A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey there,I need to make decision and might need some other pionts of view about it.Long story short. My ex Gf broke up with me, for some reasons, and she behaved pretty mean and hurtful at the end. So I decided for me to go NC and stuck with it for over 5 month now. Obviously she made an attempt, writing me birthday wishes on fb, but I didn´t red it and deletet my account a couple days ago.The other night after doing so, she called me ( still know her cell number)but I ignored it and a few days later she wrote me a message, saying that she is courious to know where I am now and how I do, that she has to think very often of me and how our last "seeing eachother" went and that she is kinda haunted by it ( probably means her behaviour.....not sure). At the end of her text she asks me if I would like, to write her back or even call her, cause there is something that she would like me to tell....So, firstly I don`t know whats on her mind and what it is, that she want´s to tell me so urgend, now after 5 month of NC. My dilemma is, that I still have feelings for her, no matter how bad she treated me ( she is not an evil person) and I do want to hear, what she´s got to say. On the other side, I am still feeling and remembering all these hurtful things and the pain that she gave me by dumping me, the way she did......It´s the third day after she texted me, and I still cannot decide what to do...I am a bit afraid, if I write her back, she either doesn´t want to talk anymore ( cause she had to wait too long---she is a very proud person) or she kinda got ride of the "guilt" just writing me the message and doesnßt feels the need to tell me what she wanted at first, or I am emotionally not strong enough to be straight and upfront with her and might expecting that she wants to open the door for getting closer again...Any suggestions?? Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (8 May 2014):
Hi, I think she just wants her ego stroked that she can still manipulate her. A similar thing happened to me. I went no contact for 6 months. I received a series of one line texts, emails, a few telephone calls where the line went dead. I ignored them all. One time after 6 months, I answered an email from her. She had emailed, 'How are you? I'm slightly concerned you haven't been in touch recently. Let me know how you are? xxI actually replied with a half page hello, and what I was up to etc. I then heard nothing back for another 3 months.(I had stroked her ego.) At this I deleted everything and never spoke or acknowledged again. From that day I felt I was in control and never looked back. A few attempts were made at contacting me from then on but I had already moved on. I never looked back. And I was proud with myself. I suggest you do the same, I really do. Peace of mind is a great thing to have. Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): If you think you can handle this emotionally, I'm not sure you sound ready yet at all, then I would meet with her in person, assess the situation and then totally move on if she is simply trying to use you in some way. You want her back but she may be just looking for an ego stroke for whatever reason. She was hurtful to you so if you are going to meet her or have contact, you need to be careful not to let this set you back. No contact is a good way to stop new pain but it doesn't erase the pain of a loss or make you forget someone depending on what your relationship was like and how long it lasted. If you speak with her you may have some closure, if you don't, you may always wonder what if. Just tell her what you want to, if that is what you feel you need to do. Who cares what she thinks, life is short and sometimes you just need to express your feelings.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 It really does not matter what her feelings or intentions are... you can't make your choice to contact or not contact her based on what SHE wants.
You have to do what is best to take care of yourself.
I think it's better to just continue to ignore her and move on as best as you can.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 I agree with Wise OwlE. You are not moving on, or at least you aren't tryng your best for moving on.
If you had committed firmly to move on, who cares what she's got to say ?. That she needs to say something, it does not mean you need to hear it.
Maybe she has given a look around and the pickings have been slim, so she 's back to Old Reliable you ( most probable ). Maybe she is having a belated guilt trip and want to pacify her conscience by apologizing for treating you badly. Maybe she 's going to offer some lame " let's stay friends " thing , that's good for her ego because she knows you'd still be within her social and emotional reach, but not for your peace of mind, because you had / have romantc, not just friendly, feelings for her.
Whatever she wants, like you said, can't be that urgent or important since it never came up in the past 5 months.
You sound really too vulnerable yet to get entangled with this girl again, at any level- you'd be much wiser just ignoring her. And I am sure you realize it, only , deep down, you want to contact her, because you hope she says " It was all a terrible mistake, I love you, let's get back together ". I think this is improbable ( although of course , not impossible ). It's more probable she has in mind some " keep cake and eat it too " solution, which will allow her to still have influence over you without giving you what you want from her.
But, in the off chance she'd want you back, then you really have to stop and think with your brain and not with your heart or senses. This is a person that , you say, was mean and unkind and hurtful to you. In 5 months, she can't have changed that much. Now, you don't need to hold grudges- but you need to protect your heart and make sure it's handled right. Which also would imply, not offering it back to the persons who handled it wrong in the past....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): You need to continue ignoring her messages. Continue no contact. DO NOT MEET UP WITH HER, OR CONTACT HER AT ALL!
That would be back-sliding. She is missing you,and trying to make sure you're still in pain. She doesn't want you to find another person before she does. The lack of contact doesn't allow her to keep track of how miserable you feel. You don't want to be "just a friend." Only to ease her conscience.
Missing you happens only for a few weeks. Then she is satisfied in knowing you haven't moved on. She can still manipulate your feelings; and keep you from dating other women.
That is usually the reason the dumper tries to re-establish contact. Making sure you're not moving on too quickly! They have second-thoughts; when the vision of you with another person pops into their mind.
You are better off to move on and not hear what she has to say.
All you really want to hear is that she wants to get back together. Not an offer to be her friend. You know you'll want a lot more than that. She also said hurtful things. Just hearing an apology without saying she wants you back, will be just as painful.
Big question. If she hasn't changed, would it be worth taking her back? It took a lot of will to go through no-contact. Try to avoid a relapse.
Let go, and continue healing. Move on.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 she is pinging to see if you are still interested. she probably broke up as she had someone whom she desired intimacy with (guilt free) and now that it's over she wants to pick up from where she dumped you. id say continue ignoring her and find a better girl to date, baggage free
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