A
male
age
41-50,
*maine
writes:I use to think I knew everything but this time I am so confused and in desperate need of help. I am a gay male who has met the man of my dreams, someone who is sweet loving, responsible and I absolutely adore him. There is no doubt in my mind that he feels the same however I am his first gay lover and although he will give me all his love, and anything I ask for he will NOT make love to me. Unfortunatly this is an issue that can break us up. We have discussed it and he has told me that he just can not bring his self to having sex. Other than oral. You see the problem is that not only have we started building a life together but we share a bed together every night and other than my recent busniess trip we have never slept apart. I dont know what to do most people advice would be to end the relationship but he is my world and I am so afraid that if it ends I will never find another man that treats me the way he does. I am 15 years his senior and i have never loved anyone as much as I love him. However I have never had a man that denied me sex either. Please help all advice is needed Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nightwalker +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I understand it's hard for you to sleep right next to the man you love and want to spend your life with, when he won't make love to you, it must suck and then you start doubting yourself and/ or his feelings. You should try to find the right time and talk with him.Tell him exactly how you feel, what you're scared about, tell him how much making love means to you and explain how a relationship can't work without affection of that kind. last tell him you care about him and you want him to be happy, even if that's not with you (I know this will be the headrest thing to say but you must make him feel comfortable to tell you the truth, even IF Its something that will hurt u, it is better to know now , before he betrays you). I agree with Peonysheart , it could be the fact that you are his first gay love. Talk with him... find out what is going on. He's the one who really knows what the issue is, find out why he can't bring himself to having sex.Also I know you love him and losing him might seem the end of the world, but u r only 15, each break up makes u stronger and more aware for future mistakes.... Plus u said no one has rejected having sex with u, well people tend to fall even deeper for the ones who are hard to get. I wish you luck!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Eh.. I am afraid I see it just like Aunty BimBim. I had a male roommate ( young, attractive, heterosexual, in fact rather a ladies'man, and typical wanna-be actor ) that when he was between gigs, - still had no problem making rent, by "dating" older ,generous gay males who were easily taken in by his boyish , affectionate charm, and that were glad to help him out with cash and gifts ( which were promptly sold ), and that were content with kisses and caresses .. maybe a little more, I guess,.... but surely he never had to , or considered to, give up... ahem.. the real good stuff, so to speak.
I guess I am jaded for having lived so many years in NYC, and if you are from , say, North Dakota things are different over there ,and people mean what they say and say what they mean... but let me assure that in the Big Apple that's the oldest trick in the book, whole classes of drama, art and music students are supplementing their income by befriending and romancing older financially stable gay men. Some of them are gay or bisex too- and many of them would call themselves definitely heterosexual, but they think that " Paris is well worth a mass".
Where did your bf live , before meeting you ? does he work, has he got a good salary, is HE generous with you , does he treat you some times ? if he moved out and had to pay rent... would that be a big problem for him ?
Sorry, I know what I am saying sounds nasty and mean spirited, but... you know how it is : love is blind, and the world is a big , bad place. Plus, when somebody is in love, they WANT to be intimate with their loved one, whether before that they have made love to women, men, or animals.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I can be cynical when it comes to people under 30. Are you showering him with all the good things in life, little gifts, good food, is he working, does he support himself, who owns the house, and the bed you are sleeping in, are you totally 100% sure he is as committed and in love as you, or is he using you as an easy meal ticket.
If not having sex is a deal breaker, its a deal breaker. You cant force anybody to have sex with you. Tell him its a deal breaker and see what happens.
I hope I am wrong, but if I am not, better to find out now rather than a few years down the track. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (15 September 2012):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) Ask him what's up and maybe he'll let you know.. Maybe he wants to wait and there shouldn't be any problem with waiting, honestly if you truly love someone you'll wait for them.. Not forever but wait for long enough to the extent where you're not pressuring them into doing something that you know they're not ready. Just wait and if you count your lucky stars he'll tell you why.
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A
female
reader, Peonysheart +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Honestly given your description of the relationship. I think he is just a little scared. You said you are his first gay lover. That means alot. He has never actually taken that plunge yet. I think maybe given time, understanding and letting him become comfortable with the two of you being a gay couple could help.
Best of luck to you both
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