A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Well I need some help with my relationship. Here's the background:I am 17 and he is 16. One exact year apart in age. We have been dating for 2 years and 8 months. When met I thought it was love but found out it was infatuation. Long story short, we have been in a serious relationship. As our relationship grew, I got more mature thinking about my future already, but unfortunately it does not include him. I feel like I have to drag him everywhere, as though he was my child. He plays his video games constantly, doesn't eat (so I always have to make sure he eats), make sure he goes to school on time and not to mention push him in his studies. He always says he's the smartest, even though he gets Fs and is continuously missing to get school work done. I always want the best but its like he's ignoring me.He is an only child with a single mother who often works all week and sees him maybe twice a week? (when she's home she's asleep since she has a night time job also). She always tells me she's happy her son met someone like me and that she loves me. Finals are coming and im stressed out most since I like getting my straight A's, but also having to push him to make sure he passes.He reminds me he's in love with me every once in a while because I play with him as a best friend and a girlfriend.Another influence, is that I get constant nasty comments from classmates for dating him because he is one year younger(stupid teenagers) and also since he is about my height but slightly shorter, I get comments for that too.It's difficult if I do break up since I have no friends to go with.He is my first love, likewise to him, so I've never broke up with anyone.Am I overreacting because of our one year age difference?Am I being too pushy or too helpful..y?My question for advice is (now that you know), what should I do?
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 The very beginning of your problem reminded me of my last relationship, except I'm 21 and my ex is 23. It is easy to think you're in love when you're not and sometimes something has to happen or change for you to realise that. But it sounds to me like you are not in love with him. You shouldn't stick around out of guilt to care for him, he will have to learn to take care of himself. My ex learnt a lot about taking care of himself while we were together and although I worry a little about him sometimes, it does feel good to have the weight off my mind, as it's not nice feeling like someone is your responsibility. The fact that you're older than him makes no difference, but if you don't love him, you shouldn't stick around out of guilt, you should do what makes you happy, and if that means breaking up then that's what you should do. He will have to learn to look after himself. You're 17 you don't need that responsibility, go out and leave. He'll grow up =]
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Well yes you are mothering him, in the absence of his mother he relies on you to sort his life out - and this isnt a real relationship.
I dont think the age difference has too much to do with it, because most boys between the ages of 13 and 18 spend most of their time playing computer games and being lazy. Some guys even carry on with this behaviour even into their 20's! So I dont think him being a year younger is a big deal, you could meet a guy a year older and he could still be the exact same as your boyfriend.
The issue is you mothering him, this isnt what a real relationship should be. If you play the mother role then there romance is going to suffer, intimacy is going to suffer and you wont get much out of this relationship. Saying "I love you" every now and then isnt going to cut the mustard, he needs to be your equal in this relationship and show you how he feels.
I think from the tone of your post it sounds like you have already made your mind up, breaking up is never easy but it sounds like you have too much on in your life at the moment to be a mother to a teenage boy as well.
All you can do is break up with him face to face, explain that you are not happy anymore and cant carry on any longer, and that you are sorry but you have to break up with him. He might get upset so be prepared for that, but make sure you stay strong and dont let his tears affect you. If you know deep down that breaking up with him is the right thing to do, then make sure you stick to it.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Maybe what you do is neither exactly too pushy nor too helpful, but, yes, you are mothering him. You are filling up for his mother's inadequacies, which is generous of you , but totally not your job, and totally detrimental in the dynamics of a couple. He is alreday not your bf anymore, he is your child or pupil. Which is not strange , because ,at 16, - or worse when you started dating, at 13 ! - he IS a child . You are obviously quite a few steps ahead of him in terms of maturity , responsibility, being future oriented..., and you are pushing and pulling to make him reach you at where you are. This must be very frustrating for you, and honestly I don't even know if it's fair to him , everybody should grow at their own speed in their own way ( within limits of course ) . The age difference DOES show in your case, and that's not strange. while , if you were 25 and he 24, it would not even be worth mentioning... now he is still a kid and you are a young woman.
If you have doubts and in general you are not happy with the sttauts quo, maybe you should call it quits now. Because, frankly when two people get involved in these kind of dynamics where they are not equal partners anymore, but one becomes the parent/ authority figure of the other, things are very likely to go belly up soon anyway.
The parental role you play may be very useful in practical terms, and I am sure he is very grateful to you for all your help... but at the same time, it kills the erotism, the camaraderie, the FUN in a relationship. And since it's sort of doomed anyway, maybe you'd better start now being with other people who are more on your wavelength and at a more similar point of mental and emotional growth.
...............................
|
