A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am dating this guy he is a friend who has loved me for years. I love him as a person but am not sexually attracted to him. I have a list of reasons for staying and a list for leaving I want people's opinions:staying:He really likes me and with a lot of effort I could possibly grow to like him as much as he likes me. I've known him for years but we have known each other on and off if I spend a lot of time with him my feelings may change.I want a child and he wants to have childrenWe are very similar (some of the same music and book tastes, both left wing and non religious)I might find someone I am very into sexually but they don't love me anywhere near as much or they might be a nasty piece of work.There are a number of people I know about that never loved their husbands and they grew to like them.I am 35 and I may never find someone I feel sexually attracted to as I rarely feel sexual attraction for anyone. I may let go of someone who is right for me.When we kiss its always been awkward but it is a slight turn on I just have never felt the burning desire to sleep with him. But at least I feel something. Maybe its a self esteem issue and I am not interested because he is.I find him physically but not sexually attractive, but maybe sexual attraction can grow from physical attractive. My mum thinks I should stay with him and reminds me that this is the best chance I have of having a kid and that another man like him might not coming along. leaving:I miss him sometimes when we are apart but I never get the feeling that I really, really want to see him. He tells me he can't bear for us to be apart.I had sex with him because I really want us to be a couple, it was only nice it wasn't satisfying (however maybe if we worked on it, it could becoming satisfying).I worry that he will always like me a lot more. I already feel very guilty. I've thought about splitting up with him because of it. I have heard of people who have married men who they've not been sexually attracted to and been deeply unhappy and also had to work through it with counselling or who've had affairs.
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female
reader, liveasyoudream  +, writes (16 June 2017):
I think you know. And it might be hard because you'd like to be in a relationship, you'd like that intimacy, and you'd like to have children.
But if you're honest with yourself, you know the answer to your question. I'd advice you to go with that: even if it's hard, you're staying true to yourself. To me, that has been the most rewarding in life. Even if it means feeling the sadness, loneliness, all of it.
Lots of warmth for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): You're settling if you stay with him. And both you and he have to be ok with that and commit. You can't years later say you've met another guy who you passionately love and look at this relationship in disdain. You commit to him now and you treat each other the best you can. You compromise and work together on issues, including sex.I know two couples where the women were like you, saw their men as companions but weren't sexually attracted to their men... And both relationships have turned out to be a mess. One couple has been together for seven years now and he is miserable and he has given up, is not so nice and refuses to do things, and she is on pins and needles that he will leave any day now. That's the trouble with settling... its hard to commit and be kind and generous if you don't feel satisfied, and if he doesn't feel satisfied.
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A
female
reader, Heartlove  +, writes (12 June 2017):
Wow first are your hormones in balance as that has a lot to do with sex drive.Not being atttracted to him from the get go is concerning because the intense sexual attraction. Will usually diminish over time and the commitment Phase settles in. He sounds like a keeper as he loves youSo much! I would go to a counselor who is also An expert in sexual consultation etc to hear Their take... it's nothing they haven't heard.You can only answer your question but I feelYou need some advice from an objective personTo make the rift decision.... sex in a marriage is 20 %when it good And 100 percent when it's not.. if that makes sense.Hope my answer makes sense and helps. You sounds like a lovely young lady with a great heart.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2017):
 No. Let him go.
1 ) Isn't your dilemma quite selfish ? You are not in love with this guy and you are not physically attracted to him, but you'd marry him because you really want a child and it's sort of late in the day ( not as late as you think, but that's another story ): And... what about the poor guy ? Doesn't he deserve a balanced, mutual relationship, where his passion is requited, where HE is the prize, and not the mean to get to the prize ( the baby ) ? Or, if he is damn unlucky and can't find this kind and relationshop, doesn't he at least deserve the dignity of singletude, without being put in the indecorous and eventually painful position of one who loves like crazy a woman who graciously let him love her , just because it is more practical for reaching her goals ?
2 ) Never underestimate the power and the importance of chemistry and physical compatibility. While per se these things are clearly not enough to build a relationship and to make it last- the problem is that the same holds true, even more, for emotional/intellectual compatiblity. You just , alas, , need BOTH. If you are compatible, but not attracted ,... you'll have a friend , or a roommate , not a husband. Yes, sure, the honeymoon phase ends, sure at 50 desire may take a backsit to companioniship, sure at 70 or 8o companionship... it's all that's left .): YET, I believe that the man you choose as your spouse ( and hopefully for life ! ) should feel , and should look to you, and should give you vibes of ,something very different than any decent male friend or coworker.
Staying married, cohabitating, compromising, raising a family, are hard challenges and you will not win them with " compatibility " and amicability only, or liking the same movies. It takes something more, something less definible, almost magical... it takes that you are special to each other ALSO as a physical being, not just as a good friend, and this irrational, chemical element, with a bit of luck , stays there even when two people aren't even physically capable of having intercourse ! , and it's the best glue to keep thing together.
You sounds already, well, bored, although appreciative, even before starting !- I think that you are going to NOT be happy with this guy , and also, are going to make him unhappy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 June 2017):
 I am a firm believer that people settle down with the person who is around when they are READY to settle down, and this man is here at that time in your life.
No relationship comes with guarantees and you never know what is round the corner. The fact that you like him as a person is a good foundation for a long term relationship. Sexual attraction, while wonderful and heady, tends to lose its appeal if you are not compatible in other ways with your partner and if they are not a nice person.
You may never meet someone who is available and who you really feel attracted to again. HOWEVER, you may meet someone tomorrow who turns your head. It is a risk we take when committing to anyone.
Also, have you given consideration to the possibility that one or other of you may not be able to have children? What will happen to your relationship then?
Not an easy one. I wish you all the best in your decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): I don't agree with the others on here ....by the sounds of if your not highly sexed about anyone so if that's the way you are and he's OK with it go for it ... there are relationships out there that as full of sexual attraction but not for filling in other ways ... the question is are you happy to be with him as you are forever or do you crave more ???? Just do small things like hold hands kiss ...swinging off the chandeliers does not equal love ....
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 June 2017):
 *and staying with someone you're not attracted to in all areas is not reasonable or fair.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2017): IMO it can be morally acceptable to stay with someone that you are not sexually attracted to. But it is immoral to do it while pretending to be attracted to the person. If they don't know the truth then it's wrong to mislead them.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 June 2017):
 The very fact that you're here asking this question shows that he's not the right person for you.
If you want to be with someone and spend your life with them you will KNOW without having to ask for advice.
Also the fact that you're not sexually attracted to him doesn't help matters.
I think it would be very unfair on this guy to get involved in a relationship with him if your heart's not fully in it. He deserves someone who wants him 100%, not someone who wants him because he is available.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (11 June 2017):
 i have a different look on this! love is overrated as far as im concerned...compatability is much more important!!! if you two are honest about how you guys feel and you both want to be together and have a family i say go for it. just because a relationship starts with love thats not a guarantee that it will last a long time. imo the fact that you two are friends gives it a better chance.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 I don't even need to read your list. You are not sexually attracted to him. That's enough, don't need to know more. It's a no go. Not sexually attracted = nothing more than friendship.
Cut him loose and find someone else who offers the full package. Life is too short to settle. You'll only end up meeting someone sexy later on who you will be super attracted to, and then end up cheating or just hurting this guys feelings by dumping him. Better to end things now before he gets further attached to you and things evolve.
This guy is just temporary for you. It's better to set him free so he can be with someone who both likes his personality AND thinks he's the most sexy and handsome man on earth.
Just IMAGINE if you were in a relationship with a man who didn't find you sexy or attractive... Gosh, you'd absolutely hate it and you would feel awful. So that's a big no from me.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 June 2017):
I think we have replied to you before recently. If not, we can only say the same: it's not fair to stay with someone you're not completely in love with or attracted to - romantically, sexually, etc.
You want children, but you don't really want this guy. Break up and find someone you do know. You can be a mother through sperm donation, adoption and a relationship, but you have to be reasonable and staying with someone you're not sexually attracted to.
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