A
female
age
41-50,
*ittlesuziepie
writes:Hi I have a psychological question. I think. First is it a mistake to try and make someone see things about them selves? If they aren't ready? They deny it totally?I am trying to prove to a very imature friend that he is a mommas boy. And he has never been through enough struggle yet to not throw temper tantrums when things don't go his way. I am telling him this way. Let's work on something about you that you don't see and let's figure out why you are this way. And maybe once you recognize this about your self maybe you can identify this and stop it. So I say. Your not able to deal with stressful situations because you were sheltered and so on. He says no way! Angry. Your wrong. I say. Ok well let me explain why I think this. At the age of 25 your living with your parents. Buying cars and motor cycles are more important than moving out. Also any special occation your mom buys your outfit you don't even go pick it out. She does your laundry. Buys special foods for you. And so on. I add that its not a bad thing. Most American familys are this way. And other countries as well. That's the reason they are called mommas boys. I say its not his fault but if he puts a stop to it then its fine. I also say. Look mom and dad paid 4 college. They support you now. They make sure what you need and want is provided. Also not your fault but maybe this is why when you drive off the wrong exit on the highway you throw a fit. Yell and pound things. You call me who is at work to yell to me about it as it was my fault. This my dear is no coping skills and all of the reasons may be big players in the why you are. But by the end of the conversation I am told that I have no clue and I am just insulting and demeaning his manhood. Which makes me laugh and I say. One who can not accept things of them selves can never grow and change these things. Since you can not change what you do not accept as fact. So is it wrong of me to try and help this person to grow into a mature calm person who has the skills to be successful rather than self destructive? I watched this person loose 2 great jobs. Careears because he thought he didn't like one thing about the job and desieved to do something he loved at his young age. Which I say is bull because if it pays the bills and more and isn't harmfull to you then relax. Deal with it for now and figure out what would be what you want. Also adding the fact that 90 percent of people do not love their jobs. Especially fresh out of school. Should I step back and give up? Thing is he wants to be with me in a relationship but I can not be with someone so selfish and imature. And he has some good qualities which I do point out but he is so sheltered that he won't see things about him self. And maybe I am just selfish for trying to help him or change him at all. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, abbeymom  +, writes (3 September 2008):
 Reply to your second post...
You really are doing the right thing and I'm glad you can see that. It's not nice to even think about hurting someone we care about. I am the type who absolutely hates hurting anyone. I'd rather beg forgiveness than fight because life is too short.
However, I've also learned that "being selfish" sort of us is the only way to love proper. What I mean by that is you have to care for yourself first, what you think and feel is important. If you love yourself. You can love other people. Loving them to make them happy never works. You will always be going against yourself and be unhappy yourself.
He will grow and mature. Or maybe he won't. The best you can do is be his friend and move on and find a MAN "man" to fullfill your relationship needs.
I wish you the best of luck hun.
~ Abbey mom
A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (30 August 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Abbysmom. You have a great point. This is exactly why he becomes upset. Thing is he is asking me please love me. Please be with me. Why don't you want to be with me? Why did you like me before but now you don't seem interested?
That is why we talked about the things I don't find attractive about him. I also said we have such a good friendship and like a lot of the same things and if you only could mature by stopping this behavior then we could be together. I am afraid to hurt him so I can't bring myself to say no no were not going to work. And I know now I have to do this.
Your right. I can't expect to change him. I can't allow myself to be unhappy in a relationship just to make him happy. It will hurt him more in the end. I know I sounded mean and condecending in my first post but trust me I was being as gentil as I could with that conversation. Even when I realized he was taking it the wrong way I backed off. But he did ask for it.
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A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (30 August 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbbysmom. You have a great point. This is exactly why he becomes upset. Thing is he is asking me please love me. Please be with me. Why don't you want to be with me? Why did you like me before but now you don't seem interested? That is why we talked about the things I don't find attractive about him. I also said we have such a good friendship and like a lot of the same things and if you only could mature by stopping this behavior then we could be together. I am afraid to hurt him so I can't bring myself to say no no were not going to work. And I know now I have to do this. Your right. I can't expect to change him. I can't allow myself to be unhappy in a relationship just to make him happy. It will hurt him more in the end. I know I sounded mean and condecending in my first post but trust me I was being as gentil as I could with that conversation. Even when I realized he was taking it the wrong way I backed off. But he did ask for it.
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A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (29 August 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAh yes. Thank you. I knew I would get some great feed back. Thanks a million times. I know that not everyone is this way. Not every mother does this to their sons. I know there is a very self sufficient...mentally stable man awaiting my presence out there. And I can't wait 2 meet him. This guy may be very sweet to me most times but his child like behavior is very much a turn off. I understand I can't change what his mother has done the past 26 years. I will let it lie and end the thoughts of something with him. He seems very detached from his feelings. Never intimate or sincear. I wonder if that is a result of his mother as well. I feel like we are on different levels of life. Maybe he likes me so much because he sees a very mature and stable woman that can fill the shoes of his mother. Thanks friends. I am going to save my free mental health advise for someone that really can accept it.
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A
female
reader, abbeymom +, writes (29 August 2008):
We don't try to change people we wish to love. And I don't get the feeling you love him, sorry. I understand you care. But it sounded more to me and I might be wrong as though you were being condescending to him, treating him as though you know so much more than him because of the situation he is in, living at home with parents, all they do, how he behaves and so forth. Which might be true, but you are older right? And you are a woman right? Well women always mature faster than men do, and life experience plays a part in that as well.Let's look at the situation. He's 25 you say. Mmmm most boys (and I say) boys because men are not men at 25 years old. Don't have the foggiest idea what life is about. They are too busy going from job to job, finding themselves, living life and trying not to be serious unless the situation they are in calls for it.You said to him...Let's work on something about you that you don't see and let's figure out why you are this way. And maybe once you recognize this about your self maybe you can identify this and stop it.If you did in fact say it to him this way, no wonder he's getting angry. That's like saying to a child, mommy needs to show you how to behave properly because we don't behave this way, there is something wrong with your behavior therefore something wrong with you. If he wants to be in a relationship with you it's not nice when you are sounding like a mother.You can't change him either. Putting him down for all his bad habits, bad life experiences, tantrums as you call it will only make him angrier. Each of us has to face our road on our own.What gets me most is you come across saying you have watched him struggle. Watching him do these things like call you at work to bitch and so forth. Why on earth would you as a 30 year old woman wish to be in a relationship with someone who is not yet ready for what you want? Why don't you find a man in your mature bracket and go forward and just be this persons friend?And by doing that you can do a few things. When he calls upset to bitch as you say. Listen. I mean really listen to why he's angry. You might get to the root of the problem instead of just thinking he's a mama's boy.How he was raised is not an excuse for his behavior, there's another reason for it. Spoiled kids don't act spoiled because they are spoiled. They want attention and aren't getting it for whatever reason and aren't feeling loved for whatever reason.Just tell him that straight up as a friend. "People don't act this way. I cannot continue my friendship with you if you continue to act this way because it's not what I wish to be around." And then you move on and let him find his way on his own.He might and he might not. But trust me you cannot change him. He has to want to change, and love himself, see himself on his own terms before that will happen.Good luck!~ Abbeymom
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A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Hi Love
I think his frustration is partly to do with it but he doesnt no as he has been programed by mum..This is and will be difficult for him, Yes its great that he can go and buy all these expencive things and not worry about anything of course it is life is sweet, But he doesnt realise this is why he gets angry as he has no life skills no real independence..You are right sweetheart but I dont think he will ever see it this way untill he has taken that step of looking after himself. I have a 24yr old friend just like this, His parent enable him to do nothing they dont see it like this and he doesnt see it this way but he goes home to lobster for tea plonks himself down and has the remote and does in that house whatever he chooses..Apart from his own washing his own cooking his own dishes and even down to cleaning his own room...My children live with me, My mum is very much the same with them NOT ME!!!!I wont cook for them sometimes I do both my boys can cook and clean infact I pay one of them to clean as he does it better than any woman I no..So he may as well get the money, I want my children to be able to survive even though they are still here. And they can they have both moved out the elder has problems but he can survive the outside world and do everything he needs without the help of a woman..Infact Ive got to really good cooks there! But if they are brought up with everything done then of course its second nature and its not going to be easy hunny I have brought the boys up just the same as my daughter as I believe just cause there lads doesnt mean they dont need the skills of taking care of a home and family but not all mums do it that way love we all have our own way of doing things..YOU TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (29 August 2008):
 it sounds like you are doing all you can to try and help him see things the way they are. it's not really your place to push him further. you cannot change people!! as a friend you are giving him your point of view. now it is up to him to listen. if he can't handle it now, it isn't your problem. one day he will come to terms with the way things are.
as for the relationship, it is quite obvious you and he see on different levels and are in different places. i think entering into a relationship who is driving you a little nuts would be a very bad idea!
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