A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been feeling down a little these days due to family issues. I would think my husband would be a little more comforting but instead he is getting more distant. Is that normal for him to distant himself or is it me just in need of extra affection? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Some people do become more distant if someone they care about is feeling down or upset. It does not mean they don't care about you though. Some people are not very "emotional", and don't know how to deal with emotions in others. Some people feel uncomfortable. Some people don't know how to respond or how to help. And you can find that the closer you are to a person, the more difficult it is to support them when they need it.
I grew up in a family where emotions were not really demonstrated. If I cried, there were no hugs. My mom does care, but if I become upset she pulls away. She is simply not used to dealing with emotions. And I can be the same. I can feel very uncomfortable and awkward if someone I care about is upset.
However, it is always nice to be comforted and supported if you are feeling down. Your husband may not even realise he seems more distant and that you would like support. And men tend to be different to women. When men are upset by something or feeling down, they usually like to be left alone to have some space. Not all men, but a majority of them do. So he may think he is helping you by giving you more distance.
I think it would be a good idea to try and express to your husband what you would like from him while you are feeling down. If you would like to be hugged, tell him that it would make you feel much better, and you would really appreciate it. If you would like to talk, as him if he would listen to you for a few minutes, as it would help. Things like that. And show him how much you appreciate any caring gesture he makes to you, as this will reinforce it and make him see how being more supportive helps you feel better.
I hope this helps and that you start to feel better soon. x
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Everyone reacts differently in the face of sorrow, whether they are the victims of sadness or its witness. I went through a period of time in my life where I was extremely depressed, on the verge of suicide everyday. There was this one girl who was one of my closest friends, she asked me if anything was wrong, she tried to help and I often resisted but when she found out what the root of my sorrow was, when she found out how deeply it ran, she stayed away, she started ignoring me as much as she could without seeming heartless or uncaring. Eventually we grew far apart until two years later I E-mailed her, after just having thought deeply about everything, I apologized for having resisted her help so cruelly and she told me that it wasn't my resistance, she had distanced herself because she just cannot handle so much sadness around her and even though she wanted to help, knowing that I was still so dark and why, she could not handle it so she kept away after she had tried to help.
Some people are just like that and it does not mean that they do not care, in fact, it could mean the exact opposite. If you feel so lonely and vulnerable during this time of your life, you have to talk to him and tell him that you need him right now to be there for you.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Love-Wisely  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 If men are uncomfortable with their emotions, or they feel the issues are too complex for them to outright "fix" they sometimes withdraw. I'm not really this type of male, but I know my sister has dealt with her share of it. It's okay to tell him you really only need him to be there, not "fix" the feelings. Cuddling or even sitting quietly together can be very therapeutic too.
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A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (4 February 2011):
Generally speaking, men seem to want to be able to jump in and fix things. When there's nothing concrete that they can do, they will sometimes withdraw.
Talk to your husband and give him some suggestions for something concrete he can do to make you feel comforted (and therefore that will help you)--things like stroking your hair while you're expressing sadness, playing Monopoly with you instead of playing video games by himself, being extra vigilant about putting the toilet seat down--might help him to feel that he's actively doing something. You could also let him know, gently, that his withdrawal is making you feel worse.
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A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Well maybe you need to talk (communicate) to him and let him know whats bothering you. A down and negative person will push a person away, especially if they do not know what is wrong with the negative person. No person wants to be around an unhappy person who brings them down. Its not fair of you to rob him of his happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Sorry, but it really depends on the kind of guy. If he doesn't really like to show his emotional side well then give him a bit of room. If he doesn't mind then one day just tell him how you are feeling and ask for his comfort.
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