A
male
age
30-35,
*ne-man-band
writes:I know I'm only 15, but I am really starting to worry that I will never lose my virginty. It's not that I don't want to, it's because I don't think that anyone would ever want to have sex with me! People at my school think I'm really wierd and don't take me seriously enough so I don't think anyone thinks that I would actually want to be in a relationship with someone. But I really want to now before there comes a time when I am like the only person who has never had sex in my year group and then it has an effect on my social status. I know only a very small amount of people in my year at school have had sex, but looking ahead at the future, it makes me realise that because I don't have that much of a social life, it is going to affect when I first have sex. I think this has even become apparent to everybody else now. I have even come to the point now whereby I can't stand hearing about people and relationships and what they have got up to. I even got to the point of self-harming when I found out about someone my age in my school having sex because I knew that it would never be me in his position. I think about that moment most days now.So what is going on? Am I just really wierd or depressed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): im almost 30 and still didnt do it. and not worried about it. its not a big deal. i know to you 30 is ancient. but there are so many things that are more important. im not ashamed of it, but i dont discuss this part of my life with others. it is my business. and people can not tell either way. because it's private.
A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (22 December 2007):
Well, I was 23 when I exchanged virginity with a girl. (She took mine and I got hers in return.) And throughout High School and College I had many of the same thoughts as you, and felt much of the same pressure. But even at your age I had a better grasp of what several other responders have told you: you're concentrating on the wrong thing. First of all, you accept the "fact" that "everybody else" is having sex. That is almost certainly not true! Yes, SOME people your age probably are - and if they brag about it they degrade their own integrity as well as their partner's. What is more likely, if they are bragging about it, is that they aren't really doing it at all.Do a little internet research to locate the reliable studies about adolescent sexual behavior and you'll see that fewer people your age are having sex than you think. In the U.S., only about half of 18 year olds have had sex - and a significant number are still virgins at 21 and 22. Even many of the teens who have their first sexual intercourse at 14 or 15 go months or years between sexual experiences.Having sex won't "make you a man", though it might make you a parent while you're still far from being an adult yourself. It won't make you any more attractive to girls, though it might get you a reputation as somebody who uses girls. It won't improve your social life, though it might prevent you from appreciating a wide range of non-sexual qualities that make a person attractive. Sex won't make a girl love you, but it might prevent her from developing a satisfying, long-term attachment to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I never lost my virginity until I was 20. Once you're out of school you will be around different people and I am sure things will change. It is nothing to worry about.
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female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Sex isnt a big deal loads of people dont have sex till later in life the longer you wait the higher the chances are that you will lose it to someone who you care about and who cares about you, dont rush it having sex for the first time should be special and it will happen your only in school why worry half the people who claim to have had sex are usually lying (trust me on this men are good liars)i know you think your weird but i was weird in school and then went to college and found people just like me and nobody really talked about sex because it wasnt a big deal it wasnt important, sex isnt a big deal or a big talkin point because there are better things to talk about. And as for the self harming as a self harmer in recovery (due to rape and all kinds of terrible things) this is not a good route to go down it becomes an addiction i know it sounds stupid but it takes over you enitre life so DONT start!
Find some other people to hang out with your friends all seem sex obsessed why let them bring you down?
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female
reader, Landie  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Be proud to still be a virgin. Having sex before marriage causes alot of problems trust me. Me and my bf have not even slept together and he has threatened not to visit me cos i said no to him. You will find a guy that is crazy about you i know. Till a month ago i did not think any guy at school liked me turned out that there is a guy he just did not have the guts to tell me till now.
Guys are alot different then girls there could be a guy at school that can't get you out of his head. Just give time, you might find your perfect guy soon mayb only in a few years but you will find him.
Sex is not the most important thing in life. There are too many risks and most people who talk bout it and say its ao great regret it more then anything. Do you really wanna have sex now and end up with a baby or STD. Enjoy life now sex will come when you are 100% sure you ready. And when that time comes you will enjoy it cos you will be with a guy you love.
Good luck
Hope this helps alittle.
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female
reader, ladycharm +, writes (19 December 2007):
 i understand what your going through am in the same position except am 16 still a virgin and i self harm but i self harm over something else one of my best friends recently had a baby she is only 16 and i feel so sorry for her but back to your question i think your self harm issues go deeper than you worries over being a virgin and i think you may be a bit depressed but what you have to relize is that there is more to life than sex if your friends tease you because of the fact that your a virgin then they are probley not you friends and any one thinks its cool to have sex at a young age are going to get hurt in the long run you are not alone and its okay to wait there is somebody out there for you good luck
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 You seem hung up on the fact that somehow, virginity and fitting in at your school are key elements, that the fact that you have your virginity is causing you to become a social outcast. I didn't hear once about you wanting to be in a relationship, or liking a particular girl. Even though there aren't very many people in the school that have had sex, you have projected WELL into the future and decided that you are going to be one of the people that isn't ever going to have any. You are now harming yourself because you are driving yourself nuts thinking along these lines. Harming yourself is going to leave you with some nasty scars and when you eventually DO get naked, you will find them embarrassing, so that will not help you get laid. Please stop cutting yourself.
This is what I told my kids at your age, try not to have sex in high school. Relationships are hard and they come and go at first. In high school, it's hard enough running into the person who dumped you last week that you kissed and made out with, without her having slept with you, seen you naked and all your bits and worrying about that too. Relationships get extremely complicated after that, and you can get into a lot of heartbreak. Wait until Uni when you have relationships sorted out a bit more. Go out and hang around with friends and develop more relationships, more interests, stretch yourself. You are no more weird than anyone else in your school feels, as you can tell by reading these letters from all of us who have survived high school angst.
I have to say, Girls at that age like guys who are non-threatening, with cute, puppy dog looks and "child-like" faces. Most guys who are on their way to looking "manly" with strong features get a lot more dates when they are a bit older. I bet you turn out to be quite handsome as a man. AND some of the most interesting guys I know were considered weird in high school. My brother rarely dated in high school, but since then he has had many women flirting with him all his life, because after the age of 21, he turned into a very handsome man, AND his confidence caught up to him. He had spent high school getting really involved with all kinds of interests and studied hard, so he had also become an interesting person to talk with, so what was considered weird did benefit him in the long run. He had a great time at Uni. By the way, what do you call the equivalent of high school in Britain, is it Lower School?
Anyway, After this long rambling answer, I personally don't know any 52 year old virgins. Everyone loses it when they are young at SOME point and your virginity doesn't have an expiration date, so stop worrying! I can assure you that this will happen in it's own good time, so stop concentrating and bringing yourself down with all this negative self-talk. Throw yourself into your interests and studies, and keep putting yourself out there and expanding your social group. Take good care of yourself with the decisions that you make for yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Hey, what's all this talk about? You have a life ahead of you, and yet, you want a relationship. Right?! I know that I am younger than you but I have one thing to tell you. First of all, from my experience, my ex-boyfriend wanted sex and he asked me so many times. We had our little relationship for a while, but when I called him this year, he told me he had a girlfriend!!! I know that this may depress you, but that's just the way it is. I still love him even though I haven't seen him for a year. I am fourteen, and I know that I am too young. So, I recommend that you wait for a while, until you feel passion and love for a person and you also feel that she loves you. Step by step, your time will come. I HOPE THIS HELPS!!!
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male
reader, One-man-band +, writes (19 December 2007):
One-man-band is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat has really helped, Thank you all soooo much!
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (19 December 2007):
 All I can say is; You're 15. You said it yourself. I thought the same thing when I was 15, and I realize just how irrational I was back then (Not that I'm not irrational today, because in some ways I'm just as irrational as I was, just over different things). When I was your age, I used to say things like "I'm never going to get a girlfriend, I'm going to die alone, ect" WHAT RUBBISH! :D And I say that as a guy who is 19 and single at the moment.
You've maybe got a couple, or a few years until you lose your virginity, but it's something that will happen one day. It's inevitable really. It's just something that happens at some point. Again, I must use myself as an example; Like I said before, I used to say I'd never get a girlfriend, and while I was one of the last of my friends to have a girlfriend at some point, I was the first out of all my group of friends to lose their virginity! Like you, I don't think many people at that school took me seriously, with my big bushy hair and my stupid jokes, but in the end, things worked out pretty great, and that's my point! You have NO IDEA what comes next in life, and things like that happen when you least expect them to.
Now, enough about all that, because I have to address you with this: Why would being a virgin deplete your social status in any way? Do you really think your friends would turn around one day and say "Oh look! It's the virgin! Lets ignore her"? I should hope not, because if they do, they are not good friends.
I can relate to your frustration about hearing/seeing people in a relationship. I guess it just irritates some more than others. If I see a couple kissing in public, and feel the need to hit something. It's terrible, I know. I'm happy for all couples out there, but that's the thing about envy; It's difficult to accept some people are getting what you want so much: Somebody to love.
As for the self harming; Don't. Just don't do that. It isn't going to help anything is it? And how can things really be as bad as that? You're 15, and you haven't got a girlfriend. So what? There are plenty of people who have it worse than you, and they don't resort to that, so I suggest you show some strength NOW.
So, on that note. Have a look on the bright side of your life, cos I'm sure there's a lot of good things there. You've been around for only 15 years. You've got a lot to learn about life, and it's something that you will find out in the years to come. Don't let things like this make you feel like your life is over, whenever it's barely begun.
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male
reader, Sandman +, writes (19 December 2007):
 You know, sometimes being different makes you popular. I remember in my high school a guy who would only date girls that were 'fat'. He wasn't a big guy himself, but loved girls/women that were big. Our classmates would make jokes and laugh but he stood his ground and dated only the big girls. This in and of itself made him popular. People knew him because of his preference for women and once people got to know him, the found out he was actually a pretty cool guy.
I lost my virginity at a young age. But when I thought about it, I really regretted having done it. So I told everybody that I was still a virgin. My classmates made fun of me too, joking about it and stuff. But I maintained my 'virginity' status for another 5 years. And you know what? It didn't affect my social standing one bit - in fact it might have enhanced it a bit as there were women constantly trying to take my virginity.
Did you see the main point to both of these stories? Confidence. You need to be confident in yourself and confident in the things you believe. Women who see a man confident in themselves begin to see a man they might consider being with. Then you get a nice girlfriend that loves you for you. Only after you find true love should you be worried about sex. Think about this before you have sex: Do you see yourself connected to this person? For the rest of your life? Do you think this person would be a good mother to your children? Do you think she makes a good mother at all?
If you answered no to any of those questions then you should probably not have sex with her because there is always the possibility of pregnancy when having sex. And if you're only wanting to have sex with her without knowing anything about her, you're putting yourself in a position to have to deal with a potential nut-case.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Peer pressure is a weird thing. And the more you obsess about a small problem, the bigger it gets. I know it's hard but you have to relax about the whole thing.
You should concentrate more on finding yourself a nice girlfriend. I was hasty at 15 to lose my virginity and I regret it, I wish I'd waited to make it special, not just lose it because everyone else was doing it.
When you're at school, these things seem to matter so much. When you get older, no one really cares. Just chill, girls are more attracted to confidence than anxious messes!
And as for you thinking you're weird, there's not one set 'uniform' for how people have to be, and different people are attracted to different qualities in people. I'm sure as soon as you stop stressing, you will notice that girl in the corner who has been giving you subtle looks.
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