A
female
age
36-40,
*oldie22
writes:This might sound really silly but i sometimes worry about what my fiances family think of us we didnt have a very good week with them, we attended a large family meal last week and were told where we were sitting (which i was fine with, its their house) but they put us on the childrens table, which was low down and uncomfortable and had our backs facing the 'grown ups'I was horrified. His sister ( who is a year older than me talked during the evening about her experience of child birth, as i would soon like to be a mother i was keen to listen and join in, but she sort of brushed me off by saying i wouldn't really understand and so shouldnt try and talk about whether natural birth is better. I just thought how rude! And left them get on with it. Im not in any way immature, inpolite or stupid, and not only am i a woman, im a nurse! So felt that the brush off was a bit nasty and uncalled for and.that i didnt deserve it! She then went on to have a go at her brother 'my fiance' for standing up, whilst holding the baby in case he drops him. I know it's her baby but its my fiance's nephew and not the first 1 hes looked after, plus he is 28 years old, she said it infront of 15 family members and he was truly lost for words and very hurt that she doest trust him.He is genuinly good with children. Her husband apologised on her behalf which made her go off in a strop. I put it down to hormones and told.him to just stay out of her way as she clearly had it in for us that night.There was then another problem as my fiances niece said came to me and said 'aunty * * grandma (fiances mum) said i shouldnt really tell people your my aunty yet because your not family untl you get married. Now that really hurt. The little girl has been calling me aunty for 4 years! She is now 8 what the hell!!!! We r getting married soon which wud make it all.legal but it hurt to know that im not concidered a member of the family after so.long!Perhaps the seating was down to bad judgment and his sister is extremely superior in the way she talks to others but my fiance wasnt partically pleased. Hes going to talk to them about it because he has noticed that there are times where his sister is rude and we feel.that there is not a lot we can do. Because she has delicate feelings aparently and, doesnt mean it, we are told. But she's 25! I am beginging to feel like they treat us like a 15 years old couple of teenagers, and not soon to be husband and wife in our mid 20's.I think this is something we need to discuss as a couple with them but have no idea how to word it, can anyone please help as i dont want to fall out with anyone. I just want us to be treated as adults and to put this all to.rest.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Some family dinamics are just plain crazy and there is no "answer' I'm sorry but there is a problem with his family relationships that they don't see as problems.They see it as normal to be that way. Good luck with weaving in and out of that "minefield"
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I understand how this family reunion must not have been pleasant for you, and your sister in law surely does not shine for her social skills , but I feel you may be overreacting . Meaning, you already dislike this person - or,you both dislike each other - and so your basic negative views ( which may be justified, I don't deny it ) put anyway everything that went on under a gloomier light. But, probably, none of it meant what you take it to mean, or at least it can be very possibly read in another key. The seating arrangements, for instance. Well, unless they have a huuuuge space with huuuuge Victorian tables for 30 people , it HAS to be a little slapdash and somebody will happen to have to sit with the kids. Who best than the younger , unmarried people in the house, - it's the most sensible arrangement, I would have done the same with my guests without any disrespect meant. Maybe you can suggest that the next family reunion will be a buffet thing with all the guests free to circulate rather than a place' ( sit down ) dinner ?And the baby. Hormons , and a protective mom. Motherhood is not a democracy, it's an autocracy, what the mom says goes. Like all autocracies it's not the height of rationality, just don't take it personally, if she is apprehensive about other people handling her baby, she just is and it's her right to be.Regardless of your experience with kids. Don't take it personally, don't feel offended, it's not a judgement about your fiance's childminding skills. I would not have entrusted my newborn to Dr. Benjamin Spock in person, and I did not let my own mom handle him until quite a few months later. As for sharing her chilbirth experience, maybe she was not comfortable doing it with you since you are not particularly close . You may be her brother's future bride, so she has to be civil - that does not mean she needs to be chummy . Another thing is that you probably don't imagine how galling and infuriating is for any mom having a well meaning - and childless- doctor or nurse friend piping up with her well informed theories about " what's best " . I am afraid that childbirth and his aftermath- breastfeeding etc.- is a field where what really counts is the person's hands on own's experience , no matter what professional and textbooks says. Again, there are different ways to convey this sentiment and your SIL did not choose the nicest one, but... just wait. Chances are you'll feel exactly like her.All in all, I would tell you not to sweat it. Maybe you'd like to feel more like you are part of this family, but, technically , they are right : you are not part of this family YET. And also when you'll legally be, it takes time and patience to develop mutual bonds of closeness and affection, it may be an easy , short process... or not.Plus, old cynical me, do you really CARE about developing these bonds etc. etc ? The important thing is that you get along with your fiance' and that HE loves you and likes you. He is not responsible if some of the members of his extended family aren't totally crazy about you- and you can live very well and happily even if they aren't !
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 And so you should have been horrified. You had a complete right to feel that way. The ONLY charitable explanation that I could think of was that they wanted two responsible people who were kind and empathic to keep the children behaving well without being overbearing.
But I don't think so. I think the sister wanted to be a b^t^h and was a b^t^h.
You do not have to endure this. This family will drive you both away from them, is that sister from hell has her way. What IS her problem?
I think you and your fiance need to come together as a strong team. The children's Table thing? Hah !! If that happens again make it into a joke. Make it into something that shows up the sister. By becoming the BEST hosts of the kids table. Have the kids laughing enjoying themselves. Pull funny faces. Have some kids jokes up your sleeve. Ask the kids respectful questions about what subjects they love at school. Encourage them. Show your leadership.
Do not tell the sister your tactics in advance. Just become the most loved couple at the next event.
And do not be afraid to respectfully say NO to the sister from Hell.She wants to undermine you.
It is OK to be on your toes to say NO. You are not her servant.
When you DO have children make sure you NEVER Choose this sister from hell for any baby sitting. Snub her ever so nicely, because I have NO trust that she would not try to undermine you to your own child.
the poor little child is only spouting what that b^t^h of a sister has been spouting behind closed doors. It is Sad to have to say this but the sister will probably try to disrupt your wedding. So sadly that means you may need to reconsider if you want any of her children in the wedding party (flowergirl/page) as once again I have NO faith that she would not try to ruin your day.
As a couple the two of you need to stand firm.
And stand united.
And agree on ALL your tactics behind closed doors.
Do not allow this sister from hell to have any say over what happens at your wedding.
And after you are married she will need to earn your respect, seeing as she is fast losing any chance of being respected in the future if she keeps up this barrage of nastiness.
You do not have to put up with such rubbish.
I would keep away from her as much as possible, She is a bully and has probably been a bully all her life.
The rest of his family ought to have the courage and the respect to call her out on her rudness. But I suspect that this sister from hell has called the shots for the last 25 years and been allowed to get away with it.
She is NOT your friend. So do not allow her to try any MANIPULATION including any efforts by her to get you abd your brother to break up.
Gee I am so glad I do not have to endure anything as bad as you are suffering. My thoughts are with you.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I feel your feelings are totally legitimate! I too would feel like his family are treating you both like you are fifteen and are not taking your relationship seriously. Hormones and sensitive feelings or not, this family lacks tact, it seems to me!
If I were you, I would lay low. You shouldn't attack his family directly. You should communicate with your fiance openly about how you feel this behavior from his family is unnecessary and disrespectful to your relationship. Though, it seems like he is on your page already, which is great! Really, he needs to do the talking and have some serious heart to hearts with the select members of his family who are making you both feel this way. He needs to find out why they conduct themselves in such a rude way and if they don't like you or approve of your relationship. He needs to express how serious and in love he is about you and how it hurts his feelings when everyone does not respect you or his relationship with you.
The next time his sister is having a conversation you are interested in, jump in whenever it is appropriate! Say something intelligent (since I'm sure you're knowledgeable being a nurse!) and conduct yourself especially politely, but make sure not to interrupt anyone. If she snaps, she will look like the ass, not you! But don't let her hold you down.
Overall, I would just kill them with kindness. But I see how this is so frustrating. Your fiance must address this issue himself. Best of luck and I hope it improves!!!
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