A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a man who is going through a divorce and has been separated from his wife for several months. The only reason his divorce is taking so long is because of financial issues. We have a pretty healthy relationship so far. He is so hurt from his soon-to-be ex-wife because she cheated on him. With those feelings we have called off our relationship because he doesn't know what he wants.My questions are 1. Are we jumping into a relationship too fast?2. If we decide to get back together while he is still waiting on the divorce is it considered cheating on my behalf if i date?
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female
reader, cat lady +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Well, yes and yes.Here's a daring idea:How about taking a break from dating altogether until you, too, have a better idea what you want? You seem very young and in a hurry to hand over your heart and your trust - older gals would be a touch more suspicious of a guy going through a divorce. It takes two to make a divorce just as it does for a marriage.What do you mean by a "healthy relationship?" That could mean you have a good friendship or it might have gone further..... If it be the latter, you were both "cheating," you know. You have the sensible solution already and have made the right decision: back off for a while, both of you. If you two are truly compatible and have a possible future together, you two will be the first to know it and you will discover it together.
A
female
reader, jusAnonymous +, writes (28 December 2010):
 naa cause basically he saying he do not wana be with her jus on paper it looks like cheating but its not cause thats the whole reason for separating casue he really dont want to be with her anymore
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): its cheating if there are lies. but if its all out in the open and hes just moving on, well good luck in life. but if he seems to be still clinging to the relastionship- give him space.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Too early for a relationship.
Not too early for clutching the sheets and making the mattress squeak.
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A
female
reader, Clarabell  +, writes (28 December 2010):
U seem like a sensible girl and i think u have answered this question urself, u have called off the relationship for a reason and that being cos he doesnt know what he wants.
Whether he is divorced of not u need to give him time to find out what that is that he wants and be there as a friend for him like u are doing but realise there is a fine line between being there for someone who needs someone to help him thru this and a relationship so just make sure ur sure ur not just a comfort blanket, so would probably be in ur favour to wait til his divorce has settled before going any further.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): When you say "if I date", do you mean dating him, or dating other people whilst your relationship with him is called off? Either way, it's not cheating - but, if the latter, why would you want to if you have a pretty healthy relationship and are serious about being with this man?
On the other hand, I think you're both right to have called things off if his separation was recent, and especially if he's unsure of himself. What does that mean?
However, the fact that he's called things off could be positive, as it shows that he doesn't want to hurt you. Generally, if someone is recently separated but not yet divorced, any new partner should be a bit wary, and take things very slowly. Otherwise they risk just being the BandAid girl/guy... It's a rule I wish I'd heeded myself, having recently been someone's 'rebound' as she metamorphosed from recently separated (but not divorced!) wife to university student. I was there for her during the journey, but no longer required at its end. The signs were there, but I was too blinded by love.
I'm not saying that you're situation is the same, and I think you're being more sensible than I was.
Is an end in sight for the divorce?
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (28 December 2010):
 I would actually say no it's not cheating because at this moment they are not together. It is still a touchy time to do this though. I would take things more slowly because i worry about you being a rebound and a way for him to make his soon to be ex wife jealous.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Yes it is wrong.I seen it with my parents.But you say he's hurt and don't know what he wants?To me that sounds like he's hurt,but still loves her and doesn't really want a divorce.Hunny don't get hurt.Let him go,and if he comes back then he's yours.Just a little something to think on.
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A
female
reader, Duckyhelp +, writes (28 December 2010):
 1. Leave him to settle into life as we can only imagine how stressful it must be for him, and if you pressure him into anything serious he maybe wary of it, if he has been hurt he may feel all women are the same. Just prove were not.
2. It isnt cheating as my parents are separated for 5 years and have still not had a divorce due to financial problems too. and my father has a gf which he has been with for about 2 years and she feels herself that it isnt cheating but she feels odd about being with a techincaly married man :P
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A
female
reader, SmilySmily  +, writes (27 December 2010):
In relation to your first question- yes, i think its bit too fast. its always nice to take things slow. and he is also going thru this divorce procedure and all, you might be his rebound (eventho I hate to say this) or you might not, in order to find that out, its better to date and see how it goes and get to know each other rather than jumping into a relationship with a guy who is just getting out of a relationship i think. I dont know how long you two have been seeing each other which might change the situation slightly.
but since you two are on a break now...i dont know...did you go out with him before his seperation??
for second question, i dont think both of you are cheating, you are single (i presume) and he is seperated and going thru a divorce so i personally dnt thnk its cheating!!!
Hope it will all work out fine for you two.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (27 December 2010):
As to your first question, yes. He's not divorced yet. Believe it or not, people do reconcile. I would slow it down and see how things develop. Can you imagine the devastation in your own life emotionally if you get wrapped up in this guy, and he decides to get back with his wife? If he really wants something with you to develop into the real deal, he will wait until that divorce is final. Then, you have the issues that your new BF is going to have to deal with. Divorce is never easy. Remember that the reasons for his divorce relate to his wife cheating on him. Don't be a cheater with him. It will only lessen you in his eyes (trust me on that one). He will value you more, and respect you more (and you will maintain your own dignity and self-respect) if you wait until he is completely available. Then, proceed with eyes wide open. Good luck.
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