A
male
age
41-50,
*lBubba
writes:Wife and I are in a nearly sexless relationship. We have two sets of twins that drive her near insanity, both work full time, and, obviously I want sex way more than she does. I masturbate a lot, but it's not the same as the real thing. She has given me permission to get a girlfriend, but I really don't want to. I really am getting tired of feeling guilty about wanting sex when she doesn't. Our relationship is great otherwise. What the hell do I do? I'm going insane! Relationships are supposed to be give and take, but when it's all give, how is a person supposed to cope?
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male
reader, LJHOVA +, writes (28 June 2017):
Let's cover a few things that have come up in several comments.1. Do more around the house to give her the time, calm, whatever she needs to get interested in sex.This is terrible advice. Interest in sex is NOT tied to how many chores you perform. I guarantee you that no amount of additional work you take on will change her sex drive. That's not to say you shouldn't do your share of the housework, we all should. Just don't think that such transactional sex will work. It won't.2. Her suggestion that you get a girlfriend does NOT reflect her fatigue, stress levels, etc. It is a direct statement that she:A. Isn't interested in sex, at least not with you.B. Wants the benefits of marriage (e.g income, housing, someone to watch TV with, etc.) but has no interest in any of the responsibilities as they relate to you health and happiness.My point is that she isn't interested in sex and no amount of work on your part will change that. I suggest you consider divorce.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 April 2012):
 You should try masturbating together, like side by side. Then you can still be involved in each other's sex lives but it's faster and less stress on your back. Lots of couples do this, especially after having kids.
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male
reader, ElBubba +, writes (17 April 2012):
ElBubba is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, it does bother my back. And the pain meds don't prevent me from getting it up, but prevents me from getting off. And, when we do rarely have sex it's normally her on top or on our sides. Again, this is why I asked "how do I cope with having a sexless marriage".
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 I take it that having sex often would not bother your back , and playing with the twins would ... Curious. Having lots of sex is strenuous physical activity too..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): If you are able to go out and find another women to have sex with and you work full time and you are capable of having sex, but your wife is too tired to because she is not only working FT, taking care of the children, household AND you....I am not having all that much sympathy for you anymore....you need to get up, get moving, go for physical therapy, get to a a gym, maybe lose weight with all your back surgeries....don't make excuses as to why you don't do very much....you are the problem, not your wife.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 You both work full time...
So what does she do when she comes home from work? Compare this to what you do....... what are the differences?
I want you to make a list of all the things your wife does on a daily basis before and after work. Not just the things you think she does, but actually find out, all those little jobs she does that you dont see, dont appreciate and just accept 'normal'.
Then I want you to take on some of those duties.
Do you clean the house, wash the clothes? Change the bed sheets (all of them), make the beds (all of them), clean the bathroom and the kitchen, washing up, emptying the bin, making packed lunches, making breakfast/lunch/dinner (for all of you) Get up in the night if one of the kids is ill? When was the last time you did a full grocery shop? Did you take the kids then? Try it, see how fun that is.
A friend of mine has 4 kids, she had 2 girls, then accidentally got pregnant with the twins. She is run off her feet. She looks tired, old, depressed and exceptionally stressed out. Her husband, doesnt really help much. She does everything, and then he goes to work, goes out with his mates, goes on business trips.... all while she is trying to hold everything together. She no longer goes out, (no time, no energy), we rarely see her. She now has no life other than running about and cleaning up after the 4 kids and hubby. She is a shadow of her former self, a bright bubbly and happy woman.
I suspect your wife is feeling the same way. By the time she goes to bed, she is totally exhausted and only wants to sleep, but all she gets is a pestering husband who wants to have sex. Would YOU feel pleased about that?
Stop thinking of yourself. YOU helped to create these children. Time to start helping take care of them.
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male
reader, ElBubba +, writes (17 April 2012):
ElBubba is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne other thing...I've had 3 back surgeries and can't do much more than recline without having to take pain meds and be foggy all day. I know, I'm such a lay about for it...and, with our bed times, I'm always up at the time she is, and up much, much later than she is (at a minimum of three hours later than she is). Should have added more so people don't jump to conclusions so much. That, and befofe I did have the three back surgeries, whenever I did help she got frustrated and made me stop because I wasn't doing whatever it was the way she wanted. I know...I'm such a lazy ass...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): How does a person cope? You just do and you find the strength and you stick with it because life is just not always going to go as you planned or what you think it's supposed to be.
The fact that any wife is saying to find sex outside of marriage is just wrong...do you actually believe they mean it? I mean, REALLY mean it? you go that route and you can kiss your marriage goodbye...having intimacy is a very important part of keeping a marriage going and lasting, but sitting back and saying what you are not getting is not part of the solution it's part of the problem.
If it's important to you, do what you can to lighten the load, don't "help" your wife, do it because they are your children too...make sure established bedtimes are set, do what you can to keep your home organized...hire help if you can...cleaning the house, childcare, whatever...
I guess the fact that you masterbate a lot tells me you have way too much time on your hands and you are not pulling your weight around the home.
You will likely see a huge change in your wife's desire if you can just remember the little things, doing things without even being asked or told, start small, but send your wife a sexy message....tell her she was doing something and the way the light caught her face...she was so beautiful and you just wanted her to know....make arrangements and just the two of you go out to dinner and just talk, don't involve sex...do these kind of things that are not being done to get sex but because you love her and cherish her...oh....I will bet the sex will come :-)
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 April 2012):
This, to me, seems like a problem created by lack of balance. She is so tired of dealing with the kids, her career, etc. that she simply doesn't know what to do. You, on the other hand have too much energy left, which manifests in your high sex drive. Basically, what you have in common now is that you both feel unsatisfied.
To remedy this --like others have said-- take on more of her workload and I'm pretty sure your sex drive will be brought down a notch and hers may go up. Or like Cindy suggested, send her away on a vacation with friends and take on her duties. She will return rested and refreshed and you will experience what it is like for her to have to deal with all this on a day-to-day basis. And once her own sex drive goes up again, she will understand your side of the story as well.
It's a matter of synergy. You guys need to arrange your lives in such a way that no-one gets smothered or neglected. Of course, this is easier said than done. But it's better than the alternative: you getting it on with someone else and her getting a burn out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): The fact that she has given you permission to get a girlfriend is not good. She must be feeling under a tremendous amount of pressure to even suggest such a thing. Well done for not seeing this as an option because it could have devastating consequences further down the line when things finally settle at home.
Tiredness and stress can affect sex drive, ask any man or woman that has too much to cope with. Can you employ help so that your wife can have a break from things? You dont mention how old your twins are, so if they are very young, try to be patient with your wife for a while longer. I know men generally need sex to feel loved and it is the reverse for women normally. But I am sure your wife still loves you even though she feels she is drowning in children right now. All you can do is try and help as much as possible at home. Discipline and routine need to be the order of the day with two sets of twins and an exhausted wife!
She needs help right now, not another `needy` person to cope with. So help at home, take charge of things a little and romance her when you get the chance. She needs to know she is still valuable to you not only for sex but love and support too. You are in this together but it sounds a if she feels she is coping alone with your children. Go back to basics and start thinking about her and what she wants. If you can take some of the weight off her, things should improve.
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 I understand the frustration on your part. However, when you said you believe that relationships are supposed to be give and take...maybe both of you lack in the "give department"?
Most of the time, if you fail to give to a person, you get the same in return in another way. Maybe the reason that she has less interest for sex is that she has become too busy and too overwhelmed with becoming 3 persons...a career woman, a mother and a wife. A career woman, she can't just quit her job especially if she feels empowered by this. As a mother, she can't deprive her kids of their needs, that's her instinct, to make sure the kids are well fed and well-taken care of. As a wife...well, she could still take care of your clothes or stuff. But then because all her daily activities has drained her during the day, by night time, she just don't want to have anything other than her space and her sleep.
Maybe just try to talk to her and improve how you can help her with the kids. Or anything that would save her some energy to give to you at night. The fact that she agreed for you to get a girlfriend is in itself a sign of helplessness on her part. "Alright, just let him do what he wants so I could be in peace doing what i need to do."
Best of luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Your two sets of twins are driving her to insanity, but not you apparently. That says that you're not working nearly as much as she is.
if you want her to want sex more, then you have to do more to lighten her workload so she'll have the time and energy to want something.
otherwise, I'm afraid you're just going to have to deal with this situation until your children are older or grown up and she is less stressed out. Marriage IS supposed to be give and take, and commitment too and it could be that you need to just suck it up and deal with this for a few years.
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male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (17 April 2012):
 I would have to agree I think that it should always be equal and sex is very important in a healthy relationship
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female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Get her help with the kids, then she may not be so tired and may be more inclined to have romantic nights?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 April 2012):
Send your wife in vacation somewhere for two weeks and in the meantime, go to work, clean the house and take full charge of both set of twins. I bet this will work like magic in curbing your sex drive.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 April 2012):
"We have two sets of twins that drive her near insanity"
"Relationships are supposed to be give and take"
Yes relationships are supposed to be about give and take. That means you "take" the responsibility for the kids an equal amount and she might have more to "give" to you. You can't expect her to work full time, then come home and take care of 4 kids AND have enough energy for sex.
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