A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is going through a divorce and experienced a bad relationship. He feels as if the marriage ruined it. He told me he cannot see himself ever marrying again. Ever since I was a little girl i have always wanted to be happily married. Should this be a deal breaker?
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male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (28 December 2010):
 I said the same thing to my now wife (7 years married now). So just because he is saying no now, doesn't mean that he won't have a change of heart. Since he is just getting out of a relationship, I would be more worried if he was willing to get hitched before the fog of his divorce has cleared. So his reaction might not be a bad one.If you really beleive that this guy is "the one", invest some time in the relationship. Set a timeframe. One year, two years.... And if it hasen't happened by then, move on.Good Luck!Jeff
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I think it's way too fast to be thinking about marriage with this guy. He's still in the middle of a divorce. People who are still in the middle of their previous marriage's breakup will naturally be full of sour and cynical thoughts towards marriage so now isn't the right time to be asking him his views on marriage because his mind is heavily influenced by what he's going through right now. Only once his divorce is over for some time and he has moved on from it then can you get a better answer from him about his true thoughts on marriage.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (28 December 2010):
 One thing to always remember; never try to change someone into what you think they should be. You're setting yourself up for disappointment that way, because for all you know, you could in fact be a rebound. The biggest clue this is a possibility is that fact that he's still in the process of a divorce. His emotions are a mess and he definitely shouldn't be dating anyone until he's had time to get over it. He may be using you as a distraction for the time being. It's only been a few months and the relationship isn't serious, not to mention he already directly told you what he is and isn't looking for. It's now up to you to either compromise and give up something you really want or find someone else looking for the same things you are. Do you honestly see this relationship leading anywhere in the state it's in now?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Should this be a deal breaker?
You tell us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): It sounds to me like you've really fallen hard for this guy really fast and now you're at the stage where even the slightest little thing makes you worry about the future of the relationship because the idea of losing him or that you may not have a future together is too much for you to bare.
That happens in fast intense relationships and it's quite normal. It's normal to get the jitters when you love someone that much and aren't yet in an established long term relationship with him. By that I mean you're still in the initial stages, the early few months of the "honeymoon" period. You're at the stage now where you feel you need some guarantees but it is still very early in the relationship and he is still in the middle of a divorce.
The best advice I can give you is to try and move on from these thoughts. Try not to worry too much about the future and just enjoy being with him. Right now you have no idea whether he'll still be around tomorrow or whether you'll grow old together. So just enjoy what you have now and keep that safe. Let the relationship progress at its own pace and just do what you can to have a nice happy relationship with him. I mean if there's no actual problems in the relationship at this moment in time then there really is no point in worrying about the future or you'll only create a problem.
This relationship is really only at the very beginning still. Just relax and enjoy being with him. Don't put pressure on yourself or him "just in case" something "might" happen in the future. It might not either. Just know if the time comes that you will deal with it then but until then it's not an issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto cerberus. you are right. we have only been dating a few months. he has been seperated about 8 months from his wife. the question came up at one point and we just shared our feelings and beliefs about it. i understand he is in a mess with the divorce right now. i pray im not the rebound girl. i feel as if we took our relationship too fast at first and i dont want to lose him over something i know nothing about. ive been asking around and i hope that one day he might change his mind. but for now is casual dating more appropriate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): He may not change his mind about this and it will lead to wasted time and disappointment for you if he doesn't.
It will be easier if you move on now instead of later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Wow so many responses and not one person has the most important question here.
How long are you together with this guy OP? and how long has he been going through a divorce?
There really is no point on advising you because that detail is too important.
"He told me he cannot see himself ever marrying again." Of course he can't, he's going through a big horrible divorce. Doesn't mean he's never going to want to.
I say the same about drinking whenever I wake up horrifically hungover from the night before.
Look we really can't judge this situation at all because the answer to your question is very different based on your time together.
Lots of people have given really well thought out but pretty much irrelevant answers if he's only recently out of a marriage.
I swear I'm never going to date another girl again every time I have my heartbroken but that goes away in couple of months and I go back out on the scene. Everybody here is assuming you're in a long term serious relationship lasting years but something tells me it's only been a few months, in which case I think you're freaking out about nothing. Of course he doesn't see himself getting married again, did you ever see yourself getting involved with another guy just after the last relationship you had which ended really badly for you?
He's speaking out of pain and heartache. I think you'd be crazy to dump him just because "right now" he doesn't know if he could go through all that again, just because you always dreamed of white ponies and marriage at sunset and he can't, right now, in the middle of a messy divorce, ask you to marry him. Because that's pretty much the commitment you're asking for.
If you love him OP then don't pressure him, don't think for one second he wouldn't marry you because he does believe in marriage but he's too wrapped up in the middle of a divorce to consider it at the moment.You really picked a bad time in his life to want to get that kind of commitment from him.
But if you can't wait for his divorce to be over and wait for him to get settled into your relationship and to love you enough to consider being with you forever then you really should leave, and no offence, let him find someone that will wait to fulfill their dream just to be with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Well, then stay, but just accept the fact that he doesn't want to marry...at least for right now. He just might be a good guy, but due too his past dealing with relationships and marriage, he doesn't want to risk whatever he did at that time again with you....you have to accept that or move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Yes...if you want to get married and he doesn't then why continue to date or be in a relationship with him? Now granted he might change his mind, but not with ultimatums, threats, begging, nagging, pleading, or asking "where is this going." If you do any of things I just mention and he does marry you, the marriage may not last. Depending on how long you have been dating him, just take your time, get to know each other more, be independent, enjoy the dating process and etc.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 December 2010):
I have to disagree with Odds. Marriage rates are indeed declining, but I think that has more to do with the declining childbirth rate than anything else. If I didn't want to have more children then I wouldn't want to get married again.
My advice to the OP, as someone who went through a divorce, is to let this guy go. If he is that scarred by his failed marriage then he probably has too much baggage to deal with. Marriage isn't something where a compromise can be made, it is a yes or no proposition.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want marriage but i am head over heals in love with this man. would i be making a mistake leaving him because he doesnt want to get married again? i dont want to regret my decision.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Marriage to the right person is an enriching, wonderful experience. But if your partners first marriage wasnt very good and hes currently going through a divorce. Saying he doesnt want to marry again is perfectly normal and to be expected. Hes a wise man. If he rushed from his current marriage, straight into another one, he would be very foolish indeed. He needs time to recover from the recent past before he makes any decisions. My partner was going through a bad time when i met him. He had been separated a year and was divorcing his wife. He swore never to marry again. But 2 years later and hes a different person now hes had time to reflect. And he wants to get married more than i do! So give your partner time and im sure if you two are meant to be, he will change his mind. Just dont pressure him x
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Well, do you want to have a wedding day, or do you want to have a wedded life? For all you know, he may be prepared to one day live with you, love you, care for you, and have kids with you... just not with a government-issued paper. If the wedded life is all you want, that's pretty much the same thing.
If the party is your priority, that's an issue, and needs to be worked through.
Now, I could be wrong about this, and would advise you to check with some of the other writers on here for their take, but I think marriage is a dying institution that will become rarer and rarer over the next decade or two. You will be more and more likely to find guys who never intend to get married. Long-term relationships, sure, those are great and will still exist. Just not marriage (outside of common law marriage). Even if that's not the case, I'm certain guys will avoid women whose stated goal is "marriage" rather than, say, "happiness." So even if you leave him, marriage might be difficult if that's your only goal.
Ask him if he's opposed to long-term relationships, love, spending life together, getting a house together, maybe even kids (depending on how comfortable he'd be with that last one). If the answers are all positive, there's no reason to worry.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 December 2010):
If he won't marry, and you want marriage, then that's as far as this relationship can go. Marriage clearly means a lot to you, whereas to him it no longer represents anything special. So you're two people who have totally opposing views over something that's very important to you. Unless you can commit to this guy, knowing that marriage isn't an option, you'll just grow to resent it.
I think is marriage is what you're after, then it's better to move on now.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 You say you want to get married. So yes, it's a deal breaker. Do you want to be longing to get married to a guy who is probably not going to change his mind?
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