A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just need to make sure I'm thinking clearly. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who treats me like a princess. He loves me and I love him. Our sex life is good. He's financially stable, (6 figure job, house in the right neighborhood, car, he has no debt and willing to payoff mine, no material wants), he's smart (has a geek job), has a business, and hip (plays in a rock band). We never really argue and he acepts me for all my flaws and insecurities. We have an exciting life and do interesting things that a lot of people prob don't. The only thing is that he's considered not very attractive. I think he knows this b/c he jokes about it a lot. Some people would consider him ugly and awkward. To make things more complicated, I'm considered very attractive. I say that not in a vain way but in a 'i realize this is a fact of my life and I have to deal with it' way (the good--lots of attention and being treated nicely--and bad-- people expect me to behave a certain way or have a certain life b/c of how I look). I also have a very high IQ but I'm really down to earth so ppl sort of see me as a freak of nature. I know people are shocked when they meet him or see us together b/c they don't really hide it and I've even had a family member make a comment. I've seen guests at our house scrutinizing our pictures trying to figure "it" out. Its rude, I know, but it's made me really selfconcious. I've briefly thought about ending it, but I know that's stupid. I think it's always bothered me but only when we're out or around others. I've dated absolutely gorgeous and rich men in my short lifetime, so I've had my taste of the beautiful man thing. Still, it's nagging me. I admit that I did enjoy the looks I would get when I was with more attractive men. Am I being stupid or am I justified to be concerned about what others think?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 hi
this is a case of someone with a high IQ not having much sense! (no offence intended! :) look if you are happy with him, he is a great bloke and you get on well, he is faithful, he is not mean to you, doesn't beat you up, is kind enough to look after you financially and generally treats you very well, count these things as blessings. you are very lucky. ok he may not be the most handsome man, BUT do you have chemistry?? you must do if you have a good sex life with him.
its all very well for people who don't know him as well as you do to judge him on his looks, but you're the one who loves him so you SHOULDN'T be thinking the same way as them!
it is a sad fact of life that there is shallowness in the world :( to put it another way, if outside appearances did not matter to anyone, you might find that HE is the one who is out of YOUR league! be happy - he sounds gorgeous!
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): "He's financially stable, (6 figure job, house in the right neighbourhood, car, he has no debt and willing to payoff mine, no material wants), he's smart (has a geek job), has a business"
Be careful, some people might think you're a gold digger...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Sorry, but you don't sound very down to earth to me.
"but in a 'i realize this is a fact of my life and I have to deal with it' way (the good--lots of attention and being treated nicely--and bad-- people expect me to behave a certain way or have a certain life b/c of how I look). I also have a very high IQ but I'm really down to earth so ppl sort of see me as a freak of nature"
You may be attractive but i'm sure there are plenty of girls that are prettier. Calling your boyfriend "ugly" is just plain cruel.
If you love him that much, other peoples opinions shouldn't matter.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Do him a favor and don't get married! The entire marriage you'll be acting like you're doing him a favor and NO MAN wants that. Let him find someone who is in "his league" and will appreciate him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This whole thing is complete BS. You either love him, are attracted to him -- or you're not. Forget the rest.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 You can always quote " Cindy's mother's theory" : A woman should never marry a man as attractive as herself or more.
My mom was, and still is even in her old age,an absolutely stunning woman- my dad was, well, not that attractive to put it mildly ( in case you wonder how did I come out : a reasonable in-between, but luckily took more from my mom's side :).
That generated at times comments or surprise, to which mom replied with her theory : who would want a husband better looking than herself ? A woman must always be and feel like a queen - when she goes to a party or a social event, all the stares must be on her,not her partner. All the attention, all the admiration : you don't want your husband to steal your thunder. It's the man's job to worry about other men lusting after his woman, and not viceversa- the woman must just relax and...shine.
(Yeah,I am afraid mom is a bit of a princess- Queen Mother by now ).
That offers anyway a nice,quirky rationalization, good conversation subject for friendly dinner banter.
If you want a more modern, sensible approach to the problem...
come on woman, you are 30 to 35 ! Where 's your self confidence, why are you still so insecure ? You are not in high school anymore, what do you care about the opinion of every random Tom, Dick and Harry ? You do your thing and let other people do theirs and everybody is happy. If you like a guy, you like him, end of the story, you don't have to explain, justify or apologize to anybody !
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Not trying to be rude and maybe you've just undersold yourself here, but if anything he sounds out of your league, not the other way around...
He's accomplished all this whilst being generally deemed ugly by society... Speaks volumes as to how much character he must have and how much effort he put in to get where he is.
If you love him, then to hell with everybody else.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 I think it's stupid to worry about what others think. If they want to believe that happiness can be found in superficial beauty.. then good luck to them! They'll probably have crappy relationships and marriages! So, good luck as I said. Out of his league? He sounds like he's quite high league if you ask me, way above most guys out there. In the top 5% of greatest guys in the world if you ask me. So no, if you can bring good looks in then take it as a bonus to him. As long as YOU are happy, then who cares about what others think or don't think. You're the ones laughing in the end. Looks you were born with are not something I'd even consider a quality in a person... it's just pure chance. If you wanted to marry someone from pure chance they you might as well decide you want to marry the first guy you meet on a blind date! Works the same! And who does that? That would be stupid, right?
Keep your guy and be happy, he sounds wonderful and so do you, and I think you'll continue to be great together. Tell those other people to shut up if they start talking about "leagues" again.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 January 2011):
 "Am I being stupid or am I justified to be concerned about what others think?"
The former. It's shallow, but more importantly, this attitude could do substantial damage to your happiness and his.
Don't throw it away, you'll break his heart and won't find better.
First off, attractiveness works a bit differently for men and women. Looks, while still a factor, are far les simportant in guys compared with success and attitude. This guy appears to have both in abundance.
Second, looks fade, anyway. Five years from now, the two of you will be noticeably different. Ten years, fifteen... no contest (all figures are approximate).
"I admit that I did enjoy the looks I would get when I was with more attractive men."
Are you dating him because you like him, or because he's a status symbol? You're there to make each other happy, not provoke envy. Reverse the thought process. Imagine it was him saying, "I did enjoy the looks I would get when I was with a 20-year-old."
Again, a few years from now, others' glances are going to matter a lot less than one particular person's.
Also, have you considered that many friends, even family members, may simply be trying to sabotage a better relationship than they are able to get?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 January 2011):
 All that matters is your happiness. Fuck what people may think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Who cares what other people think. Are THEY living YOUR life? Do what makes YOU happy. Looks aren't everything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): i think that the whole "league" thing is a load of bull shit! if you like him and you two have things in common then you should stay with him. who cares what people think of him and what you two look like together. if you stop caring what people think and you are happy with him, then there shouldnt be any problems between you two.
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A
male
reader, PortOr +, writes (22 January 2011):
 You would be clearly crazy if you end up walking out from this man .... Looks usually dont count. Life is not what others think ... its about how you think of your self and how you enjoy it. When its pain you suffer it alone ... so dont let other people's thought get into your way. They first yell at you, Then they laugh at you and then they keep quite and then finally praise you .... They are just like sheep herd ... they will follow where the first sheep goes .... :) Good luck and happy going in your life ...
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