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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My bf used to think my looks were perfect. But he seems to put me down lately. Like he doesn't like a birth mark on my nose. I can't control that. He tells me that my body is perfect for a woman my age but that I am not 20 anymore. He said that there are things about my body that aren't so great and things about it that are great. He says next to a 20 year old who is in as good shape as I am (I dance and work out a lot so I am in great shape) that the 20 yr old would be better. Well, sure, many haven't had kids yet. I guess I know what he says is true deep down but I am not sure why he would say that? It just seems hurtful. I asked him to rate my body. He said 9.5. I asked why not 10? That's when he mentioned I am not young anymore. He said that youth has its own appeal. I guess I asked for it. :( This all coming from a man who is 16 years older than me and looks like he is 8 months pregnant. Yet I never once have put him down. Not even when he asked me if he has a big belly. He covers his tracks by saying "would you want me to lie?" But either way, it just seems mean spirited.He joked that if he got a woman as gorgeous as me then he could probably do even better. He said that and took his comment back right away. Apoligizing profusely and saying he didn't mean it. But... he did say it out loud. And my feelings were hurt. When I tried a dress on once he told me my boobs drooped in it. That hurt my feelings too.He loved my looks and always thought I was beautiful. And he loved my free spirited nature. But it just seems lately he is trying to keep me down or make me feel bad about myself. I am not sure why he would do this? Isn't a guy supposed to make his gf feel like she is the most beautiful girl of all? That he is looking no further than her. I am worried one day I will no longer be good enough for his critical and perfectionist nature. I just wonder if he is insecure? and trying to make me feel like I can't do better than him? Or am I just overly sensitive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): Hello everyone! It's the OP of the question.WOW!What amazing insight. Thank you to each and every one of you for your comments and opinions. I have really learned a lot from you. And have been able to see this from other perspectives.My BF is a perfectionist. He's a Virgo. ;) He was attracted to my looks from the starting gate. He thought I was the hottest woman he ever saw and fantasized about me. He thought he had no chance in hell with me at the time because he saw me as out of his league. But I fell for him. For his heart. Yes, I was attracted to his looks but it was more about the man he was and the physical attraction was an extension of that. As he got to know me over the past few years, he saw all my other strong attributes. My sense of humour, my good heart, my loyalty, my fun lovingness and free spirited nature. We just have a great time together and we have this strong, unbreakable connection which defies words. We were supposed to meet twice before we actually met the third time. I believe it was fate. I really do. This Thursday is our anniversary. For the most part, it's been a good relationship. It has its up's and down's like most but we are happy. He has always told me how I am beautiful and how he has never met anyone like me. That I am the only woman who ever turned his head. How he loves my hips and waist and curves. And how much he loves my body. He loves my eyes and my smile. He does compliment me. But he is not the kind of guy who dishes out compliments very easily. He wants to say them when he is good and ready, on his own terms. He does not like to be coaxed into it. He is a little more on the introverted side. He shows his feelings by actions and not words all the time. Yes, I have asked him many times about my looks and body. I guess sometimes I feel if I am not perfect enough, he will leave me. Because sometimes I feel like he is a little shallow. Although if he was shallow, he would probably have left me for the next best thing long ago. He has stayed with me for the long haul. He has also said, so what if I am not perfect? He isn't either. Nobody is. He is with me regardless. Even with my flaws. He admitted he has them too and that I stay with him regardless of his flaws. He is happy with me. He is not seeking anyone else nor looking. He says he is happy with what he has. And he considers himself very lucky to have me. Yeah, he is a little insecure because I turn heads when I walk into a room. He has admitted that himself. He says I have a certain charisma that draws people in. I have a bit of an ego I must admit. And maybe he is trying to reign me in a little. He is confusing because he loves my looks yet he is also an intellectual who is very impressed by intelligence, and he feels I am intelligent. Just that he has pretty high standards. By his own admission. And he said that he chose me because I met all his high standards.I have gained a bit of weight being with him. Going away, on trips, dinners etc, we have both gained a little. Maybe I feel insecure about that? And he is hitting a soft spot I might already have? I have put on about 5 pounds in the 3 yrs we have been a couple. But so many people put on a little weight in relationships. I gather this is normal and not unheard of. Maybe I struggle with my own issues of perfection? And need to hear from him that I am perfect?Lately a FB friend started to comment on all my pictures how beautiful I am. He is a martial arts instructor; younger and in kick ass shape. I do not like him nor do I see him in real life. I have not seen him in over 5 years nor do I care to. But I am wondering if this guy's starting to UP his comments on my pictures might make him feel insecure?I think my boyfriend is perhaps afraid I will leave him. And he would not want to admit that it would hurt him more than he ever anticipated. As for what he said, last night I told him if he thinks I can find better than him? He said he would never ask that question. I said do you think there are men who are younger than you, and fitter than you that I might think are better? That shut him up. Then I said, as for you finding a woman more gorgeous than me. Do you think you can? I said NO. You CANNOT. And if you think you can, I told him GO AHEAD AND GO FIND HER. So I dished it back. He told me NO he doesn't think he can nor would he ever want to go out and try to find someone. I told him he does not need to bring me down and make me feel insecure so that I feel I can never do any better than him. I told him he is the one I want. I said in relationships we need to build our partners up. He said he does build me up. We had a good talk about it and I feel better now. I do think he is insecure. I think in the beginning it did not bother him as much but as time went on and his feelings deepened, I just think he is afraid of being hurt. Because his feelings run deeper than he wanted them to go from the start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): I think I see your problem. First-off, you already have bad-feelings about aging. Once people hit 30, they become very sensitive to remarks relating to their appearance and how age has changed it. I'm a mature-person, and I notice how openly ageist people are nowadays. It's fine as long as it doesn't come their way.
No you don't look like a 20 year-old. In most cases, a more mature body of a fit woman in her 30's or older, looks even better. The suppleness, the curvature, and the voluptuousness comes with maturity. Beauty refines itself with time. Of course looks fade, but as far as physical beauty; genetics may defy some laws of nature. Beauty isn't defined by age, our culture has only been brainwashed and conditioned to hate aging. It sells products to fight it!
I'm into fitness and nutrition. Have been all my life. My body can do a lot more than it did in my 20's at 50 plus!
I can run longer and lift more weight. I have much more muscle mass and less fat. Like you, I'm active. That makes the difference. Ask any older-person you know who keeps physically-active and notice how they embrace the changes.
You can't fight gravity, but you can work with it. It starts by not comparing yourself to younger folks; and focusing on how healthy and active you still are.
YOU'RE ONLY IN YOUR 30'S!!! Wanna trade places?!!
Your boyfriend is an asshole. He takes cheap-shots, because he's an insensitive pot-bellied pig. He doesn't want you to realize how beautiful you are; so you won't notice the heads you turn, and realize the option you have to get a better-looking/better man. He sees your radiance and says mean things out of his insecurity. He knows you can do better. So he tries to bring you down a few pegs.
He was wrong to say if he got you, he could get something better. It was a fluke. He lucked-out! He forgot that you care for him and looked past his imperfections. That doesn't happen in every case. It's probably whispered behind your back "what does she see in him???" He knows it!
You need a little backbone; and you need to tell him you don't like the cheap-shots and you won't accept his insincere apologies after the fact anymore. He's gnawing at your self-esteem; because he looks in the mirror, then he looks at you. He's scared you'll notice his imperfections; so he takes hits at yours first. Can't you see that?
You have to let him know that he's not getting any younger. You have been considerate enough of his feelings that you don't always describe what you see, or make comparisons. If he doesn't want his feelings hurt, or to loose you; he better keep his nice-nasty comments to himself. You'll be happy to give him the opportunity to find himself a girl in his 20's; while you find yourself a better replacement. Sometimes you are justified in making a rebuttal. You don't always have to take it.
It's mind-conditioning from an insecure man; who doesn't want you to feel too confident in your beauty!
Remind him that he's only your boyfriend. Easier to get rid of and replace than a husband.
Look in the mirror, if you like what you see; imagine what men see! Aside from the pot-bellied jerk you consider to be your boyfriend, that is!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 June 2017):
 He's extremely insecure about his own looks and doesn't have a clue how on earth he's landed you. He criticizes you to keep you in your place so that you don't start thinking that he's not good enough for you and leave him. It also making himself feel better about himself and gives him an ego boost by pulling you down because he knows how good you are and how inadequate he is as compared to you.
He's not a perfectionist.
He's an assh**e.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): I've been thinking about you.I think the other opinions have been mean to you and I hope you're ok. We live on a world where body image is everything, it's been like this a longggg time and it's most often the men who are the harshest judges of what beauty should be. So then our heart and how one feels is dis-regarded. Of course you are upset at how he's treated you. You say that you haven't said anything about his fat belly because you wouldn't want to upset him, I think you see beyond his fat belly and want to Love him for the man you fell for and I presume still do love because you are nice, nicer than your body and nicer than him!I would wonder how he compares you to 20 year olds, is he secretly screwing 20 year olds behind your back?What's that I see that you had to hear him say: "youth has its own appeal" oh oh oh my, that man needs to get out of his Gary Glitter crap. He had you, a beautiful, caring woman who wouldn't hurt a fly, but this particular fly needs swatting.Your mole on your nose could mean you're a witch (don't take that personally) turn him into a toad and then see who cares for his "mean spirited" remarks - CROAK! he should be loving you and you him, he needs to get that into his toady brain!?? A man told me that a transsexual had nicer boobs than me the other day, it was said meanly and cruelly, but he genuinely believed he was right. Need I point out that he prefers fake to realness. I am a woman, I have boobs, my boobs are doing their thing as I get older, but I intend on going to Heaven and not to hell for putting faith in fakeness. (BTW, he then tried to have sex with me - can you comprehend the horror I felt?) My point being... you are not alone in your pain because of mean spirited people's remarks and actions! Bullying is so old and boring. Be clever, don't put up with It! I Won't!I've had the same done to me so many times by so many men because they are definitely mean spirited and it all started much like how your boyfriend is to you now, believe you me, it will probably get worst if you allow it too. Being mean spirited is what makes a person ugly, not a woman who cares for being nice and looking nice for herself and for her man and whoever else. There's nothing wrong with being and looking beautiful! God is Beautiful and God made the toads??!!Don't let him get into your head and make you feel horrible, that's a very un-attractive thing to do to somebody one is supposed to Love. I don't think your nature is horrible, but he's starting to make you see the ugliness in him by him being "mean SPIRITED"!So... it isn't all about the body my dear - you both need to recognise this, if he can't and he keeps on at you, then you know what to do. I genuinely hope your toad of a fat bellies boyfriend can turn into a Good man? I doubt it though...
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male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (6 June 2017):
Yes, to answer your question, he is insecure. Plus there are probably other underlying factors in his negativity. One thing is for sure...he is RUDE!!! Ask yourself: Can I put up with a person this rude for the rest of my life??? This would be a deal-killer for me, maybe not for you. You need to communicate to him that you don't put him down and you expect the same of him...that's very basic to a happy and healthy relationship.
If that doesn't change things, you'll have to make a decision. In the meantime, don't ask him for his opinions regarding your appearance...you are just inviting trouble.
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A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus  +, writes (6 June 2017):
 How come he has this critical eye for your "imperfections" but not his own?I call this ugly insecure man syndrome.(pretty self-explanatory) he landed a beautiful woman like you and now his confidence is through the roof. So his comments about landing a "better looking woman than you" doesn't surprise me at all. I know he genuinely feels that way.It might sound harsh but he needs a reality check. Either you remind him that he should appreciate you or he will keep on thinking his s**t doesn't stink. A friendly reminder that he isn't so perfect himself and you still appreciate him flaws and all is way overdue.It is for you to demand respect and I feel you should, you are a mature lady that puts a lot of effort in to looking good and mentioning a healthy body I would think this alone would lift up yourself esteem and make you feel more confident. But it doesn't sound like it at all. Other ways you wouldn't let anyone talk to you like that and you would know how laughable it sounds than an out of shape man who could possibly be in his late 40s mid 50s or even older, that such a man would compare his lady to a 20s year old woman, like he has a chance to get one but at all, and in fact next time he mentions it you should laugh.In your age range you are early 30s. You are in no way a "mature lady," you are still a young woman, you simply have more experience.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2017):
 You asked for it? Then there's the answer to why he says such things. I think if you have asked him once, you have probably asked before, and he is just accustomed to you wanting to hear his dead honest opinion about your body. It's become a habit to you as a couple, it would seem.
Look. Stop asking him to rate you like you were in some contest or wanting to win a prize. You already have him as your boyfriend, no need to compare yourself to the "competition". Besides, as all grow people know, a person is more than their mere body. A persons character is for most of us a very important factor in choosing a partner and in determining what we find sexy or not. Sexy is an attitude, not a body type.
Stop asking your boyfriend these things, and next time he comments on it just say "thanks for your opinion, but I have decided I don't care to hear these things any more. So would you be kind and not bring it up again?"
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (6 June 2017):
 He sounds like a complete arse to me. Damning you with faint praise due to his own insecurity. I would ignore him to be honest. The important thing is how you feel, not his rather unpleasant remarks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): He sounds insecure with himself, so is starting to knock you down so you become a plain jane, and he can feel safer that others won't be attracted to you.Possibly though, he watches too much porn and has a disgusting attitude, that being a man gives him a right to talk about your body as if it's his object. Whatever is going on, it doesn't sound healthy for a happy relationship. I wouldn't be happy with my husband comparing my body to other women - simply because he would have more respect towards me and women in general to value more than a body. I wouldn't say those things to anyone, let alone someone I cared about. While attraction is important, there is so much more to a relationship than scoring someone's body out of 10. I guess you sit down and talk about his inappropriate comments and see if he can realise the hypocrisy of comparing you to young women, when he's clearly no spring chicken himself. Ignore it or consider if you are both satisfied in the relationship and it has a future going forward.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2017):
 OP? If I were you I'd stop asking him to critique your body.
I'm guessing he IS trying to take you down a peg or two and most likely so he doesn't feel like a fat pregnant woman next to you.
YOU need to love YOU and how you look. Sure we all change after 30. Not always dramatically but we do. Not everything revolves around your looks.
If his "advice" and "criticism" is UNSOLICITED, then tell him to KEEP it to himself, that you are PERFECTLY happy with how you look. See what happens next.
The whole :"He joked that if he got a woman as gorgeous as me then he could probably do even better." THAT is really ridiculous and I have to say IF my partner said something like that I'd tell him, sure GO find someone BETTER than me...
You both seem to have an obsession over YOUR looks. He sees you as a trophy GF and you see yourself as the center of the universe to be worshiped for your looks. (or at least that is how you come across).
It's OK to be PROUD that you are an attractive and fit woman but IF that is all you have to offer, it's a little sad.
STOP depending on HIM (and/or other men) to constantly praise you. BE happy with HOW you look and WHO you are!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 June 2017):
 A bit of both.
On one hand, he is right. It is what is . You probably were a 10 in your 20's, and now that you are 30 you are a 9.5.I'd say you are lucky, if you keep losing "points" at this slow rythm, you'll still be a very attractive octuagenarian. It's a natural phenomenon that no amount of plastic surgery can totally stop or reverse. Girls in their 20's look different from women in their 50's, and from the point of view of merely EROTIC attraction, I don't think there's anything we can do but accept it graciously.
OTH, why this need to be remarked, unless in very specific contexts. For some women ( like you ? ) accepting that their " value " as an object of physical desire may decrease in time is really painful, so no need to twist the knife in the wound. And even for those who do not get upset at the idea of not being anymore " the fairest of them all "- still, it's not very chivalrous. " Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative " " If you can't say anything nice , dont say anything ". This type of stuff.
So , I guess the reason he does that is because he wants to take you down a peg, for either of the following reasons , or maybe both at the same time :
- he is much older than you, and not much in shape or very attractive. He knows that, and he knows that, from a physical appeal point of view only, he is not in your league. More or less consciously, he fears that your roving eye may fall on someone younger and fitter than him, and that you may get ideas , if not actually leaving him or cheating him. That's why he tries to remind you that, while still being very fit and attractive, you aren't all that and a bag of chips.
- he wants you to grow up a bit and think your age ; and stop being so obsessed with your looks, and to identify all your value as a person with your looks. So you are good looking : and ?.. Would you be a different person, would you loose all your qualities , would you become worthless if you got love handles or if your hair thinned ? And yes, there must be women who look better than you . If you are a 9 ( I take it that he gave you an estra half point because he sees you through the indulgent eyes of a bf :) that still means that 10% of the world female population looks better than you. 10 percent of 3.5 billions is 350 millions of women. A whole lot of women, isn'it ?. So deal with it and stop making such a song and dance about your beauty or about how you compare. It's not that important ! It's great that nature gave you generous gifts- but your whole life, thoughts and self image should not be all focused on that; it's boring. We are not JUST our bodies.
I guess you could say : but he is my man, and shouldn't he see me as the most beautiful woman in the whole world, whether this is factually true or not.
My personal answer is : of course not. They say that love is blind but I doubt that it can be THAT blind. Some things are objective, not subjective. If you are 5'3" , love won't make you 5'7". If you are a 32 A cup, love won't make you a busty DD. If you have a birtmark on your nose, he will still see it. It won't bother him, he won't mind, but he can see it, and see, that, say, Scarlett Johansson has no birthmark on her nose.
Someone in love does not become oblivious to our imperfections or personal characteristics. If you are blonde, he won't think that you are a brunette. If you got acne, he won't think you have the best skin in the world. He can SEE things,he can notice differences.
Quite simply, he, or she, won't care. He will find you attractive and appealing anyway , - even if so far, or ideally, his preferences always went to brunettes with flawless skin.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): I think it's perfectly normal for a woman to want to feel her partner finds her physically attractive . For many women this is as vital to their sexual arousal as an erection is to a man . If a man think joking about a woman not being as attractive to him as a porn star or younger woman is funny perhaps he is with the wrong woman
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male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (6 June 2017):
 I can't help but feel sorry for him , he is with you for more than just your looks , you ask if this dress looks nice on you and if he tells you it is not you are not happy , if your boobs look like they are hanging down in a dress you might need to change your bra or the style of dress not your BF , looks are not the most important thing in a woman her mind is , and while a 20 year old might be the 10 being a mother and still a 9.5 with a good sence of humer at 30 something is better
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 June 2017):
 P.S. Meant to add, sounds to me like the one with the insecurity problem is YOU, not him. I think he is just trying to get you to lighten up.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 June 2017):
Sweetheart, without sounding harsh, you need to grow up and stop fixating on your "perfect" body. There is more to life, more to relationships, more to being happy.
You are so fixated on how you look that you are hurt if your boyfriend rates your body 9.5 out of 10 because you think he should give you a perfect 10. You are so fixated that you feel hurt if he tells you an item of clothing doesn't look good on you. You are so fixated, you are hurt that he (realistically and honestly if brutally) tells you that you no longer have the body of a 20 year old.
This man is probably fed up of having you looking to him for affirmation of your beauty all the time. No wonder he jokes about finding someone better!
I don't think the problem is his at all. It is all yours and how YOU see yourself. Stop asking him to tell you how perfect you are and just enjoy your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): Let me guess ? He watches porn right ! Typical . It seems all menThese days measure women against never aging childless eighteen year old ( if that !!! ) bodies of these porn bimbos they are all obsessed with.Honestly , what are you doing with this loser ? Why ask him ! And if he offers such derogatory remarks tell him to go find his little bimbos and go find yourself a man who only has eyes for you and finds a mature woman's body more attractive than a girl who hasn't even lived yet Good luck
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