A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is my question. To make a long story short, My boyfriend got a text from a woman that he is supposedly "friends" with, asking if she left a pair of black pants at his house. I calmly asked him how long he had something going on with her. He insisted that he had not has anything going on with her since he has been with me. When I asked him about the text, he claimed to not know what she was talking about and swore she has not been anywhere near his house in months. I asked him why someone would ask about leaving clothing at his house months after the last time they had been there. He said he had no idea. He swore that they are just friends and that he loves me more than anything. I told him I loved him and that he knew that something like that would hurt me badly. He said he knew this and swore to me that nothing has ever happened with them. On the other hand he tends to erase his text messages (I'm guessing in case I might see them)and doesn't seem to want me to see what he is texting to other people. He also seems to have a lot of female "friends". I'm no dummy and I'm sure I already know the answer, but do you think he's cheating? This is tearing me apart. I want so badly to believe him when he says there is nothing there but something just doesn't jive quite right with the whole thing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): Just try to be more objective. As dont want to show u any texts that he got or sent. I think there is something going on with ur bf and her. Also if i had such conversation with my gf i would never erase any text from my cell to make her doubtless. So yeah.. i agree with you. Sorry. P.S. dont forget that everyone has their own world. Your world rotate around u and ur on the center. So dont let anyone to settle on the center of it. There is nothing more than you ;) take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): sorry ask him to have text messaging turned off or disabled by his cell carrier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): My tendency would to be go with your gut.....I think a guy in love would stop having so many female friends if it might cause him to lose you....tell him how you feel about the female friends thing and that you need to build some trust here.......ask him to diable text messaging on his phone, that you don't see the need for him to be able to text anyone.....what is he the president? Text messaging in my opinion should only be used to say things like meet me downstairs in 5 minutes, I am in a meeting....if you have the time to text for any other reason, then you have the time to make a voice call and actually speak to the person.....and if he starts getting a lot of calls from women but won't take then in your presence then that is not a great sign.....he may just be a player.....how long have you been his one and only? Cheating seems to be the name of the game for a LOT of people these days, sorry to say, but it is better you know now then 10 months from now, seriously...trust your gut.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 The best way to find out about this is to try to get hold of his phone and text her back (on his phone) asking her where they might be or something similar (pretending to be him). Let her know she needs to answer asap for obvious reasons then see what happens. Go into the bathroom and lock the door and wait for the reply. Sneaky? Yes! But at least you'll get your answer for sure. Take a note of her phone number too just in case you need to confront her.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Hi there,
I also think a woman's instinct is seldom wrong. However, don't do the awful business of ransacking his phone and blls etc instead work on the side of showing what a great catch and girlfriend you are. If you concentrate on suspicion it just becomes all consuming and will lead to you looking desperate and needy. Put it beind you if you can and don't refer to it again. One of the other great posts commented on the fact that he might be deleting is texts because it fills the box quickly that is true I have o do it all the time or there is no mmory left for new messages. I would let this one go but if anything else makes you think there is something going on then let the warning bell click in. The blackl pants thing is probably a joke by one of his pals as most women wouldn't leave that type of message.
Take care don't worry and good luck,
Sarcy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): The old 'lots of female friends' routine. Yeah well.... trust your gut instinct but try and avoid too much confrontation just yet as the pearl of evidence you need may be next to appear. You can buy things which download deleted texts from a mobile - can buy them online.
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (26 February 2008):
Some men do have a lot of female friends, and if this is something that makes you uncomfortable, then you and he may have to talk about it. Imagine if you were dating a movie star! As for the black pants, if he's covering up about it, then you have to decide whether to make it a big ISSUE, or simply just let it be part of the past and concentrate on the present. You have to trust your man, and if you feel uneasy, i do believe in a woman's intuition. Maybe he IS not 100% committed to you. But, don't waste your energy ferreting out this, trust me. Concentrate on being the best self you can ever be! If he can't love you in a fantastic way that makes your heartglad to know him, then think about moving on yourself!Best of luck,Manya
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (26 February 2008):
Suspicion and jealousy are evil twins that can destroy a relationship. I have an ex who I found out was texting her old boyfriend to say similar things and yet the messages were referring to times when I know she was not cheating on me. When I asked her about it she said that she wanted to really piss off his new girl as she did not want him to be happy.
As you can expect I thought this was a bit weird and it just contributed to the eventual breakdown in our relationship.
Just because he says he does not know about it doesn't mean he is hiding. He might really not know anything and it could all be some sort of sick windup either by his ex or by some of his mates who would think it funny.
I would also hesitate to advise getting all Dick Tracy and investigating him because if you let these feelings feed all that will happen is that the more you do not find the more convinced you will be that he is bad.
As for why he deletes text messages, again I do this regularly just to clear space in my phones memory. I got sick of having my phone tell me it could not read a message cos it had run out of memory.
You need to decide if you love him and if so you need to give him some trust and the benefit of the doubt until he proves it is not right. Any other choices and you will make you both unhappy and often for no reason.
Now if he is cheating I am not condoning it, but be aware that if he is not, your choice of actions could make the difference between mending things and destroying them. Wouldn't it be a terrible waste to have a perfectly good relationship ruined as the result of unfounded suspicion.
Just play it cool, observe, listen, and more importantly be aware of what he does for you, just for the sake of his feelings for you. A quality guy in love cannot hide the fact and you will soon know if he is really in love with you.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Nobody on this site can tell you if he is cheating or if you are overly suspicious. A foundation for a relationship is trust. You must trust him. If you do not, you will most likely push him into having an affair.
I don't like people being overly secretive and if he were my guy, I would not appreciate hiding text messages. Maybe he just enjoys all the attention which I wouldn't appreciate either. You'll have to sort it out with him.
I'm sorry we can't answer that for you one way or another.
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A
female
reader, velvetluv21 +, writes (26 February 2008):
A woman's intuition is seldom wrong. If you think something in wrong, it most likely is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): It seems like your relationship has trust issues. If he says he didnt do anything with her and you supposedly love him, then you have to trust him 100% even when its hard. You cant control anything he does or feels or says. All you have control over is what you DO and feel and say.
Lets face it, if hes lying to you, then who is that hurting? Him. How can you be hurt when you are being honest with him and yourself. You have to have enough self love to understand that his personal faults and mistakes cannot affect you. If you are hurt by what he does, then you are in a state of need: you rely on his actions for your happiness. That is a dangerous place to reside in a relationship.
My opinion is that love is something you have for yourself, and when you have enough self love, some people are lucky enough to allow it to spill out to someone else.
Dont you think lying and cheating are damaging to a person? It is not you that should be affected by his lying. If he is lying, SUCKS TO BE HIM! His loss. His character flaw. All you are responsible for is your own actions.
Keep your chin up high and be true to yourself. Dont rely on someoneone elses actions to determine your happiness or sadness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): hmm it is very odd and it does seem like he is cheating it's just a little weird he isnt being very smart about it if i were you i would try to catch him in the act because it does sound like he is but unless you have solid proof he is just going to keep saying the same thing"i dont know""i would never cheat on you"good luck this must be a horrible situation for you.best wishes
-michael
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A
female
reader, AvonLady  +, writes (26 February 2008):
Personally I would be inclined to believe him and think that the text message about the black pants is some kind of a joke from one of his mates.
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