A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, my boyfriend and I have been together on and off, for nearly four years now. It has had it's good parts and it's bad parts like any relationship I guess but I feel like I have hit a wall in the relationship now. I am coming here because the forum members of DC have always helped me choose the right path when I get stuck! I feel like I want to be on my own but I don't know if I am being stupid.On the good side, he is like my best friend, he tells me I look nice every day, he meets me after work when it's dark and I can be my complete self around him without fear of being judged (a huge factor for me). On the other hand I think the fact that we got together so young (I was 15 he was 16) but we've grown up very different. Nowadays he gets angry if I don't listen to him when he complains about how screwed the world is and talking about himself but if I start talking he will cut me short telling me not to bother talking because he won't care. I try and support him and give him ideas to get his ideal job but he doesn't care. He won't do anything unless it's done for him by someone else and lacks independence, he did not support me when I wanted to go to another college, instead he told me not to go because I would meet someone else and got mad because there were two guys in my class. Despite the fact in the first year and a half he cheated on me with about seven different people (I don't know if it's still happening or how many times, one being one of my old close friends) he gets jealous over my guy friends which has given me so much hassle I have had to distance myself from them and I miss them so much - something I can never re-kindle. He goes through my phone all the time and flips out if an unsaved number calls me. I can't have him in my home or on my computer anymore because he goes through my drawers and storage and my social networking and emails, trying to find dirt on me. In the past I've found him on dating sites himself where I have not existed. He hates me going out and grills me about where I'm going, who I am with, to let him know if I end up cheating on him. He gets angry if I don't call him every hour, on the hour. He knows I have never cheated but my trust issues now are more in tact than his own. If I do something he doesn't like he can go days without contacting me. He makes me question my self worth and I know that my self esteem issues must stem from here. There is so much water under this bridge, I have tried to leave him before but it's always been irrational, i.e. I have still cared too much, or I'm petrified of being alone. I know everyone thinks we are for keeps, but I want something special with someone who will respect me, who I can talk to, who will spoil me equally, most importantly I want to be able to see my friends and go out without being totally grilled about it! If not I think I can be happy alone. Is that normal in a long term relationship? My friends have problems too but not on this scale... I know I won't be able to talk to my boyfriend face to face about this because he will not listen or he will walk away. I know when it hits home he'll be begging for me back because 'he needs me'. But I don't want this anymore. We have not spoken in days now, and I am fine... Please let me know if I am being irrational guys, so I can come to a descision. I've grown up with this so I'm not sure what's normal and what's not and I genuinely don't know If I am being out of line, but I know deep down I want out! Please help!
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best friend, cheated on me, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Zaaleena  +, writes (6 November 2012):
Going to add my voice to the chorus of other aunts and uncles but this is completely double standards. At this moment I think you could do better
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 November 2012):
 How can you think you're being irrational when he's cheated on you, yet thinks it's okay to root through your personal life to check if you're cheating on him?? This will never be irrational, if anything, it's common sense to dump this guy who sounds like a lazy, asshole to be Frank! If you even have to consider the relationship for a second, you know yourself that something is wrong. Personally, it sounds like you can find someone better to date than a serial cheater.
Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 November 2012):
 There is not a single reason to stay with him - he is a serial cheater hence why he cannot trust you, because he cant trust himself and he knows what he is capable of, hence why he is afraid of someone doing the same to him.
This relationship ran its course as soon as he cheated on you the first time, it seems the only reason you are with him is because you have been with him from such a young age you are scared of what life will be like without him.
But I can tell you now what life will be like - a million times better! Imagine this; you will be able to go out whenever you like, with whoever you like as often as you like. You will be able to be friends with anyone, male or female. You wont have anyone checking up on you, you will be free to be an individual with your own thoughts and own life that you can live as you wish. You wont have to worry or doubt him anymore, you wont have to concern yourself with what he is doing behind your back. You wont have to speak to anyone if you dont want every hour, all your time will be for yourself.
What you have currently is the opposite of what a real relationship should be like - when you have a happy relationship where both partners love each other and respect each other they are interested in what each other have to say, are happy to communicate if there are any problems and discuss issues through talking, they will enjoy hearing about what each other have to say, will openly encourage each other to strive to achieve in life and everything they do. They will trust each other and never doubt each other unless there is good reason to doubt, and even then it will involve a discussion first before anyone acts irrationally. They will support each other in achieving their dreams and goals, and will be positive in the knowledge their partner is working towards those goals, even if they are worried about change.
I hope you can see that your relationship is the opposite of what it should be, and you have wasted more than enough time on this awful man already. He treats you like crap basically and you are a doormat, letting him get away with it. This has to be it now, you have to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you, you should be having fun doing what you want, not being controlled by a serial cheater with no care for anyone but himself.
Dont allow this to continue - end the relationship and never look back, no matter how much he begs you. And he will beg, because he will realise that he will never do better than you and will never find a girl who will put up with him like you do. But the key here is that YOU CAN DO A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN HIM!! While he will know he cant do better, you must keep telling yourself that there is a lot better out there and you deserve to find someone so much better.
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A
male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon +, writes (6 November 2012):
 Dear Anonymous
Time for a change. I agree with CindyCares he has become a bad habit. Let go, move on and start living your life for yourself.
Hope this helps
Stephen Stewart Nixon
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2012):
 Irrational ? If any, you have been irrational spending 4 years of your life with such a self absorbed serial cheater and control freak - that 's what NOT normal. Wanting a relationship based on mutual trust and mutual respect is normal, as it is normal being serenely single rather than subjecting yourself to the most mortifying compromises just for the sake of having- nominally- a partner.
Congratulations for having come to your sense eventually, and - ditch him ASAP, he is not a boyfriend, he is a bad habit !
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