A
female
age
51-59,
*amurai girl
writes:I sincerely appreciate the response of men to this topic. However, I am always discouraged because it ultimately ends with the conclusion 'it's normal' and/or guys will become addicted no matter what. I really want men to GET what porn CAN say to the women in your life and why that causes her to withdraw emotionally and sexually.I am in a new relationship with a man who is a really good guy and is very good to me - willing to discuss any issues we (I) have, compromise and change. The willingness to change goes both ways btw, so...LOL!I used to look at porn a lot when I was younger, but it's something I 'outgrew.' I am by no means a prude and we have a very healthy sexual relationship. He had a subscription to 'Playboy' and viewed online porn before he met me. He has been upfront with me and I sincerely appreciate that. He says the online porn he looks at now are of women who resemble me. He would definitely prefer me to looking at a mag or being online. He really is "normal."We don't live together and because of our jobs, we don't see each other every day. I'm not so stupid as to think he wouldn't need to masturbate ever, or look at other other women. His viewing habits aren't excessive or obsessive.But, his 'Playboy' mags do irritate me. When I am at his house is it too much to ask that I not have to see it? He doesn't leave them lying around like the newspaper. But, he may have the current issue in the guest bathroom magazine rack when I go over. How would YOU GUYS feel if your partner left out her copy of 'Playgirl' when you were around? Would it make you feel like wanting to be sexual or even interact with her? If you really thought about it, would you appreciate your gf openly looking at these guys who are YOUNGER, HOTTER AND BIGGER than you are and she makes a conscious decision and effort to look at them?I'm not his mother and I don't expect him to stop his subscription or not look at porn. But I do expect to not have to look at it if I don't want to even if it's his house. Am I asking too much?A part of me feels like I want some sort of comeuppance. I want him to 'get' what seeing that mag says to me because I don't think if I actually SAID those words to him, he'd appreciate it very much -- "I LIKE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF NAKED MEN WHO ARE NOT YOU. I love you and it has nothing to do with you, but I like to do it."Another part of me just wants to let it be, even though I am having a hard time. I am at a point where I am trying to work on restoring positive feelings for him because this seems like a small thing considering. Yet, it's a COMPLETE turn off when I analyze it.Please advise and thanks so much!
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male
reader, Chief524 +, writes (23 February 2009):
If it is just Playboy, relax. I have subscribed to playboy for over 2 years. Playboy is not a porn mag. I don't even think he masturbate with a Playboy. Playboy is the male version of Cosmo. I know you wont believe me but we only look at the pictures once. The first thing we do is find the hidden playboy bunny on the cover. Then we read the raw data page. After that, the jokes. (the jokes are on the center fold but we don't unfold it yet.) We go back the front and see if any articles entrust us. If so, we read them. I'm sorry to say but the last thing we do is go back and look at the pictures. We put the mag down and never look at it again. But for some reason we can't throw them away. I know you might not like seeing a Playboy, but it is just like him seeing a Cosmo in your bathroom
A
female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (12 February 2009):
samurai girl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Anonymous & Tomas, you have really helped me tremendously and I am grateful to you - and to everyone who answered my question.
I think *I* finally understand why the Playboys irritate me. One day we were talking about where we liked to be touched & areas of the body on the opposite sex that we really like. If I must say so myself (and this has been verified by independent sources :-) I have very nice cleavage & breasts. He says he isn't a breast man. BUT he has a subscription to a tittie rag.
Initially, he paid attention to that area a lot because he knew I enjoyed it, but now I'm lucky to get an accidental brush. To me, this says two things: 1) he's a liar because although there are images of the entire female body in PB it's essentially a tittie rag & he apparently likes looking at breasts, 2) he just doesn't like looking at mine & I have to look at a magazine that reinforces the fact that he does like breasts.
If I said, "I really like looking at penises, but I don't like looking at or touching yours even though you like it..." how would that go over? Essentially, that is what I'm hearing about my breasts.
THIS is the crux of the problem. He thinks I don't like him looking at porn. That's not it at all. He could look at those pictures all day every day for all I care. At this point, I don't even feel motivated to engage him about this because I think the toothpaste is out of the tube and there is nothing he can do or say to make it right for me.
How do I stop feeling so miserable?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Tomas that was a brilliantly detailed answer and I wish more women could take it on board, in the spirit and honest assessment with which it was given. Men are not women, and the way they think about things and look at things are slightly different, especially as you say, where sex is involved. Thank you for sharing your experiences on this board.Samurai girl, you have been perfectly fair in your request that your boyfriend keep his magazines and porn video's out of your sight. Unlike many women, you accept that it is something he enjoys looking at, you don't suggest that he stop. But to ask that you don't see it, is very fair, considering the amount of women who hate it and would be crying if they ever found out their partner liked looking at naked women.You have also been very honest in your assessment that his love making is inadequate and not satisfactory for you. I don't know about the other problems in your relationship, but a bad lover is easy to retrain. Once a week, or once a month, depending on how much sex you have, you must ask for a special day just for you. On that day, you take control. If he is too quick, then slow him down. Use chocolate, massages, ice, dress up in sexy clothes, anything to bring fun back into sex and take the focus away from penetration. On this day, you take control, if he moves to fast, then tell him he's not allowed to move at all, or can only move when you tell him too. Or get up and stop, right in the middle of sex, until he cools down, and then simply start again. To quote Tomas, treat the guy like a naughty dog, if he wants to climax, then he will have to follow your commands and make sure that you find pleasure first. Hope this helps honeypie.. Get him to hide the magazines, and then get back control in the bedroom. He won't know what pleases you best, unless you show him. Don't criticize, just play a new game, where he is forced to make love to you in the way that suits you best. Good luck, use your imagination and make your fantasies reality with this guy. Bad lovers can be retrained.
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A
female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (12 February 2009):
samurai girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTomas, thank you for your very detailed & profound answer. I sincerely appreciate it. It was very well-thought out and has given me incredible food for thought.
I have no hang ups about my sexuality or his & have viewed more porn than he probably ever has (when I was younger, I was REALLY adventurous - I was a lot like a guy & just wanted the pleasure). And I know for a fact that I've done things he's only seen photo or videos of - LOL! I just outgrew it for lack of a better characterization.
I think this issue is really a symptom of larger issues I have with HIM because many of the things I like about him are also the things I hate & I fear that we are incompatible in general.
When I shared that I was looking at a copy of a similar magazine for women, he said what you said, "I'm glad you're thinking about sex." And he shared that he's confident in his abilities. Well, I didn't want to roundhouse kick his confidence, but when I look at photos or watch videos now, I am not thinking about him; I am thinking about past lovers, men I am attracted to now, but don't act on, or some guy I saw in the grocery store, or just my pleasure. His abilities leave me cold because I am disconnecting from him emotionally & sexually. With younger men especially, it seems that porn has taught them how two speeds - fast & jackhammer. There is no technique. But, I do care about him deeply because he is thoughtful and kind. However, I'm tired of being resentful and don't want to appear controlling. I fear we are doomed all because of me.
Again, thank you very much!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): i dont think its normal and healthy and good for guys to look at porn i think its stupid and disgusting and pathetic for sad people who live in a fantasy world and cant fully enjoy the real stuff.me and my bf are 18 and we both hate porn and definitely dont need it! :D
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A
male
reader, lovelynightmare +, writes (12 February 2009):
 No it isn't unreasonable. If he's going to have other women in picture form, he shouldn't leave easy reminders everywhere.
And personally, I too am discouraged by the "it's normal" and "oh, they're just guys" shtick.
lovelynightmare
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (12 February 2009):
samurai girl,
This is a really interesting question. I was completely with you until you asked the question of, how would you feel if your partner left Playgirls around? ... and my immediate reaction was "wow that would be great" ... and I think something in that reaction is probably going to be helpful if I talk it through.
So why would I think it would be very inconsiderate for me to leave pornography lying around, but not be the least offended if she did?
I guess I have different assumptions about her general mindset when it comes to sex than mine. For me, if she jumped me five times a day when I was trying to work or watch TV or sleep, that would be great. So if I saw pornography of hers lying around, I think my immediate interpretation would be that she is thinking about sex a lot, even when I am not around. Further, by leaving/making it visible to me, I'd feel that she is very comfortable with her sexuality and/or is signaling her sexual appetite to me. The upshot is that visible pornography would her signal sexual interest in me (since she lets me see it).
But what about the fact that the naked men are not me? That wouldn't threaten me provided they were strangers (as they would be in the case of pornography). Now, if she were looking at sexually explicit pictures/movies of a former lover alone or with her as a couple, that would be threatening to me. I would assume that where she is going emotionally while masturbating is somewhere specific with a real specific person, rather than merely fuel for generic fantasies or fantasies about me. That would cross a line for me emotionally.
Given all that, why would I not be comfortable leaving copies of Playboy around?
Well for one I had a fight with my wife early in our relationship when I went along with some coworkers on a business trip to a strip club. My wife and I had always shared jokes about naughty stuff, and though I was nervous going (hadn't been before and wasn't particularly interested, but was in the cab with them already) it never occurred to me that my wife would feel threatened. So when I called her the next day and said "you'll never believe where we went after dinner" I was expecting something along the lines of "omg, really? was it really seedy? what were the girls like? were the guys' tongues hanging out?" etc. I never expected that should would be hurt and jealous, and I too felt hurt to suddenly feel so untrusted. So it was a very bad experience, and that probably colored my outlook to this day.
But leaving that aside, I think for my wife (and maybe most women generally?) there is something ... not exactly threatening ... but something about sex that isn't the kind of pure unadulterated fun of going down a twisty-slide as a child, that sex is to most guys. I hate to use the dog analogy, but if I try to think about what the idea of sex is like for guys, one of the closest things I can think of is how a pet dog reacts when you come home and go to feed him. Pure joy and excitement. Sexual imagery is like laughter, pure pleasure. And not threatening in and of itself unless there is someone involved in it who is a real person who really could present a threat.
Maybe, it's like the difference between seeing your spouse laughing a joke told by a comic on television, versus laughing at a joke told by an ex over drinks at a bar. The latter is threatening. The former is just enjoyment of something pleasurable, independent of any emotional connection to the person telling the joke.
I digress.
I feel that if a woman walks into an apartment (say of her partner) and sees sexual imagery, it takes her to a place that is not trampolines and cotton candy and sports cars and hot air balloons. In the women I've known, there is some element of a defensive reaction to the unexpected introduction of sexuality. I could try to psychoanalyze it in some generic form as learned protective responses against rape/assault/pregnancy, or cultural roles as the one being chased rather than chasing. But honestly I don't know or relate to it. Seeing a sexual image isn't the same as hearing a laugh to a woman (generally speaking). If she's in the mood, maybe it is. But walking into an apartment, or sitting in the guest bathroom, you generally won't be in the mood. Women have to be in the mood for it to sound like a laugh. Otherwise it's a cackle, or a scream. Not like that at all for me, but I know it is for her. And I respect that.
So as a guy, I have learned to be sensitive to a complicated set of mixed feelings about sex in women. In much the same way that you learn to be careful talking about religion to some people, or politics, or eating a hamburger in front of your vegan friends, as a guy you learn that sex is complicated for women, that it can be threatening especially outside of an emotional context (being in the mood), and so like a child who learns not to run and shout in stores, guys learn to rein in their sexuality around women.
Otherwise a woman you love feels inadequate for no reason, and you feel mistrusted for no reason.
Hope that explanation is of some use to you.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 Yes its normal to look at porn stuff, online or mags as guys are very visual but yes i think it would be very reasonable for you to ask him to just keep it/them away from you. you are not asking him to stop his little hobby you are just asking him to show you respect and not "rub it in your face' that he does look at that stuff. just talk to him in a calm way and tell him you understand why he likes that but you wish that he keeps it to himself. good luck hun:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): It's good that you understand that guys look at porn and its GREAT that you have accepted it. What your asking for is not too much, I can understand how it would bother you. I'm not sure what kind of guy he is but if he does care about you he'll just put it out of sight until you leave. It's not a big deal at all. My ex girlfriend used to get mad at me for having a Maxim calendar on the wall next to my bed, so I just moved it to the other side of the room, not that that's a big deal either.
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A
female
reader, Nalabear +, writes (12 February 2009):
If he really cares about you then he'd put them away before you visit since you asked him to. It's not that hard to shove them under the bed.
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