you marry her or someone else? Did she marry you or someone else? I think on that day, her friends needed to either raise their objections during the ceremony or learn to live with who you are. If you really are that much of a 'problem', they can say to her, "Let's get together but don't bring him."
It sounds to me like she is having a hard time understanding the fact marriage is about uplifting both of you and not about asking the other to change who they are just to preserve any niceties with friends. I dated someone like that for many years and after a while, I just stopped socializing with them. It was painful but I knew I deserved better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I do not think your wife is embarrassed by you. I think it may simply be that you simply speak your mind, which is ok, but sometimes people just want to go out and have a good time without people getting into heated discussions. Your wife is not asking you to change who you are, just simply for you to avoid heated discussions for one night. Surely you can do that much for the woman you love. Your wife should not have to chose between you and her friends, because you should love her enough to be able be polite to people she cares about out of respect for her, even if you don't like them and they don't like you. Being married means sacrifice, this includes putting up with people who you don't like and being polite simply because you love your spouse. You have strong beliefs and you will argue them because you believe in them, so do her friends. Just be polite and avoid topics which lead to cultural clashes, simply because you love your wife.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I don't think your wife is ashamed of you, I think she just want to keep the peace and harmony in social interactions and enjoy a night out with their friends without " culture clashes " coming up. Of course you are entitled to your opinions, but maybe conflicting opinions and values have in the past brought to heated discussions or confrontational exchanges that are best left out of a dinner table around which friends gather to eat drink joke laugh and be merry. So I guess she just wanted you to be " neutral " and stay away from the sensitive topics. Usually religion, politics.. and , In Europe, soccer:). But , whatever it is you and her friends lock horns about , just for once stay away from it, so that everybody, including your wife, can relax and have a good time.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I feel like your wife is indeed a bit out of line. I feel her comments to you are insensitive and are causing you to feel like you are an inadequate spouse and person. You two need a serious chat. You have every right to have your feelings hurt. She shouldn't be embarrassed and you should be allowed to be who you are--no matter what.
However, I would like to know what exactly these "culture clashes" are and how exactly they manifest? Sometimes, people discuss hot topics, i.e. religion, ethnicity, politics, ethical issues, and personalities clash, people get their toes stepped on, and people don't want to be associated with some people. It's best to avoid such things when meeting new people and do conduct yourself in a very polite, respectful, and tactful way. Do you perhaps clash in such categories and discuss/debate such things freely? If so, she might just want you to mute that a bit, which I can understand. Such issues are usually reserved for more deep conversations with intimately known friends and family.
However, you need to discuss with her how this is affecting you and hurting your feelings. Ask her exactly what she means by "be someone else" and explain how that is disrespectful of you. As a spouse, she shouldn't make such a request and she should accept you as the person you are. But have a conversation with her and see if something might have legitimately happened between you and her friends which she deemed inappropriate.
Best of luck!
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