A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Curious - I've been with my boyfriend for a few weeks now. We've discussed sex and all. I told him I wasn't ready yet. He was understanding but said 'I still have my needs'. He asked that I agree to at least BJ's. I didn't say anything at first. But eventually caved in. Is he being reasonable? Do all men think this way? He's not forcing me or anything, but I feel I need to give him SOMETHING to keep him interested. Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (12 February 2009):
It is reasonable for him to state what he thinks he needs from a relationship. That's not the same as saying it is reasonable for him to expect these things from you.Only he knows whether a potential partner's sexual style is a deal-breaker for him. If he is not going to be able (or want to do the work) to be happy in a relationship that is not very sexually active, then it's good that he makes that clear.There's a fine line between that and pressuring, though, and it is good to recognize it. It is the difference between saying what he wants and needs, and what you should do. It can be tough to be in a relationship with someone who knows what they want, if you want something different. It requires you to be just as clear and forceful about what you need. Otherwise, you may end up feeling bullied.And of course, some people *are* bullies.It may be worth thinking, for example, if you sense the difference between you two is how quickly you get to the sexual part of a relationship (how much trust, emotion must be there), or how big a part of an ongoing relationship sexuality should be. If the difference is more how you get there, that may be worth telling him. If the difference is in the destination, the sooner you both recognize that, the better.And neither answer is right. It's about compatibility, not right or wrong. There are plenty of people here who despair of perverted or frigid partners. Dating is about finding a good match.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): I think the real question is if you're ready for any kind of sexual performance. If you aren't, I would hope that you didn't do it because you're afraid of him losing interest. The reason would be because you WANT to. If you don't want to do it, then DON'T.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Many people will probably respond and say it is very unreasonable to expect that BUT he is a human male and he is going to want sex, at least in some form or another.
What he is technically saying, I think, is that he needs sex and isn't interested in living without it. It isn't really a matter of keeping him interested, it is a matter of doing something sexual because he can't cope without it.
If you see this as a bad quality then maybe he's not the guy for you. As a guy I can fully understand his perspective.
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