A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I understand that my boyfriend's interest in using porn is not a reflection on me? Everybody keeps telling me it is their problem but I think it is to do with my attractiveness aswell.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 The hottest women in the world have their men cheat on them. It has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness.
Separate the self-esteem thing from the porn use.
Recognize that men find looking at attractive women to be enjoyable. It fires the little pleasure centers in their visual brains. Unless the guy is a cheating creep though, that's as far as that goes. It's like a cool breeze blowing in on a hot day, there's a zing of pleasure and then, when the visual stimulation is gone, the day goes back to normal.
It may well be that YOU are a zing of pleasure for some guys. Just walking down the street, or out and about on your daily routine, YOU may be some guys eye-candy. It doesn't mean he's going to start a relationship with you or go home and ignore his wife or girlfriend because he happened to see an attractive young woman on the street. You're not interested in the guy, he's not interested in you. He's just appreciating the view, to which you are adding a beautiful, graceful element.
On the other hand, if your guy is holed up in the basement, with the door locked and hours and hours of videos are being downloaded, and he turns pasty pale from all the hours he spends inside and his right (or left arm) develops muscles like a bowler (cricket or 10 pin, either kind works) and he has literally no interest in having sex with you at all, then you have a porn addict on your hands.
Of course, there are the guys who are not visually stimulated by pretty girls, who never even so much as look at another girl, to the extent that they won't make eye contact with the pretty cashier at the StopNShop. Those types are few and far between, though.
So where on the spectrum does your guy fall, exactly?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): How can you understand that your boyfriend finding other girls attractive, which will always be the case, is not a reflection on you?
Is your attraction to Johnny Depp or Justin Beiber or any other you find attractive a reflection on him?
Well it's the same thing.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 It's their problem only when porn is affecting the relationship, like not being able to "get up" for a woman who looks real, with no fake eye lashes, heavy make up and pounds of hair spray. He is using porn because it has become his habit, like the comfort of drinking a sip of water before bed. If your boyfriend does not find you attractive he won't be still with you. I can understand it's hurtful if you live together and he closes the door on you. When you don't live together he is entitled to his freedom to his solitary pursuits. If you find porn an absolute deal breaker then you tell him this at the beginning of dating. When you decide to commit to him anyways you keep your insecurity to yourself and stop the unecessary worries. If you feel you are unattractive you can tone up in the gym and eat healthier. These are the things you can change about yourself. You can't change your height, your boobs, your facial features without surgery but it really doesn't take much for a woman to be attractive. Men are hard wired to feel attraction to any average female figure. Being addicted to porn does not make an average woman unattractive, it distorts their view of what a normal woman should look like.
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