A
male
age
41-50,
*avykadet
writes:Ok, let's start from the beginning.My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost six months. We are very close and we love each other dearly. We also see each other almost everyday.My problem is that she is more "open" then I am. She is the first person I've had sex with and it was she who prompted me to kiss, caress, fondle and ultimately have sex with her. We had sex within the first few times we dated and we had not officially called ourselves a couple yet when we had sex.It may be no big deal to many of you who read and answer this, but to me it is a big deal and it is a big deal to most people in my country/society.The trouble started when I realised that she was so "easy" and it got worse when I found out she has had multiple boyfriends in the past whom she would also have had sex with. Once while having sex there was a look of stark terror on her face and she started crying. She said something reminded her of a bad memory and she kept muttering, "you won't hurt me right?"I was horrified and angry that someone may have hurt the girl I loved. But it also got me thinking, "what could she have been doing in the past?"Yes the past is the past but I cannot find myself to accept her "flings." She is serious in our relationship but I cannot bring myself to look that far ahead at this time. But I don't want to loose her either.Recently I got this thought in my head that if she can't bring herself to tell me the truth and perhaps calm my curiosity and hurt feelings then the only way for me to accept her past is to HAVE a past.As you know I haven't had sex before this, so our relationship is in an imbalance. I keep thinking about her past partners, some which she still keeps in touch with. I got it into my head if I created a past for myself, as in had sex with someone else then we would be "equals" and then I wouldnt worry about her past anymore.But by doing that would mean that I would be cheating on her. At first I didn't want that, but I want our relationship to endure. And with her past hovering in my mind, and her "open-ness" on top of that. This relationship will break. So I have sort of made up my mind to cheat on her (though the reason is not to hurt her feelings, but to save my own)Would appreciate comments/feedback/counseling. But pls don't say the "past is the past" because it is not. The past defines the present and future.Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jrm8586  +, writes (28 December 2010):
Dear writer,
I understand and identify with your curiosity to learn of your girlfriend's past, as I presently find myself in a similar situation with my boyfriend. The past however, does not define the present or future. The past remains the past, once that individual with the past accepts all of it. It is through self acceptance that a person can move on without thoughts and feeling holding him/her hostage. If you love your girlfriend, and it seems like you to, accept her for who she has shown you she is and don't worry about the girl she was before she met you. After all, it"s her experiences that made her into who she is today, the same woman who loves you...good luck!
J
A
male
reader, nagakris  +, writes (22 August 2010):
I'm in the same exact situation you were in, and I also live in South East Asia. Its sad but we have to live with it, I also thought of cheating, but that wouldnt help me. I decided to leave her, it will hurt the both of us, but its the best. I cant stop thinking about her past that it makes me not want to hold or touch her, it bothers me so much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): me and my girl are in the same position. weve been together for 17months now. im sorry my written english is of a poor standard.- she was my first ever and she has had many sexual partners in the past. she has tried to help me but it still not changes the way i feel.-to say 'the past is the past' and makes her who she is is today is not helpful because people in this guys position and my own are confused about their own self-worth because they know they never own their girls mind completely. the pain is many a time unbearable and i oftentimes want to end things but she says she loves me and is scared of lonliness. you also forget that he says he wants the relationship to endure - but we also know we can't live like this but at the same time dont like to hurt anyone who we love.
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