A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:So the other night my boyfriend went out with 2 mutual friends. We'd had a spat-things I'm just trying to sort through to see where we are in this relationship. They asked him point blank, "Do you want to end the relationship?" He emphatically said "No! I want to be with her!" one of the mutual friends who hasn't seen him for several months said he saw quite a change in my boyfriend's personality (change for the good). I just wonder...when we're together my boyfriend will discuss distant future relationship events but only in terms of "MY wedding will be..." or "I want MY kids to..." or "I want MY house to look like...", never saying "OUR wedding" or "OUR children" or "OUR house". But there are things in the not-so-distant future that he says "WE have to do that" or "WE have to go there". So he sees us together at least a few months out at a time. Tell me I just need to sit back, relax, enjoy where we are NOW and let his commitment unfold over his timing, without my freaking out.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I think it'd be a bit pretentious actually, to say OUR wedding and OUR kids including another person with whom you have not yet discussed any future wedding or kids. Sure, if you are currently trying for a baby, he should say OUR kids, but are you trying for a baby? Have you had the baby-talk?
Same with weddings. Unless he's proposed and you have a ring on your finger and a set date, there's no OUR wedding. It's his fantasy wedding, and you're not a part of it not because you can't ever be, but because you aren't yet. There's been no proposal, there's no ring, and you haven't accepted. Imagine how you'd feel if a man you don't want to marry suddenly claimed YOUR wedding would be such and such, having it all planned out, without even popping the question. You'd run for the hills is what you'd do. Imagine any woman at all talking about OUR wedding and OUR CHILDREN to a man which she has not discussed these things with and is engaged to and trying for a baby with... He'd take off in a rush.
Come on. If you want to marry this man then have that talk with him, don't sit there and wonder why he doesn't read your mind and understands by magic that you want to be part of his fantasy weddings and the mother of his future babies. He doesn't know you want to, you haven't had the talk, and including you without even talking to you about it would be a nail in the coffin of the relationship.
It'd be highly embarrassing and pretentious if he out of nowhere started talking about OUR wedding and children. It's not a bad sign that he isn't saying OUR, it's a sign that you and him aren't at that stage yet where you are planning a future together, hence it'd be out of order for him to start talking like that. He isn't distancing himself because he doesn't want to come closer, he's keeping his distance because it'd be rude to impose a wedding and children on you without even talking about it with you first.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 It depends. How long have you been dating ? More than , say, one year ?
I have this theory and let me stress that's just MY theory, it may be disproved by anybody any time. But I feel that if you find " the one ", with whom you can see a future together, you know it pretty early, let's say by the 6 months mark. Not that I would suggest anybody to get officially engaged after just 6 months- au contraire. I'd say that it takes at least another couple of years to make sure that everything is as good as it sounds and there are no bad suprises- an FBI pending search warrant, a couple of out of wedlock kids, an allergy to your favourite pet whom you could never part with... whatever. But, that " Eureka ! I found her ! " feeling must already be there, that joyful expectancy that , barring the just mentioned bad news, you've hit the love motherlode. Otherwise it won't develop with time. With time, what you develop is affection, and habit, and sense of guilt... which won't prevent you to keep your eyes peeled hoping for something better- the REAL thing- to come up.
It's a bit like apartment hunting. You know, like when the real estate agent shows you a couple dozens places and , yes, they are all OK, they are all fine, yes you could live there why not ... but nothing is really exciting, nothing feels just right so you keep asking to be shown more and more and more ? Other times instead, you see ONE place and - bam . It's the right one. You know it, you want it, it's just the thing. Of course you'll have to check accurately if you can afford the rent , or mortgage, if
the plumbing works, if the roof holds etc. but if there are no troubles you need to see nothing more, not even if bigger better cooler places are available ?...
Of course we can't say exactly what's the situation because we don't know enough about his personality and level of committment , after all you, and your gut feelings ,are the best ones to assess if he is in love with you and just taking things slow, or simply treading water for lack of better-
sure that talking about MY future wedding and MY future kids with the woman you are having a relationship with is not so great; it's a way to distance yourself and put barriers to real closeness, but if this is a conscious choice due to a precise life plan, or a subconscious resistence which he is unaware of, - you should bring this up with HIM to find out.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Sometimes, commitment is scary for people, especially men who are often conditioned to not be extremely open with their feelings. You just have to give some people time. He obviously loves you and wishes to be with you. The commitment is just scaring him. Maybe you should have a chat and ask him point blank, "Where do you see us in a year? Five years? Ten years? Do you see an us at all? Sometimes you make me feel like you don't and I would just really appreciate an honest answer. Please." See what he says. I'm guessing he just is needing time to come to terms with commitment. Be patient, but urge him to be open and honest with you.
However, since you are asking for honesty, be prepared to hear something that you might not exactly WANT to hear.
Best of luck! Hope it works out!
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