A
female
age
51-59,
*ammie
writes:My husband is very controlling and abusive. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I left, thinking he would miss me and stop the abuse but he is just as bad if not worse. He still calls me names and degrades me. He accuses me of cheating on him. He calls me a b^^ch and worse names and I have never, in our 15 yrs of marriage cheated on him. When we do talk about working on our marriage, he says I have to be submissive. I told him we can work together instead of against each other and that just makes him angry. He controls all the finances and has passwords on all the accounts and his name only on them. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to get him to see things my way just a little bit? Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): Get out. Get a lawyer. Move to another city so he can't track you down for "humiliating" him. Forget him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): You need to stop focusing on HIM, and start focusing on getting YOURSELF to change. Meaning, you need to leave him for good because you cannot change him no matter how hard you try. Most abusers do not ever change. At this point you are the one who needs to change, which is, you need to let go finally and move on without him.if you leave him for good, that increases the chance he will change for his NEXT RELATIONSHIP (so you'll be doing his next partner a favor) but not for yours because if you get back with him then you haven't really left him so of course he wont' change.Repeat: he will not change, so you need to give up on this idea of him changing or else you'll just be stuck in this situation forever spinning your wheels and suffering abuse. Instead you need to focus on moving your life forward without him.
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A
female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (11 January 2013):
I was engaged to a man that was the same way as your husband. I have to say from my experience (I have had over 20 relationships since I was 15) if he is accusing you of cheating, he's cheating on you. He's accusing you because of his own gilt.
As for his abuse, you can't and won't get him to change. He has his own insecurities and issues and the only one that can change him is himself. What makes things worse is that you are still with him. He will not change because he knows that you will put up with it as long as you stay.
If you have left before I suggest you leave again and stay away. If he contacts you, tell him the only way you will consider coming back is if he will go to counseling with you and after he's made changes to himself on how he treats you, you will consider coming back. Whatever you do, don't go back to him until he respects you otherwise he will just keep treating you the way he does.
He doesn't respect you at all and no matter what you have together no one deserves to be treated that way. The longer you stay, the only thing your doing is encouraging his behavior. If he won't change for himself he won't change for you. He has to see what he's doing and how wrong it is before he will change himself.
I'm not saying that when you leave him you need to divorce him because you don't. But you should leave and have no contact with him until he contacts you and then don't fight with him just tell him that until he learns to change himself you will never come back if he can't see that how he treats you is wrong.
Me personally, I would leave and never speak to him ever again. My ex that I was engaged to got so bad after we split up that he started harassing me and my current boyfriend had gotten involved. We had to change my phone number and thankfully he doesn't know where I live because I moved away from that state I was in where my ex and I were together. He was trying to control me and verbally abuse me even though we were 1400 miles away from each other.
You need to move and move as far away as you possibly can and if you have children you need to take them out of there as well. Go to the courts and get a separation with the stipulations that your children stay with you. A relationship like that will be very very damaging to kids.
I hope this helps and I hope you make the right choices for your own self worth.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 January 2013):
 You can't change him. What you CAN do, however, is to make an appointment with a lawyer to begin exploring what you would be entitled to if you go ahead with divorce proceedings.
In the meantime, if you are still living with him - or near him - LEAVE. Do not let him have a key to your new home!
Your safety and well-being is paramount, and your abusive husband is making it very, very clear that he doesn't care about your welfare. It's WAY past time to stop any and all attempts to work on your marriage!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 January 2013):
You can't change him. What you CAN do, however, is to make an appointment with a lawyer to begin exploring what you would be entitled to if you go ahead with divorce proceedings.
In the meantime, if you are still living with him - or near him - LEAVE. Do not let him have a key to your new home!
Your safety and well-being is paramount, and your abusive husband is making it very, very clear that he doesn't care about your welfare. It's WAY past time to stop any and all attempts to work on your marriage!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): "Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to get him to see things my way just a little bit?"
Nothing you can do to "get" him to do anything he is not inclined to do otherwise. You are asking the impossible. He is an abuser and controller and he will NEVER change. You have your head in the sand if you continue to delude yourself into thinking otherwise.
You need counselling to get the help, support, information and strategies you need to make a clean, final, safe break from him as you are incapable of escaping him on your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): No, you do not deserve to be treated that way, and no, he is not going to change unless he wants to....he's been like that for 15 years and does not recognize what he is doing is wrong...he's not going to be able to change what he does not acknowledge and you need to stop allowing it to go on.
You had better get some accounts in your name and fast. You had better have some money in the bank in your name only and fast. If he is controlling everything and you have nothing, it's going to be very difficult to get out on your own financially. Protect yourself and start working on it now! There are plenty of books, articles internet sites that can help you prepare for what you must do in order to get out of this mess. there are also plenty of hotlines for abuse situations that you can call for support and help. If there are children involved, its even more crucial you do whatever it takes to get out of there.
Please get out and take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Hi
You say you have left? I hope you haven't gone back.
If you are still separated then file for a divorce. In the meantime you don't need to communicate with him.
If you have gone back, leave again,for your own sake and to get the children,if you have any,out of this destructive environment before they grow up thinking thats how relationships are.
You have no need to tolerate his behaviour, you wouldn't let a friend or sibling treat you this way and he isn't going to change now is he,he's had 15 years to do that.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Hi Jammie,
You have already done what I would suggest. I have posted the three rules for abusive relationships.
1 Protect the children,
2 Protect your physical self.
3 Get out.
You said you left him. I do hope you have not returned.
Somewhere in the New testament it says "wives submit to your husband." Some men unfortunately believe that this gives them license to do what your husband is doing. They use this one scripture and ignore all of the other advice and examples of being "equally yoked". What the scripture means is that after you have both discussed the problem and you can't agree to an answer, and an action must be taken. then the wife should submit to her husband and he will be solely responsible for the consequences of his decision.
It is too bad he controls all the money. You are going to have to get a judge, and probably a sheriff, to help you get your share.
Pay attention to the dire warnings Aunty Em has posted. People die in the situation you are in.
FA
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (11 January 2013):
This man is not looking for an equal partner, and does not have any interest in an equal partner. Leave him if you need an equal relationship.
I hear tell that this sort of thing works for some women. Personally, I don't see it, but I suppose stranger things have happened.
You need to leave this guy. Alternatively, Pam Smart and Lorrena Bobbet figured out how to change their husbands.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 January 2013):
 The thing about controlling men is that they are fuelled and satisfied by having their partner EXACTLY where they want them...under the thumb and cowering.
To have a woman in that position is absolutely PERFECT for the controller and they will do absolutely anything they have to in order to keep things that way...even if it means abusing the woman.
Control of money, control of behaviour, control of what you wear, where you go, who you hang out with, control of the sex, control of what you say....EVERYTHING is manipulated so the controller gets what he wants.
He has told you to be submissive to him, what he is really saying is DO AS YOU ARE TOLD AND QUIT WHINING...or else!!
Controllers often operate through fear of loss of the person they control...whether it's a real fear or just in their head, there is NOTHING you can do to change this behaviour, because he is already sitting in the driving seat and does not trust you...and there is no way he's going to let you take the wheel, because that would be too unpredictable and you might start getting ideas of your own which would undermine his position.
The abusiveness is a whole nother issue...he does not have the right to abuse you, but he will never see it as wrong or stop doing it because it is so deeply combined with the behaviour he has been getting away with for years and years...it has become normal to him and part of his relationship with you...it's also a quick route to him getting his own way because he knows he can scare you into submission...like a BULLY!
IF you knew this was going to be how your life was until you die...would you stay?
IF you knew he was never going to change and his behaviour was going to get worse and worse...would you stay?
If you knew that the person you are now would completely dissapear in the next twenty or thirty years into some frightened scared little shadow who is not allowed to move...would you stay?
If you knew that his abusive behaviour may turn into violence (because he's going to keep testing his boundaries to get control)and he could potentially hrt you or even kill you...would you stay?
If you knew you were going to be treading on egg shells afraid to open your mouth for the rest of your life...
WOULD YOU STAY?????.....WOULD YOU?
If you think love will save you...you are wrong!!!...You need to leave him!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): RUN!!! he won't change
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): No. You will not be able to change this man. Don't let this go on any longer. You need to make a fresh start. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. Turn to your family and friends for support and leave this man immediately.
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