A
female
age
41-50,
*ene16
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We have an 8 month old daughter together. We were starting new and moved recently to a new state because of a job opportunity for him. A few months ago I noticed him acting a little weird like spending lots of time on the computer and being kind of distant. I know I shouldn't have done this but I looked at his emails and found some very sexually explicit stuff. They painted a clear picture of him cheating throughout our whole relationship. He only owned up to the most recent one and never admitted to the rest. I lost trust and gave him a chance to work it out. Months later, to the present day...he had been acting very suspicious. He never felt he needed to prove anything to help me rebuild the trust so I was always questioning things. He was clearly lying about whereabouts, hiding phone, putting phone face down when around me, coming home all types of night when he doesn't even like to go out. I needed to travel a few times, when I would call no answer, even doing different things sexually. Made up crazy lie after lie, so lame I didn't believe any of it. Told me he loved me and needed me, sex life was still strong. One day while using his itouch, I looked at his email. Yes I know it's wrong. Found out he's been seeing this woman for a month. I spoke to her and she told me he's been staying over, they have unprotected sex, he told her he wasn't in a relationship. He even tried to smooth things over by telling her more lies. I am hurt so bad. He would come home from being with her and have sex with me. I'm here where he brought me away from my family and friends. I don't know anyone but him, have a small child to take care of and now I have to worry about him possibly bringing home some disease. He had the nerve to be mad at me. No apology, just said its all your fault. If you weren't looking for stuff, this wouldn't have happened. I was floored. I know I shouldn't have but doesnt change the fact that he blatently did what he did. I have to live here still cause I have nowhere to go and I'm not working right now. He told me to figure it out. I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do. Is it fair for him to say its my fault??
View related questions:
sex life, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jene16 +, writes (2 July 2012):
Jene16 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone for their responses. It made me feel better knowing that it really isn't my fault no matter what he says. I packed some of my stuff and left. I'm thinking of my next moves and looking for a job. He still has not apologized or even tried to talk things out. I refuse to talk to him. His mother had to tell him to call and check on his daughter. He never did he sent a text. Wow. Thank you all again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): It was wrong of you to disrespect his privacy by checking his emails. What he did was so much worse though. With that being said, you are both wrong but he is more so. Now that you found his dirty little secret out, what are you going to do? I suggest you leave him. He doesn't even regret it. He is a bad person and did the worst thing a spouse can ever do. Don't let him have to opportunity to keep hurting you. Keep your self-respect and dignity.
Go out job searching. Also call up a friend or family member. Hopefully there is someone out there who is able to help you. Best regards.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): well yes it's wrong of you to hack into his emails but what he did is even MORE wrong so he does not have the moral high ground here.
So next time he accuses you of snooping in his emails, you apologize to him for snooping, so that takes care of your transgression, THEN you hold him accountable for his cheating and lying!
although at this point I would say why even bother? why are you still with him? he's not going to stop. he's not even the least bit sorry. It looks to me like he is only with you because you have a kid together so he's obligated to stay with you, but he actually doesn't otherwise want to be with you.
You should apply for jobs ASAP. Then when you get a job, take your kid with you and move out into your own place, and take him to court for child support payments.
this is what you should do
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (30 June 2012):
no of course its not fair for him to blame you, none of this is fair on you. you would be better off leaving him and dont even think of letting him have sex with you, hes disgusting for going back and forth between you and this woman. good luck you deserve far better x
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Please leave him! Call your family. Ask them to send you a bus ticket. Then pack up your things and get the hell out. File for divorce immediately and force him to pay chld support. You will rebuild your life again, but it will help if you are back home where you have friends and famiiy to help you get through this ordeal. Don't compromise. He's a worthless cheater. Get out.
...............................
A
female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Sorry for that sister. Other man are like that especial if you don't work they would say whatever cause they know you have nowhere to go. He would take you for granted. As for the other woman she might be lying that she slept with him without a condom, she is just trying to scare you so that you will leave hi. She is the mistress an nothing else that's why she will say anything that is going to hurt you. The hard part is that your man is cheating and you don't deserve it. By Luck you have found out earlier than late. Its time for you to ask him what he really want out of life. I wish you could get a job soon so that you could leave him. I can't advice to leave him now. Just stand your ground. Sit with him down and tell him how you feel. If he love you he will come around.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 How can you expect a cheater to be fair??! Of course its not fair and why are you still waiting around? He's not going to change and you know it. You can move away from him, you're not Siamese twins and you can make a difference to your life...if you want to. Its all on you now. Call your family, shift back with them till you're more stable, just get out of there
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): "Is it fair for him to say its my fault??"
No, it's not fair but gutter-crawling sewer-dwelling scumbags such as your boyfriend ALWAYS find a way to shift the blame for their disgusting, abhorrent,reprehensible, piggish behavior onto the victimized partner.
Unfortunately having an out-of-wedlock child by him makes a bad situation even worse, big problem with shacking up from legal standpoint is that there's no framework for dividing assets and property, from his POV what's his is his and as you're discovering, he's not above using his financial hold over you to essentially keep you hostage. Agree with fellow aunts that best plan is move back to where your family and friends live, legally establish bf's paternity, and obtain an order of child support.
...............................
A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I am so sorry this has happened to you. You must be in pain, but do know that it WILL pass. I would try and leave if I were you. I know it;s not easy, but you will wake up one day and realize that it was the best desicion you ever made. Just go if you can and sit though it and have not conact with him at all. You will be fine after a while. Do whatever you have to do to get over it. Do you have anywhere or anyone to go to? keep us informed. xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 June 2012):
 You don’t trust him and with good reason. He’s a liar. He’s a cheater and he’s a manipulator.
I agree with everyone else. You should leave him and make sure to get court ordered (garnished) child support. That means you won’t need to have contact with him to make sure your child is taken care of by the father as it should be.
My partner and I keep no secrets… we share passwords and emails etc. Only folks who have something to hide get upset with snoops… and only folk s who have a reason to feel untrustworthy tend to snoop. I snooped on my ex husband’s phone but he was emotionally cheating on me and would get upset and defensive and act like it was MY FAULT I did not trust him. IT was not. My current partner is online all the time and yet I know he’s not cheating on me, emotionally, mentally or otherwise… so I don’t feel the need to look at his emails or his phone.
Honeypie is right
Stop having sex with him
Leave him (call mom and dad and ask if they will help you to come home I’m betting they will)
Get help with the court system to get that child support… do not let him make this your fault.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Of course its not fair of him to say its your fault, he is a lying two timing cheating arsehat who got caught and is now trying desperately to shift the blame for HIS behaviour onto you.
As hard as it is I think you need to pack up your baby and as much as you can carry and go home, maybe you can also ship some of the bulkier stuff, albums and keepsakes etc.
I know you are hurting, but you need to start thinking about yourself and your baby girl, leave this loser for dust, go home to where you at least have people who care, and start rebuilding your life, without him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Is it fair that you looked at his e-mails? Honestly, I am not a fan of snooping, but in your case it wasn't a surprise really, you just got conformation.
OFF COURSE he is mad at you snooping. Why? Because now he got CAUGHT! with his pants down in yet another lie. But here is the thing. You two never really worked through the last cheating episode, there was not rebuilding of trust you say, not "access granted" or even him taking full responsibility for his actions.
HE WOULD STILL BE CHEATING.. even if you hadn't looked. The difference is now you KNOW, and as you may know, knowledge is power.
1. stop having sex with him
2. DUMP him
3. either find a place to live with family or friends.
4. get a job so you can pay for a place to live.
5. Apply for child support
He will not stop cheating, he will not stop lying. THIS IS who he is.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Most normal people in relationships don't go looking for trouble unless there's already trouble...He had already proven to you that he was a liar and cheater...so yes, you were suspicious, and sadly he just proved to you that your suspicions were correct! I'm all for people having their privacy, but once someone cheats...the trust is gone and the cheater should have to earn back and prove to their partner that they can be trusted again.
Sweetie..I'm sorry for you, I know you're hurt and scared, but you know what you have to do. Get out, and get out now. This man doesn't deserve your love, your tears or your time. He's cheating and has the nerve to blame you. That's the tactics of a cheater/jerk...steer attention away from them and blame someone else.
Please take care of yourself, go see a doctor, make sure you're ok, sue him for child support and find a nice place for you and your child. If it means going home for awhile to your family, I'm sure they'll understand.
This hurts very much, I know. I've been where you are, but I promise...things will get better. Its going to take time, but you and your child deserve far better than what this jerk is offering.
Hang in there. It will get better once you decide you've had enough and cut the ties.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I just don't understand this relatively new idea that people in committed relationships aren't automatically allowed access to all areas of their partners life. I can't believe that a partner should feel guilty for looking in the phone or e-mail. Shouldn't the cheating partner feel guilty?
Perhaps I'm just too old fashioned.
This guy is saying that he isn't guilty as long as he doesn't get caught. If he gets caught it is not his fault, it is the investigators fault. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I see nothing to save, find a way out.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 June 2012):
 He's a manipulative scum-sucking dirtbag. Pack your bags and the little baby duds and move back to your family and friends until you can get on your feet again. And make sure you get child support from the asshole. You can pull yourself out of this quagmire and make a wonderful life for you and your baby girl. Best of luck sweetheart.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I had this problem when I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me he combatted it with I ha betrayed his trust by looking through his fb. My opinion on this if they didn't have something to hide we wouldn't snoop we only look because of a gut feeling. If he's continuing to cheat on you after this Apprently work out whats the point in being with him? I'd cut my losses and leave he's not worth it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): sweetie, he's treating you so badly! he doesn't say sorry, makes no effort to change and has the nerve to blame you! you deserve better. get yourself away from this man asap. can you confide in a friend or family member? see if someone can come pick you up and have you&your child to stay for a while? you need to start a new life away from this man. he's never going to change, he'll just keep on hurting you. eventually you'll find a guy who'd never dream of cheating on you&will be so much happier. get some legal advice about him paying child maintenance. divorce him. heal. and start a happier new life.x
...............................
|
