A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 5 years now and my husband and I are both young only in our 20's and have 3 little girls I found his porn 6months into our marriage and we have had problems every since he says he's gonna quit and never does and now just gets mad when I try to talk to him about it or blames me and has ssaid there's nothing wrong with just looking and I am tired of it I've left 2times before and came back but now I'm thinking about leaving and for good is that right or wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): if it's an addiction he's gonna need professional help to overcome it. I wouldn't trust a guy with a porn addiction to simply "man up" and stop it just like that. Probably it will stop for awhile but come back again at some point. such is the nature of addictions. People who are addicted to something have their brains wired differently.
my husband had a porn addiction about 7 or 8 years ago. When I found out he lied and tried to cover it up - kinda pathetic actually since it's pretty obvious. I felt like my world had been turned upside down, that he is not who I had thought he was, I felt hurt, disgusted, enraged, you name it. as far as I was concerned he had cheated on me. So I can totally sympathize with how you feel. Porn is usually degrading to women so I find it highly offensive.
I was ready to leave him but he broke down, begged me to stay and swore he'd give it up. over the years I kept finding evidence that he hadn't given it up, just that he had either decreased the amount (he would point out to me that he had improved as if he deserved a medal), or was getting better at hiding it. Years dragged on this way.
Now I really don't care anymore. I no longer even bother to check his computer or phone or anywhere. As far as I'm concerned he can look at all the porn he wants because I checked out of my marriage emotionally and mentally about 2 years ago already and we stopped having any intimacy cos I find him so disgusting now. I thus have no doubt he is back to his porn addiction for sure since I'm unable to give him any sex cos I find him so disgusting.
I'm now so miserable in my marriage (cos I don't want to be married to someone I find disgusting and have zero respect for) and so is he (cos he's not getting any sex at home) that we are going to divorce.
I urge you to learn from my mistake. If your husband has a porn addiction, it is not going to go away by itself, and not with any amount of begging or nagging or intimidation on your part either. Addictions have a strong hold on a person. A drug addict rarely becomes totally clean for good just on their own without any outside help. It's gonna take professional help for your husband to give it up and to not relapse in the future. Is he willing to do that? Are you willing to stand by and wait and see if he succeeds?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I've read through all of the answers from the other 'aunts' and I must admit... I am completely baffled by the responses to your question.
I believe you are justified in feeling as you do and your position on porn is something I agree with 100%. It is a deal breaker for me as well. I put my foot down and my husband gave it up... but it was not without a struggle or problems.
Many people are advising you that you are the one with the problem and that his habit is normal. They turn the tables on you, making you the problem... your 'mindset' the problem... and more or less suggesting that you should 'get with the program' and take better care of him sexually... WTF?
Clearly, his addiction to porn has interfered with his life and he is a serious addict... IF he is willing to lose everything over it. His need to look at sex and other women is stronger than his bond to his family. It is indeed a sad state of affairs when men have dumbed themselves down so far that this is considered 'normal'. Our society has gone down the tubes... that doesn't mean you have to go down the tubes with them.
Do you know that back in the 1940's sexually explicit nude photos (nothing even like today's stuff) was outlawed and those creating it and purchasing it would be imprisoned?
What does that tell you about the ever changing morality of our country... or for that matter... of the world? One minute it is illegal... then the next it is legal and normal.
At a minimum... society CANNOT dictate morality. Morality is something that is inside of us... something that tells us what is right and wrong. In my view... porn is wrong. Porn is immoral. Porn is sick.
You are a woman with children... you must do whatever is necessary to protect them and yourself... If he is unwilling to get help (he is a sex addict/porn addict) then leave him.
The idea of marriage... is that we have chosen our sexual mate.... Porn is contradictory to this.
I want to encourage you to read up about porn addiction on the internet... You will rapidly learn that it has nothing, whatsoever, to do with him not getting his sex fix in the bedroom.... nor does it have much to do with anything normal or healthy in the sex department. It is really an addiction that the brain develops to the endorphin high/rush created through the porn. The brain literally fries. There is also a great deal of information on violence and its origins in porn. Read up about this as well... I did and what I learned was shocking.
There are such things as guys perving out and wanting to see sex stuff in video and photos... now and then. I'd say that would be perving out... but not into the category of 'sick'. When they become addicted... its like an addiction to drugs... they become sick.
It also doesn't help when there are other people out there encouraging it... making you the problem.
A husband watching porn and becoming a porn addict is VERY different from a boyfriend.... AND, most men will rarely speak out against it ...
But the fact is, that once entering into a sexually/spiritually committed relationship... both the man and the woman are ENTITLED to sexual exclusivity and the sanctity of the marriage. And, that is what you are entitled to as well.
He has chosen not to man up and honor his commitment as a husband and a father... that's on him. That is a journey he must make... Do a fast forward... where do you think this little game of his is going to take him... if he doesn't put the brakes on now?
I've been where you are... and my husband ended this game and dealt with his demons.
Godspeed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Now that you have added more information on your situation, it does sound like his behavior is a serious problem because clearly it is interfering in your relationship.
also it seems that there are deeper underlying issues in your relationship. It's not just this behavior, it's the fact that he is behaving sefishly and not showing you due consideration and respect. the same could be true if he had any other addiction like alcohol or being a workaholic, if he is disrespecting you consistently it doesn't matter what the manifestation is, just that this behavior is very destructive to a marriage and is harming your family.
if he doesn't improve I would leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Hi I put the question on here and to answer some of yalls questions like why I find it such a problem is because when he does it he has an additude with me and my kids and doesn't want any from and he spends any chance he can at work looking and then looks the whole time he's home so pretty much I feel like a single mom because I'm the only that does anything and my kids even know that. They won't even ask him for anything anymore and to add to that our youngest is a newborn and he wounders when he does hold her why she won't quit cring so he hands her to me and she does quit. I have asked him why before he use to say he don't know and wished he didn't know he just says he likes to or blames me saying I won't do surrent things which he knows is a lie because I always want it and we would have time for it but he either don't want it from me or I'm to the point I just don't want him touching me anymore. But I have tried getting him stuff to help him stop and he acted to excited and wanted to but never did so I took the book back so its not a normal male thing he's just addicited to it cuz nothing will make him stop I've left and he swears he won't do again and wants me soso bad but soon aS I'm back about a week he's back at it so I diont know anymore what to do I've never been treated with such disrespect or someone being so rude and selfish. Cuz that's all he thinks about anymore is his self in everyway not just the porn. Hope this helps yall better understand where I'm coming from and why I'm asking for help on what to do. Plus my oldest just knows way to much about our problems because of him and she's only 5. Thabk you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): I read an article recently that a university wanted to do a study comparing young men who watch porn to young men who didn't/never watched porn. They could not find ANY young men who didn't view porn.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Leave your husband because he looks at porn? Seems kinda harsh to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Is his porn-looking at the level of an addiction where his it is interfering with his ability to function in every day life or hold down a job?
If not, it really is normal for guys to look at porn.
If what is a normal and harmless behavior for most men bothers you so much, maybe you should examine why you are so bothered about it. Are you insecure? Did you come from a strict religious upbringing where the men in your religious group claim they never look at porn thus you grew up believing that looking at porn is deviant or evil?
There is nothign wrong if this is how you truly feel about it. You are entitled to your opinions and feelings. But clearly this is something you feel very strongly about and it clashes with what most people consider normal harmless behavior so you need to work through the issue from all angles to see where the clash is coming from.
I think you really need to examine your attitudes to porn and talk with him about it, and then either relax your attitudes or find some other way to reach a compromise.
In the end if you really cannot compromise to both of your satisfactions, then like any other serious marital problem, a divorce may be the best.
Just because an issue is not seen as "major enough" by other people to warrant divorce, doesn't mean the same for you. If it IS a big deal to you, then you are entitled to that opinion.
BUT, again, ask yourself WHY is it such a big deal to you when it would not be to others or when the behavior is generally considered harmless and normal?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): seriously, let it go. he has been taking care of business in that department WAAAAAAY longer than he has been with you. for guys its like scratching an itch. i am female, and i look at porn and masturbate, and i enjoy it. dont knock it till you've tried it :) srsly tho, don't go ruining a relationship over THIS, especially when you have 3 children together. it has nothing to do with you whatsoever, it is his business, his hand, his uh, parts, none of which concern you whatsoever when he is taking care of that business. all it means is that is is a normal, healthy, human male. why not order yourself some sort of toy that you can bring into bed and he can use with you? that might just turn you onto taking matters into your own hands, which you are fully entitled to do and enjoy, just as he is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Agree with the other male reader below...it's not a crime to look at porn and it's not like he's cheating (be thankful he's only looking at porn, not visiting hookers).
Not to sound like an ass, but if you guys have 3 kids to look after all the time, and are in your early 20s, how could you possibly have time to be intimate, together? He looks at porn to masturbate because it's easier. Just chillax.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Get ready to repeat this over and over... most guys look at porn, not all, but most. You need to address this in your relationship before you have a repeat experience.
You need to decide if you're being reasonable - many people would tell you you're not. He's trying to get the heat off him when you confront him (bad long term move on his part, as he should grow a pair, and tell you to not tell him what to do.)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): I think its insane for women to leave a guy for looking at porn. If he isn't an addict who cares? I've never seen a guy post here about how unsexy or unwanted he feels because his wife or gf reads tabloids with all the guy celebs shirtless. You're lying to yourself if you think people only have attraction to one type of person, or one particular person.
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A
female
reader, AlmostHadEnough  +, writes (14 December 2010):
I'm in the same boat. Only my Fiancé has fetish with fat women and porn. I'm hurt and I feel betrayed and unwanted. Heck even unsexy. I say you give him one more chance..
Talk to him politely and try make a compromise.
Tell him how you feel.
for me, I don't know what i'll do.
I guess a man can't change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): You have every right to leave your husband...for any reason you like. There are a lot of women that feel cheated on by their husband's porn use and if men want to choose fake women over real flesh and blood, that is their right also. I believe men need to be honest about it however, rather than lying and hiding, which builds distrust and anger in the relationship.
What you need to ask yourself is this...will I ever be happy with my husband, knowing that he will always use porn? Because that is the truth, stop wasting your time arguing with him about it...that will only make your relationship horrible. Either you can live with the porn or not, because your husband can't live without it...very sad, but true.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (14 December 2010):
 If it that's much of a problem for you, then leave him.
It's disrespectful. I've had a lot of trouble with porn. It drove me crazy, it made me feel unsexy, and guess what? The guy was willing to quit, because he realized what it was that much of a problem.
It's selfish, and if you can't live with it, then just leave.
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A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 onl you can decide if its wrong or not, do you really think this will break your relationship if he continues to do this..
chances are he will never stop looking at it, he's probably been doing it from he hit puberty, it might just be a habit of his. however do you think he is neglecting your relationship because he is looking too much at it, or do you feel that he would prefer to look at porn than have an intimate time with you??
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 December 2010):
Try to figure out what the real issue is, here.
Because if your relationship was all sunshine before you found out about him watching porn, and afterwards it's bad enough to make you want to leave him, then it's not really the porn destroying the relationship, but your mindset. Sure it is wrong of him to make promises he has no intention of keeping, but I think he doesn't see what's so bad about it.
Now, if this porn issue is just the icing on the cake and your relationship already started to crumble before this, I would end it.
But try to figure out what exactly your problem with porn is before you end things. If it really is a gap you can't bridge, you can always call it quits then.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 December 2010):
Just a hunch - but I highly doubt a judge would grant you a favorable divorce, if at all, predicated on the basis that your husband watches adult movies....
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 December 2010):
 That's up to you to decide. If you don't want it in your life then that's your decision. I wish you luck finding a guy who doesn't watch porn though. There aren't many out there, some are just better at hiding it than others.
Have you ever tried to understand his porn use? Have you ever talked about it? I mean talked, not fought or issued ultimatums.
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I beleive that you are only in the right if his porn habits have affected your relationship or sex life. If it has then you are right but if it hasn't then you two need to find a way to compromise on it. Say for instance that you would be ok about it if he was open about it.
If it is a bad addiction then some counseling would be best becasue you leaving and coming back isn't good for your girls. They need to see you two work things out even if they don't know what it's about.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 December 2010):
 You haven't said if your issue is with the principle of it or if he's neglecting you because of porn.
With three small children to take care of, young mothers often find themselves too tired and too stressed to have much interest in intimacy, and understandably so. That doesn't mean that your husband no longer has needs. If he is using porn to help take care of his urges instead of adding to your stress by pestering you when you're not in the mood, is that all bad?
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