A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Today my ex's mother has facebook messaged me. It is the first time I have heard from her, and I was relatively close to his family, so am not sure whether to respond or how. The message was nice, she was sorry to hear about us breaking up, she hoped my job and family going well, an update on her sister who has been ill and just generally saying she hopes I keep in touch.The trouble is the situation with my ex, I don't know if it's a good idea:Me and my ex split up around 3 and a half months ago. We were together 2 years and I can say now I am very happy with my decision to end it, and felt I handled the process very kindly and maturely towards him. He on the other hand, didn't.I understand it wasn't his choice and I know he had a hard time accepting it, but it was a long time coming and I had worked very hard to talk through our issues when we were still together and nothing changed. After we split, I said I thought it was best if we healed and didn't contact one another for a while, a few weeks at least, as although we are both adults, and I hoped we could reach a point of communicating again, I said it straight to him, I didn't want to give him false hope with the promise of remaining friends and 'being there for eachother'.So a couple of months passed and he got in touch, hoping we were ready to maybe chat. We did, but things escalated quickly, it was clear he wasn't over me, begging and getting angry, then when I told him we clearly weren't ready to 'be friends' he backtracked and apologised and just said it was his initial reaction, he'd cool off. His emotions cooled off, but I started receiving daily messages from him, just general stuff we would have sent to eachother when we were dating, like he was telling me to watch certain shows that were on, good songs he'd heard for me to check out etc. He also asked to meet up at short notice. I didn't respond to any of these messages, hoping he'd get the message that it isn't appropriate to message your ex daily, even if you keep in contact.In the end I had to ring to tell him bluntly I wanted nothing to do with him, that he was expecting too much, and that we couldn't remain friends unfortunately, as it was clear we wouldn't be able to move on otherwise, and there was no hope in us getting back together. He was upset, and sent long angry messages for a few days, which I ignored.It might sound really cold and cruel, but I felt it was the best thing for him to get over me, as if I was kind, he might think the feelings were still there.So, after leaving it like that about a month ago, for his mum to message is a bit of an awkward situation. I have no doubt it was sincere and a kind message. But where do I stand on how appropriate is it to respond? I respect him and her, and I'd hate for her to tell him that I'd been in touch with her and him to get the wrong idea. Any advice?
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (7 May 2014):
 I agree with anonymous 123...it may be an attempt to get you and her son back together or she may be under pressure from her son to find out your business. Does seem a bit odd to be honest. Clearly he was unable to accept the situation and acted In a way which was inappropriate by refusing to honour your wishes regarding further contact. After weeks of that, he goes quiet and his mom contacts you!I would simply be civil, if a little distant and respond to her contacts a few days after you receive them and keep them polite, but short, to the point and avoid getting into chit chat or giving away any information about your current situation. Hopefully that way she will get the message. In terms of how appropriate it is to respond, I would say its more of a question of whether it was appropriate for her to contact you. I accept that you have no gripe with her and that she may of cared about you but seeing how badly the relationship ended you need to question her judgement. Having finally stopped your Ex from bombarding you, assuming his mother knew about that, then it would be inappropriate in my opinion for her to start contacting you.If, when and how you respond is your choice. Personally I would send a polite text saying something like "Mary, thanks for dropping me a line but I really would like to move on from the past and would prefer not to continue with this communication. Take care." and leave it at that. if from that point on she continues to contact you then simply ignore it until she takes the hint. At the end of the day OP she is not part of your life anymore so even if she is hurt, angry or feels you are being unfair, in the nicest possible sense, that's not your problem. She chose to contact you knowing you have had a lot of problems with her son during and after the break up. SO for her to get in touch out of the blue is slightly suspicious and also ill advised considering how long it too you to get this guy to finally stop harassing you.If, as im sure you suspect, that she will be speaking to her son about contacting you and maybe passing on info about you, then that wont do him any good either. he clearly needs to move on, sort himself out and learn to take no for an answer. he wont be able to do that if his mother is in touch with his ex. For that reason alone, I would sever all ties with his family and friends for your piece of mind and his own emotional well being. Mark
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 As long as she isn't trying to "get you" to forgive her son and take him back, I think it's actually quite nice to see a MOM who isn't blaming the GF/BF for the break-up.
I don't see a problem writing her something polite back. It doesn't mean you are now bosom buddies or anything. I would just avoid all questions or info about the EX and too much personal information she might pass on.
It's Facebook, nothing serious.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 May 2014):
 if you want to have a relationship with her and not him that's fine.
IF you are not comfortable with that then you can say "thank you for the update take care of yourself" and move along...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 While its nice of his mom to get in touch with you, you are right when you say that it might lead to your B/f getting the wrong ideas. Just be polite with her and don't extend the conversation. Don't ask her any questions that will lead to further texts, just send a short text saying that you are doing well and are busy with work/studies.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (7 May 2014):
 Hi,
If the messages are of a nice polite nature, there is no problem returning them.
If however you don't want to, then you don't have to. There is no hard and fast rules. You did dump her son, but you didn't dump his entire family I assume.
Some people are genuinely polite, I can't really comment as my ex's family were deceased prior to us getting together. I did meet her sister, who was more polite to me that my ex was lol.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 You're all adults here, so there's nothing wrong in messaging her back and being polite. You broke up with her son, not with her. It's her son who's not over you, not her. You were maybe friends while you and her son were a couple, or at least you got to know each other. Why should you and her son breaking up be reason for her and you to never talk again?
I know it might feel a bit like going behind his back, but this isn't high school, or kinder garden for that matter. As children, we get all caught up in who's on who's side. Whomever sides with one must automatically be against the other. But as adults, that's not how the world works. It is perfectly possible for you to have a good relationship with this woman, as an individual, while at the same time you don't have any relationship with her son.
I would just message her back and be polite. She didn't do you any harm, she isn't the one who begged and cried and got angry and then got pissed off... You know. Why make her suffer for whatever her son did? They're family, sure, but they're not one and the same person, they're individuals.
If her son gets pissed about it then that's his problem, to be honest.
Look, my ex's mother kept in touch with me too for a while after we broke up. My ex had a 5 year old little brother and the four of us (his mom, the 5 year old and us) lived together for over a year. I got close to his mom, and the 5 year old. It seemed perfectly natural for us to keep communicating after the break up. Even if it eventually did end. Because we never met up again, so it drifted off naturally. But I still do think of that 5 year old, who must be around 13 now... Time flies by. He probably doesn't even remember me at all, haha. But I thought it was nice to have him call me back then, and brag about his Pokemons. Who cares what my ex thought about it. It didn't have anything to do with him.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (7 May 2014):
Just respond nicely, say you were sorry that it was difficult, but you are certain that the right decision was made for you.
Say it would not be comfortable to keep in touch quite as before, but thank her for saying hello as it means you can be comfortable seeing each other in passing.
I am actually friends with my ex mother in law, but then our divorce was amicable and I have a son.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (7 May 2014):
 I don't see anything wrong with it. If his mum wants to contact you then she is well within the rights to do so. My ex's mum messages me occasionally, we don't really talk that much, it's pretty much small talk.
If you respect her and got on well with her, then it's nice to know that she thought t contact you to let you know how she is. She may well be concerned about you and if you're handling things.
As long as it doesn't turn into lengthy and daily messages, then i don't see why you should ignore it.
Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): Is it ok for me to ask why you split up ?. And do you know if your ex knows that his mum contacted you ?.
I don't see anything wrong with you keeping in touch with his mum, as long as you and your ex are comfortable with that.
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