A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible or even advisable to have a relationship with a guy who has a serious drinking problem? I care for him deeply and he says he loves me.... but he is occasionally abusive and I have always stood up for myself but I just feel that I am going nowhere fast. It's very hard for me as I really care for him. Any advice on the drinking problem? I feel that's the source of all our problems....
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female
reader, lotus68 +, writes (18 September 2012):
Thank you all for your feedback. We have just broken up again because I was sick and he had told me he would be staying the night with me at my place, which he does very rarely. I always have yo go to HIS place. I woke up last night at 3 am only to find him gone, without even a note. I was deeply hurt by his behavior and when I told him so, he called me names. I have decided that I just could not take the abuse anymore. I also found out that his social worker helping him with the drinking had left him because he had missed 2 sessions....I am very unimpressed by his behavior and it is clear to me that at 39, he won't ever change. Drinking on average a liter of vodka every other night, I give him 10 years to live. Thank you all again for helping me to remain strong.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Completely bad in every way.
I grew up in a household with two alcoholics. It is why I will never drink alcohol.
The unpredictableness of it.
The yelling. The shouting. The screaming.
Then the humiliating situations brought about by an adult who is too drunk to stand up.
The Lies, the unreliableness of an out of control drunk.
Unable to hold a job eventually.
And you have not even seen him at his worst yet. Plus if he is abusive then things will escalate every time he drinks. It is all not worth it.
Tell him to go to AA. But He has to make the decision to go to AA.
He has to want to get sober. he has to also want to address his own anger issues. And his potential to be abusive.
Don't make his problems your problems
And until he is prepared to get help for himself do WALK away.
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A
female
reader, Peonysheart +, writes (15 September 2012):
 My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. He was drinking for about thirty years and finally went and got help. So im sitting here next to him and asked him openly about your question. His first responce is does he know he has a drinking problem. Secondly if he does than what is causing him to self medicate. Third if your a true alcoholic he would have to have a drive to quit. I refused to have him around me or my children in his condition. He hit rock bottom and went for help. He said he had to hit his bottom before he could realize there was a top. Finally You cant change anyone he has to want to change himself.I wouldnt be with the man I love so much if he had not gotten help. I cannot stress enough all the heartache and pain that a alcoholic relationship can cause. Its has to be one or the other. It will never work as a secure functionable relationship otherwise.I wish you the best of luck. Stay Strong.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I have a friend who is married to an alcoholic. She knew what he was before they got married and was hoping he would change once he starts a family. It is now 10years and they have got three kids but he is still the same. She has grown into a bitter young woman. He hasn't been violent to her so she says but he is just never there for her or the kids.
I wont encourage anyone to go into this.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I was in love with an alcoholic once.
It took me about an hour to completely fall for his charms and 19 years to escape the nightmare our relationship became as a direct result of his subtle selfish slippery slide into drink.
Yes you can have a relationship with an alcoholic...but it most definitely will not be a happy one.
If you think you can change a drinker...you are fooling yourself.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I was married to an alcoholic. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It is life of living hell being with an alcoholic. You will never ever ever be first..the booze will always be what is most near and dear to their heart. They will cheat, steal and lie lie LIE to get the alcohol. This is a case of "Don't walk...RUN!" I cannot stress enough how awful it is being around an alcoholic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): Honey you answered you're own question. Yes. Anything done in excess is not good. So if you want a Lot of heartache, headaches, and even bailing him out of jail, then by all means go ahead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): "serious drinking problem? [edit] he says he loves me.... but he is occasionally abusive" Three of Top Five on DC Top 100 Red Flags Countdown in space of seventeen words. When will women ever get it? When what a guy SAYS directly contradicts what he DOES, believe his actions and not his words. Good thing he's not telling you that he's can sometimes be abusive but always treating you with love and respect. "Any advice on the drinking problem? I feel that's the source of all our problems...."Quick easy solution: The instant you dump him, you no longer have a drinking problem and all "our" other problems immediately vanish along with it. Whether or not he has a drinking problem, ALWAYS bad idea to stay in any abusive relationship, "occasionally" means more than maximum allowable number of abusive episodes, which is one, which means first should have also been last and only. "Occasionally" will quickly increase to "regularly" then "frequently" then "constantly" while escalating in scale and intensity.I suggest you may find counselling helpful, need to lower the desperation level while raising your self-respect and, accordingly, your standards for carbon-based life forms attached to a dick.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 September 2012):
 DO NOT DO IT
I could have written this....
DO NOT DO IT.
if you have doubts
if you can get out... end it....
and tell him, if you ever stop drinking let me know...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Honestly, the only answer is YES. You will never be his priority, drink will always come first, his abuse of you will increase, his social skills will decrease, you wont be able to have any social life with him, his ability to have sex will lessen, his brain cells are shrinking, his ability to think coherently is deteriorating, far better to toss your hands in the air and volunteer at a homeless dog shelter, there the love is guaranteed and your life will be more rewarding.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Is it a bad idea to get involved with an alcoholic?
Yes.
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