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In an LDR for 3 years, we rarely see each other, and have had sex 3 times! She says she loves me but I'm not sure she wants to be with me. What should I do?

Tagged as: Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 May 2014) 13 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2014)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hello.I am a 31 year old guy and I have been in a relationship with a younger woman for the past 3 years.We live around 100 miles from one another but have kept things going but I rarely ever see her and in those 3 years she has come up to see me ONCE.She says this is becuase she has a young child of 4 years old.During the time we have been together I have caught her out lying many times.One time she told me she was at a party and kissed a guy but when I asked about it she said they had sex for 20 minutes but onky because he was threatening her and she was scared.She then changed the story and said she never done anything with him but he took her pants down (this was to explain the reason he would have known she doesn't shave down there). She goes days and weeks without contacting me but I get texts from her Mother regularly saying that my Girlfriend loves me,things will get better etc. Then a few months ago my Girlfriend said she lost her mobile phone so could only text or call from her Mothers phone but I have just found out that she has had a new phone for ages.She also has a Facebook which my Sister found,I tried to find it to add her but found I had been blcoked from her profile. Just last night,her Mother told me that my Girlfriend does want to be with me,loves me and wants us to start from scratch. We have only had sex THREE times in the time I have known her. I love this girl so much but it's stressing me out like crazy!Part of me thinks she is either ashamed of me or does now want me but just does not to tell me she doesn't want to be with me but I have said this to her and she is adaman she wants to be with me and loves me.I have a 9 year old Daughter and she has a 4 year old Son,they adore each other and my Daughter loves my Girlfriend and her Mother loads too.What on earth should I do? Please help!!

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2014):

Mark1978 agony aunt"She lives with her Mother and her Mother has assured me there is nonody else too."

Erm I dont want to sound a bit blunt but if you have to ask your GFs mother where you stand then I think you need to get real and see that this so called relationship is a farce! Besides, what's her mom really going to say to you? "Oh yes mate, my daughters off with loads of different blokes behind your back, lies to you and is stringing you along, give my daughter the elbow!" Come on OP!!!

"She is saying she wants for us to get a house together and be a family." So you are going to make the massive emotional and financial commitment of living with someone, and settling down with them, after they have lied to you, cheated on you and made no effort with you? How can you hope to make this farce work when in three years you have had sex just three times, and its all she can do to bother to see you! You think that going from sleeping together once a year to being together every night, and going from seeing each other once every blue moon to every day and night, is going to work?

Im sorry OP but you need to see that this is not a relationship. Its ridiculous. I'm sorry if I sound rude but your in your 30s now. You should have outgrown this nonsense her and her mother are telling you.

"She goes days and weeks without contacting me but I get texts from her Mother regularly saying that my Girlfriend loves me,things will get better etc" Cant you see how absurd this is!!! Good god OP please wake up and see how crazy this situation has become. If your "GF" loves you then SHE should be telling you that, not her bloody mother! Yet she doesn't give you the time of day from one week tot he next????

"she is adamant she wants to be with me and loves me" ACTIONS speaker louder than WORDS. She can say she loves you and is committed to you all she likes but that doesn't change the reality of the situation.

"I have a 9 year old Daughter and she has a 4 year old Son, they adore each other and my Daughter loves my Girlfriend and her Mother loads too"

Sounds like your kids have got closer and spent more time together than you and you GF!!! I know it will be hard on the kids to accept it if you split, which I heartily recommend, but they are CHILDREN!!! Do you really think your nine year old daughter understands that someone other than you knows your "GF" shaves her mound? Can a kid of 9 fully understand that you make love once a year? This is a relationship between two adults, although by her behaviour perhaps that's questionable. Its is NOT a kids club.

Get rid of this liar and user and see the reality of this situation. She neither respects you, cares enough for you nor makes any effort. Plus she is flashing her bits at other men, and probably more, then making pathetic excuses. Oh and she lost her phone? Erm your supposed to be her boyfriend so im sure she could have found a payphone, used a mates mobile or rang from work. Oh but it turns out that was just an excuse? Well I think that's a massive message there OP!!!

Final word: Her mother says your Gf loves you. Your GF blocks you on facebook. As I said, actions speak louder than words.

Good luck.

Mark

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (7 May 2014):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYour girlfriend lies to you, cheats on you, she's a grossly irresponsible young single mother, she clearly doesn't want to be with you but is being pressurized into it by mommy dearest because you're a catch.

No one else would be foolish enough to say that they "love" this girl except you and mommy knows this well enough. She knows her daughter better than anyone else and she knows that no one in their senses would ever accept her.

So what does she do?

She tries to cajole the one person in the world who's stupid enough to accept the daughter despite all the lies and cheating, to believe that the daughter loves him and wants him to live with her, to take her off mommy's hands.

What a lovely family!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (7 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI have to agree with CMMP,

WHAT is the point of this "relationship"? I have to say that if NEITHER of you plan to move towards a goal of BEING together there is no point in "dating" other then to SAY you have a GF/BF.

Her mother runs interference for her daughter - SHE is on her DAUGHTER's side, not yours. And the mom is smart enough to see that you would be good for her daughter. So she is trying to gloss over her daughter's behavior.

She LIES to you. She CHEATS on you. She doesn't think she SHOULD come spend time with you. I mean seriously, if she lives with her mother (and the mother is such a FAN of you two) I'm SURE the mom would watch the child for a week-end. What good is she?

You say you LOVE her. But from what you write you LOVE a fictional character NOT her.

I'd cut my losses and find someone closer.

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A male reader, crushed_by_love United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2014):

For whatever reason, she's leading you on while she continues her day to day life that she doesn't want to involve you in. She sees you as nothing more than a fallback option for when it all goes wrong.

Reading your post, my initial reaction was that its her texting you whilst pretending to be her mother, so she can keep tabs on you whilst drip-feeding you enough about her to keep you hanging in there.

Have you ever actually met her mother?

You should end it now and keep your dignity. Find someone nearer home where you can have an equal relationship

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2014):

celtic_tiger agony auntOP - Are you financially providing for this woman and her child?

Is she getting anything from you apart from this imaginary relationship?

I am sure she wants to get a house with you if she thinks you are going to be paying for it!

You are the same age as me, and I cannot imagine being led on in the way that she doing to you.

Please do yourself a favour and move on. You are worth way more than this!

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (7 May 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntyour follow up tells me all I need to know

"her mother has assured me"

do you have a relationship with this woman or her mother?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (7 May 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntThis is not a girlfriend.

This is not even a long distance relationship.

I got to 100 miles apart and 3 years and knew what I needed to say.

END it.

she's NOT into you.

she's not faithful

she's not honest or trustworthy.

she lies to you

she deceives you

My husband and I met in August 2010... by december 2010 although we were 100 miles apart we opted to start a casual relationship. By March 2011 casual flew out the window and I had already seen my then boyfriend and had sex with him more times in 3 months than you have in three years with the same distance...

and ONCE we got SERIOUS (april 2011) i was up with him every weekend. By December 2011 he had given up his apartment and moved to be with me.

LDRS have ONE primary goal and that's for the couple to NOT be LDR... after three years someone needed to move or both of you needed to move and split the difference.

Also why in the world would you be comfortable with a woman's MOTHER telling you how the WOMAN feels... either way sounds like mom is too enmeshed in her adult child's life.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States +, writes (7 May 2014):

mystiquek agony auntI have been in several long distance relationships for far longer than you so I truly understand what you are feeling. They are extremely difficult to maintain even seeing each other quite frequently. Your relationship sounds very one sided. She doesn't contact you, she cheats on you, she lies to you. Honey..you don't have a relationship. There's no trust only pain and sadness. In 3 years you've had sex 3 times, once a year??? Forget it. You sadly really are wasting yourself and your time on someone who is around when she wants to be, which doesn't sound like thats very often. Find someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Long distance relationships can work but not when only one person is trying. I wish you all the best.

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A male reader, methuselah United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2014):

Hi,

I'm sorry to read about your situation.

I'll tell you straight...you do not have a relationship. This is a waste of time. You are not together with this girl and you seem to be doing all the worrying and mind games.

It is time to get out. Do not look back.

This is wasting a lot of your time.

Best wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She has assured me there is nobody else.She lives with her Mother and her Mother has assured me there is nonody else too. She is saying she wants for us to get a house together and be a family.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (7 May 2014):

What's the point of this relationship? What could you possibly be getting out of it?

Your girlfriend has likely cheated more than you know about and it's even possible she's in a relationship right now considering the lying and lack of communication/visits.

There's nothing you can do here because you really never had anything solid to fall back on. Consider this a learning experience and don't get too far into an LDR without a plan to be closer.

Give her a call and set her (and yourself) free.

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A male reader, RevMick United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2014):

RevMick agony auntHi,

I think you have invested more attention than your partner (I can't use the term girlfriend because you have seen her 3 times in 3 years).

In essence you haven't actually been together these past 3 years (you can't count time apart as the "relationship") or at least I don't believe so.

If you lived closer and the same situations had occurred, would you stay with this person? I think and sorry for being blunt, that you are a fall back guy.

(IF) she has slept around while you have (been together) then she can't really think much of you.

Would you stay in a relationship, just because your children are friends?

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A female reader, cattycakes United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2014):

I think her mother would like her to settle with you but the girl is playing a double life. Blocking you from Facebook is really nasty, especially as it would be an ideal way to be in touch. The story about how her pants came down is unbelievable. Surely you are no fool. She is behaving very badly! Draw the line. She either is, or is not your girlfriend. Having said that there isn't seem to be much evidence that she is in a relationship with you. You are dangling on a string. I can't see any joy coming from you and I don't think she deserves you. Tell her it's off. Sorry for the kids but I don't think she will fight too hard for you. She is too immature. Well she might do something, if you make the call, but if you don't act you won't find out. I doubt she will fight to save things so be prepared.

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