A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm a guy who just turned 25 last week and have started dating a brilliant girl who is only 16, 17 in a couple of months. Is this too big an age gap for a relationship? I've known this girl for a few months and she has had the hots for me from day one, I shrugged off the idea of a relationship for a while because I know not a lot of my family or hers would not approve, am I being stupid? We talk and say how I look younger than I am and she looks older. She has a sister who is one year younger than her and I just look at her as a child, so why do I not look at my gf like that? I need some advice because even though we have a great time when we're together, it still plays on my mind. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): ok lets start with the legal terms here!! the age of concent in the uk is 16,you can actually marry at 16 with both parents consent and thats law, ok I was born in 1972 my mother was 21 and my father was 41 so thats a 20 year age gap it certainly wasnt an issue then so why should it be now ,we seem to live in a society now where this sort of thing is perverted,get a life guys its not perverted if both consent,parents are involed and everything is talked about within the familys concerned, then why should goody goodys determin whats right from wrong,if you both love each other,have fun and have alot in common go for it ..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Hey, I'm the guy who wrote this and I'm sorry Lola1, I was a bit of a hot head. Well we're two weeks in and its going great so I'm just gonna ride with it. Everyone in the families seem to approve. Her mum even said to her "keep a hold of him, you'll never find a guy who loves you and cares for you the way he does" which after two weeks I think is a good start. Oh and woohoo MissWright, same namesake as me, hehe. Thanks guys.
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A
female
reader, MissWright +, writes (10 September 2009):
I dont see anything wrong with the age gap
some 16 /17 year old girls can be very mature. there is a 4 year age gap between and my boyfriend, i know the gap isnt as big but there is no difference i dont even think about it
its not illegal and if you like eachother then thats all that matters :)
age is just a number
hope this helps
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (9 September 2009):
 You might, for example, look at this relationship with a 4 year gap and see how well it is working out for the guy.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-fight-for-our-7-year-relationship.html
FA
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (9 September 2009):
 To clarify:
I did not call you a rapist, but advised you of the legal scenario where I am. I went on to say that I didn't know the scenario in your area.
Then I closed saying that if there was no issue of legality, only the two of you could rightfully determine if the age gap was too great.
I should not have to point out to you that I spent time and thought on my response, without judging you in the best way that I could. What you choose to do with that, is up to you.
However, when thinking of posting your personal details on the internet and ASKING for input on it, I recommend developing a tougher skin before you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): i dont see a problem. she is 16 anyway,not that dating is illegal but all the same. age shouldnt count in a loving relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): HEY, I posted this question and forgot to mention that I live in the UK. We are school educated 4 - 16 and the age of consent is 16, hence why this girl is in college. Peopl answering this question in the states and canada might want to think her maturity more on a level of a college student. Not that me and her are up to anything after a week, I've got a bit more respect for her than that. So, especially to Lola1, there would be nothing legal about it, technically I could marry this girl with her parents permission. So you can drop any thoughts of rape right now as I am highly insulted by it. I am an honest law abiding man who has not even had a speeding ticket, the only time I've been in a police station is to collect lost property.
Thanks for the advice guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): The age of consent in England and Wales is 16, unless one of the parties is in a position of authority (like a teacher) in relation to the other party. In such a case the age of consent is 18.
So, as long as he's not her teacher, there is no legal issue.
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A
female
reader, weepingwillow  +, writes (8 September 2009):
Hey actually in the U.K 17 is the legal age of consent so if the two of you decide to have sex after she turns 17 theres nothing legally wrong.
Personally I don't think that 8yrs is a huge age gap. Its a fact that girls mature quicker than boys. Most of my friends who are 17-19 have boyfriends who are in there 20s, its just the way it is. One of my friends who is 17 has a bf who is 29, but theyre not in a sexual relationship yet.
Hope that makes you feel better!
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (8 September 2009):
I don’t know what the legalities are involving 25 year olds and 16/17 year olds and sexual intimacy in your area. In my area as I understand it, your current circumstances would be considered statutory rape if there is sexual intimacy.Also in my area, statutory rape means that your 16/17 year old girlfriend is not LEGALLY recognized as having the maturity to consent to a sexual encounter, and you would be deemed a sexual predator for the rest of your life, along with pedophiles and standard rapists, whether she consented to the act or not. She also would have no say in whether or not charges are laid.I would advise you to end things until such time as your relationship no longer has such legal ramifications.NOW - let’s pretend there is no issue related to breaking the law:Generally and especially between the ages of 25 and 16 or 17, there are immense changes which occur. We grow exponentially from the age of 16 to 25. We are completely new people by the time we advance to that age from the one we began as.Having said that, when you are older, eight years is not such a huge age difference when it comes to “love”. The difference between a 33 year old and a 41 year old may not seem so large an age gap as it does when you are a young adult dating a teenager.In short:1) OBEY THE LAW!2) When you are obeying the law, the only people with authority to dictate whether this relationship is right or wrong, is you and your girlfriend.Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): well i agree with the others and here is my story...i know you are not contemplating marriage, just a relationship. I was always the youngest in my group and always felt and acted older than i was. Also attracted only to older guys...Hence when my friends who were 2~5 years older than i began dating, i was allowed to also.(my parents were strict about who, where, curfews, and only within the church group.,)when i was 16 i married (yea, i know but i threatened to run off to texas where it was legal (i lived about an hour away from the state line in oklahoma) my husband was 20 and i was afraid he would not want to wait on me. We were both virgins and not partyers. Looking back i know that dating too young was to blame. My parents did not allow my 2 younger sisters to date until they were much older. Lol (they saw the error of their ways) On my 1st anniv. I had a 2 wk old baby and 15 mo later at the tender age of 18 i had baby #2. We have made it almost 27 years now, but i cannot begin to tell you how difficult it was the first 15 years or so. When she is 20, give it a try if you both still want to. And by the way, yes we were responsible and did use birth control. I have 7 children from ages 7~ 26. What if it doesnt work for you either? Lol just something to think about.
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A
male
reader, JSBach +, writes (8 September 2009):
It does seem like a pretty massive age difference - I used to teach at secondary school, and 16-year-olds really do seem like children.
Having said that, if you do get on well, and if there are no embarrassing silences when you realise that you have little in common, and if you feel comfortable with the relationship, go for it.
Sure the relationship probably won't last, but let's be honest: if she was going out with a boy of her own age, would you expect them to still be together five or ten years down the line?
One last point I just remembered. A former colleague of mine started going out with a 16-year-old when he was in his early 30s. He broke off a long engagement to be with her and got beaten up twice by this girl's brothers.
I thought he was mad, but the last I heard they were still married and had three children, and they've been together for nearly 10 years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): I think theres no problem at all with a 8 year age gap, im a 17 year old girl and my bf is 23, some might think its not a good idea, but i dont see why not?, if shes mature enough to handle a serious relationship then its fine!
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female
reader, Emaz help +, writes (8 September 2009):
 Personally no. I've always been with older guys, when i was 14 i was with a 25year old, when i was 16 i was with a 26 year old and my current bf is 22 (im 17), i don't think i've ever been out with anyone under the age of 20 just because i think that boys under that age are still quite immature and most of them just want sex and older men know how to treat women. If you're happy then don't worry about it
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 September 2009):
I have often thought "what does a mature 21 + guy see in a teenage girl?" and there are some pretty rude answers to that. In your case you are reluctant and she is pursuing, so I'm thinking what's in it for her. The answer is prestige. She gets to parade you around like a prize bull. It is proof to her friends that she can attract any man. It is prof to herself and her parents how "mature" she is. Also older guys have more money. Now this may not be the case in her mind. But, normally it would be. Many men are willing to accept a teen girlfriend for excitement or a fresh new face or power (which is a lie, she's the one who is playing you) for those things they will put up with being her show piece.
My advice is to respect your self and shrug off her advances. She has the hots for what you represent, not for you. You won't be breaking her heart. In fact she will bounce back quicker than you thought possible. You are in the UK, out her not that many years ago the advice I would be giving you would be to learn to duck shotgun blasts. So take the advice from the families and let her find a boy her age to break his heart and save yours for some one more mature.
FA
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (8 September 2009):
 wow that was the best advice ever on this topic congrats Kc 100 and Twocents, very good advice. I totally agree. Let this girl go, find a woman you can have a future with shes just having a crush it'll fade im 99% sure this girl is not considering mariage chilldren or settling down she has to experience broken hearts and breakups mascara running down her face and scarfing hagen daz at 3 in the morning.in an ideal world a girl could meet the the guy of her dreams at 16 and everything would be great but in reality its just to young of an age to kno what you want to be so certain about the rest of your life. Let her down in an easy way dont be the lucky guy that breaks her heart for the first time but let her go who knows in ten years or so you might meet back up with her and things could work out
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (8 September 2009):
 It is not a large gap technically. There is a ten year gap in my own marriage. However, it is the stages of life that you are in which can easily pose a problem in your case. 30 and 38 is like not a big deal at all, but 16 and 25 could very well be. The gap becomes less significant the older the people are, but at 16 she is still forming... you can take the risk if you want, but you need to ask her the "what if in two years you might want to... " type of questions and see what she answers.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 Well this is pretty difficult. I am 22 and dating a 31 year old guy, hence the age gap in my case is bigger than yours however I think in your case yes, the gap is too big.I might sound hypocritical there but let me explain myself! Aged 16, she is still really a child. She is a teenager that will want to do all the things a teenager normally does, whereas you are a fully grown man with (I am assuming here) a job, possibly a house or at least renting somewhere, a car....basically you are an adult and she wont be for a few more years! You are at completely different stages in life and that is where you will encounter the problems! She will want to go out partying, experiencing alcohol for the first few times when drinking is still exciting, she will want to be out with her friends, she will probably want to go to uni or at least finish her A levels etc. Whereas you have been through all that and if you are honest with yourself, you will be wanting to settle down with a nice girl sometime soon, not going out partying every saturday night with a bunch of teenagers!I once dated a 21 year old when I was 16 (I know the age gap is a little smaller but it still made a big difference). He started to talk about marriage, kids, moving in together etc whereas I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at 16! If I would have stayed with him then I think he would have held me back in life - when you are in your late teens you need to be able to be free to do as you please and follow your dreams, not to be held back because of a relationship. And even if you think you would be happy for her to do whatever she wanted and you would support her in all of her decisions, what if in a year or 2 she decides she wants to go to uni at the other side of the country when you have been thinking "I'd quite like to spend the rest of my life with this girl?"You have to be realistic - an 8 year age gap when you are 30 and she is 22 is not bad at all. But an 8 year age gap when you involve a teenager is a very different matter. Not because you wouldnt have a great relationship, because I am sure that for about 1 year it would be amazing and you would never be happier. But you would get to the point where you are getting really serious about her and thinking about your future, whereas she would start to feel held back by you and would want to go off and do her own thing. It is all up to you - if you think you can handle the uncertainty and the strong chance that this relationship will not go much further than a couple of years, then go for it! But if you do see yourself falling for this girl then you need to be fully aware of what you are falling for - a teenager who is going to be going through a lot of changes in the next few years and there is no guarantee that you will be part of her future plans, no matter how long you spend together or how much you love her. Teenage girls are flighty creatures and hate to be tied down, they get strong crushes on guys and then actively pursue them, maybe even spend a year or so with them. But eventually when something major in their lives change - like going away to uni, getting a new job etc then they often feel like there is more to life then they have experienced and want to take off and be free. I suppose you could say "what is life if you dont take chances" so you could take a chance on this girl and see how it goes. Just keep in the back of your mind how much your life changed between the ages of 16 and 21 and that might give you some idea of what is ahead if you do continue dating her.I hope this helps and good luck!
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