A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I broke up almost exactly 1 month ago. It was one of the most painful breakups I've ever experienced. I thought our relationship was really good. He was incredibly considerate, kind, and dependable. He was always going out of his way to plan fun and thoughtful dates, was very caring and concerned, helped me with tons of silly household tasks, took care of me when I was sick, and was my #1 emotional supporter and encourager. The guy I dated before him was abusive, and he was the complete opposite. Then after 8 months he decided he didn't know if we had a future and thought it would be best for him to be alone for some time and figure things out. He had just gotten a stressful new job and freaked out. He hasn't contacted me since. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and destroyed. I've fought too hard in my life to be happy, so I've done everything in my power to move on. I deleted him from every social media outlet. I force myself not to even check often to see if he's changed any profile pictures. We live a mile apart, so I found ways to avoid driving past his house. I've tried to substitute all the time I spent with him with exercise, volunteering, and spending time with my friends. I've been attending regular church services (I get comfort from this), journaling, and making sure to spend time doing what makes me happy. One of the things I thought would help me move on was contacting an old flame. I've never been the type to do this, but I thought maybe it would distract me. (He only wanted it to be physical too; we were both upfront). We got drinks, went back to my place, and as things were getting physical, I found myself wishing that it was my ex and remembering the way HE had done things. This guy didn't touch me the same way and was totally different. When I was doing things to him, I found all the things that worked on my ex didn't exactly do the same for him, leaving me just feeling overwhelmed and sad. I started crying and said I couldn't go any farther. My fear is that I'm going to do this with every new guy. I don't want to compare them to my ex. I know to some extent we all do this, but it's not fair to me or any new relationship. I know the relationship ended and I am upset with him for leaving me, but it's SO HARD to be mad at him or feel as if I deserve better because I truly thought I had the best and was very happy. I guess I'm still trying to make sense of it. I'm used to moving on after dating losers and jerks. It's easier that way. Now I fear my ex set a standard that no one else will ever reach. Part of me wishes he would contact me, but the other parts knows I need to heal. I don't even know what he could say to make me feel better, because even if he told me he has figured it out and loves me, I don't think after a month of no contact I'd be keen to take him back. But I truly don't expect this to happen. What do I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 June 2017):
 Off course you compared him to your ex, it has only been one month and you are still not over him. You are doing all the right things to move on but you need to give yourself time. You need time to heal and to move forward. Everything is still fresh so it will be difficult. No more one night stands it will only make things worse. Enjoy spending time by yourself doing things you like to do. Don't be in a rush to get with anyone else, just give yourself time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): You can get emotionally-addicted to serial-relationships; if you start dating too soon after a breakup. Hopping from one failed-relationship to the next. Rebound after rebound.
My dear, relationships are not pain-killers!
You're looking for dopamine-fixes; because you're not over your ex. So you need to find someone male, only to give you comfort; and to feed on his strength. You don't even give yourself enough time to catch your breath, let alone get-over an ex. You thought a nice-guy would heal you. He would numb the pain and give you instant-happiness.
Instead, your were emotional dead-weight. He gave-up, because he couldn't carry you any farther. I know that by all the symptoms peppered into your post. You can't hide them.
You are looking for guys to lean on and save you. You've lost touch with your own capabilities and independence. The last good-guy couldn't save you; because you're too needy. I read your post carefully; and it smacks of "needy-girl." You have to be in a relationship; or you can't survive alone.
Hey, I've been dumped before; and I know a thing or two about how nasty a breakup feels. Mine wasn't even a bad breakup. It felt just as shitty as if we had a bad fight.
If we had, it might have been easier. Maybe not. Who cares? You'll get over him. Just as I did mine. I can only say, it knocked the breath out of me. I felt like my bones all melted, and my heart weighted 80 pounds.
I can see right through you. The typical excuse: "I've tried everything, but it didn't work." Sweetie, stop sending out the invitations to your pity-party. Time to put up the sign that you're now in repair, closed for renovations; but you'll be back! Dispel the notion you need a man!
If you did all the things you claimed; you'd be too busy to fall so easily back to square one. I don't believe you. You gave yourself away; because you went right back to dating one month after a breakup. Then turned right-around, and admitted you'll want other guys to be like your ex. If that ain't rebound sister, what is it?
You tried to rule-out, discount, and dismiss any advice we could possibly offer. Claiming you've done everything. How do you expect anything to take-effect; if you've only tried them in the span of a month? Before you went right back to dating!!! Short of a magic spell, there is no cure; but patience and time.
Your psychological/emotional-dependency on men is what you're having trouble with. If you had an abusive-relationship prior to the last one; I think that poor guy was working over-time to heal you. Until you wore him out!
It's called high-maintenance. No insults are intended.
You were grappling with your post-traumatic stress; and the next guy had the burden of trying to make you feel better. In the process, he exhausted himself trying to prove to you he was a better man than your ex. He tried everything he could to heal you. Until he couldn't deal with you anymore.
Eight-months is just about the span of time he could keep it up. You need professional-counseling to deal with the trauma from the abusive-relationship. Not a boyfriend.
You also need to give yourself about a year to regain your sense of independence. Healing emotionally takes time, commitment, and perseverance. It doesn't happen over-night. You'll simply drag your baggage from one guy to the next.
It starts-out wonderful, because each guy is trying to outdo the last. His mission is to save the damsel in distress. Based on your insecurities, chronic-flashbacks, and horror stories. Your last boyfriend started to realize how damaged you are by the other guy.
Take some time-off from dating and relationships; and continue doing everything you said you've done. But you claim didn't work. Patience is not the strongest attribute in millennials. Experience, and a little struggle with futility and/or reality; will teach you that some things require you to wait. Look what rushing yourself has done so far!
Your youthful sense of entitlement and shortage of patience will not force your emotional wounds to heal any faster. You're young, but you're still human. However; your youth is an advantage. Because it gives you resiliency. Only if you learn from your mistakes; and give yourself time to realize the depth and power of your own inner-strength.
Stop looking for men to make you feel safe and secure. You'll drain them in no-time, and they'll flee for their lives and sanity. Your abuser made you feel he took all your power and broke you. He didn't. He only wounded you; so you can't feel your own power. You're not weak. He lied and told you that; and now you're lying to yourself. You equate masculinity with power and strength; so you look for boyfriends to lean on. You've got your own, but have to tap into it.
You can't see this, apparently no one is around to tell you. That, or they have; and you aren't quite listening. You'll certainly learn; but again, it takes "time!"
Counseling doesn't always require long-term therapy, or a lot of pills. Don't be afraid of the false-stigma attached to seeking treatment for your mental-health. It doesn't mean you're "crazy" or "psycho." You need help with your psychological-trauma from abuse. If you are already in therapy; give yourself time from relationships, so you can heal. You can't just jump back into it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2017):
 Don't date till you are totally over the ex. And I'd avoid "meaningless" sex as well. Just get back to YOU, find your happy spot.
Sure, you can compare people in your life if you CHOOSE to but what is the point?
It's only been a month and it ended unexpectedly for you which means you will ponder and feel hurt for a while, it's natural.
The silver lining OP?
If you can find ONE decent fella? You CAN find another. Your ex is not the ONLY great guy out there. And if the relationship didn't work for HIM after 3 months, well then you and HE weren't as good of a match as you had hoped, that DOES happen. Whether we like it or not. If he can't handle a new job AND a GF then it WAS the right thing to break up. FOR both of you. It might not FEEL like it but it was.
For now, though, focus on you.
Chin up.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 I'm pretty sure you asked for advice not song long back, your post sounds very familiar regarding your breakup.
It's still very fresh, of course this is going to happen, you're no where near close to getting over your ex. All you can do is give it time. There's no magical way you can get over someone so you need to ride it out.
You will meet someone else in future that things just feel natural with and you won't feel the need to compare them to your ex because you will be happy with who they are. If you're meeting this new guy just to have sex, there's no feelings or emotions in it which makes it easy to compare to your ex and what you miss about those intimate moments.
Using someone else to get over an ex very rarely works and I wouldn't advise it to anyone. You need to work on you before you're ready to put yourself back into the world of dating.
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