A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm 17 going on 18 and I am a little confused about my feelings towards a guy. In a nut shell, we've been friends for a while, things got flirty, he hung out a few times, I lost my virginity to him, we decided to stay friends to avoid things getting complicated. Thing is, things are complicated in my mind. To go back, I've had a thing for him for a while but didn't want to ruin our friendship or make things awkward, so I kept the feelings to myself, which was frustrating at times, yet then other times I was just glad to be at the stage we were. Like we could be ourselves around each other and the flirting just came naturally at this point. We'd never really been alone just the two of us before, there had always been others around but we decided to give it a go. We hung out just the two of us a couple of times before we had sex. The thing here is, I didn't have sex with him because I thought he'd like me more, or because I thought I had to. I made it clear that I didn't want to have sex with him, so we would just make out etc, and he gathered that this was because I had some feelings for him beyond friendship. I did what I'm really good at and lied to him, that I didn't have feelings for him like that but I just wasn't ready to have sex full stop. Well I don't know if I would call it a lie, I somehow managed to actually convince myself that I was over him and just wanted to be friends. I honestly thought that I was, and to be honest I really wanted to have sex with him, I've been sexually attracted to him for almost our entire friendship and I just really "wanted" him, so I "got over him" and we had sex. He kept saying that we didn't have to do anything - I mean he was already focussing on pleasuring me in other ways - but I reassured him that I didn't like him like that and that it was no big deal. It wasn't and it was a big deal. Wasn't because I was completely sure that I wanted to have sex at that time. Was it because I've always wanted to wait for someone to say "I love you" and mean it before losing my virginity, but that is no longer an option.I don't regret my first time, because I mean we used protection, and it was with someone i trusted. I had control over the situation and how it played out which I'm happy about. But on the other hand, I'm not over him, I've realised that now. I don't think the sex changed anything, I think I have always had feelings deep down, and when I thought they'd gone I was just in denial. Also, our friendship hasn't changed, which I'm glad about. There is no awkwardness, we still flirt and get on just like before. I mean I think my feelings for him have began to fade but they are just still there and I don't want them to be. They say that sex brings you closer to somebody, but in this case, I feel about him the way I did before we had sex, the feelings have not gotten stronger they have just become clearer to me.If I am making sense, some advice would be great :) thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): This is a first-time experience; and you are very young experimenting with sex. Girls, more than boys, will become more emotionally-attached to the sex. It is pretty common.
You can't call him a friend, and still want to have sex with him. You basically used the friendship to find-out what sex is like. You used him as your guinea-pig or lab rat. You only wanted to lose your virginity. At your age, your mind is not mature enough to tell the difference between actually liking him in a romantic-way; or if you just like what sex feels like. You'll fixate on the person you shared your first experience, in most cases. Love has nothing to do with it.
I think you need to mature more; so your mind is developed enough to keep-up with your hormones, and what your body is doing.
You don't say he feels the same as you do. At his age, if a girl offers him sex; he'll take it. Then he's going to see another girl he likes, and he isn't feeling that committed to you. You're just a friend. He's just a kid, and feelings really don't run but so deep at your age. They can change in a matter of weeks.
That's the problem with bringing sex into friendship. Things get complicated. Feelings get confused. Especially for girls your age.
I think you need to slow it down. I suspect you've written here before; and I recognize the writing-style and a few things that give me clues. Some extra things were added to justify your actions and to make you appear smarter; so you won't be advised against too much sexual-activity at your age. You are too young, and you're venturing into territory best explored when you're older.
If he had sex with you, that doesn't mean he has romantic feelings for you. So what will you do when you tell him how you feel, but he still only wants to be friends? he may not want you for his girlfriend, but doesn't mind having sex.
Then what?
See how much more complicated it is? You think you'll run here and get a crash-course and fast-forward to adult-hood. It doesn't work like that. Your mind still needs time to develop an understanding of things, and you can't bypass that process by coming here. We will guide and advise you, but we can't substitute for your parents. We're not where you come to get advice to do things behind their backs.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 June 2017):
 Cindy's right; a friend is only a friend if you don't have romantic/sexual feelings for them.You wouldn't have wanted to have sex with him if you were over him - bear that in mind in the future. Adults struggle with FWBs, so teenagers struggle even more! Sex is automatically complicated for most people - even those who do it frequently often end up with one or two they get feelings for. It's not something to mess around with, especially at an age where any sex should be within a loving relationship, not thrown around like it's nothing.Flirting complicates things in friendships where you've crossed the line. Your feelings are still not clear to you or you probably wouldn't be asking for advice.What exactly would you like advice on? Most friendships are supposed to be like some level of family. Somewhere between close family or just family you occasionally talk to - either way, no sexual conduct. Some people can flirt with friends, but only ones they've never had any feelings for. Once feelings have been involved, the dynamics have changed and you can't pretend nothing happened.Your friendship, as it was, is over. You do still have feelings for him, so either tell him or start distancing yourself so that you can heal. If one person in a friendship has feelings for the other, a friendship won't work because it's not platonic any more.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2017):
 That's why having sex with a friend sounds good in theory... and in practice never works :)
because a friend for whom you have romantic / erotic feelings ( at least, enough to go to bed with him ) is NOT a friend: he is, in the back of your mind, a potential lover.
A male friend is like your brother , just born in another family. You wouldn't think of having sex with your brother, no matter how good looking he is or how dearly you love him.
But when he does not feel like a brother, when there are sexual undercurrents- then trouble is ahead :) Because it comes natural to want MORE. It's like you are invited to a scrumptious meal in a fancy restaurant- but then you are asked to , or you have to , leave after the appetizer. That might have been the initial agreement, willingly accepted- appetizer only , then you go - but then you are left with a sense of unfulfillment and of longing for all the other delicacies that you are missing out.
Anyway, this can be fixed. As other posters say, tell him. If you are good friends, it should not be such a big deal, in fact you should be able to be open and sincere about your feelings. Otherwise what kind of " friendship " it is , if it is based on keeping secrets ? Tell him that you have changed your mind, or that you were confused , or that you chickened because you feared rejection- or whatever. Anyway, just tell him. Maybe he would not mind giving a try to being in a relationship with you and he did not pursue it because you were so adamant that you did not want one. Maybe he did not consider the possibility, but he would , knowing that you are interested ( after all, he likes you physycally. Half of the work is done, and half of the rejection fear is disposed of ).
And if he says no ? Then, you respect his decision, ( after all, he did not force you or manipulate you or lied to you just to have sex , right ? ) and try to be a good sport and to not take it too personally. Then, if you can deal with going back to your normal friendly relationship, good . But if you need to back off and cut contact for a while ( tbh, I can't see how all the flirting would go on so breezily, now that you have clarity about your feelings ) to lick your wounds and really, really get over him- if he is a good guy he will understand and give you space, to hopefully resume contacts when you are ready.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 June 2017):
 Im not a fan of not telling people how you feel.
It's obvious that you like him more than a friend and I think you're trying to deny it and convince yourself that you don't.
What if he feels the same and you could both be wanting a relationship but it never happens because you're both too scared to say it? Obviously there's a chance you both may not feel the same, but would you rather wonder what if than take the leap?
Do you think you'd be okay if he told you he has started to date someone? I'm not sure you would be, then you'd be kicking yourself for not being honest.
If you like him, TELL HIM. Life is too short to not tell people how you truly feel about them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2017):
 Your situation is not unusual. This is something that most of us experience during our lifetime. Not knowing fully how we feel about someone, or what exactly we want. Whether a relationship is it, or if maybe staying friends is better. The idea of what you want, and the thing you actually need, can often be two very different things. If you truly are in love, then tell him. If you dont know how you feel about him, then maybe you just want to be in love because you had sex?
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