A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was working on my wife's computer recently, and I found some old emails from about 3 and 4 years ago between my wife and a couple of her exes. I couldn't resist the temptation to read them. I don't know that I really feel jealous (at least that's not how I would describe it)(believe me, I've been jealous before!). It's more of a feeling of having my "bubble" popped. Basically, she told these guys how much she loved them, used the same "sweetie" types names with them, etc. as she does with me. She also told them they were "perfect" size, told them how she would plesure them for the rest of their lives if they got married, told them they were amazing, etc. She described various sex acts she'd done with them, told them how much she loved it, etc. Essentially, everything she tells me or does with me are almost identical to what she did with them. (If anything, she tells me a lot less how much she loves having sex with me, how "amazing" I am as a person, etc.) Both of them eventually broke up with her, but she had made it very clear to both of them that she wanted to get married to them.She's had other fairly serious relationships in the past also, so it's reasonable to think she's said and done most of the same or similar things with at least 6-8 men. (she has been married once before as well)I had it my head that it was somehow "special", or different with me based on all the wonderful things she told me. I realize it doesn't make the things she's said to me untrue, but it has changed my perception of our relationship to know there's nothing unique about it. If you have steak for dinner every night, is really "special" in any way on night 1,000? Is it just naive and stupid to think your relationship with your spouse is in some way "special"? Is it just dumb to even want to have a relationship that is in some way special? I realize, of course, that if I hadn't read the emails I'd still be in a state of naive bliss. Is that the answer? Just believe the illusion we create for ourselves and ignore reality?
View related questions:
broke up, her ex, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): you're relationship with your wife is special and unique- just because she has called her exes the same names and has spoken to them about the same acts and in the same way she speaks to you, - it just means that's how she relates and builds bonds to partners in general, IMO it actually has nothing to do with how she truly feels about you. The nicknames and the banter may stay the same but the people and the feelings change, and that's what makes a relationship.
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 thats interesting because my wife found my ex and I had exchanged emails and she went nuts. we are now divorced too after 19 years. the content of these emails was completely innocent, it was just the fact that we'd made contact that caused the problem. my ex stumbled upon me on a schoolfriends site.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): Hi. Yes it is VERY naive to think that you can be with a previously married, experienced woman... that has never been sexual with or even flattering to anyone before you! It is a shame she chose to keep old emails and a shame you peeked as it has obviously upset you.
Rather than festering on it. You could try talking to her, explain what you read and seek some reassurance. At the very least you owe the lady an apology and she really needs to clear out her old emails!
What she did or said before she met you IS past. Live in the present and be happy you have a loving wife. If we were all held in contempt for the sexy/loving things we had said in the past, new relationships wouldnt last long or be very happy!
I am sorry your bubble has popped but try and create a new, unique one for the pair of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): the ideas she brings to the table are most likely her own and not theirs, considering they were brought into all of her relationships, vs. all of theirs. i wouldnt be concerned with that in particular.. have you tried introducing her to more "just the two of you's" kind of things?
its not about getting the girl, its about keeping the girl. apparently she tried to have something with those guys, but for whatever reason it didnt work out. now its your time to shine and do for her what they didnt do, or do right where ever they did wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): You shouldn't go snooping in your wife's private emails and letters if you were not prepared for what you might find!! Seriously, this is a violation of trust, and now you cannot bring this up to her without admitting that you crossed the line and went into her personal emails.
OK aside from that, it sounds like your wife has had a lot of relationships in the past. She is able to love deeply, even when her heart gets broken she can still love another again. That's a good thing! many people would be gun-shy and be closed off and unable to form new meaningful relationships. You should be thankful that she's not like that.
I believe that it's simply not true that there is only one soulmate for everyone. I believe that most people can end up happily married to a variety of people, it's not that there is only one person for you in the world and that's it. If you hadn't met your wife, you might still have gotten happily married to someone else. Likewise, if she hadn't met you, she might be happily married now or in future to someone else.
It's not such a stretch then, to accept that it is possible that your spouse is not the only person that you COULD have had this relationship with. Every relationship is unique in a certain way simply because the shared history will be different depending on who the other person is.
But many people - such as your wife - have an image in their mind of what they value in a partner. And, it's not out of the ordinary to think that there is more than one person who can fulfill that role, you happened to be one of them, but so were her previous lovers. In the end, you and them have one thing in common which is that she loved you all. That must mean that you all have similar traits or she wouldn't have fallen in love with you. And if you have similar traits to her former lovers, then it's not surprising that she would feel similarly towards them as she does towards you.
In the end, does it really matter if she has loved other men before? the point is that she is married to you now and you will have a future with her, which is something none of the other guys will have.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 It was wrong of you to read her personal emails, its a violation of privacy and its completely out of line. You had no business to go snooping into her personal stuff.
That being said, did you have a past before you met your wife? If you had ex girlfriends and you were in an honest committed relationship(s) before you met your wife, then you too would have promised the world to your ex(s). We all do, when things are hunky-dory! But when things dont work out and we realize that its going the way we wanted them to, we move on.
That's exactly what happened with your wife. She had a past with her ex boyfriends and you cant blame her for that. You knew about her life before she met you and you chose to accept it.
You ARE special to her, because you are one whom she eventually married and is happy with. That's what makes you special. Every person is different and unique in their own way, you cannot compare yourself to anyone else. Neither should you be so insecure that you need to be constantly reassured that the sex is amazing or that you are wonderful. You are married to her, you should be comfortable and fulfilled with each other, without being told 24/7 how amazing and wonderful the other person is. Isnt that a given already? She knows what you mean to her and your life with her is testimony of it.
While your initial reaction to the emails was of shock and jealousy, try to think rationally now. You should not have read her stuff. Forget about her "special" relationship with you, how can you point a finger at her when you are the one not to be trusted, when you will snoop into her stuff whenever you get the chance? Whatever she did was before she got married to you, she has never cheated on you or being unfaithful; you on the other hand have invaded her privacy and snooped into her stuff.
You dont have to believe any illusions neither should you have any delusions. Realize that she had a past before you, she had a relationship with those men and you are old enough to know what a relationship means. Of course there is sex, there are emotions involved. But it didnt work out and she moved on. So what? Can you blame her for that? Did you actually think she sat with those men and they braided each others hair?!
Accept reality, accept her for what she is NOW, because that is who she is. That is what makes her relationship special with you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (13 March 2012):
 First let me say: I don't recommend anyone read significant others old love letters, old emails, or journals. The main thing that comes out of it is: heartache and disillusion.
Having said that, generally in writing people can be very different from their usual self. Writing stimulates the dramatic, and it draws upon our personal creativity and emotional vocabulary. And, people tend to want the same feelings they enjoyed before. We also tend to use the same words repeatedly. On the whole, there is nothing especially strange or negative about this.
To a friend I would add: it could be sign your wives feelings are not especially complex when it comes to romance. You could have stayed naive on this point and survived.
...............................
A
female
reader, cats  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Think u maybe on to something, although I'm sure uv told past girl friends u loved them and such. It's just sweet talk you sud know from who she is and how she treats u if its special or not.
...............................
|
